Imagined Dialogue For: ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’

Previously on “Imagined Dialogue For”…

Peter Parker takes a selfie in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Sony

EXT. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. NIGHT.

SPIDER-MAN: Your days are numbered, Vulture!

VULTURE: You want me, Spider-Man?! Come and get me!

SPIDER-MAN: I’m not afraid of you!

VULTURE: Then what are you waiting for?

SPIDER-MAN: I just have one question for you, Vulture.

VULTURE: Oh yeah? What is it.

SPIDER-MAN: What, in your opinion, is 19th Century English novelist and poet George Eliot’s greatest work?

VULTURE: Ha! That’s the easiest question in the world. It’s Middlemarch by a longshot.

SPIDER-MAN: I knew you’d say that! Haha I KNEW it. So typical.

VULTURE: Ok, hotshot, then what is it?

SPIDER-MAN: Middlemarch is such a cliche answer.

VULTURE: Yeah, you said as much dude. Then what’s George Eliot’s best work, in your perfect opinion.

SPIDER-MAN: Daniel Deronda, it’s not even close.

VULTURE: You’re really gonna stand there and tell me that Daniel Deronda is better than Middlemarch, which is widely considered one of the greatest novels of all time.

SPIDER-MAN: You bet your ass I am.

VULTURE: Screw you, kid. It’s on.

[SPIDER-MAN AND VULTURE ARGUE ABOUT GEORGE ELIOT FOR 30 MINUTES]

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EXT. STATUE OF LIBERTY. NIGHT.

SPIDER-MAN: Your reign of terror is over, Vulture!

VULTURE: You think you’re tough?! Come and get me!

SPIDER-MAN: You’re a loser, Vulture. I’m not scared of you. You probably think oregano is a better herb than thyme.

VULTURE: LOL, and you don’t?!

SPIDER-MAN: Wait, seriously?

VULTURE: Oregano is infinitely better and much more versatile than thyme. Like, I know you’re just a high-schooler and all, but come on dude.

SPIDER-MAN: Have you ever even used thyme and oregano in your cooking? Serious question.

VULTURE: Ok genius, name, like, five dishes that are improved in any way, shape, or form with thyme. Hell, name three.

SPIDER-MAN: I’ll name fifty.

[SPIDER-MAN SPENDS 30 MINUTES NAMING FIFTY DISHES IMPROVED WITH THYME.]

VULTURE: Like half of those sounded disgusting as shit. Let me tell you something about oregano…

[VULTURE SPENDS 20 MINUTES TALKING ABOUT OREGANO.]

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EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN. NIGHT.

VULTURE: I got you right where I want you, Spider-Man, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Now tell me WERE THE ALIENS IN 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY INTENDED TO BE A MALEVOLENT FORCE???!!!

SPIDER-MAN: Are you serious with this shit, dude?

VULTURE: I don’t know, am I?

SPIDER-MAN: The Monoliths are clearly intended to help the human species. Not malevolent, even a little bit.

VULTURE: You’re such a dumbass.

SPIDER-MAN: Tell me then, since you’re such a smart dude. Tell me how the aliens are supposed to be bad guys.

VULTURE: Ok, well first of all…

[40 MINUTES OF ARGUING ABOUT 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY]

VULTURE: –no, you tell me then, why would a benevolent species just leave a monolith on the moon if–

SPIDER-MAN: No, you didn’t answer–

VULTURE: Seriously, I’d love to–

SPIDER-MAN: It’s a really simple question, man.

[20 MORE MINUTES OF ARGUING ABOUT 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY]

[CREDITS]

[POST-CREDITS SCENE OF SPIDER-MAN AND VULTURE ARGUING ABOUT THE BEST WAY TO PEEL GINGER: WITH A SPOON OR PEELER]