Unfortunately, there wasn’t a crossover episode last night with a one-on-one date in North Korea, but the men of The Bachelorette were interrupted by Donald Trump’s meeting Kim Jong Un for a handshake that had more chemistry than many of Becca’s make out sessions.
Becca’s remaining contenders gave her friends spa treatments, which acted as a makeshift Bachelor in Paradise audition. So far, it looks like Tia and Colton definitely have potential romantic arc…again. Then, Becca donned her best Grease ensemble for an evening with Chris R., who looks like a character actor on an old WB show and seemed quite enthralled with her ability to pen cheese-laden lyrics. The evening ended with an injured football player going home and a chicken-suit wearing contestant rolling out of bed and bumping his head.
Every Tuesday, we’ll be ranking Becca Kufrin’s top contestants based on how well they performed the night before and exactly how they might completely fall apart throughout the season. It’s the perfect way to keep up with the contestants (even the ones you’ll forget about immediately after watching).
While Kim Jong Un is not number one, we have rounded up Becca Kufrin’s remaining suitors and ranked them based on their chances of winning, from least likely (how has the banjo player stuck around?) to most (she seems rather smitten with Blake’s square head).
Rank Last Week: 15
Reason for Ranking: All I know about Mike is that he has hair long enough for a man bun but can’t compete with the far more entertaining Leo. He also gives me serious UnReal August vibes. With hair like that, he should be the real male model (sorry
off-brand Zoolander Jordan). Hopefully, he can escape unscathed and start promoting SugarBearHair gummies.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: If The Bachelorette follows an UnReal plot, his man bun could be cut off like Samson.
Rank Last Week: 17
Reason for Ranking: Nick’s whining makes him seem like a lost boy band member, but it could be because of his slicked-back hair and the fact that it looks like he hasn’t gone through puberty yet. Does Nick emit an Axe Body Spray odor? Most likely.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: See all of the above.
Rank Last Week: 13
Reason for Ranking: This banjo player is not long for this world. His rich man’s Wells Adams aesthetic doesn’t seem to be Becca’s type. She did ditch grocery store Joe, who was similarly hipster. He looks weak and it seems like our gal Becca has a thing for athletes, based on her remaining roster.
He barely made an appearance throughout the episode. It’s entirely possible he was locked inside his room, playing the banjo.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: He’s a banjo player who touts his musical skills as an “indie!” selling point, yet he has not played the banjo for Becca.
Rank Last Week: 14
Reason for Ranking: He’s a professional dunker!
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: She needs to let him dunk on girls in paradise.
Rank Last Week: 11
Reason for Ranking: Full disclosure, I had to double check that John wasn’t eliminated on night one, as he’s actually successful and not an aspiring Zoolander or softcore porn actor (more on that later). The software engineer was one of the developers of Venmo, which means he can definitely afford to take time off of work.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: He has never played football before.
Rank Last Week: 12
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: He looks like a Midwestern mom at Zumba class when he attempts athleticism.
Name: Jean Blanc
Rank Last Week: 9
Reason for Ranking: Saying “that first kiss felt like fireworks” basically guarantees the charmer will stick around for at least a few more episodes.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: He’s a “colognoisseur” which doesn’t sound particularly lucrative.
Rank Last Week: 10
Reason for Ranking: Formerly of man bun fame, Leo is now best known for starring in a softcore porn called High Heel Homicide. The stuntman is athletic enough to continue to shine in sports challenges, but he’s not so great in the love department thus far.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: We can’t see the seemingly very vanilla Becca going for Leo and his prior experience (and we’re not talking about trampoline time)…although you never know, the now-Duchess of Sussex did date former porn star Simon Rex.
Rank Last Week: 3
Reason for Ranking: He did get the first group date rose. And the pair both love Harry Potter (of course, so do millions of other people as it was one of the bestselling books of all time). He definitely turned into a frontrunner because of that silk jacket, he looked like the Queer Eye star Karamo who also appreciates a solid silk bomber.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: Wills came through with the Tinder knowledge when Jordan was exposed…he might be ready to get back to swiping.
Rank Last Week: 7
Reason for Ranking: He is most definitely not here for the right reasons. He’s this season’s Chad, only far more boring. Someone needs to hand him some raw meat to gnaw on. You know there’s a producer whispering in Becca’s ear that she has to keep him around because every time he’s onscreen she looks more uncomfortable.
He did have some golden one-liners (although he’s no Corinne). He announced, “I’m out here like a surgeon” during the pedicure portion of the evening and proved he can give a mean foot rub. He should probably add that to his Tinder bio, where he already has 4,000 matches.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: He thinks “professionality” is a word. Becca would be better off getting a golden retriever as a pet.
Rank Last Week: 18
Reason for Ranking: Chris Harrison greeted David by saying, “I don’t even remember you from night one!” Now you’re destined to remember the chicken suit-wearer forever after he broke his nose and suffered a concussion after falling off of his bunk bed.
Does the ambulance sit outside of the mansion, always on-call? Hopefully they saved money by having Clay and David share a room at the hospital.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: He literally fell apart.
Rank Last Week: 4
Reason for Ranking: Connor looks like a Conrad Birdie even after physical activity, which is mildly threatening. Think about how good his hair must look in the morning.
He’s so dramatic you know he’d be texting you if you so much as liked another man’s Instagram picture. Does Becca really want to date someone who has better hair than her and “doesn’t think it’s appropriate” when he sees a photo of her with another dude?
Connor is basically Krystal—everyone watching at home will be hoping he hightails it onto the next bus to paradise, but he’ll con Becca into thinking he’s a normal human being.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: Like many a Bachelorette contestant before him, Connor is instantly forgettable. But he’s already mastered the signature hair swoop, which almost guarantees he makes it so far into the season you find yourself asking “Who?” even after watching every episode.
Rank Last Week: 5
Reason for Ranking: Athletes are always popular on The Bachelorette (ignore the fact that he never actually suited up for a Chargers game). If you need proof that he’ll make it far, just look at former baseball player Josh Murray and current SEC commentator Jordan Rodgers. Plus, he dated Olympian Aly Raisman, so he’s used to the spotlight. Now that Clay’s gone, she needs to keep a footballer around. It’s practically Bachelorette law.
Colton is not here for the right reasons even if he convinced Becca that he’s ready for marriage. He sounds like a robotic, off-brand version of Tim Tebow. Maybe he and Tia can one day find love in Paradise.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: Colton dated Tia right before the show started, but that shouldn’t bother anyone. The entire franchise is about making sloppy seconds seem appealing.
Rank Last Week: 6
Reason for Ranking: Was his entire aesthetic inspired by Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You? He looks pensive in his picture. But much like the ladies in 10 Things I Hate About You, Becca’s digging him, despite forgetting his name. Don’t they have boards with everyone’s faces like sorority recruitment? He still got a kiss despite her forgetful moment, making the entire episode exactly like a Greek mixer.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: His Patrick Bateman meets used car salesman vibe might still lead to him being completely forgettable.
Rank Last Week: 3
Reason for Ranking: Sure, Garrett was exposed for liking racist, sexist and xenophobic memes, but Becca’s cool with it now. And it’s not like she could check her phone while she’s busy being charmed by his jock/nerd WB show mashup of a personality.
Why would Garrett tackle anyone after Clay was injured? They were like two kids on the playground before they have their first kiss. At least Becca wasn’t seriously injured.
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: Becca is a noted Hillary Clinton supporter and loves Joe Biden so much she has a shirt hoping he’ll run in 2020. If politics comes up, it’s entirely possible Garrett will go home despite getting her first impression rose.
Rank Last Week: 1
Reason for Ranking: Blake has just the type of forgettable face that all but guarantees he’ll make it to hometown dates. By the time you scroll past this picture, you’ll forget he’s ever existed, which means he’ll slide under the radar and into Becca’s heart.
He also has the pushed back hair of Aaron Samuels and the type of square chin that makes him look like a Ken doll aspiring to be a G.I. Joe. And unlike fellow contestant Garrett, he hasn’t been accused of liking racist memes (yet).
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: Blake Squarehead get grumpy when other gentleman talk to his woman, which is pretty much the crux of the whole thing.
Name: Chris R.
Rank Last Week: 16
Reason for Ranking: There are so many men named Chris competing for Becca’s love and Instagram likes that she’ll have to keep at least one around. Just look at Lauren B. from Arie’s season for definitive proof.
It previously looked like both Christon and Chris Harrison had a better chance of sticking around, but this week Chris had the one-on-one date and was given a rose, proving his merit to Becca.
He even penned preschool worthy lyrics about his crush. Writing about feelings is hard for Chris R., because he once sent his deadbeat dad a letter that he ignored.
Obviously, once the producers heard about that they made sure Chris R. would have to take pen to paper immediately. His ability to overcome it, and his obvious enjoyment of Becca’s lite bondage costume, proves he’s ready to find love in a hopeless place (the Bachelorette mansion).
Why He Might Completely Fall Apart: Is Chris actually this season’s Lauren B.? At one point he told Becca, “You had some good words,” which sounds like it was written by the people responsible for creating her dialogue.