Unconventional measures? It's about time! We had a few thoughts. 

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“I could kill you,” the subject reminded the author at one of the jailhouse sit-downs.

“I’m not that easy to kill,” Mr. Carlo ventured. “I’m fast.”

Mr. Kuklinski brought down a huge fist, stopping just short of the writer’s knee. “I just broke your leg,” he said. “You’re not that fast.”

Intense. Read the profile. Anyway, Mr. Carlo has recently been spotted seeking an assistant on Craigslist, and, like any true bad-ass, he has exacting demands:

you must be able to do extensive, very thorough research, answer phones, make appointments, help me interview both people in law enforcement and people on the other side of the law-- never take no for an answer. you must be upbeat and optimistic. you must be able to think on your feet and effortlessly multi task . you also, absolutely, must be able to take perfect rapid dictation.

And he has every right expect such assistance. As the Times profile explains, he is wheelchair-bound and battling Lou Gehrig's Disease, but continues to live, function, and write. Here are some things that make him the baddest bastard this side of Jack Bauer:

• He's 60 but has a beautiful 35-year-old wife.
• He is "a bullet-domed Brooklynite who grew up surrounded by criminal intrigue" (per the Times).
• To sleep, he has to wear a mask. His take on it: "I look like an octopus."
• He made the Times issue one of the best corrections ever:
  

  An article last Sunday about Philip Carlo, a true-crime horror writer who is fighting Lou Gehrig’s disease, misidentified, in some editions, the Mafia family that included Salvatore Gravano, who Mr. Carlo said had ordered the brother of a childhood friend of his killed. Mr. Gravano was an underboss in the Gambino — not Bonanno — family.

• The always promotional Andy Cohen shills for his Real Housewives of D.C. series. It's deeper than you think? Right.
• Fellow Bravo spokeswoman Alex McCord was awake till 3am writing blogs. We saw her and Simon out earlier in the night at a U.S. Open-related event getting her drink on.
• Also at the event were Andy Roddick and John Legend, who apparently enjoyed FatBooth together. (FatBooth is an iPhone app that makes your face look 100 to 200 pounds fatter.) Brooklyn Decker (Roddick's wife) wasn't there, but she noticed the shenanigans that occurred. This happened before midnight, but I thought it ought to be shared.
• Social-media expert Rachel Sklar retweeted a funny comment about fashion faux pas.
• Idiosyncratic punctuater 50 Cent was tweeting up a storm, as is his wont. The two best ones: he rages against a "funky bitch," and then he calms down.

That's all I've got for today. Follow the Observer on Twitter, please. Thanks.

Ken Mehlman, George W. Bush's 2004 campaign manager

When: Last Night

Venue: The Atlantic

Headline: Bush Campaign Chief and Former RNC Chair Ken Mehlman: I'm Gay

Cheesy Sound Bite: "It's taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life. Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey."

How It Played: Spot-on. Despite being his long-time friend, politics editor Marc Ambinder prods him into taking responsibility for his silence: "Mehlman acknowledges that if he had publicly declared his sexuality sooner, he might have played a role in keeping the party from pushing an anti-gay agenda." If he'd shopped it out to another outlet, or just made a personal statement to friends and family, he might've been able to avoid having to give those answers. Media-ite has further details about how Mehlman timed the release of his coming-out story to coincide with a $5,000 donation to the American Foundation for Equal Rights, a gay rights committee.

Danielle Staub, Real Housewife of New Jersey

When: June 22, 2010

Venue: Watch Watch Happens Live, Andy Cohen's Personal Soapbox

Why: To perform her new song, "So Close," a collaboration with lesbian singer Lori Michaels

Cheesy Sound Bite: Just listen to the song

Appropriateness of Media Outlet: A Bravo star going on another Bravo show, pretending to be gay with her new lesbian lover/songstress? Where else would this happen?

Side Note: I met Danielle Staub personally right after she made this "lesbian love song," and, when I told her it seemed like playing the bisexual card was a good way to try and stay in the public eye, she agreed, and said she wanted to "be in the spotlight for as long as possible." Sounds like she's definitely not pretending to be gay as a publicity stunt, right?

Chely Wright, country singer

Venue: People magazine

When: May 3, 2010

Headline: Country Music Artist Chely Wright Comes Out

Cheesy Sound Bite: "Nothing in my life has been more magical than the moment I decided to come out."

Appropriateness of Media Outlet: In the weeks leading up to publication, People teased the public by touting that a big celebrity was coming out in its pages. After rumors that the celebrity was Chely Wright leaked early -- to tepid reception in the blogosphere -- the editors decided not to run it as a cover story. Wright said that those who were disappointed didn't understand what it meant to grow up closeted in a conservative setting, so maybe she should've taken her story to people who do: a country-music magazine like Country Weekly.

It seems like the coming-out story isn't as big news as it once was.

Anyway, various versions of the HuffPo story have popped on less rigorously sourced sites. In a jeremiad that bemoans the state of web journalism, he tosses some awesomely barbed metaphors at the HuffPo, calling it:

• "the internet Death Star"
• "an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars"
• "a stripper wearing reading glasses"

It's a political site that pays its writers poorly/nothing, yet hawks Chevy Malibus in banner ads, and then it goes and publishes unbylined, unsourced celebrity gossip! He is extremely on point here. He concludes with a headline of his own: "JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: "GO F**K YOURSELF!" The Huffington Post acknowledged his rant with an update noting that he did not deny whether he and Jennifer were getting back together... Sounds like they want to piss him off some more.

We're hoping that, instead of another impassioned rant saying that the Huffington Post is an avaricious hypocrite, though, John Mayer responds with a simple diss track. The refrain could go, "The Huffington Post is full of s**t / I wonder if they'll invite Jen to guest edit." Two birds, one stone.

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• Lizzie Grubman, scandal-tainted PR impresario and inspirer of a "thinly veiled roman a clef," had a midnight dinner with someone named @SuperOJ (who wasn't in a killing mood that night, weird).
• Extra-terrestrial reptile Rachel Sklar gave us some late-night insight into the pretenses of zombie-corpse Taylor Momsen.
• Speaking of insight, Gawker blogger Maureen O'Connor is never in short supply, particularly when it comes to the biographical nature of social media.
• Speaking of media, comedienne Sarah Silverman wonders why musicians are so universal.
• Speaking of musicians, e-mail expert Kanye West hated the e-mail we sent to him last night. Sorry to be a tease, baby, but you do it all the time.
• And a night wouldn't be complete without some 4am horoscopes from the PR lady of Hollywood Life creator, Bonnie Fuller. Virgos, beware your usual late-night tricks.

Did we miss something truly classic? Tweet at us! Or send us a super-discreet message.

He describes the deodorizing agent thusly: "It has a pleasant, showery smell. It’s not offensive and it’s not overpowering. It’s a light scent." It's a far cry from Burr's purple prose in T magazine, where he describes Hermès' latest women's perfume as "the milky scent of an infant's breath." We swoon. But this landfill man is on his way to great things, and great scents. We think the Times ought to get Mr. Burr and Mr. Fitamant acquainted as soon as possible, preferably by putting the critic on-assignment to determine the landfill's new top notes. The Gray Lady used to have a whole New Jersey section, after all.

• Former Anakin (and future Darth Vader) Hayden Christensen's fake Twitter account was abuzz with activity (that was later deleted? we have screengrabs), including "revelations" that he's gay, narcissistic, gay and narcissistic, and just plain inarticulate. (We know it's fake because we e-mailed Hayden's PR people last week to let him know about this account. They said Hayden didn't tweet.)
• Speaking of the Dark Side, the Death Star's PR team is pissed at Ke$ha.
• Speaking of Ke$ha, PARTY.
• Speaking of PARTY, that's what Olympic skating queen Johnny Weir has been doing with Rachel Zoe boo Brad Goreski. 
• The Daily News' Gatecrasher co-columnist Carson Griffith was asked by a mysteriously savvy fellow on a 2am coffee date. What an item.
• Former Gawker darling and current NonSociety entrepreneur Julia Allison eats dinner late. Ambivalent.

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1) A $2.9M Nolita Penthouse: We would've picked Little Italy itself, but everyone knows no real Italian-Americans live or work there. Nearby Nolita, which stands of North o' Li'l It'ly, is a hotspot for restaurants, bars, and culture--the perfect redoubt for a savvy dude from Albany like Mike. 

As it happens, there's a lovely Mulberry Street penthouse with his name on it! It costs a cool $2.9 mil, and comes with three sweet bedrooms. It's lit like a trashy tiki bar in Seaside Heights, so he'll never feel too far from home. If he's feeling particularly industrious, he can buy out the whole damned building--all eight floors are on the market. Together they'd cost a little over $18 million, but unfortunately, as we were informed by the realtors, there's no discount when you buy them up all at once. Not even if you have exceptionally chiseled abs.

2) A Hell's Kitchen Gym-Tanning-Laundry Mega-Fortress Called "GTL": People drink at gyms now, so their minds probably wouldn't be so blown at the prospect of doing their laundry and tanning in the same place. Even though a venture this massive will likely cost far above $5 million, we're sure Mike could find some business partners who believe in the power of the 29-year-old's clearly-defined (and well-established!) GTL brand. He could also save himself some time and planning and just invest in this.

3) A Staten Island Mansion on Top of a Ritzy Hill: Mike used to work as a stripper on the South Shore of New York City's Forgotten Borough, which is a stone's throw from Dirty Jerz itself. In fact, geographically speaking, Staten Island belongs more to New Jersey State than to New York City, and would probably be a part of Jersey had it not been for certain histori-nautical factors--i.e., the fact that you have to navigate between Brooklyn and Staten Island to get to Manhattan's safe harbor waters. As a former resident of the borough myself, I would advise the Situation to choose Emerson Hill over Todt Hill. Less mafia-y.

4) (West?) Hollywood: Perfect for shirt-raisin', papparazzi-lovin' fameballs.

5) The Moon: Perhaps Mr. Sorrentino should escape reality before reality TV consumes him.