None too shabby. (Gothamist)

What costs $500, smells like urine, and bears no trace of modern day utilities? If you guessed a great real-estate investment, well then, you’d be right!

In a new series exploring its readers apartments, Gothamist shares the experience of Lisa R., who moved into her East Village tenement in 1980. The building had been abandoned for 10 years, which may account for its exceedingly poor upkeep.

In 1980 I moved into an abandoned East Village tenement [at 11th Street and Avenue A] that lacked electricity, running water, windows, heat, toilets, sinks, stoves, refrigerators and plumbing, which had been torn out of the walls by junkies looking for scrap to sell, leaving giant holes in the walls and ceilings—the wind used to whistle through in the winter. We used to take showers in the fire hydrant across the street, and at night when we came in we'd have to crab-walk sideways up the stairs with a pipe or bat because we had no idea who might be waiting to mug us in the unlit hallways. I spent 6 months living by candlelight and using large cans as a toilet, two years without heat or running water in my space.

But the city’s real-estate junk can be a tenant’s treasure!

Under the Tenant’s Interim Lease program, Lisa ended up purchasing two of the building’s apartments, which were on the city's rent rolls, for a mere $500. Now, 30 years later, Curbed points out that a 2BR apartment on her block can cost around $1.5 million. Damn, girl!

While most of us would consider Lisa a masochist for voluntarily submitting herself to the dangers and disease characterizing her apartment, The Observer has to commend her on finally being able to reap the benefits of living like a hobo.

kcarter@observer.com

Looks safe to us.

“I’m literally just a Jewish person living in New York City, but I guess my neighbor doesn’t like that.”

Although he’s pulling the race card, The Observer can’t help but sympathize with Zev Geller, who is being sued for $500,000 for constructing a “fire hazard” on the terrace of his Trump Place condo, according to the Post.

And by “fire hazard” we are referring to his 20-foot sukkah, a religious structure that serves more of a symbolic purpose than a practical one, at least, not since Israel’s last harvest season or the Exodus from Egypt. Observant Jews will camp out in their sukkahs during the holiday of Sukkot. Hip ones build designer baubles in Union Square.

Although Geller has hinted that the disgruntled couple slapping him with the suit could be Anti-Semites, Thomas Tagliani and Leslie Lucas claim that the matter has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with safety: They are worried that the straw sukkot will transform into the burning bush.

kcarter@observer.com

Don't trip on the trap (NY Times)

Although The Observer has only been privileged of seeing the kind of trap door found on the bottom of an infant’s onesie, there are some New Yorkers who have, in fact, encountered the real deal.

Secret passageways, trap doors and hidden rooms are no longer reserved for the sets of movies.  There are actual New York City residences, stretching from the Upper East Side all the way to Park Slope, The Times reports, whose blueprints don’t reveal all.

Perhaps most well known is the underground tunnel lurking beneath Riverside Drive’s Schinasi Mansion, where an underground tunnel leads to the Hudson.  But there are others, as well, such as the mini cellar hidden beneath the floorboards of Eric Schiller’s staircase, most likely a remnant of the Prohibition Era.

While many of these stowaway spaces no longer serve their original purpose, who’s to say that they can’t find a renewed sense of meaning?  While we agree with The Times when they say, “hiding the family silver or keeping servants out of sight… are less relevant today,” The Observer can think of a long list of people and things that could benefit from being routinely tucked away (younger siblings, a guilty pleasure, or maybe an illegal one, just to name a few).

A secret closet was recently discovered in the master bedroom of an apartment on East 67^th Street, after being hidden behind a brocade for decades. And to think: If R. Kelly lived in the penthouse of the Milan House, he might never have escaped the closet.

kcarter@observer.com

Sellout!

The honor system is dead. One needs to look no further than to Philip Micali for evidence. When he saw that his home was being featured as The Post's “House of the Week,” a day after signing it away to buyer Jean Gath, Mr. Micali started to waver on the deal.

His irises, having been replaced by green dollar signs, led him to rescind the original contract and then ask Ms. Gath for an additional $55,000, making the total asking price $795,000, according to The Daily News.

What’s a girl to do?

Ms. Gath is taking the high road and is bringing the case to the Manhattan Supreme Court. But for those of us with neither the time nor the patience to endure the pending decision of the legislature and the antics of someone who, as an adult, has tried to pull a “takesy backsy” on us, there is an alternate way of handling the situation:

1. Get to a payphone.
2. Call up The Don’s Deli and ask for “Linguini.”
3. When prompted, say, “It was Barzini. I mean, Micali.”
4. State your situation.
5. Offer monetary compensation.
6. Wait.

Within 24 hours, the culprit will not only apologize to you, but also agree to the original deal and add in a few kickbacks as well (you can keep that antique lamp you were eyeing).

When signing on the dotted line is no longer considered a binding act, a little scare tactic never hurt anyone. Frowned upon? Maybe. Effective? Definitely.

kcarter@observer.com

Senator Bill Perkins has introduced a bill in Albany that would ban eating on trains and platforms. One of its most surprising opponents is new MTA chairman Joe Lohota, or the “rat czar,” as he was known when he served as deputy mayor in the Giuliani administration.

While the correlation between subway eating and rat prevalence seems pretty obvious, Mr. Lohota does not support the ban, despite his past efforts to eradicate the pesky vermin, according to The Times.

Why the change of heart?

“It severely hurts and impacts minority communities. I don’t want to deny the kid the only time that day he’s going to get food,” Mr. Lohota told The Times.

Let’s be serious.  With the recent cuts made to the number of car cleaners, the MTA isn’t really looking to make the subways any cleaner. (Plus, rats are a city staple, right?)  Conspiracy theorists, listen up:  This is an effort to combat America’s obesity epidemic!

Look no further than the MTA’s FasTrack maintenance program, which plans on closing tracks for another 59 days, from 10pm to 5am, in order to more quickly repair the rails.

MTA’s senior vice president of subways, Carmen Bianco, apologizes to commuters with some helpful advice. “Hopefully, our customers will only have to walk a block, or two blocks at the most, to get alternate service,” she told the Daily News.

Soon enough we will all be hearing about the newest and hottest diet craze of 2012:  the Subway Rider’s Diet.  It’s secret?  Diet and exercise!

He'll probably want a place with some nice views. (getty)

Let’s just say, he’s over it, and who could blame him? A 6-foot-3 body  is not meant to sleep on a couch (unless induced by the consumption of a few beers). But up until recently, Knicks point guard, Jeremy Lin, didn’t seem to have a choice. After being cut from the Houston Rockets and then waived by the Golden State Warriors, the Knicks picked Lin up in December. His future with the team, whether or not they would sign him for a second year, was uncertain. Rather than risk renting, Mr. Lin decided to crash his brother's couch, as has been noted in almost every mention of him.

Lin’s stellar performance, scoring over 20 points in each of the Knicks last three games, has put his team on a winning streak, and secured him a second year contract set at a minimum of $613,567. And now it’s time to crack open the piggy bank! Sources say Lin is looking to buy or rent in either Westchester County, where the Knicks practice, or the city, according to the Post.

“Yeah, I’m gonna get my own place soon,” he told reporters on his way to a game in Washington, according to The Daily News.

It's about time! A grown man, especially one who stands so tall, ought to have his own place already.

realestate@observer.com

Mr. Koch is donating $60 million to the museum to renovate the space out front, the Met announced today.

While Met officials expressed the plaza’s need for some serious nip and tuck, up until recently there was neither enough funding nor enough resources to execute any changes. If the project passes public approval, renovations to the area extending along Fifth Avenue from 80th to 84th Street would begin by the fall 2012 and slated for completion by the summer of 2014.

OLIN, a Philadelphia architecture and design firm, will be leading the project.  It plans to make improvements to the space by providing additional seating, planting more greenery, installing LED lighting at night, and upgrading the fountains (think:  Vegas-style more than school playground).

While it’s obvious that the Met knows that, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts,” now it’s finally able to acknowledge that there comes a point where one’s outer image becomes important, as well.  Hopefully, its project proposal will be Met with a seal of approval.

Perhaps we should start calling Mr. Koch "Mr. Met?" After all, he's been a big booster for the opera on the other side of the park.

realestate@observer.com

Just be forewarned: there will be obstacles separating you from achieving that happy Buddha belly. A barrage of yuppies and tourists (a rather dangerous combination) will attempt to frustrate and delay you, so remember to stay focused, and agile. The Observer was nearly taken out by a suited-up-stockbroker.“Is he serious? That's gonna be a ridiculously impossible trade!” he yelled into his cell phone while his flailing arm came inches away from close-lining me.

But after making your way through the crowded city streets, you will find an urban oasis. Fou trucks were parked outside of Four World Financial Center when The Observer arrived: Kimchi Taco, Taïm Mobile, Van Leeuwen Artisan Ice Cream, and Gorilla Cheese NYC. NYC Food Truck Association has 21 local food trucks participating in the new dining concourse and they alternate throughout the week (visit the World Financial Center site to view the day's vendors). While each of the trucks seemed to be offering up equally good eats, The Observer decided to check out why Kimchi Taco's line was the longest.

The East-meets-Southwest truck's menu features a $9 sampling combo of their four featured tacos: Grilled Korean BBQ Short Rib, Spicy Seared Pork, Pulled Chicken, and Tofu Edamame Falafel. The fare was light, fresh, and delicious—although the vegetarian option was sub-par, so you might want to opt for the $7 combo of three tacos instead.

After picking up your order you can sit along the waterfront and enjoy your meal (or feel guilty you're stuffing your face while joggers frequently pass by). But if it's too cold and windy for your liking, you can dine-in at Winter Garden, which has stadium style steps you can plop down on. Added bonus: the indoor public courtyard has palm trees, so you can even pretend you're in Korea or Cozumel.

The World Financial Center Food Truck Court will definitely be a popular attraction come springtime. The waterfront provides a nice setting to escape the hustle and bustle of the city. And because the line-up of food trucks changes daily, you can be sure to find something you like.

The mobile dining option has evolved from the dirty water hotdog stand to gourmet food trucks. The fact that new trucks and sites continue to pop up shows how they are becoming the preferred dining option for New Yorkers. So, mangia! Bon appétit! Eat up and enjoy!

Visit the World Financial Center Food Truck Court: Monday through Friday from 11AM to 3PM at Four World Financial Center on North End Avenue and Vesey Street

An endangered species.

It’s Friday night and your friend has been bugging you for weeks to get dinner at that restaurant he’s been dying to go to, but you’ve resisted ($175 for a hamburger, really?).  But now that it’s Restaurant Week (and there’s a pre-fix menu), you’re going!  So you hop in your car and head downtown. The traffic gods seem to be in your favor and you make it to your destination with time to spare.  There’s just one minor problem:  there’s no parking.

Encountering vacant parking spaces in New York City can be as hard to come by as a date you’d want to take home to mom.  From a distance, things are looking good, but the closer you get you realize your mistake.  The sign cautions:  “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY.”  In just ten minutes you’ve gone from normal to stalker to misanthrope.

The negative correlation between the population of New York City residents to parking spaces for the cars of those residents (and for out-of-towners, as well), makes for a very hostile relationship:  as the number of residents increases, the number of parking spots decreases.  As the island of Manhattan continues to develop, condos are being built everywhere where parking lots and garages once stood.  And while developers do not need a permit to provide parking spots for 20 percent of the number of apartments in a building, says The Times, they do need the city’s approval if they want to build more spaces.

So how much does a 9’ by 20’ plot of asphalt run for these days?  According to The Times, spots can cost over $200,000 to buy or more than $1,000 a month to rent!  And I thought the rent for my closet-sized LES apartment was steep!  Maybe we ought to kill two pigeons with one stone and invest in a mobile home!

realestate@observer.com

Storm damage in Grand Army Plaza. (CP Conservancy)

It seems that the prayers of Dr. Seuss' lovable Lorax are finally being answered—in the form of MillionTreesNYC. But like all things, it comes at a cost.

Having recently reached its halfway point of planting 500,000 trees in October 2011 (a year ahead of schedule), MillionTreesNYC now faces its biggest obstacle yet: the U.S. economy. Just as nearly every other industry's budget and workforce are being trimmed, the greenery program is no exception, according to City Limits.

A vital component in ensuring that the program reaches its goal is maintenance efforts. Pruning is necessary in clearing away fallen branches and promoting tree growth, however, pruning cycles have been extended with each consecutive year.

To make matters worse, Mother Nature has been no innocent bystander in all of this: New York’s recent encounters with unpredictable and extreme weather (e.g. the September 2010 tornado and October 2011 snowstorm) have left the city footing a bill for claims related to injuries and damages from fallen debris. And while New York’s iconic London Planes are loved by many of its residents, they are also the most susceptible to incurring damage in severe weather conditions.

But Parks Department is trying to be proactive. "Even in the last few hurricanes and snow storms we've experienced, less than 1 percent of trees uprooted were planted within the last four years through MillionTreesNYC, which is a testament to the success of our revised planting methods” Parks spokeswoman Tara Kernan told City Limits. The true culprit of poor planting decisions is Robert Moses, who strongly encouraged the planting of London Planes back in the 1930s.

So what does the future look like for MillionTreesNYC? Despite facing a compromised budget, limited supplies, and a hiring freeze, the Parks Department does not seem shaken. The key to all of this is to be more resourceful, or as Ms. Kernan puts it, “to do more with less.”

The city is encouraging a communal effort for the movement’s success, which means: get off your stump, and take care of your trees—and quick, or else New York could share the same fate as smoggy LA.

realestate@observer.com