Luke Perry, old person (Old Navy)

Will there ever be a time when we don't get a good dose of schadenfreude looking at the visual timeline of former 90210 hunk Luke Perry? How much his face sags seems to be in inverse proportion to how much we want to see him pretend to be Dylan McKay again. Because it's funny? Because it's sad? Because it reminds us of our own mortality?

Who knows ... here's an Old Navy commercial, though, with Jennie Garth, Mr. Perry and the seemingly un-aging Jason Priestley.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QYQ0yxwYqG4

Fun fact: Coy Luther Perry III is only 45 years old, making him younger than both Doctor House and Walter White, but somehow scarier-looking than both of them put together.

Monday: The Golden Girls
Thank you for being a friend! If it’s Labor Day Monday, that means it’s time for television marathons, and we’ll certainly take a pass by WE to catch a bit of The Golden Girls. Starting at 1 p.m., you can catch dozens of episodes back-to-back (hence the title “marathon”) and remind yourself that Betty White was funny way before she stole every scene in The Proposal this summer. [WE, starting at 1 p.m.]

Tuesday: 90210
We’d venture to say that the behind-the-scenes drama surrounding the first season of 90210 was more compelling than what wound up onscreen. To wit: The reboot actually rebooted itself midseason! If the final episodes of season one were any indication, this new new version will be less inclined to care about the nostalgia of the original series (less Brenda and Kelly!) and more interested in TMZ-ready scandal. Between 90210 and the new Melrose Place (premiering afterward at 9 p.m.), the CW has made it certain that you’ll want to close Tuesday nights with a long shower to cleanse yourself of the sleaze. [the CW, 8 p.m.]

Wednesday: Glee
If you haven't heard about Glee yet, we hope you aren't missing the cool shade of the rock you've been sleeping under. Hasn't the push for Glee been unrelenting? Since the airing of the pilot in May, not a week has gone by when we haven’t heard something about the new Fox series, a quasi-musical about the trials and tribulations of a high school glee club. While conspiracy theorists posit that Fox showing Glee in lieu of Barack Obama’s address to Congress (airing on all the major networks Wednesday night) is because of their Republican leanings, we’re pretty sure they had no choice. They’ve put too much into Glee to have its premiere shifted because of something insignificant like the fate of the health care industry in America. [Fox, 9 p.m.]

Thursday: Deep Blue Sea
Smart sharks! The premise of Deep Blue Sea—something having to do with scientists genetically engineering the brains of mako sharks to help cure Alzheimer’s (seriously)—is as ridiculous as the pastiche cast, which features LL Cool J, Thomas Jane, Saffron Burrows, Michael Rapaport, Stellan Skarsgard and Samuel L. Jackson, who meets his maker in one of the most shocking death scenes ever filmed. (Oh, um, spoiler! Whatever, people, this thing came out 10 years ago, and the statute of limitations have long passed.)  [SyFy, 9 p.m.]

Friday: Jay-Z: Live from Madison Square Garden: Answer the Call
In honor of September 11 (and to promote his new album, The Blueprint III, which conveniently comes out the same day) Jay-Z will be performing at Madison Square Garden and Fuse is kind enough to air the concert you definitely couldn’t afford to see live. Having heard Hova’s latest—it leaked onto the Internet last week—we’re pumped. While “Run This Town” might be the big single as of now, don’t think you won’t be downloading “Empire State of Mind” before this night is through. That song will be the anthem of the fall. [Fuse, 9 p.m.]

At Wimbledon, she was criticized for chewing gum during Haas' match--described by the Guardian as "chewing so nervously it looked like she had it all over her nose and ears"--and not looking the role of the say, the model or actress that she is.

"You're going never going to see me wearing lots of makeup, you're never going to see me with my hair done, you'e never going to see me in some little outfit with my boobs sticking out," she said, when I sat down for lunch with her on Thursday afternoon. "I got a lot of flack at Wimbledon for chewing gum! [ESPN analyst Brad] Gilbert gave me some shit. I was chomping it! And guess what? Hey, I was! I'm not there to look pretty. I'm not there to look like the blonde in the box. I could give a fuck."

But you kind of think she would: Her father is a famous record producer, she was listed as one of Maxim's hottest girls, she was one of Vinny Chase's lovers on Entourage and she introduced Demi Moore to Ashton Kutchner.

Instead, she chooses to be unfussy. (She ate  an entire plate of bowtie pasta with pesto sauce in front of a reporter with a notebook and a digital camera, for example.) But even if she had some bags under her eyes during Wimbledon--which she refused to blot out with some make-up cake--she looks pretty great anyway.

Starting in 2007, she began regularly attending Haas' matches. She learned tennis. Now, she can practically recite the entire men's draw and size up the strengths of each men's player.

Haas has been a longtime hottie on the men's tour, so we were wondering: How did she snag him?

It turns out, back in 2004, she was at her friend's apartment in the city and she saw Haas on television. She liked what she saw.

A couple of years later, Haas was having dinner with mutual friends. She ran into them. She met him and put two and two together (You're that hot tennis player!). She was moving temporarily to Prague to shoot a movie, and he was traveling everywhere for tennis. They became email buddies.

Tommy, it turns out, was the best emailer a girl could dream of.

"He's very proper," she said. "He never crossed the line. He was always the perfect gentleman. There was never a 'Hayyyy, send me a pic!'"

Well played, Mr. Haas!

This past December, on Christmas Eve, Tommy Haas dropped to a knee and asked Sara to get married. Now she's got a big diamond ring on her hand.

Can we expect a big wedding, with Demi and Ashton in tow?

"It'll be a thing like, 'Hey next Tuesday, should we get a preist here?' There won't be a wedding dress or anything."

If there is a silver lining to be found in the end of the summertime—not counting the ever-increasing likelihood that we’ll all get the swine flu—it’s that we are on the precipice of the fall television season. Thank goodness. In an effort to get you and your DVR prepared, here’s The Observer’s fall TV preview. We’ve already covered CBS, NBC, Fox and ABC. Finally, here’st CW!

Melrose Place (Tuesdays at 9 p.m., premieres September 8)

What the CW says: “In an elegant Spanish-style apartment building in the trendy Melrose neighborhood of Los Angeles, a diverse group of 20-somethings have formed a close-knit surrogate family. When a bloody body is found floating in the courtyard pool, the police are soon to discover, almost everyone living at Melrose Place had a reason to want the deceased out of the way.”

What we say: Because suffering through the indignities that were the first season of the CW’s 90210 reboot weren’t quite terrible enough, here comes a reboot of Melrose Place. We won’t spoil who that floating dead body is, but know it’s one of the original characters (Hint: rhymes with Mindy). As for the series itself, if it’s anything like the billboards for the show that are plastered around the city—“Ménage a Tues,” “Tuesdays are the New Hump Day”—we’re not expecting much.

What we’ll say six months from now: “That 90210/Melrose Place crossover episode was fairly disappointing.”

The Beautiful Life (Wednesdays at 9 p.m., premieres September 16)

What the CW says: “The life of a high-fashion model appears glamorous and sexy, but as every new model quickly learns, behind the beauty is a world of insecurity and cutthroat competition.”

What we say: From executive producer Ashton Kutcher, The Beautiful Life promises to be a fictionalized version of Project Runway, or, perhaps, All About Eve with models. Whatever. We’re just interested to see if former O.C. star Mischa Barton can make it through the first season without being fired and/or going into rehab.

What we’ll say six months from now: “Why hasn’t anyone given Rachel Bilson her own series?”

The Vampire Diaries (Thursdays at 8 p.m., premieres September 10)

What the CW says: “Four months after the tragic car accident that killed their parents, 17-year-old Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev, DeGrassi: The Next Generation) and her 15-year-old brother, Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen, Everwood) are still trying to cope with their grief and move on with their lives. Elena has always been the star student; beautiful, popular and involved with school and friends, but now she finds herself struggling to hide her sadness from the world. As the school year begins, Elena and her friends are fascinated by a handsome and mysterious new student, Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley, Army Wives). Stefan and Elena are immediately drawn to one another, and Elena has no way of knowing that Stefan is a centuries-old vampire, struggling to live peacefully among humans, while his brother Damon (Ian Somerhalder, Lost) is the embodiment of vampire violence and brutality.”

What we say: If you can’t wait until New Moon hits theaters in November, then this is the series for you! The Vampire Diaries has a chance to be a solid hit for The CW, if for no other reason than vampires are so hot right now. However, that Lost alum Ian Somerhalder and his doppelgänger Chace Crawford are now both calling the same network home is probably yet another sign of the coming apocalypse.

What we’ll say six months from now: “OMG! They brought Boone back to Lost!”

Tuesday: 90210
Donna Martin integrates? Nostalgia gets a boost this week as Tori Spelling becomes the latest former 90210 star to return to Beverly Hills for the reboot. Apparently, Donna has been off in Japan becoming a famous fashion designer with her husband, David Silver, but a rough patch in their blissful union has caused her to return stateside. Brian Austin Green won’t be making an appearance during the episode, but both Diablo Cody and Ben Lyons will. If the idea of Diablo Cody, Ben Lyons and Tori Spelling sharing the screen just made your head explode, you’re not alone. [The CW, 9 p.m.]

Wednesday: What Happens in Vegas
Speaking of Ms. Cody… we’ve been pretty much addicted to all things “Fempire” since reading that ill-begotten New York Times Style section piece on the screenwriting club-for-girls. For the uninitiated, “The Fempire” includes Ms. Cody, Dana Fox, Lorene Scafaria and Liz Meriwether, and for some reason, their exploits both fascinate and repel us on a daily basis. (Ms. Cody’s interminable Twitter feed might also have something to do with this.) Ms. Fox, a Stanford graduate, is responsible for What Happens in Vegas, a standard romantic comedy that actually gets lifted out of the doldrums by its exceptional cast. In addition to always-charming megastars Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, What Happens in Vegas features under-the-radar people like Rob Corddry, Zack Galifianakis, Andrew Daly, Lake Bell and Jason Sudekis, proving that the line between mainstream Hollywood and niche comedy is blurrier than ever. [HBO2, 6:15 p.m.]

Thursday: It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
Director Stanley Kramer, best known for overwrought audience pleasers like Inherit the Wind and, later, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?, wanted to make the ultimate comedy, so he cast a litany of stars—Buster Keaton, Jerry Lewis, Spencer Tracy, Carl Reiner, Milton Berle, Sid Ceasar, Mickey Rooney and many others—for this jokey caper. Predictably, the results are overwrought (and overlong), but there is something bizarrely transfixing about watching Hollywood royalty take pratfalls for three hours. [AMC, 8 a.m.]

Friday: Prison Break
After four seasons, two prisons, countless red herrings and one decapitation-that-wasn’t, Prison Break returns this week to begin its slow march toward the great television heaven in the sky (the series finale will air on May 15th). We would never go as far as Stephen King, who called the illogical series one of his favorites, but it will be missed. Despite massive flaws, Prison Break was always good for a laugh, or, at the very least, an exaggerated eye roll. Here’s hoping the series ends with everyone on a spaceship to Mars. Oh wait, that already happened on another show… [Fox, 9 p.m.]

Pro: The nostalgia factor is awesome…

Even the most snobbish and above-it-all television viewer has to get some perverse kick out of seeing Kelly and Brenda (Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty, natch) share the screen together all these years later. That they both rival Blake Lively in acting ability matters not; their mere visages are warm and comforting reminders of a more simple time. Meanwhile, on April 14th, Tori Spelling returns to the fray as well, reprising her role as Donna Martin. We can only hope this means Brian Austin Green isn’t far behind.

Con: …but apparently it won’t last!

Just kidding! Ms. Kirshner has said that starting next season the stunt cameos will diminish greatly because the show needs to “emerge on its own”. That the show is still called 90210 seems to be lost on her, however.

Pro: Shenae Grimes and Dustin Milligan have great chemistry together…

Say what you will about the lack of memorable characters on 90210—we still can’t tell most of the cast members apart—but the central relationship between good girl Annie and jock Ethan has been the show’s one saving grace. Shenae Grimes might be a terror off camera, but on screen she exhibits her own brand of bitchy innocence that makes Annie both sympathetic and maddening. And as the dumb-jock-with-the-good-soul, Dustin Milligan has a laid-back calmness about him that just plain works. Together, they play a believable high school couple, always fighting about nonsense and making out in front of the lockers. It’s adorable!

Con: …too bad, Dustin Milligan got fired!

Unfortunately for Mr. Milligan, Michael Ausiello from Entertainment Weekly reports that his contract wasn’t renewed for season two. Oh well, we’re sure the relationship between “the blonde girl” and “that other dude” will pick up the slack.

Pro: The show is ready to embrace its inherent corniness…

Tonight’s episode features drag racing (Fast and Furious is so hot right now), a crazy stalker, and, the return of the show’s resident “bad boy”, Liam (he's involved with the aforementioned drag racing). Meanwhile, on that April 14th episode when Ms. Spelling returns, superfan Diablo Cody shows up playing herself. You cannot get cornier than that!

Con: …but that might not be so smart!

Drag racing? Crazy stalkers? A “bad boy”? The cornier the show gets, the more it sounds like a Paula Abdul video. That isn’t a good thing.

Tuesday: 90210
We know you stopped watching 90210 after its stilted and much-hyped premiere, but we've kept with it. And you know what? It's still only a hair above mediocre. However! The show has found its footing in recent weeks as 90210 has turned into a photo negative of Gossip Girl; while Chuck and Blair are out drinking martinis, the kids on 90210 are having sleepovers. For those looking for something more salacious than pillow fights, allow us to introduce you to Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes). She's a raging cokehead who recently OD'd and had to have a needle of adrenaline shoved into her heart a la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. That was as awesome as you'd imagine. [The CW, 8 p.m.]

Wednesday: Everyone Says I Love You
Forget the cliché that late-90s Woody Allen movies stink. We can say without regret that Everyone Says I Love You is one of the best films Mr. Allen has ever made. Despite being a musical, this is classic Woody territory; a paean to the Upper East Side coated in a sunny and romantic demeanor and stuffed with an all-star cast (Woody, Edward Norton, Julia Roberts, Natalie Portman, Alan Alda, Drew Barrymore, Goldie Hawn). Special kudos go to Natasha Lyonne. Long before she was a Hepatitis-C carrying, dog threatening bag lady, she was alluring beyond her years and a fantastic on-screen visage for Mr. Allen. [IFC, 2:15 p.m.]

Thursday: Heist
Released in the fall of 2001, Heist is one of those movies that got lost in the shuffle in the aftermath of 9/11. That's too bad. David Mamet's updated film noir is twisty, confusing and absolutely thrilling. It's like Ocean's 11 without any of the jokey charm. Plus, with the exception of Mr. Mamet's wife, the excruciatingly bad Rebecca Pidgeon, you could do a lot worse than watching Gene Hackman, Sam Rockwell, Delroy Lindo and Danny DeVito spout Mr. Mamet's exquisitely obtuse and foul-mouthed dialogue. [Thriller Max, 10:30 a.m.]

Friday: Casino Royale
With Quantum of Solace due in theaters next week, isn't it about time you revisited Casino Royale? The latest James Bond film takes place immediately following the events of this one, with Bond (Daniel Craig) trying to get the bad guys who killed his love, Vesper (Eva Green). Royale is too long by twenty-five minutes (something apparently rectified in the nearly forty minute shorter Quantum), but it remains the best Bond film since Goldfinger. [Woman Max, 7:30 a.m.]

Fact is, with the exception of How I Met Your Mother, Grey's Anatomy and the Jim/Pam storyline on The Office, television shows about people in their late 20s and early 30s are a lot less common than you might think. And after viewing the underage burlesque show that was this week's Gossip Girl, we can't say we're broken up at the prospect of 20-something actors playing actual 20-somethings (and not, you know, teenagers). So what if it's in the package of Melrose Place? It could be a good jumping off point for something really fun and, in its own ridiculous way, original.

At the very least, the existence of another Melrose Place probably won't make us question our own humanity. Well, as much. Sure the original series was Dynasty on steroids, but nowadays, Melrose Place would seem old-fashioned. Lest we forget, the 90s were a long time ago! And with the television landscape filled with rich and powerful excess, it would be exciting to see the lives of the regular, old working class spread out across an hour-long television series.

Of course all of this is contingent on who comes aboard as show runner, a position which obviously hasn't been filled as yet. We'd love to suggest Josh Schwartz (or a Josh Schwartz protégé like Stephanie Savage), but he's got enough going on. Hopefully The CW picks a new face to shepherd this show; a fresh set of eyes that can take Melrose Place and make it relevant for the 00s. And if they're looking for a star, might we suggest the new 90210's resident awesome teacher, Ryan Eggold. With increasingly less to do at West Beverly (since you haven't been watching, he's currently starting a relationship with an undercover narc pretending to be a high school student... yep, you read that right), he's certainly primed to change zip codes.

Also helping 90210's cause: the fact that the show has immediately ingratiated itself into the cultural zeitgeist, with nearly the same gusto that sister program Gossip Girl did last year. We're not even out of September and there have been countless stories and clips on the web and newsstands about the show, ranging from Luke Perry's non-return to the starlets weight issues.

Even better news than the pick-up however comes from Michael Ausiello over at Entertainment Weekly. He reports that Rebecca Kirshner is joining the program to lord over the writers' room as an executive producer. Ms. Kirshner previously worked with show-runners Jeff Judah and Gabe Sachs on Freaks and Geeks, but she's best known for her work on Gilmore Girls. To that we say: Thank God! Someone needs to know how to write dialogue on 90210, since thus far, the results have been worse than a low-grade episode of Degrassi.

Sadly though, no reports have surfaced about any acting coaches. Poor Tristan Wilds. He might have been great on The Wire, but his line readings on 90210 would make Ed Wood cringe.