Besties. (Getty Images)

1. Denial: According to Elle.com, Marina Abramovic is looking to make a film which explains to audiences, "'Who is James Franco?' and 'Why is he doing what he’s doing?'" Haha, that is a very good question!
... Wait, this is a joke, right? Wasn't he just involved in the documentary about HER? I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Or at least, really gauche. Very funny, you guys.

2. Anger: Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

"I think he’s the most interesting actor of the moment," (Abramovic) said. "Why? Because he takes risks and when you take risks, you can fail. But he takes failure and risk all with the same intensity. He could just be another Hollywood actor and that’s it—like everyone else. But he’s crossing all kinds of borders and not always with great success. For him, process is more important than the result."

So basically she's calling him a huge failure, whose only claim to fame is being brave enough to be a celebrity who is willing to fail at other stuff. And somehow that's a compelling subject??? This is bullshit.

3. Bargaining: I promise I will see Spring Breakers and Oz: The Great and Powerful if respected media publications stop writing fawning blow jobs talking about how his "hardest role is playing himself." I'll even throw in a guarantee to never write a meta-essay critiquing the critiques of Lena Dunham's role as a cultural icon if you promise me that this documentary goes the way of Franco's music career. Ill even try friends' suggestions of watching Freaks and Geeks over and over, Clockwork Orange-style, until I am forced to admit that he's a passable actor. Dear God, I'll even post those "Acting With James Franco" videos on Tumblr for a month.

I'll start following Dave Franco on Twitter. Anything!

4. Despair: Why me, God?? No one in my family has a Google Alert for James Franco's name. No one at his (too) many institutions of higher learning seem to care that he's making a mockery of their institution! No one in the art or literary world seems to care that both his technique and his statements are only impressive at an eighth grade comprehension level. Why must I be blighted with this curse of caring so profoundly about our culture's complacent attitude toward Franco? Why, God, why??

5. Acceptance: At least it can't be worse than Gay Town. Or Palo Alto. Actually, why wouldn't I want to see a chronicle of James Franco's failure's as a teacher/artist/writer/student/NASCAR grand marshal/ Academy Awards host/producer/Twitterer/blogger/party ruiner/soap opera guest star? Maybe they'll just stare at each other for two hours. That wouldn't be so bad.

"Hey girl."

Hey ladies. You know, on this very special Valentine's Day, you're not looking for a dozen roses or a bear holding a box of chocolate. You're not looking for hearts, or balloons, or even a book of homemade coupons offering "I O U = One (1) Free Massage During a Screening of Crazy, Stupid Love on Our DVD Player (Your Choice, Non-Transferable)."

No girl, what really gets your motor running (pun intended) is to have artist/actor/Grand Marshal for the Daytona 500 James Franco show you the collection for his latest installation exhibit in Berlin, "Gay Town."


"This one is based on how much I hate people only recognizing me for my work in Spider-Man."

"This one is about how mad I am that Kristen Stewart cheated on R-Patz whilst filming Snow White and the Huntsman."

According to the press release, Mr. Franco's work touches on "a variety of themes that are central to Franco's artistic practice, mainly issues related to adolescence, public and private persona, stereotypes and other societal concerns such as society's preoccupation with celebrity," and that they were conceived "in hotel rooms, makeshift studios and other temporary locations whilst completing other projects, mainly motion pictures." So basically, he's doodled a bit while in between his other projects, and now these doodles get to be considered their own project--as some sort of commentary on the "metacelebrity" moment that Franco finds so compelling as it relates to himself, and apparently "K-Stew."

ExtravaDanza!

If you love throwing money at vaguely worded, half-baked Internet "performance art projects" as much as you love Who's the Boss, do we have a Kickstarter for you! Meet Louis Crisitello Jr. and Hugo Ball, the creators of the $2,100 fund-raising campaign for something called "Danza Did It."

We'll let them explain:

Also, it will be a documentary podcast thing that has a liminal relationship to Tony Danza:

It is our ambition to conduct a series of revealing interviews with celebrities, politicians, artists, and everyday Americans who have been at the center of a media storm and have had their names plastered in headlines throughout the world. As avid fans of documentary film, we are originating the term “Documentary Podcasting.” We are observing the exploitation of wanted and unwanted celebrity.

Finally, visitors to our website will have opportunities to submit original content and compete in prize-winning contests.

So wait, is Danza Did It itself an example of the exploitation of wanted or unwanted celebrity? What kind of Danza-Jörmungandr are we looking at here? We might never know ... unless you cough up the other $1,864 in the next 12 days.

If you are reticent about parting with hard-earned money, Mr. Crisitello is offers up a transparent plan detailing how your contributions will support Danza Does It:

A portion of our funds will first go to pay for and fulfill our Kickstarter rewards. In addition, we need to purchase some quality audio equipment for our podcast as well as ancillary software and hardware. Lastly, we need to purchase select art supplies to bring some of our eccentric Tony Danza related ideas to fruition. Though we plan on finding followers via word of mouth, a small portion of funding will go towards our marketing efforts. Any additional or excess donations will be put to use for the planning and implementation of our Tony Danza-themed "ExtravaDanza Convention" that we hope to make a reality.

So what will some of these Kickstarter rewards look like? Well, for only $250, you can get a promise for tickets to a convention "when and if it happens," as well as a Photoshopped picture of you hanging out with the Danza. But that's not all!

We swear to God, if this turns out to a fund-raiser for Tony Danza's mayoral bid, we will consider pledging at least 10 dollars. We just hope Danza didn't do it first!

The former Bing executive had a busy evening. First, "a little party" at the Standard Hotel from 6:30-8:30. ("Most guests didn't show up," he remarked.) When the lights went out, everyone went home, but Mr. Hadley had work to do, taking crews out to survey the destruction, including that of artist Mark Seliger's Charles St. studio, which had its front completely obliterated by Hurricane Sandy.

Added Mr. Hadley:

"Since we have such a great team of scientists and meteorologists, we have a pretty good idea of what the storm is going to be like a week to ten days out. We can really start to gear up: What the coverage is going to be like, where to send the people, how to talk to the advertising partners. For a lot of them, this is really a part of their business...we've got insurance guys, Home Depot, Lowe's. So we're really setting the expectation for them, to make sure that we communicate out the safety thing, and have our people in the right places."

Meanwhile, Hurricane King Jim Cantore managed to make it out of Battery Park, and will be on Letterman tonight.

(Photos via Eric Hadley)

Gloria Vanderbilt and Anderson Cooper at 1stDibs gallery. (Patrick McMullan)

While Fashion Week was winding down at Lincoln Center Wednesday night, Diane von Furstenberg was sequestered on the 10th floor of a nondescript Lexington Avenue building. Across the giant storeroom of the mostly digital antique dealer 1stDibs, Patrick McMullan was snapping Bill Cunningham as he took a picture of a small watercolor on the wall. Nearby, Anderson Cooper hovered around his mother, who, in a stunning red kimono, greeted guests to her first solo art show since 2001.

While most people might associate Gloria Vanderbilt with her fashion prowess--her jeans commercials in the ’80s helped define a culture of denim, after all--she demurred at any questions about the fashion world that was teeming nearby. "My work involves all my time," she told The Observer, referring to her current exhibition, "The World of Gloria Vanderbilt: Collages, Dream Boxes, and Recent Paintings." With images that included a doll on a crucifix alongside bright, whimsical portraits of Angelina Jolie and Joyce Carol Oates, "The World" is open to the public starting today, and will be going till mid-October. Proceeds from donations will be going to the Huntsville Museum in Huntsville, Ala., where New York Magazine’s Wendy Goodman (also in attendance that evening) held a party for the release of her biography, The World of Gloria Vanderbilt.

"We wanted to do something nice for the Huntsville Museum in return for their warm hospitality," she said. "And what better way than suggesting the opening of my show be a benefit for the museum?" She also praised 1stDibs founder and president Michael Bruno for his attention to detail while organizing the event.

Mr. Bruno was equally deferential. "Gloria has always been very forward-thinking," he said of the 88-year-old heiress. "Ever since I went to her studios to see her paintings, I've been obsessed."

And he had put his money where his mouth was, purchasing one of Ms. Vanderbilt's paintings himself: a large, brightly colored piece called Tenacity that hung near the center of the room.

On the way out, The Observer ran into Joyce Carol Oates by the elevators. We inquired if the author had seen Ms. Vanderbilt's painting of her.

She shot back, "You mean there's only one?"

Zoe West. (via Animal New York)

Almost a year to the day after she was first arrested for participating in Andy Golub's nude painting stunt in Times Square, 5-foot-2 model Zoe West is finally getting paid by the city. Though it looks like she's been charging an hourly rate ... and has kept the meter running since she was first brought in.

Ms. West's lawyer Ron Kuby told The New York Postthat the petite beauty had settled out of court with the city for $15,000 for her false arrest late last August. (Technically, you cannot be arrested for public nudity if it's for performance purposes.)

"The beauty of New York City is a naked girl can win a nice suit," Mr. Kuby said, probably after thinking all night about how he was going to phrase it for the paper.

For her part, Ms. West is going to use the money and move to Manhattan to find a job. Hopefully she realizes that getting paid for performance art isn't something that happens every day here.

Kids draw the darndest interpretations of Mayor Bloomberg (NYT)

City Room had an adorable idea for a feature: Kids Draw the News, in which children submit artwork about current events. This could have been an overly precious concept. But from the beginning, it was clear that someone at The New York Times didn't get enough hugs as a child.

So the series started off by asking kids to draw
the New York Sports Club Brawl, in a two-part series!)

Then there was the swarm of bees, which we don't even remember happening.

Obviously, there needs to be a crayon drawing of adults punching slot machines. This is such relevant news that the article included a preamble explaining what gambling is and why people get mad at machines:

These are terrifying! Why are we putting New York's nightmare images into our children's heads? Is it because parents think that if their 4-year-old's drawing gets picked up by The New York Times, she gets moved to the top of Dalton's wait-list?

The most recent Kids Draw the News assignment isn't even news! It's just asking kids to draw pictures of beer gardens. We're assuming this is a plot by social services to pick up any child whose drawing is too spot-on. Park Slope mommies, watch out!

As Alan Moore once famously cribbed from Roman poet Juvenal: Who watches the watchmen? Today, SVA grad Skye Greenfield is papering the Lower East Side with Wanted posters for superheroes that go one step further, accusing our childhood heroes of the most heinous crimes imaginable.

"It started as a thesis project in college, when I would photograph the toys of a kid I was babysitting for," Ms. Greenfield told The Observer by phone after we called the number listed on an enigmatic poster exclaiming "Stop Superheroes Now!" after accusing Spider-Man of stalking Lois Lane.

"But the project never felt finished, and after I graduated, it just hit me. I was creating this fantasy world where superheroes are outlaws. We live in the world where we villainize and criminalize the people who are supposed to be our role models."

While not exactly a new concept--Christopher Nolan explored a similar theme in his Dark Knight reboots--Ms. Greenfield's choice of medium was interesting. Why paper the town with flyers? Was this still part of an ongoing art project?

The 22-year-old admitted that she was currently just collecting the stories of people who sent in tips to the email address she provided on the sheets.

"The best one was this high school student," she remembered. "He wrote this page-long story about all these horrible things he saw Superman do. They were ridiculous. He stole his grandmother's fake hip, and he stole a Ferris wheel with full of orphans, but he couldn't tell if the orphans were screaming or laughing. It was insane."

Though based in fantasy, Ms. Greenfield's work does have a message. "I want us to think about those bigger figures we look up to, and how we go along with whatever they tell us. From our parents to people on a podium, citizens believe whatever someone in a place of authority tells them."

Despite this credo, Ms. Greenfield claims her work isn't exceptionally political. "I just want people to join me in the quasi-fantasy world," she said, before adding, "But if someone said they wanted to put me in a gallery or make a book about me, I'd be all for it."

Click through to see the rest of the Stop Superheroes Now project.

David Duke and his dog, in happier times. (Photo: YouTube)

Former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke may hate the Jews, but he sure loved his dog, Torri. When the seventeen-year-old, all-white (naturally!) Maltese died a few months back, Mr. Duke did what any of us would do after the loss of a beloved pet--he filmed a nearly fifteen minute video tribute to the dog and uploaded it to YouTube complete with an emotional folk soundtrack, photos of Torri exploring the great outdoors and musings on the nature of life, death and grief.

Mr. Duke initially made his "Tribute to Torri" private, but he has since relaxed the clip's privacy settings at "the urging of those who met Torri over the last 17 years." We're so glad Mr. Duke chose to share his video, because it's all kinds of incredible. Despite how amazing this video it is, it somehow seems to have escaped the attention of the internet, so we present it to you now. 

"It's been two weeks since Torri died....It still hurts," Mr. Duke explains as the video begins. "Grief actually can be quite wonderful. It heals the soul and it's such a tribute to the spirit that has passed on....I want to express my heart while these feelings flood over me like warm waves. We all, once upon a time long ago, came from the water and the tears that fill our blurry eyes, even against our will, wash us and heal us."

According to Mr. Duke, Torri was an invaluable companion in his crusade against "Zionist-driven Globalism."

"The eternal struggle for our peoples' heritage and our freedom is so hard sometimes. There are so many difficulties on this high, rough road," said Mr. Duke. "Torri would sit by me the countless hours as I wrote books and articles. And it seemed she was always telling me, 'Keep doing your job, I'm doing mine staying by your side.'"

The small dog didn't simply help Mr. Duke by sitting near him. He also credits Torri with being a sounding board as he created his 1998 "masterpiece," My Awakening: A Path to Racial Understanding, in which he purports to provide "compelling evidence that belief in racial equality is the modern scientific equivalent of believing that the earth is flat."

"She truly helped me write my seven hundred page book My Awakening. She was there to listen to me read aloud what I had just written to make sure it had the rhythm and eloquence that I sought. And Torri always looked at me intently when I spoke to her," Mr. Duke said.

Though Torri clearly spent a great deal of time with Mr. Duke in front of a keyboard, she also traveled the globe with him. In his video, Mr. Duke claims he and the dog "explored ancient European ruins" and "climbed at least 500 mountains and hills" together.

"She even secretly made her way in her shoulder bag into places like the Sistine Chapel, and the Louvre and a number of places that her kind were banned," explained Mr. Duke.

Torri's portability was a key part of her appeal to Mr. Duke. In his video he said he chose to get a Maltese, a toy dog breed, because he needed an animal that was "small enough to easily go wherever I went." This apparently raised eyebrows with his friends as carrying a small, toy dog in a man-purse was incongruous with his image as a white nationalist firebrand.

"A few times my friends told me, 'How can you carry around that little, quote, 'fag' dog?' I told them that I was a man secure enough in my heterosexuality that I sure was not going to worry about what people might think," Mr. Duke said.

Indeed, Mr. Duke's life isn't all angry racist rhetoric. His love for animals is just one aspect of his softer side. Mr. Duke also moonlights in "PhotoArt," a discipline he seemingly created himself that involves taking pictures of landscapes and then  using a computer to add "artistic flourish in color, brightness, contrast, composition, line and form to make a truly beautiful photo-artwork that will captivate and inspire you." According to Mr. Duke's website, some of his "PhotoArt" has even "been quietly displayed in European showings and galleries under a nom de plume."

Apparently, in this internet-dominated age, the White Nationalist world, much like the rest of society, is being taken over by Instagram-style digitally-manipulated nature photos and cute animal videos.

Watch Mr. Duke's "Tribute to Torri" video below.

This dress made by artist Laura Ginn consists of 300 rat pelts, skinned by the artist herself. (Photo courtesy of Allegra LaViola Gallery)

After the rabid success of artist Laura Ginn's $100 five-course rat feast last week, which we bravely attended, gallery owner Allegra LaViola tells The Observer they will be offering an encore: free samples of rat meat to those who venture to the Lower East Side tomorrow from 6-8 PM. The simple "grilled rat sampler," prepared by chef Yuri Hart, will be open to the public.

The aforementioned dinner and this sampler are extensions of Ms. Ginn's photographic exhibit, "Tomorrow We Will Feast Again On What We Catch," which will be on view through August 4. The dress Ms. Ginn wore during last week's dinner, pictured at left, will also be on view. The Allegra LaViola Gallery is located at 179 East Broadway.