Lindsay Lohan and James Deen in The Canyons. (Facebook)

If there ever was a week for longreads, this would be it. After Elizabeth Wurtzel's 5,500-word essay published in New York about crazy landlords/Not Compromising on Life, The New York Times Magazine proved that it hadn't cornered the market on histrionics. Thus, an 11-page exposé about Lindsay Lohan and The Canyons, the Kickstarter-funded film written by Bret Easton Ellis and directed by Paul Schrader, co-starring porn heartthrob James Deen.

As you can imagine, the piece chronicles what a nice time everyone had on the short shoot—which took place over three weeks last July--with a lot of fond, funny anecdotes. Like the time Ms. Lohan took too many sleeping pills, locked herself in a closet, and refused to come out until Paul Schrader took off all his clothes? That one is great. The pitch-perfect tone was immediately reflected in its  blog-snark title, "Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie."

A fine choice, but a little unsubtle. We offer these 10 other titles that would have equally reflected the appeal of such a long, labor-intensive piece of journalism.

1. "Here Is What Happens When You Take All Your Meetings at Chateau Marmont"

2. "'Julia Roberts Is Late!': The Lindsay Lohan Story"

3. "Paul Schrader Takes It All Off"

4. "How Not to Make a Film"

5. "That Time Lindsay Lohan Called Everyone Else Unprofessional"

6. "I’ve got one assistant passed out at my house and the other one in the Palisades saying he wants to hang himself. Life’s great.”

7. "Do you know that iPhone app that makes explosions?”

8. "Grownups Crying"

9. "When Porn Is the Least Interesting Part of Your Film"

10. "American Psycho 3"

Don't get on Bret Easton Ellis' bad side ...

– Maybe? Hopefully? Last week, the American Psycho author went on Twitter to vent about Lindsay Lohan missing her ADR (basically, redubbing tracks when the audio was unintelligible) for their upcoming film, The Canyons. He threatened to sic Patrick Bateman on her, which could only end one way:


Meanwhile, BEE isn't answering our emails, and Lindsay hasn't been spotted all weekend. (Though that might be more about her dad calling in the LAPD for an intervention at her place in L.A. on Friday.)

– James Franco is "dating" Ashley Benson from Pretty Little Liars. We give it two weeks till he reveals that their relationship was just a performance art piece he was taping for an upcoming MoMA exhibit.

– Can someone explain to us how Ryan Lochte got a little huffy over Seth MacFarlane's impression of him on SNL, but then did a 30 Rock cameo of himself as a "sex idiot"?

– Joaquin Phoenix makes the best analogies ever. When Interview asked him how it feels to be on the awards circuit for his role in The Master, he responded:

It's a carrot, but it's the worst-tasting carrot I've ever tasted in my whole life. I don't want this carrot.

Bret Easton Ellis

Yesterday we commented on the announcement that the uber-popular sex novel Fifty Shades of Grey would not be adapted for the large screen by American Psycho’s Bret Easton Ellis. (Even though he really, really wanted to.) Instead, the job will go to Terra Nova scribe, Kelly Marcel, which pissed Mr. Ellis off to no end.

We reached out to the Nikki Finke-fighting auteur--whose film The Canyons just got a trailer--to have him elaborate on his booing of Ms. Marcel.

Mr. Ellis wrote to The Observer that he did not mean to diss Ms. Marcel, ("kudos to her for getting a much sought-after job plus she looks hot," he wrote), but that in choosing her, the Fifty Shades team--"which I think is basically E.L. James with DeLuca and Dana as figureheads," plus an unnamed director--has revealed themselves to be going with the "soft choice."

".What could have been a cool, adult adaptation is going to be a severely watered-down 'family' film which will do nothing to make the naysayers of the book see that there was something legitimately and cinematically interesting floating through that material. (Sorry haters--there is.)" Mr Ellis wrote, continuing:

"I hope I'm wrong. I hope Marcel rises to the occasion. There's just nothing in her credits that suggests she's the right fit. And if the filmmakers ever need anyone for a rewrite job, well, I'm not holding my breath since it now looks like they'd go to Nancy Meyers."

50 Shades of Feud

But after the news that TV scribe Kelly Marcel (Terra Nova) would be doing the 50 Shades of Grey script, Mr. Ellis went on a wee rampage against the upcoming film.

For her part, Ms. Marcel is taking the high road:

James Deen, over-sharer (TMZ)

James Deen may be a porn star, but he's still a babe in the woods when it comes to being a celebrity. After being accosted by a TMZ paparazzo outside Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last weekend, Mr. Deen--who just finished filming Bret Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader's The Canyons with the "super great" Lindsay Lohan--was more than happy to give the digital tabloid some amazingly doofy soundbites.

(This, despite the fact that his lawyer was present, and Mr. Deen seemed to be aware that he shouldn't be talking about the film.)

Let's look at the transcript, shall we? But a quick word to the wise: Don't be fooled by TMZ's headline ... Mr. Deen never mentioned that Ms. Lohan helped him climax.

TMZ: How did you like working with your co-star, Ms. Lohan?

James Deen: She's awesome. I have no official comment about her because I don't know what my contract ... what's my contract?" (Mr. Deen then turned and introduced his cameraman to his friend.) This is my attorney, so ...

TMZ: Your contract? I think it's called a non-disclosure agreement.

JD: I have some sort of like ...

Lawyer: (Prompting) She's absolutely wonderful ...

JD: No, she was, she was! But I don't have any official, like, things to say about the movie or working with her or anything like that. But working with her was awesome. She's super professional, super great. She's a fantastic actress, and it was really really awesome. I feel like I learned a lot from her. Like in those scenes that we did together, I feel like those were my stronger scenes, because working with a really good actress, or actor or anyone that ... I did a scene with Gus Van Sant, and it was another one that I feel like was very strong just because working with people that are really strong actors and very talented and stuff kind of like bring the best out of you. So it was very helpful to me as an amateur."
(And, scene.)

Someone should tell Mr. Deen what "non-disclosure agreement" means. Also, "professional." Also, "actress."

Perhaps this is just genius viral marketing, as we are now more pumped for this movie than ever. We (NSFW) hope it gets released!

Lindsay Lohan and James Deen (Facebook)

Previously, Mr. Ellis announced on Twitter that Ms. Lohan was attached to the film, but there was some dispute over whether or not she had signed her contract.

Here's the full release (no pun intended):

LINDSAY LOHAN STARRING IN PAUL SCHRADER THRILLER “THE CANYONS” WRITTEN BY BRET EASTON ELLIS

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (July 14, 2012) Iconic filmmaker Paul Schrader (American Gigolo, Auto-Focus; writer Taxi Driver, Raging Bull) is directing Lindsay Lohan in the forthcoming independent feature “The Canyons” from an original screenplay by acclaimed novelist and screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho, Less Than Zero). Lohan went from wrapping Liz and Dick into rehearsals and then shooting with her fellow cast. James Deen co-stars with actors Nolan Funk, Amanda Brooks and Tenille Houston. Esteemed director Gus Van Sant has also been cast and Brendan Canning (Half Nelson) of influential indyrock collective Broken Social Scene will score the film.

The Canyons is a contemporary L.A. noir about the dangers of sexual obsession and ambition, both personally and professionally, among a group of young people in their 20's and how one chance meeting connected to the past unravels all of their lives, resulting in deceit, paranoia, cruel mind games and ultimately violence.

Leading the independent charge is Braxton Pope (Shrink, The Take), formerly with a deal at Lionsgate, who is producing the feature. The film was brought together using new media methodology, financed partly by the crowdfunding platform kickstarter, where the filmmaking team raised over 150k for their endeavor and partly by Schrader, Ellis and Pope in an effort to retain creative autonomy. They also used the internet casting service letitcast and opened the acting search to professional and amateurs across the globe, as well as Schrader regularly updating his progress via the film’s official facebook page and the twitter accounts of Ellis and Pope. Additionally they also cast a role on social media platform Mobli, a leading social photo and video sharing site.

Said Ellis, "Dealing with the casting of The Canyons was a great, liberating process--for both the production team and for actors in general. We used letitcast and saw some amazing actors that we will definitely keep in mind for future projects. The way the entire cast came together so quickly was a thrill and everyone who landed their roles deserved them. Using social media as a way to help build a film is really like riding the wave into the future."

“Bret Easton Ellis' characters are beautiful people doing bad things in nice rooms,” said Schrader. “Lindsay Lohan and James Deen not only have the acting talent they also have that screen quality that keeps you watching their every move."

“Nothing about this film was orchestrated in a traditional way,” said Pope. “We wanted to actively embrace all the digital and social media tools at our disposal and give the film real cinematic value – ‘The Canyons’ is the result of a forward thinking experiment with a terrific cast.”

Lohan is represented by agent John Burnham of ICM, manager Evan Hainey of Untitled and attorney David Feldman of Bloom, Hergott Diemer Rosenthal LaViolette Feldman Schenkman & Goodman. Schrader is represented by agent Frank Wuliger of the Gersh Agency and manager Johnny Planco. Ellis is represented by attorney Barry Littman at Hansen, Jacobson, Teller, Hoberman, Newman, Warren, Richman, Rush & Kaller.

Besides being more of a PR shill for letitcast than the film itself, the whole press release seems a little strange. It's not every day you see the names of agents listed along with the director, writer, and main star--even weirder that at this point, Mr. Deen is not famous enough to warrant his own agency listing-- but we assume that's so press people like us can update our listings on who in Hollywood is currently risking their rep by backing Lindsay Lohan, whose insurance premium per film must be through the roof.

The result of the American Psycho author embracing the platform has him seeing a new phase of glory for his far-too-entertaining feed, where he's written treatments for an American Psycho sequel and given out helpful (and hilarious) ways for the world to further embrace 50 Shades of Grey, including open casting suggestions to actors on Twitter. And then there was that whole thing about the threesome with Rielle Hunter.

Today, Mr. Ellis had a particularly wonderful tidbit for his followers: A claim concerning Deadline Hollywood Daily Editor in Chief and business journalist Nikki Finke, who's widely known as one of the more vindictive, unforgiving, relatively feared and fairlyshadowy trade reporters Hollywood's ever seen (context: also, someone who once famously claimed to have "bitchslapped" New Yorker editor David Remnick over the process of trying to publish a profile of her).

Though Mr. Ellis would dare to argue otherwise:

What spurned Bret's issues with Ms. Finke? Five minutes later, he Tweeted:

ICM: International Creative Management, the monolithic agency whose Amanda "Binky" Urban has been Ellis' longtime book agent (who also made a brief appearance as part of the plot of Ellis' novel Lunar Park). And from what The Observer hears, Mr. Ellis' claim that Ms. Finke rang up ICM (and basically threatened to wring them dry) is true.

A few folks who got word of what happened tell us: Ms. Finke rang Binky Urban's office, and not being able to reach the agent, gave her assistant what was characterized to us as an epic, otherworldly screaming-at, the likes of which the assistant had never previously experienced. What we didn't hear was: Why?

UPDATE: One reader writes in with the theory that a Tweet in June from Mr. Ellis may have inspired the call to Binky Urban's office:

It'd certainly make sense. As we noted above, Ms. Finke is notoriously private: Gawker once offered a $1,000 bounty for a photograph of her, while The Daily once published what they allege to be a photo of Ms. Finke, which she adamantly denied.

UPDATE 2: Gawker's John Cook saw that Penske Media (under which Deadline Hollywood Daily operates) is listed as the owner of an apartment in Bret Easton Ellis' building. Neat! No word on whether or not it belongs to Finke in any way or if she happens to occupy it, but Cook points out that the Hollywood Reporter once tried to poach Finke with an offer that included an apartment in Malibu. Was it Cook's query to Finke as to whether or not she lived in the apartment that alerted her to the Tweets, resulting in the enraged call in the first place? Who knows!

Ms. Urban and her assistant declined to comment; Mr. Ellis (who hasn't Tweeted anything about the fracas since) and Ms. Finke did not immediately return requests for comment.

Do you know if this is the beef between the two? Any specifics about what Ms. Finke screamed at Ms. Urban's (vacation-deserving) assistant? We'd love to hear it.

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

The perfect couple

James Deen is the best. We couldn't be more excited for the male version of Sasha Grey to become a mainstream sensation, especially if he keeps up the hardcore porn and amazing blog entries.

But we're a little worried that Mr. Deen has been spending time with the wrong influences ever since Bret Easton Ellis announced the cast of The Canyons...

All these rumors of Lindsay Lohan and James Deen as a couple are obviously false, because if they had had sex yet, it would be online already. Still, we can't help but wonder how lonely James Deen has to be in order to spend the 4th of July with his co-star. Especially since this was his tweet from earlier in the day:

So many questions! What was in that truck? What kind of gourmet dish could Ms. Lohan have brought to make up for being the least friend? Not a lesser friend. The least friend.

The only way we can find out the real nature of these two's relationship is to audition to be extras in The Canyons. Who here is comfortable with nudity? It's easier than unicycling, we promise.

Linday Lohan and James Deen in 'The Canyons'

Bret Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader's super white-hot project (via Kickstarter) The Canyons has already hit its first casting snag. Despite announcing Lindsay Lohan and approachable porn star James Deen as the movie's stars earlier this week, the car-crashing actress apparently hasn't signed her contract yet.

Which may be an issue, since someone on her team has been coaching the Herbie: Fully Loaded star how to read scripts.

According to a source leak at RadarOnline.com:

“Lindsay and her team are concerned about the nudity that is involved. Lindsay would be required to do full frontal nudity, and the sex scenes are very, very graphic.”

Ms. Lohan will be playing Tara, the girlfriend of "power player and major manipulator" Christian (50 Shades of Grey, much?), who will be portrayed by Mr. Deen. The source went on to tell Radar:

“Yes, Lindsay has posed nude for Playboy, but doing it in a movie is completely different. Lindsay needs to make sure that she is comfortable with it, and that this is something she can handle as an artist.”

Apparently this Hollywood insider has never seen I Know Who Killed Me.