You will no longer be needing these. (GOOP)

Guys, have you wondered what sort of cleanse Gwyneth Paltrow is endorsing for the new year? Is it Diet Detox? Her patented Colon Cleanse? The Clean Program?

In 2013's first big shock, Ms. Paltrow revealed in a surprisingly curt GOOP newsletter that this January's cleanse will be ... no cleanse at all! WHAT?

Happy 2013! I am not on a detox. I am not on a diet. I know, New Year’s cleansing and all that. Not this year. Can't do it. Maybe later in the year. Maybe in the spring. So for now, I would like to continue with my pasta and cheese, but perhaps be more mindful of ingredients. I asked my friend Dr. Frank Lipman about his list of superfoods so that I could incorporate them into my diet a bit more. If you are going to eat pasta, why not serve it with a walnut pesto (walnuts are on his list)? You get my point. We had great fun in the goop test kitchen coming up with these ways to incorporate these miraculous foods into very tasty recipes. We hope you enjoy.

Love,
gp

P.S. New Year's holiday snaps from Sugar Beach below.

That's right folks, Gwyneth Paltrow is NOT ON A CLEANSE, and we can all eat pasta again. Hooray!

A re-creation of what didn't happen to Justin Bieber. (Getty)

During a recent gig at Madison Square Garden, Justin Bieber was not, we repeat, was NOT, strangled to death with a paisley tie and then castrated in a plan hatched by a convicted child rapist and murderer serving time in a New Mexico prison. Once again: this did not happen.

But it almost did.

The strange story begins with Dana Martin, a 45-year-old with a Justin Bieber tattoo on his calf, who is serving out a life sentence in Las Cruces for the rape and murder of a 15-year-old Vermont girl in 2000. Mr. Martin met parolee-to-be Mark Staake in prison, and hatched a plan to have Mr. Staake and his nephew Tanner Ruane prune Mr. Bieber of his plums during his November 28 concert at Madison Square Garden. Each testis was worth $2,500, according to The New York Post, which, most tween fans well tell you, is quite a low-ball number (woof) for such pricey family jewels.

The other element of this totally fail-proof plan was Mr. Staake and Mr. Ruane strangling Mr. Bieber to death with a paisley tie. Yes, it had to be paisley. No, the color didn't matter. It just had to be paisley.

Luckily, when the bumbling duo were picked up separately by the authorities, their plan was easily traced back to Mr. Martin, as he had strangled his last victim with a paisley tie.

For now, Mr. Bieber's balls remain safe. And probably insured for much more than $2,500, though lord knows some people *cough*ScooterBraun*cough* would probably be happy to have Mr. Bieber remain a prepubescent castrato for the rest of his life.

- MTV is going to hold a live fundraiser for the Jersey shore. It's about time they paid back to the community they took so, so much from.

- Jon Hamm's penis is an Obama supporter, naturally.

- Here are the two main characters of your favorite TV show of all time, telling babies to get out and vote.
http://youtu.be/QJpv_1YkFLs

-Here are photos of all the celebrities voting on Election Day. ALL of them. Thanks, Huffington Post!

Johnny Lewis. (Getty Images)

Johnny Lewis, a 28-year-old actor known for his role as Kip "Half Sack" Epps on FX's Sons of Anarchy, has died. Los Angeles authorities tell TMZ that Mr. Lewis is also their only suspect in the murder of 81-year-old Catherine Davis, from whom the actor rented a room.

TMZ reports on the awful scene discovered after cops arrived at Ms. Davis's Los Feliz home:

According to our law enforcement sources, 28-year-old Lewis was found in a driveway Wednesday morning in the Los Feliz neighborhood -- and the elderly woman who owned the home was found dead inside ... the victim of a homicide. Investigators say they believe Lewis beat the woman to death.

Mr. Lewis, who once dated pop star Katy Perry and also starred in films such as AVPR: Aliens vs Predator--Requiem and The Runaways, also allegedly attacked two men at the scene with his bare hands and a 2X4. TMZ reports the actor seemed "phenomenally strong" and may have been on PCP or meth at the time of his death.

The Los Angeles Times reported that Catherine Davis was indeed bludgeoned to death.

It isn't clear whether Johnny Lewis died while trying to flee the scene or committed suicide.

Madonna, doing what she does best: rabble-rousing.(YouTube)

This is how Madonna endorses political candidates: by playing on a widely-held falsehood about his religious upbringing. During her second night in D.C. on her already controversial MDNA tour--what with all the pub(l)ic nudity and swastikas superimposed over heads of state--she encouraged voters to support Barack Obama, "the black Muslim in the White House" who's "fighting for gay rights." Then she said "You all better vote for f---ing Obama, okay," before promising to take her clothes off if he wins.

This will definitely play well in the red states.

(Quote start at 1:50)
http://youtu.be/i7R78LOpyM8

With celebrity endorsements like hers, who needs invisible chairs?

Russell Simmons, Leila Lopes. (PMc)

Though Uncle Rush has been playing coy with the rumors that he's dating the 26-year-old Angolan former Miss Universe, last night the couple showed up at the Waldorf-Astoria, all but confirming their romantic status's upgrade from "It's Complicated."

Leila Lopes, who had to give up her crown in June to her successor, was holding hands with Russell Simmons as they made the way down the red carpet for the South-South Awards celebrating e-government and sustainable tourism.

The night brought presidents and first ladies from around the world (who admittedly were probably there for this week's U.N. summit, but what the hey, if it worked for Bill Clinton's CGI, why not this?), though no one drew more looks than the gorgeous Ms. Lopes, who won an award for her work as the UNCCD Drylands Ambassador.

Though the two have been out in public before looking chummy, and they have the Twitter history to prove that they, like, like-like each other, it was the hand-holding that did it for us. After all, when was the last time a guy you were just casually dating let you hold his hand in public? Now imagine that scenario, plus a thousand paparazzi, and you've got a pretty smitten mogul.

Lindsay Lohan, American disaster.

Today the NYPD released surveillance footage of the Wednesday-night incident that left actress Lindsay Lohan accused of striking a pedestrian then leaving the scene. The video may be more useful in defending Ms. Lohan than prosecuting her. It shows a typical late-night street scene, several people milling around a parking area entrance. Ms. Lohan's vehicle noses through then leaves the frame and no one seems alarmed or concerned. Take a look:

WABC reports that the cops may know the video won't help the case:

Detectives acknowledged that the video does not clearly show Lohan's Porsche hitting 34-year-old Jose Rodriguez. Investigators say the video does show Rodriguez running after Lohan's vehicle as she drove away from the Dream Hotel.

While police seem certain alcohol wasn't involved in the incident, Mr. Rodriguez has insisted otherwise, claiming Ms. Lohan was slurring words and smelled of alcohol.

Ms. Lohan could face more trouble in California if she did indeed strike Mr. Rodriguez and leave the scene. She is still on probation for jewelry theft.

Lady Gaga's maternity wear (Getty Images)

— The Church of Scientology has written a strongly-worded letter to Vanity Fair about Maureen Orth's cover story on Tom Cruise and the woman auditioned to be his girlfriend, Nazanin Boniadi. It's eight pages long. In it, the church threatens, "If Vanity Fair goes forward with publication of such defamatory allegations, now that it is on notice that the story is false, the stain on its reputation will last long after any reader even remembers the article. The sting of the jury verdict will last longer still; far longer than any pleasure from racing to publish a poorly researched and sourced story."

— Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively is eating more food than she normally eats, and you know what that means ... healthier body images for women on television! Just kidding. The only explanation is that she's hiding a secret pregnancy with a shotgun wedding to Ryan Reynolds.

— Lady Gaga is also pregnant, according to reliable source Kelly Osbourne. She's going off the fact that Gaga stopped bleaching her hair and wore a burka to Fashion Week, but she totally forgot the fact that the singer smoked weed on stage in Amsterdam Tuesday. Lady Gaga says she's just fat.

— Fiona Apple is in jail in Sierra Blanca, Texas, for having hash on her tour bus.

— Amanda Bynes continues to go toe-to-toe with Lindsay Lohan for the title of world's biggest train wreck. She also happens to be the most histrionic train wreck, believing that Ms. Lohan's recent car crash was "karma" for the Mean Girl’s mean tweet about her.

Lindsay Lohan (Getty Images)

We know everyone will be deeply shocked to learn this morning that actress and Worst Case Scenario of the Decade Lindsay Lohan has been arrested in Manhattan after police say she struck a pedestrian while parking her vehicle, then left the scene. TMZ, that Grim Reaper of celebrity gossip websites, tells us what happened after Ms. Lohan allegedly struck the 30-year-old male around 2 a.m. ET:

We're told one of Lindsay's passengers in the SUV got out and checked the vehicle for damage, and then LiLo and co. went inside the hotel.

We're told someone called police while Lindsay was inside ... and when she walked out of the hotel -- around 2:30AM ET -- officers arrested her.

TMZ goes on to report that Ms. Lohan was booked on misdemeanor charges of leaving the scene of an accident and released on her own recognizance.

The pedestrian was hospitalized. Police apparently say alcohol played no part in the incident.

TMZ speculates that this incident may end up causing the actress new troubles in California, where she is on probation for jewelry theft.

Stephen Colbert hangs with New York Cardinal Timothy Nolan (PatrickMcMullan)

- The Amazing Spider-Man's Andrew Garfield and girlfriend Emma Stone managed to turn an invasion on their privacy into a mitzvah when they used a weekend paparazzo swarm to show off handmade cardboard signs for the Worldwide Orphans Foundation and Gilda’s Club of New York City. Hopefully they weren't arrested as OWS protestors.

- Suri Cruise finished her very first week at Avenues, the new private school in NYC. Though "private" is a relative term when there are people waiting in the bushes to take photos of you during snack time.

- Nicki Minaj joined Keith Urban as an American Idol judge, spending her first days on the job fighting with Mariah Carey and beginning New York auditions. That's got to be worth $12 million, right?

- Stephen Colbert joined New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan onstage at Fordham University on Friday, telling the Jesuit school students that despite the flaws in the Roman Catholic hierarchy, he loved his Church, "warts and all." No, he wasn't in character. Stop being so cynical.

- Seth MacFarlane kicked off a "meh" premiere of Saturday Night Live, but maybe that's because his face just looks so damn punchable. The night's best sketch didn't involve the guest star at all, with an Obama-sponsored political ad.