Look, there’s always something to complain about: the ever-present underlying fear, the fact that we’ve never been hit on while riding the first car of the F train, the ridiculous rents, rumors of another MetroCard

hike, the unfairness of alternate-side parking, Lenny Kravitz … but seriously? Is there anything more satisfying than October in New York City? Enjoy the lightweight jackets and refreshingly fresh air while you can, because we’re only seconds away from quilted coats and ugly hats and frozen liquid on the sidewalk, O.K.? Now, what’s with the French? If you happen to notice some jokers bicycling red pedicabs around the city today while wearing navy striped shirts and berets, do not be alarmed: It’s the brainchild of some genius in the marketing department at Red Bicyclette, a new French wine. “We’re trying to make French wine a little bit friendlier,” said the very friendly publicity rep, Karen Kearns, who told us that there will be 26 red pedicabs on the street today and tomorrow, offering free rides and complimentary baguettes. (We’re not kidding!) “They won’t be giving out any wine, though,” cautioned Ms. Kearns. Sacré bleu! Moving on, who knows the difference between a gala and a benefit? We surely can’t figure it out, but the chance to raise money for art while wearing pretty clothes happens simultaneously at two different locations tonight. First up is the Ninth Annual National Arts Awards black-tie gala at Cipriani 42nd Street; the very fancy-looking invite boasts a lot of important names on it, such as chair and publishing heiress Veronica Hearst, honorary chair Caroline Kennedy and committee members Hillary Rodham Clinton and Arthur (Pinch) Sulzberger Jr. (as well as junior committee co-chairs Chelsea Clinton, Emilia Fanjul and fun-name-to-say Fabiola Beracasa), and promises an evening of awards that “recognize those artists and arts supporters who exhibit exemplary national leadership and whose work demonstrates extraordinary artistic achievement.” And don’t forget: If Hillary is in Manhattan, it means the Chappaqua chateau is rockin’! Further downtown, a smaller artistic nonprofit, White Box (whose mission is “to show diverse contemporary art in the context of socially relevant issues and to present images and ideas that matter to the larger audiences”), is holding a live benefit auction at wrap-queen Diane Von Furstenberg’s studio. “We raise about half of our yearly budget at this event,” said Esa Nickle, White Box’s assistant director. “We really need people to come out and support us.” Rumored to show is everyone’s favorite TV mobster, Joey (Pants) Pantoliano. Also be on your toes for some reedy, flinty-voiced smokers to attack lower Manhattan: It’s time for the annual CMJ Music Marathon, where indie-rock bands from all over the place hang tough on the Lower East Side, try to sober up for “networking,” get Spence students to sleep with them and play the back room of Pianos. See you out there, fellas!

Americans for the Arts Ninth Annual National Arts Awards Gala, Cipriani 42nd Street, 110 East 42nd Street, 7:30 p.m., 202-371-2830, ext. 106; White Box Annual Live Benefit Auction, Diane Von Furstenberg Studio, 389 West 12th Street, 6:30 to 9:30 p.m., www.whiteboxny.org.]

Thursday 14th

If you’re a MetroNorth rider, keep an eye out for some of the city’s glitteriest hiding out behind their copy of the Post while traveling to tony Greenwich for “ Building the Future: A Gala Evening for the Westport Country Playhouse.” The lovely Joanne Woodward, of The Three Faces of Eve and Mrs. Paul Newman fame, is the artistic director of the playhouse and is no doubt responsible for luring much of the star power out to the burbs. Expect to see: Paul Newman and Robert Redford, rumored to be reuniting for a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid tribute, smoothie Harry Connick Jr. in the orchestra pit, Brian Williams running the show (while constantly plotting to take over the world after he knocks off Tom Brokaw) and a variety of other celebrities desperate, no doubt, to get close to the Newmans—who doesn’t love those guys? The auction will feature items like an apprenticeship with Miramax honcho Harvey Weinstein (umm, do they know what they’re getting into here?) plus fancy Riviera

trips and a Harry Winston necklace. Crash strategy: don’t try to act like pals with Mr. Newman; he’s a movie star and you’re not.

“Building the Future: A Gala Evening,” Hyatt Regency, Greenwich, Conn., 6:30 p.m., www.westportplayhouse.org.]

Friday 15th

You’re roasted! Donald Trump, a man you can’t avoid , will be the 82nd person given the roasting treatment by the New York Friars Club. Lovable crank Regis Philbin will be roastmaster and leader of the usual mixed bag of comedians and guests, including NBC big cheese Jeff Zucker (mysteriously enough, CBS’s Les “Less Is More” Moonves backed out at the last moment, citing a last-minute obligation in L.A.), actor and Upper West Side lurker Richard Belzer, funnyman Richard Klein and the always amusing, always under investigation Reverend Al Sharpton. “This might be the biggest roast in our history,” said Friars president Freddie Roman. “We’re completely sold out.” We were waiting for the punch line, but alas. Mr. Roman was quick to point out that Mr. Trump is a “good sport” and that, “after the first three or four speakers, the hair jokes will have been done to death. Besides, with Trump there are just so many other areas to go.” Well, our money says that if Jeffrey Ross is one of the roasters, he’ll bring Mr. Trump to a boil …. Over at Madison Square Garden, Céline Dion (Canadian) takes the stage for a special “One Night with Lite” concert sponsored by—who else?—106.7 Lite FM (the radio station you pretend not to sing along to when “Tiny Dancer” comes on). Apparently, the Vegas casino that’s had Ms. Dion locked up for the past three years is setting her free for a onetime engagement, and she’ll be joined onstage by earnest songster Josh Groban and Five for Fighting’s John Ondrasik. Our big-cheese editor is griping that Ms. Dion is “stealing Barbra’s thunder …. ”

Donald Trump Friars Club Roast, Hilton Hotel, 1335 Avenue of the Americas, noon, by invitation only; Céline Dion, Madison Square Garden, Seventh Avenue at 32 Street, 8 p.m., 800-222-1067, www.1067litefm.com.]

Saturday 16th

Polite society : Are your little ones keeping their elbows on the table during mealtime or, even worse, using their cell phones to text-message at dinner? Judith Ré , of the Ré Acadamie, an establishment that she started 18 years ago, will be at the Ritz-Carlton in Battery Park today for a lesson in the fine art of manners. “The class is really based on respect,” said Ms. Ré (the students call her “Miss Judith”), speaking on her cell phone en route to her home in Fairfield, Conn. “It’s not all white gloves and crossing your ankles; it’s about feeling confident and comfortable in any situation.” The four-and-a-half-hour class, for children ranging in age from 8 to 13, will cover proper introductions, handshakes and telephone etiquette and will conclude with each student writing a thank-you note. Just think where Paris Hilton could be today if she’d had a little bit of training! (Remember how she interrupted her swampy sex romp with that vile fellow on her porno video to answer her cell phone? That was bad heiress etiquette!) Meanwhile, if you believe that the art students of today are the art-world stars of tomorrow (and if you do, well, we don’t know what to say), check out the first annual (question for everyone: If it’s the ‘first,’ then how can it be an ‘annual’?) Pratt/Brooklyn Art Fair . Held on Hall Street between DeKalb and Willoughby (a street you wouldn’t ever really want to be on unless there happened to be an art fair), the fair will feature the work of Pratt students and Brooklyn artisans, on display and for sale, including ceramics, photography and handmade paper ( hmmmm) .

Social Savvy with Judith Ré, the Ritz-Carlton New York, 2 West Street, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. or 2:30 to 6:30 p.m., 917-790-2571; Pratt/Brooklyn Art Fair, Hall Street between DeKalb and Willoughby avenues, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. (get out before it gets dark!), www.pratt.edu/artfair.]

Sunday 17th

Kabbalah … the new Scientology! Tie a piece of red string around your wrist and find out what all the hype is about at the Kabbalah Centre Open House today, where there will be free lectures and reduced prices on registration. We used our library card and found out that Kabbalah is considered to “be the key that unlocks all the mysteries of life, the secret code that governs the universe,” which sounded great to us! However, our reference source went on to say that “it’s an incredible system of logic and a precise technology that will completely change the way you view your life.” That sounds a little too much like math, people …. Further downtown, we have a case of serious typecasting: John Cameron Mitchell, of lanky Hedwig and the Angry Inch fame, will portray First Lady Laura Bush at a one-night-only benefit reading of the new play from playwright Tony Kushner, entitled Only We Who Guard the Mystery Shall Be Unhappy. “I haven’t really done any acting since Hedwig, nor have I wanted to, but I read the script and I was fully blown away,” said Mr. Mitchell. “Only Tony Kushner’s words could drag me back to acting.” Joining him onstage is everyone’s favorite character actress, Patricia Clarkson, plus Kirsten Johnson (she’s very, very tall). An after-party will follow at Luke and Leroy, where Mr. Mitchell will D.J. What can’t he do? Downtown for Democracy (natch) sponsors.

Kabbalah Centre Open House, 155 East 48th Street, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., 212-644-0025; Tony Kushner’s Only We Who Guard the Mystery Shall Be Unhappy , the Great Hall at Cooper Union, 7 East Seventh Street, 7 p.m., www.downtownfordemocracy.org.]

Monday 18th

All the Real Girls …. Tonight, the Lower Eastside Girls Club —devoted to providing a place for girls and young women ages 8 to 25 to “grow, learn, have fun, and develop confidence” ( Bill Clinton watch in effect)—holds its seventh annual benefit gala (a benefit and a gala? That sound you hear is our head exploding!) at neighborhood favorite Capitale Restaurant and Ballroom on Bowery. The ultra-luscious Rosario Dawson is the M.C. for the evening as well as a devoted spokeswoman for the organization. “She grew up in this neighborhood,” explained development director Adriana Pezzulli. “She’s here all the time. She’s incredibly grounded and dedicated to the center.” Other guests in the nearly 700 people expected to attend are pregnant-girlfriend-leaving Billy Crudup, another hot—maybe the hottest—East Sider, Drea de Matteo, and a teetering trifecta of ubiquitousness: Charlotte Ronson, Amy Sacco and Chloë Sevigny. The dress code calls for “Hi-Lo Couture,” which pisses us off, frankly. Ms. Sevigny will lead the way in a tiara and leg warmers.

Seventh Annual Lower Eastside Girls Club Benefit Gala, Capitale Restaurant and Ballroom, 130 Bowery at Grand Street, 7 to 11 p.m., www.girlsclub.org.]

Tuesday 19th

Not satisfied with being just a restaurant owner , neighborhood rejuvenator, film-festival creator and living legend of acting, Robert De Niro (along with his partners, Jane Rosenthal and Craig Hatkoff ) presents the first Tribeca Theater Festival . The two-week shindig hopes to celebrate theater by “supporting new voices and new work while furthering the organizers’ mission for the economic and cultural revitalization of Lower Manhattan.” Swell! Tonight’s activities kick off with The Downtown Plays , five-minute-long original shorts by leading disturbed playwrights such as Kenneth Lonergan, Paul Rudnick and Neil LaBute . Also downtown (but much more hoity-toity) is the cocktail party given by the Duchess of Marlborough in the blood-and-offal-stained meatpacking district in honor of the Duchess’s first New York exhibit of her paintings. Rumored to attend: a moist clutch of de la Rentas, Trumps, Hearsts, etc. Required to attend: Duke “Sunny” of Marlborough and Lord Edward and Lady Alexandra Spencer-Churchill (read: husband and kids). Crash strategy: pogo stick. If you’re hungry, try crashing the cocktail party on Park Avenue for the celebration of the Les Halles cookbook instead. The invite reads that the party will go on “till the cows come home.” It’s a steak place … cows, be warned. Moo.

The Downtown Plays , Tribeca Theater Festival, Michael Schimmel Center for the Arts at Pace University, 1 Place Plaza, 8 p.m., www.tribecatheaterfestival.com; Duchess of Marlborough cocktail party, Lars Bolander, 72 Gansevoort Street, 6:30 p.m. to 9 p.m., by invitation only; Les Halles cookbook party, Les Halles, 411 Park Avenue South, by invitation only.]

Wednesday 20th

On America’s Next Top Model …. Can there be anything better than a makeover episode? Thankfully, the nameless busload of blondes is getting whittled down, and we’re beginning to know who we hate and who we really, really hate. And can we say congratulations to our favorite show, which has clearly gotten a bigger budget (what struggling model stays at the Waldorf, we ask you, except the ones who shoot ping-pong balls?) … Anyway, we’re totally rooting for Yaya!

America’s Next Top Model , UPN, 8 p.m.]

Comedians talk about their first time and their worst time (which was one and the same for us) … and take turns signing How to Do It Standing Up , a collection of stories by comics published by the Friars Club. On hand for a panel discussion will be Curb Your Enthusiasm 's Susie Essman , who plays the potty-mouthed wife of newly-Golden-Globed Larry Kramer's pal Jeff, and Pat Cooper , who plays himself. ( Carrot Top had a conflict?) Meanwhile, in midtown, the Village People, the B-52's, Patti LaBelle and Montel Williams walk into a bar and …. No, this is not the beginning of a joke : They're hustling on over to the China Club, where, in some wise counterprogramming to the police tape of Diana Ross wobbling after being busted for drunk driving, they honor the pop diva with a big basheroo. The concert will feature the disco group Chic and others performing the songstress' greatest hits. Chic member Nile Rodgers picked up the phone and rang our bell. "Montel is going to sing!" he said giddily. "Not many people know he can sing. He's incredible!" He then told us what made him write the Chic hit, " Freak Out ": "Bernard Edwards and I wrote that song one night when we were supposed to go to Studio 54. We couldn't get in, because we weren't big enough stars at that point. There we were, in our Giorgio Armani suits on New Year's Eve, and they wouldn't let us in. So we went home, and one of us cued up a riff and, for fun, we started singing 'Aaaahhhh, f*ck off!' over and over, and Bernard looked at me and said, 'You know this is happenin' , right?' We knew they wouldn't play it on mainstream radio, so we changed it to 'Freak Off,' which just sounded corny, so it evolved into 'Freak Out.'"

[ How to Do It Standing Up book-signing, Barnes & Noble, 66th Street at Broadway, 7 p.m.; We Are Family Foundation benefit and after-party, China Club, 268 West 47th Street, 7 p.m., 397-4333.]

Thursday 30th

Poets guzzle Moët: British poetry evangelist Daisy ("I'm not the new Nigella") Goodwin clinks flutes on the Upper East Side to celebrate her latest anthology, 101 Poems That Could Save Your Life . Ms. Goodwin called us from a "telestudio" in London where actors are re-enacting poems from the book into mini-dramas for the BBC. "Poetry is sexy, but people's idea of it isn't sexy," she lamented, erotically. "They think it's All-Bran, but it's not All-Bran. It's caviar- chocolate and caviar." Tonight's cocktail reception is hosted by Ed and Nadia Sopher, whom Ms. Goodwin knew "while at university" (Cambridge). "There are poems for everyone: people on diets, people whose pets have died, people who've failed their driving tests. I failed my test 13 times in England! I passed it in the States, though. In the States, it was a breeze ." Yikes ! Does she have a favorite? "There's a very funny two-line poem called 'Money Talks,' which says: 'Money talks I can't deny. / I heard it once, it said 'goodbye'! The story of my life ." We hear that.

[ 101 Poems That Could Save Your Life , the Sopher residence, somewhere on the Upper East Side, 6:30 p.m., 207-7468.]

Friday 31st

E- NOUGH with the cold already! And the static electricity! Every time we touch our doorknob, it's like being sent to the chair. This weekend, 40-plus magazine editors get a break from the tundra when Coty Beauty bribes-excuse us, flies -them to Las Vegas for the unveiling of Celine Dion's new fragrance ( note to Ms. Dion and other Canadians : We're sensing that Ms. Dion is, err, a bit overexposed these days, as witnessed by the universal groans which greeted her profoundly annoying TV ads for Chrysler during the Golden Globes. So you might want to chill for a while, toots .) Meanwhile we hole up in our warm apartments with HBO-on-demand, avoiding doorknobs like Ben Affleck avoids good scripts. While we can't wear enough layers, they're peeling 'em off downtown at the ManhattanVintage Clothing Show . Don't miss the exhibitionof corsetsby "Corset King" Dean Sonnenberg of the Corsetiere Studio. According to sources, these are "the originals that inspired Madonna's 'virgin/harlot' look." Does Celine Dion know about this?

[Celine Dion fragrance unveiling,

398-7618, by invitation only; Manhattan Vintage Clothing Show, Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 West 18th Street between Sixth and Seventh avenues, 1 p.m.,

518-434-4312.]

Saturday 1st

Now that the Upright Citizens Brigade, the city's top improv troupe, has been bounced from their Chelsea theater, is there anything worth laughing at? Maybe tonight at the Big Apple Improv Festival, where some of New York's top improvisers square off in comedic combat-kind of like the rap "battles" in 8 Mile (minus the race issue and Oscar buzz -a buzz which reduced to a hum in the face of Chicago .) We caught up with Rob Webber of the comedy troupe Johnny Lunchpail, who told us he also has "a real job in a real office in a private-equity firm." Worst part of improv? "The worst is when we ask the crowd for a suggestion, and someone screams out, 'Go home!'" Favorite part? "When you get to be inanimate objects -those are my favorite. Like if you're a refrigerator, and you get to make your face light up whenever the door opens. I mean, what's it like to be a fridge?" Ask Lara Flynn Boyle … me- OW!! Speaking of psycho ballerina outfits, in our opinion, dating is a lot like shopping at H&M: You absolutely dread going. You have to get in there early, before all the good stuff is taken. It's completely draining and yet you always go back, because the potential for finding something great is too overwhelming not to. Today, the Learning Annex gets hopped up on "Coffee Dating: Connecting Through Circulating and Percolating," finally proving, perhaps, the widely held suspicion that New Yorkers prefer drinking coffee to ever having sex again. Today, musical chairs meets elimiDATE as singles have 10-minute one-on-one coffee chats before moving on to the next prospect. At the end of the rounds, everyone hands over their "hottie lists" to a hostess, who then sets up the matching couples. Nice idea in theory, but the potential for that last-kid-picked-for-dodgeball feeling is sky-high.

[The Big Apple Improv Festival, the Little Theater at the West Side YMCA, 5 West 63rd Street, east of Lincoln Center, 8 p.m., 353-7716; Coffee Dating, 1 p.m., 371-0280.]

Sunday 2nd

O.K., is 2003 the Year of the Sheep, or the Year of the Goat? Because we're getting conflicting answers, and our fact-checkers are starting to get grouchy . So today's the second day of the Chinese New Year, and apparently there's more to Chinatown than fake Rolies and "I § New York" baby T's. Who knew? The Chinese New Year in Chinatown tour explores the area, including Quong Yeun Shing, the oldest store in Chinatown, which now sells tchotchkes and random goods. "They even sell bus tickets to Foxwoods!" said Seth Kamil of Big Onion Walking Tours. "My favorite is the open-air market on Mott Street between Hester and Grand, above Canal. That, for me, is the epitome of Chinatown-as opposed to two blocks down, where there's a McDonald's, Starbucks and Häagen-Dazs with faux Chinese fronts," he added with smarty-pants disdain. "It's the exact same fish you buy at Citarella, except the salmon is $4 a pound instead of $16. The only time I won't buy it is in the heat of summer-I stay away from fish in general during July and August." Glad to know that, bucko. After spending the day getting lost on the Lower East Side, head to the Ziegfeld for the premiere of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (a concept we seem to have mastered all on our own), starring the always-effervescent Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey , who was last seen (or not seen, in this case) in Reign of Fire . Cue the bongos!

[Chinese New Year in Chinatown, the southwest corner of Canal and Lafayette streets, 1 p.m., 439-1090; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days premiere, Ziegfeld Theater, 141 West 54th Street, 6 p.m., by invitation only.]

Monday 3rd

When not busy being kidnapped, those hedge-fund guys can par-tay! Tonight, Hedge Funds Care holds its annual benefit to raise money for the prevention of child abuse. "Hedge funds are one of the most philanthropic industries in the country," said the charity's founder, Rob Davis . "Most of the world doesn't realize it, because hedge-fund people tend to be quiet and not beat their chests about it." ( Thump, thump, thump .) Mr. Davis and 800 of his closest friends will carry out an (unhostile) takeover of the Marriott for a night of dinner and dancing. Expect Bear Stearns, Goldman Sachs and both Morgans (J.P. and Stanley), as well as sports figures like Walt Frazier. Tables start at $12,000. Note to hedge-funders: Don't forget to save some money and invest in a panic room …. Meanwhile, down the road at Cipriani, the American Foundation for AIDS Research (amfAR) is honoring Anna Wintour, Richard ("Razzle-Dazzle") Gere and Lorne Michaels at a gala hosted by bespectacled Saturday Night Live darling Tina Fey , with a list of fancy event chairs like Kenneth Cole, Oscar de la Renta, Tommy Hilfiger, Donna Karan, Calvin Klein, Michael Kors and Ralph Lauren. Question: How will Ms. Fey resist the temptation to poke fun at Ms. Wintour? And if she does resist that temptation, how can she ever again call herself a self-respecting cast member of a show whose lineage includes John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray and Chris Rock? Meanwhile, bespectacled lit-chick Joyce Carol Oates (one of the few celebrity scholars Princeton didn't poach from Harvard) presides over the 92nd Street Y, where Lan Samantha Chang ( Hunger: A Novella and Stories ), Jonathan Safran Foer ( Everything Is Illuminated ) and Barry Raine ( Where the River Bends ) will read. Ms. Chang called us from her home in Cambridge, where she teaches fiction-writing to earnest Cantabs, and talked about the nomadic life of an academic. "Oh man, I think I moved five times to four different states," she said. "I lived in New Jersey for a year and I loved it, which people think is so strange. I do love Cambridge. I also loved Iowa City-people should fly there to do their errands!" Ever commit academic masturbation (a.k.a. assign her own books) ? "No, but I'll think about it now that you said that! Maybe after they get their grades!"

[Hedge Funds Care, Marriott Marquis Hotel, 1535 Broadway at 46th Street, 5:30 p.m., 967-0322, ext. 341; amfAR gala, Cipriani, 110 East 42nd Street, 6:30 p.m., 806-1753; New Voices in Fiction and Memoir, 92nd Street Y, 1395 Lexington Avenue, 8 p.m., 415-5500.]

Tuesday 4th

Male feminists (menimists) head to the 92nd Street Y to cruise Nerve.com ladies at a lecture by intellectual pin-up/academic pit bull, Camille Paglia, who tries to recapture some of her 1990's heat by setting her critical gaze upon the gals of Hollywood in contemporary culture. ( Anna Nicole, start running now. We're giving you a head start.) Meanwhile, men who like their gals in a more supine state of mind bid on the celebrity-designed platinum heart pendants on public display at Sotheby's for a "Women with Heart" charity auction. Designers include the indefatigable Christina Applegate , Gisele Bündchen (check to see if it has a Leo-induced crack down the middle), Penélope Cruz and everyone's favorite political scientist, Barbra Streisand.

[Women with Heart, Sotheby's, 1334 York Avenue between 71st and 72nd streets, 10 a.m., 606-7000; Camille Paglia: Images of Women in Hollywood, 92nd Street Y, 1395 Lexington Avenue, 8 p.m., 415-5500.]

Wednesday 5th

One bad boy, two good girls: So Hunter S. Thompson has published a new book, Kingdom of Fear , which has received tepid reviews at best , so here's our advice to Mr. Fear and Loathing- why not write a diet book, as an argument that if more Americans lived as you do, they'd live longer and look pretty darn good? Tonight, he signs copies of his latest tome at Barnes & Noble Union Square. If you prefer galas to gonzo , the Museum of Television and Radio is honoring Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett, who these days look eerily alike in a "Jennifer Jason Leigh and Bridget Fonda in Single White Female " kind of a way.

[Hunter S. Thompson book-signing, Barnes & Noble/Union Square, 33 East 17th Street, 7 p.m., 253-0810; Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett Gala, Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, 301 Park Avenue, 6:30 p.m., by invitation only.]

doing something earnest and practical-and had been informed by a co- tricoteuse that she was "too old to freeze her eggs."

A heated debate ensued, accompanied by the frantic clicking of needles.

With no consensus of opinion on the hard-boiled facts about in-vitro fertilization (IVF), the knitting circle-composed almost

entirely of biological clock-watchers in their mid-30's-then descended into an uproar. The only thing these groovy chicks agreed about was the fact that women's magazines habitually placed too much emphasis on the weepy psychodrama of this egg-y issue,

while neglecting to communicate the basic facts.

I called reproductive endocrinologist Mitchell Essig, M.D. (779-8576) and begged him to unscramble this fertilization frittata. I gleaned the following:

1. Unfertilized eggs have a 3 percent survival rate, but for fertilized eggs it's 80 percent-therefore freezing without fertilization is a waste of a good refrigerator.

2. No offense, but age is a critical factor. IVF has a 35 percent

success rate if you're under 40; if you're older, it's more like 10 percent.

3. Going on the pill in an attempt to "stockpile"

your eggs-F.Y.I.: The pill prevents new eggs from being released every month-for future fertilization opportunities is silly: The age of the eggs is the critical factor, not the amount. However, women on the pill are less likely to develop ovarian cancer.

I relayed these facts to my tricoteuse , but she was way over the knitting incident. She sighed and admitted that the real problem for many chicks was not a lack of

information, but foot-dragging sperm donors-i.e., ambivalent boyfriends.

"It's made me totally nuts," she said of the lack of a single reproductive instinct in the men she dates. "I now get furious with dates if they say they don't want kids-even if I don't like

them." My advice: do a Céline Dion and schedule a pregnancy. Or, better yet, pull a Jodie Foster: bust out of the panic room of your waning fecundity and get yourself the couture sperm of your choice.

Attention, knitters: Unfortunately for you, this season is really more about crochet. The good news: There are some great little Cameron Diaz–ish flirty crochet numbers to be had at various price points. The best bargain is to be found at your local bebe store, where you can snag a classy-but-flirty nylon/cotton black crochet top for a mere $69.

It won't keep your ovaries warm, but it might attract a few sperm donors.

P.S.: Please excuse the brevity of this column while I write my next book, entitled Wacky Chicks and

scheduled for publication by Simon & Schuster in spring 2003-just in time for Mother's Day!

That's a shame, because as the investigation of her ex-husband's pardon intensifies–and Ms. Rich opts to exercise her Fifth Amendment privilege–Ms. Rich's songwriting career speaks eloquently for her, offering a revealing window into this woman of the moment's soul. Let's open that window and see what's inside.

Ms. Rich, who is 57 years old, is one of a handful of songwriters who rose to prominence in the early to mid-1990's, a prodigious, pre-Puffy era flush with power-ballad maestros like Babyface and Diane Warren. In addition to her songs for Ms. Cole and Ms. Dion, Ms. Rich penned hits for some of pop's biggest acts, including Patti LaBelle and the hip-hop priestess Mary J. Blige.

"When I was a little girl, I always thought, 'What am I doing on this planet,' 'What's my meaning to life?'" Ms. Rich said in a 1993 interview with music writer Gordon Pogoda. "I needed to speak the truth for myself and everyone else about the joy and pain of life. So much of music today dances around that. I think people aren't honest enough."

Denise Rich is, in pop-music parlance, a hit maker. Contrary to some people's impressions, she is not a dabbling dilettante: During her nearly two decades of work, Ms. Rich has written the lyrics (other people have composed the music) to more than 1,400 songs, and her compositions have appeared on albums that have collectively sold almost 40 million copies.

"When you put together a new CD and you're looking for material and songs, there are several songwriters that you call, and Denise Rich is definitely on the A-list," said Frankie Blue, the influential program director at 103.5 WKTU, a popular dance-music station in New York City. "She's passionate and versatile. She knows how to write an up-tempo Top 10 hit as well as a moving love song."

Ms. Rich began writing songs in the early 1980's, when she was stuck in an unhappy marriage to Mr. Rich, a billionaire stock trader. In those days, Ms. Rich would strum her guitar and compose songs in her bathroom.

As her marriage crumbled, Ms. Rich found that her songwriting improved, and she began to enter songwriting competitions and to send her songs to publishers. "There were things in my heart that I had to say, but I couldn't say to people–messages that maybe I was afraid to say or didn't know how to say," Ms. Rich told Mr. Pogoda. "I realized that maybe in my own small way I could make a difference [with songwriting]. I started getting more into the spirituality and into positive messages."

The first big break in Ms. Rich's songwriting career occurred in 1985, when Sister Sledge–the R&B group famous for the disco and Pittsburgh Pirates anthem "We Are Family"–decided to record Ms. Rich's song "Frankie" on their album When the Boys Meet the Girls. "Frankie" eventually went gold.

"Frankie" is the story of a onetime teenage couple running into each other later in life. In the song, we find some of the primal elements in Ms. Rich's technique–direct narration, unabashed emotion, conversational style–as well as the reliable musical themes of memories and love gone wrong:

You looked at me and then I blushed

Because I remembered when I loved you so much

Way back when we were friends

Going together but then you left me

Frankie, do you remember?

Ms. Rich followed "Frankie" with a bit of a musical detour. She was hired to compose a theme song for the sailing races at the Summer Olympics. That song, for the 1988 Summer Olympiad in Seoul, Korea, was entitled "The Next American Hero" and was sung by Richie Havens:

You traveled miles across the sea

To turn your dreams into reality

Braving your destiny alone

Leaving friends, family, your home …

If you've been a dreamer all through your life

And you're a believer within your heart

Hold onto your dreams 'til they all come true

Have faith, never give in, then you'll find

That the next American hero will be you.

"Hero" was an early example of Ms. Rich's flexibility, her ability to sculpt material for any artist for any occasion. It also established her as something of a hired gun for big, patriotic events. Later, in 1993, Ms. Rich would write "All I Wanna Be Is Understood," which became the theme song for the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, Tenn. Ms. Rich's affinity for prideful occasional music recalls other songwriters like Irving Berlin, the composer of "God Bless America" and "This Is the Army, Mr. Jones."

By then Ms. Rich had teamed up with songwriter Michael O'Hara, who would become her most frequent partner, collaborating on songs for artists like Donna Summer and Engelbert Humperdinck. Two of Ms. Rich's and Mr. O'Hara's earliest compositions, "Lifeline" and "Crazy Love," appeared on R&B artist Ce Ce Peniston's gold album Finally –though the pair did not compose the album's signature hit, "Finally (It Has Happened to Me…)."

Like "The Next American Hero," "Lifeline" cannily employed nautical imagery to convey the sensation of being alone:

Baby, throw out your lifeline

I'm sinking, baby, rescue me

I'm beggin' you, throw out your lifeline

Shipwrecked with emotion

When you rock the ocean in me.

By contrast, "Crazy Love" explored the theme of sexual obsession, which would prove to be one of Ms. Rich's favorite subjects:

Touch me and my knees start to shiver

Can't help but lose control

Kiss me and my lips start to quiver

What are you trying to do to my soul

Crazy love

The way we're making love

I can't get enough.

As it turns out, no one felt a stronger, more emotional connection to these lyrics than Ms. Rich and Mr. O'Hara themselves. "We always cry when we write," Mr. O'Hara told The Observer via telephone from his studio in St. Louis. "You'd be surprised how spent you are when your heart is solid into something you write. It's very emotional. It's wonderfully draining, especially when you write about love and become emotionally involved. We cry. We laugh. We use up the tissues."

In 1996, Ms. Rich–who has written lyrics to songs for numerous film soundtracks, including Runaway Bride, Meteor Man and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar –wrote a ballad called "Love Is on the Way," which made it onto the soundtrack of the Goldie Hawn comedy The First Wives Club. That song–a hopeful plea to keep up the search for true love–was originally sung by Billy Porter.

But the following year, "Love Is on the Way" was covered by Ms. Dion, the swan-necked Canadian who was well on her way to becoming one of the decade's biggest musical stars. Ms. Dion's version of "Love Is on the Way" was a smash success, appearing on an album, Let's Talk About Love , which sold more than 25 million copies worldwide.

At long last, Ms. Rich was recognized as a songwriting superstar.

"Anyone who has been recorded by Celine Dion is talented and sought-after," said Danny Goldberg, chairman and chief executive of Artemis Records and the former chairman of Mercury Records Group. "There are hundreds of people writing songs for a handful of top artists. When the producer, the record company and the artist get together to find someone to write a song, she's definitely one of the writers considered. She's obviously talented."

Indeed, Ms. Rich started getting very big jobs. When Arista Records heavyweight Clive Davis brought the legendary Aretha Franklin and Mary J. Blige together for a duet in 1999, Ms. Rich was enlisted, along with songwriter Gen Rubin.

"They didn't say what they wanted," Mr. Rubin said. "We both thought the song should be a conversational type of song, Aretha giving Mary J. Blige advice about something. Within five minutes we had the chorus, and we basically made it a song about Mary going through a rough relationship and Aretha saying, 'Look, this guy is a waste of time.'"

Mr. Rubin described Ms. Rich's songwriting style as impulsive yet tireless. "All the songs we write, they just kind of happened," he said. "We brainstorm and the ideas just come pouring out. We seem to be able to write songs in a couple of hours. We both throw out so many ideas off each other, and we make sure the song has a strong point of view and the right vibe for the artist. She comes up with the song concept. She's got the titles in her head already."

Mr. O'Hara agreed. "She [Denise] is so adaptable to any situation," he said. "She can come into any room with any person who has an open heart … [and] give of herself as a writer."

Ms. Rich showed that adaptability in 1999 when she wrote the song "Candy" for So Real, an album by the 15-year-old bubble-gum ingénue Mandy Moore. A three-chord paean to teenage desire, "Candy" was reminiscent of Ms. Rich's breakthrough song of 15 years ago, "Frankie":

I'm so addicted to the lovin' that you're feedin' me

Can't do without this feeling's got me weak at the knees

Body's in withdrawal every time you take it away

Can't you hear me callin', beggin' you to come out and play.

"Candy" both references and subverts the traditional teen sweet song. While that last image recalls the bonds of childhood, ironically it is the eating of the candy–itself an ornament of childhood–that becomes the symbol of maturity.

Most recently, Ms. Rich penned "Livin' for Love" for Natalie Cole. A tribute to the human need for love, "Livin' for Love" reached No. 1 on WKTU. It, too, has all the hallmarks of a Denise Rich lyrical composition–simple words, pained emotions, but at its emotional core a relentless optimism.

When she wasn't writing songs, of course, Ms. Rich was making a name for herself raising money for causes. In addition to her fund-raising work for cancer care and research, Ms. Rich was donating money to the Democratic Party. It is estimated that she contributed $1 million to various Democratic efforts, and it has also been reported that she made a $450,000 gift to Bill Clinton's Presidential library in Little Rock, Ark.

One might wonder how a songwriter–even one with Ms. Rich's success–could afford those kind of gifts. Typically, the writer of a song earns money from three sources: first, a cut of the album sales, known as the mechanical; second, a fee based on the number of times a song is played on the radio, known as a performance royalty; and third, a flat fee paid when a song is used for a movie soundtrack.

The bulk of any songwriter's income comes from the mechanicals from record sales. Ordinarily, the mechanical royalty for a writer ranges anywhere from five to seven cents for every album sold for each song on the album. According to SoundScan, albums containing Ms. Rich's songs have sold approximately 38 million copies over the past 15 years. On most songs Ms. Rich is listed as a collaborator, meaning she probably receives, on average, about a three-cent fee per album, placing her total earnings from album sales at around $1.14 million.

Ms. Rich has undoubtedly made more from performance and soundtrack fees, but it's pretty evident that her philanthropic streak isn't subsidized by her songwriting, said one prominent music-business lawyer.

"Her music money is not buying the Clinton pardons, that's quite clear," said William Krasilovsky, who co-wrote the book This Business of Music. "At her level of reputation and achievement, it isn't in the ballpark for her … at the numbers they are giving."

Still, Ms. Rich's involvement with the pardon chaos may prove to be profitable somewhere down the road. Many songwriters complain that, as success brings them fame and riches, they simultaneously travel further and further from the source of inspiration that impelled them to write songs in the first place. In her early days, Ms. Rich wrote songs in response to a deteriorating marriage. Now, a new crisis may become her next creative muse.

So let's jump forward 15 years to a time when Celine Dion is considered cool. It will probably take until 2012 for society to have advanced to a point where a public expression of appreciation for Ms. Dion is not considered an elaborate put-on. In this atmosphere of tolerance, Celine Dion aficionados will be able to discuss her colossal lung power and how it belies her birdlike frame. They will raise glasses in a toast to the tenacity that saw the French-Canadian canary not only become phonetically fluent in English but also tame the unmanageable frizz with which she struggled during her tenure as a Québécois LeAnn Rimes. They will pay tribute to her unapologetic squareness, noting that while the likes of Janet Jackson, Madonna and Mariah Carey made strenuous attempts to keep their music contemporary and their lyrics confessional and libidinous, Ms. Dion remained untouched by time or trend. Her niche, they will conclude, was high drama; given a plaintive three-minute declaration of heartache, she was capable of delivering a soaring, showy performance. Ultimately, they will decide, she was the unfunkiest of divas. Then mention of her 1997 album, Let's Talk About Love (550 Music/Epic), will come up, and they'll fall silent. Because even in that mythical future when Celine Dion is considered cool, Let's Talk About Love will be thought of as her least cool album.

To the untrained ear, this record is just as much of a sack of suck as her previous outing, Falling Into You . But I say No. Falling Into You featured Ms. Dion's made-in-heaven collaboration with Jim Steinman, the cataclysmic "It's All Coming Back to Me Now." It featured one of hired hitwoman Diane Warren's most lethal concoctions, "Because You Loved Me." It featured Ms. Dion's riven-with-despair rendition of Eric Carmen's "All By Myself." It would even have featured some songs produced by Phil Spector, except that the wandering genius wanted to keep Ms. Dion locked in the vocal booth for six months. Even in his insanity, however, Mr. Spector proved cognizant of the fact that Celine Dion functions best as the eye of the storm.

There is, of course, no Phil Spector collaboration on Let's Talk About Love . There are no Diane Warren songs, and Jim Steinman's presence is limited to a meager "Additional Production" credit. In their place, heavy friends have been dragooned into duty on an album designed to set in stone the notion of Ms. Dion as less of a singer and more of an international monument.

The entire project is, in my estimation, an unmitigated disaster. It kicks off in time-honored fashion with a bombastic power ballad, "The Reason," co-written by Carole King and produced by Sir George Martin. Thus, straight away, we find the inherent wrongheadedness of this record. Carole King hasn't written a memorable song in many a year and-hello?-didn't George Martin recently announce that he was quitting the producing racket because his hearing was going? The latter affliction was probably incurred by a silent prayer offered up during the recording of "The Reason" to be struck deaf.

Ms. Dion's team-up with the Bee Gees is similarly dispiriting. One of the up-to-now immutable laws of science is that if you put the Gibb brothers with a female singer, the results will be sensational. History is littered with examples: "Love Me" by Yvonne Elliman; "Ain't Nothing Going to Keep Me From You" by Teri De Sario; "Emotion" by Samantha Sang; and "Heartbreaker" by Dionne Warwick. "Immortality" belongs on a whole different sort of list. The cement-laden dirge-taken, horrifically, from the upcoming stage musical adaptation of Saturday Night Fever -defeats both Ms. Dion and the Gibbs. Departing from dramatics proves, as always, a glaring error for this most rigid and unspontaneous of performers. She's fallen on her face before when attempting to be as one with the rhythm, but Celine Dion has never humiliated herself as comprehensively as she does when mashing it up in a dance-hall style on "Treat Her Like a Lady." As Seinfeld' s George Costanza remarked in a similar situation, "Sweet fancy Moses!"

The centerpiece of Let's Talk About Love is "Tell Him," a duet with Barbra Streisand. The last time Ms. Streisand made a record with another female artist was on "Enough Is Enough" with Donna Summer. During the recording, Ms. Summer was reportedly so intimidated that she attempted to outdo her partner by holding a note so long it caused her to pass out. Anyone who's witnessed, through the cracks of his or her fingers, the video for "Tell Him" in which Ms. Dion relates to Ms. Streisand like a newly born fawn nuzzling up against its mother, will sense that this is no diva face-off. The two singers give each other room to emote, restraining themselves until the final choruses before transforming into something akin to a pair of drunks wrestling over the microphone on karaoke night.

But this is nothing compared to the album's other massive guest appearance. Luciano Pavarotti has sung with Bryan Adams, Elton John and Bono. But Celine Dion has something his previous pop partners have lacked. She's audible. This proves to be a hideous miscalculation, given the caliber of song they've chosen to share. "I Hate You Then I Love You," a retitled remake of an old Shirley Bassey song, "Never Never Never," is a clattering camp travesty during which the big man and the little sparrow indulge in some pent-up sexual jousting. All the unleashed octaves in the world fail to expunge the mental image of the most unfeasible coupling since Biggie Smalls and Li'l Kim.

A sliver of redemption is found in the passable version of Leo Sayer's "When I Need You" and a perky piece of club pop, "Just a Little Bit of Love." But the only moment approaching Vintage Dion is the crushing ballad "My Heart Will Go On." Finally, all the components are in place: the ornate arrangement, the overblown orchestration, the thunderous drums and the chorus hysterical enough to allow Ms. Dion to crank up past Valkyrie level. The song turns out to be the closing theme from James Cameron's Titanic . Fitting, because, even to the Celine Dion cheerleaders in 2012, Let's Talk About Love is going to go down like that ill-fated vessel.