The O.G. Algonquin Round Table (Al Hirschfeld)

Well, luckily there were more than 11 people on the Round Table (original flavor), and there is certainly room for more speculation. So, here are the new submissions...and as always, send us your picks!

“She said it like a compliment, but that’s like telling someone, ‘You look like a gorgeous Whoopi Goldberg,’” Ms. Peretti joked. “That’s not something found in nature. Like a suave elephant man.”

Fifteen minutes late for our meeting at a Starbucks near Union Square, Ms. Peretti, 29, darted into the line and returned with an iced skim latte and a bowl of fruit. “I read somewhere that Jessica Alba only has a piece of fruit and coffee for breakfast,” she said. “I’m hoping my nose will get smaller if I eat this.”

Her watery blue eyes accentuated by gray eye shadow and thick mascara, dressed in a short pink skirt and a sleeveless black shirt covered in tiny hearts, she discussed her rapidly accelerating career. Ms. Peretti is the queen of the ever-growing downtown comedy scene. She’s producing a sketch comedy pilot for the stoner-centric Adult Swim network with her all-female comedy troupe, Variety Shac; co-writing a book with former Judith Regan underling Bridie Clark; and working for Turner Broadcasting’s comedy Web site Super Deluxe, where she has a six-episode deal to make short films.

But it’s her stand-up that’s put her on the map. Ms. Peretti—who’s sort of like the Brooklyn-bound thinking man’s Alessandra Ambrosio, though she would retch at the thought—frequently packs in the irony-minded crowds at places like Upright Citizens Brigade, Galapagos and Union Hall.

“Every sexual fantasy I have, there’s always at least one guy in it who laughs like this: (in Dracula voice) ‘Muh-ha-ha-ha!’” goes one of her bits. “I cannot have an orgasm without it. I’m just glad I’m not having the type of sex I used to have, where I would be just finished with him and he would be making his way out of the loft bed to go take a shower. And I would catch myself saying, ‘Hey! Go easy on the soap. Because I paid for it …. And I hate you.’”

Known to start shows by greeting audience members individually with a Phil Collins soundtrack playing, Ms. Peretti can make things awkward when she glances at her notes on stage. But her confidence never wavers, and her humor is edged with a kind of aggression that shy, lefty guys—let’s just say it, emo boys—can’t resist. In one of her jokes, she talks about dosing herself with small quantities of Rohypnol to build up a tolerance and become “unrapeable” in the meatpacking district. She may hate herself, but, to the delight of the messenger-bag-toting types, she hates the greaseballs trying to bed her even more.

An Oakland, California, native, Ms. Peretti went to a mostly black junior high school and was picked on constantly. “I really felt like a freak,” she said. “Everything about me was different. I was skinnier then, I had like a perm and these awful braces and wore dark lipstick. I really was a mess. In high school, people started to find me more attractive, but there’s still that part of me that finds me a complete freak. When people online say I’m disgusting, I’m like, ‘I know.’”

She came to New York to attend Barnard College, where she pursued English with a writing concentration. She began supporting herself as a freelance writer, serving as an intern at the Village Voice and, more recently, chronicling a “magical evening” with a Wyoming steer wrestler for Playgirl. With her brother Jonah she created the “Rejection Line” (212-479-7990), which has been handed out to thousands of unwanted suitors around the country. (Oh, sorry. You didn’t realize?)

The Peretti brother-sister tandem is also responsible for blackpeopleloveus.com, a race-relations satire that features black people giving testimonials to a fictitious country-club couple named Johnny and Sally. “Johnny calls me ‘da man!’” says one. “That puts me at ease. It makes me feel comfortable, because I am black and that’s how black folks talk to one another.”

“We went on Good Morning America and BET for the site,” Ms. Peretti said. “We came off like assholes on BET”

In 2004 she formed comedy troupe Variety Shac with comedians Andrea Rosen and Heather Lawless, as well as Shonali Bhowmik, the front woman of the band Tigers and Monkeys. “We wanted to work together but we weren’t really [getting booked for] shows on the same nights because people tend to put on one female [comedian] per show,” Ms. Peretti said. “It’s actually considerate because otherwise we might step on each other’s tampon jokes.”

In their stage shows and short films, the group lampoons the staple activities of modern friendships, like book clubs, road trips, TGIF parties, potlucks and bake sales.

“Book clubs are a great way to catch up with the most annoying people in your neighborhood,” Ms. Peretti said. Their film on that particular subject also stars Saturday Night Live’s Fred Armisen and Andy Milonakis and is available at www.varietyshac.com.

But her stand-up material is her, um, baby. In fact, if you go see her, prepare for pedophilia jokes. “I was in this café, and this lady was sitting there with her baby, and I went towards the bathroom and the baby was watching me,” she said recently at Union Hall. “And the lady was like, ‘Aw! He likes you. He’s such a flirt!’ And I was like, ‘I know. (breathily) I want to fuck him so bad.’”

NEW YORK'S UNDERGROUND COMEDY SCENE revolves around the Upright Citizens Brigade’s Chelsea outpost, which runs cheap (or free) stand-up and sketch shows virtually every night of the week. Nazi, bestiality and bulimia jokes are all in a night’s work. Cast members from Flight of the Conchords, The Office and Human Giant regularly deliver foulmouthed stand-up routines, and the venue serves as a networking hub for comedians.

With her Variety Shac show in the works, Ms. Peretti could soon join the boob tube regulars. She’s befriended the best of them at clubs like UCB, Pianos and Mo Pitkin’s and has played on bills with veterans like Chris Parnell (of Saturday Night Live) and Michael Showalter (of The State), as well as with critically feted up-and-comers like sketch-comedy group The Whitest Kids U’Know.

Though the testosterone-heavy scene is decidedly short on ladies, Ms. Peretti is holding her own. “She’s definitely a female comedian, and does a lot of material about being female, but it’s material with balls,” said Sam Brown of The Whitest Kids U’Know. “It has such a bite. In comedy—more so a couple years ago than now—there’s always been this ‘girls aren’t funny’ stigma. But whenever people are having that conversation, Chelsea is usually one of the first who’s thrown out as a counterexample.”

Ms. Peretti said that, thanks to the TV and Internet gigs, she’s been feeling more financially secure than any time in recent memory. But don’t expect her to give up performing live.

“I think in stand-up I’ve found much more of a voice of who I am onstage. Before, I was talking about vegans and strippers, shit that isn’t a huge part of life. But I would walk around all day, like ‘I’m a loser, I’m ugly.’ And I realized, ‘Why don’t I actually talk about what I’m thinking about, and then I’ll feel much more connected to what I was saying?’ So, about a year ago, I made a shift. The comedians I personally like to watch are the ones who actually say something real about their experience as a person.”

As if aware that she had veered into uncharacteristically sincere territory, she added, with a wry smile, “Don’t quote me on any of that.”

So you have your Cipro, your gas mask, your canned water and your

crank-powered radio. You have a bike locked on the other side of the East River

and your escape route is all planned out. You'll be fine. Unless, of course,

you're in the shower alone in your apartment when it happens, the radio and TV

happen to be off, and whatever it is that's supposed to kill you doesn't smell

like anything .

"I have a plan for that," said Jen Lee of Brooklyn. "I am getting a canary."

Ms. Lee isn't the only one. An informal survey of shoppers and

employees in pet stores around the city reveals that dozens-maybe even

hundreds-of New Yorkers have been snapping up canaries since Sept. 11, with the

idea of using their birds as an early-detection system in the event of a

terrorist gas attack.

Ms. Lee was ogling birds on a recent afternoon at the Petco pet

store near Union Square. She said she'd decided to purchase a canary a few days

previously, when she was walking down the street and ran into her eighth-grade

social-studies teacher. During the encounter, Ms. Lee, who is in her 20's,

remembered something she'd learned in class.

"Back during, you know-West Virginia-when the coal miners had to

go down those deep tunnels or whatnot, and they were like, 'Um, are we dying

down here or not?' because there were like all these poison gases," Ms. Lee

said. "The miners all got canaries. And if the canaries died, it meant get the

hell out of there."

A saleswoman came over to help.

"I want a canary," Ms. Lee said.

"Red or yellow?" the saleswoman asked.

"It doesn't matter which one," Ms. Lee said, and then she changed

her mind. "Which is cheaper?"

"The yellow ones. They're $90," the saleswoman said.

"Good," Ms. Lee said. "'Cause I think the yellow ones work better

anyway."

The saleswoman asked her if she wanted a male or female.

"Ummm, I don't really care,"

Ms. Lee said.

The saleswoman boxed up a bird. Ms. Lee touted her purchase. 

"O.K., so I'm in the

apartment, and suddenly the canary stops singing," she said. "It's dead. Then I

either go outside right away, or if that doesn't look safe, then stay inside."

Ms. Lee glanced at her new pet. "Such a good idea," she said. "My friends are all going to get

these things."

Maybe they already have. Finding someone at a local Petco to talk

on the record was difficult, but privately, employees at sev-

eral of the pet chain's locations in the city said that they've noticed a surge

in demand for canaries. One staffer at the Petco on 86th Street, speaking on

the condition of anonymity, said: "I don't want to seem unpatriotic or

anything, but [canary] business has been great ever since Sept. 11!"

Other stores have noted similar increases. The Bird House, an

aviary on the Upper West Side, ran out of canary cages for the first time that

anyone there could remember. And Pierre Brooks, the owner of 33rd & Bird in

midtown, said he's been amazed by "the influx of people buying canaries."

Breeders have noticed a spike in demand, he said; they can hardly keep up.

Still, Mr. Brooks warbled a note of caution.

"Ever since Sept. 11, 50 percent of our customers are buying

these birds for the wrong reasons," he said. Canaries, he added, require

special nutrients, ample space, toys to play with and plenty of attention from

their owners. "We're very concerned they're not going to take good care of the

birds."

It was early afternoon, and Mr. Brooks, a professorial-looking

man in a warm sweater, was flanked by screeching parrots, finches, macaws and

parakeets. He pointed to a pair of white-bellied canaries perched next to a

frill canary.

"The frill, which is $199, these

people will go for, no questions asked," he said. By "these people," it was

pretty clear what Mr. Brooks meant: canary-buyers-come-lately.

"People are coming in, they're asking, 'Give me a canary, I don't

care if it's male or female. But I want one ,'"

Mr. Brooks said. That seemed to make him even madder. "The female doesn't sing . So that's an indication to

us that they're buying them for you-know-what ."

A parrot stuck its talon into Mr. Brooks' sweater, and he plucked

it out. "We're very concerned. If they think they can walk in and walk out with

a bird-well, they weren't expecting to run into me," he said. "We put people

through a little grill."

He said he's told canary customers: "'I understand you're in here

to buy it because of the state of affairs. But I want to know that you'll care

for it. Is this just a trophy that's going to be tarnished at some given time,

and in the meantime you're not polishing it?'

"I turn a lot of people

away," Mr. Brooks said.

But if a worried customer

still insists-begs, even-Mr. Brooks said he'll try to persuade him or her that

canaries don't save lives.

"I tell them, without being a biologist, that I don't think a

canary is the answer," he said. "I don't think the canary dying is enough of a

sign of what's going to come."

Dr. Michael Garvey, director of the E. & M. Bobst Hospital of

the Animal Medical Center on the Upper East Side, generally agreed with Mr.

Brooks. For the most part, people who buy canaries to warn them of gas attacks

are "very silly," he said.

But Dr. Garvey admitted there was at least a chance that a canary

could help alert a person that something bad was coming.

"It would depend upon the agent," he said. "Small birds are very

sensitive to inhalation of all kinds of noxious gases, some of which don't even

bother human beings. You can kill a bird just by overheating Teflon on the

stove …. I can't speak for all noxious gases, but in general, a canary would

likely be more sensitive to gases than a human. Technically, they would succumb

first. It has to do with their body weight-their body size."

But, Dr. Garvey said, "that's not the point."  The real question, he said, is "What would

you do after the bird died? Where could you go?"

-Ian Blecher

To Love and Dis In

New York

Single people in New York City say that it's a lot easier to get

some action these days. Partly it's because of the tragedy and the natural need

for comfort, companionship and warmth. Others point to the conven-ience of

"speed" and Internet dating. Of course, it's also partly because of the booze.

(It's always a little bit about the booze, isn't it?)

But amidst all the joyful couplings, single people are still

getting rejected, too. Rejection is one of the hardest, ugliest aspects of the

pick-up scene. It stinks to be rejected, and unless you're a true cold-hearted

sicko, it stinks to reject someone, too.

A new service called the Rejection Line, however, makes rejecting

someone in New York City a whole lot easier. Here's how it works: On its Web

site, Rejectionline.com, the Rejection Line provides a number-as of Oct. 30, it

was 212-479-7990-and, when confronted by an undesirable suitor (or suitorette),

a user supplies it as his or her own.

People, of course, have been doing this for years-giving poor

slobs the number of a Ray's Famous, 1010 WINS, the British Consulate, etc.-but

the genius of the Rejection Line is that the caller hears an actual rejection

on the other end.

"Unfortunately, the person who gave you this number does not want

to talk to you or speak to you again," a male voice says. "We would like to

take this opportunity to officially reject you." After choosing from several

options-including "to hear a sad poem written by a kindred spirit, press 2" and

"to cling to the unrealistic hope that a relationship is still possible, press

3"-rejected callers can leave a message.

The Rejection Line was

founded by siblings Jonah and Chelsea Peretti, who are both in their 20's. Ms.

Peretti, who lives in the East Village, jokingly described the genesis of the

Rejection Line as "a burst of transcendental understanding," but more seriously

as a "response to being catcalled and harassed."

"The people that we have

gotten messages from who were rejected tended to be really aggressive males,"

Ms. Peretti said. "I think of it [the Web site] as something for the underdog,

I guess because I'm a woman. I think of it as something that a woman could use

as a tool."

After several months of growth by word of mouth, the Rejection

Line is exploding in popularity. Launched this summer, it quickly outgrew the

first phone-mailbox system that housed it and has been expanded to accommodate

eight simultaneous calls. To date, the Rejection Line has been a not-for-profit

enterprise, without ads or fees-although the Perettis aren't ruling anything

out.

Is the Rejection Line yet another worry for New York singles? Ms.

Peretti offered a little advice: "I think if you're perceptive and you're

picking up on people's body language, you're not going to get a

rejection number."

-Dan Levine