You could never tweet a picture of yourself dressed as a slutty Christmas Barbie who appears to have been left on top of the radiator for too long, but Courtney Stodden can. Maybe that's why she has so many followers than you.

So go on, indulge in the gluttonous feast of celebrity schadenfreude/jealousy. It's a better outlet for your self-loathing and frustration than that annual passive-aggressive fight with your father, at the very least.

Dickdickdick. (Lifetime)

– Chris Brown wants to poop and fart on lady comedian; deletes Twitter account.

– Charlie Sheen once gave Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help out with her IRS "debt," which is one case of the blinded-by-syphilis leading the blinded-by-syphilis.

– Liz & Dick premiered last night on the Lifetime channel, and Twitter was very excited about it, but apparently it was awful, no d'oy.

– If you ever wanted to know how to destroy Goop, here's Gawker's handy guide.
– Justin Bieber no longer beloved by Canadians, even while being given a White Trash award by the nation's Prime Minster.

Chris Brown and Rihanna: Back on track?

- Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj have caused producers to suspend American Idol auditions because the two new judges just can't get along. (Ms. Minaj said she'd knock the Glitter star "out.") Keith Urban is apparently staying out of this one.

- In addition to guest star Donald Glover, Girls creator Lena Dunham told Reuters that the second season of her HBO show will feature more women of color. "All I want to do is make women feel excited and included by the show," she said.

RIP DAD. (Ed Reed)

A certain pop star who has no right to be, in light of his outrageous and offensive behavior over the years, recently showed off a neck tattoo of what looks like a battered woman who may or may not be his ex-girlfriend. It is an act that only confirms his sub-humanity, his despicablity, his worthlessness.

Fortunately, there are better people in the world than this.

Neck tattoos are deplorable as a rule, but perhaps today, we have found one of the rare instances where they are acceptable, even admirable: as a permanent memorial to a loved one lost. This picture was taken by the mayor's photographer Ed Reed at the September 11 anniversary ceremony this morning. "RIP DAD," the script reads.

Chris Brown, pre-neck tat. (Getty Images)

Chris Brown is either going through an insane period of self-flagellation, or this is the worst September's Fools Day prank ever. New photos of the rapper emerged earlier today showing new neck ink that looks suspiciously like the 2009 photo of a badly-beaten Rihanna that was leaked to TMZ.

Is this the star's way of giving himself a scarlet letter for life?

While Mr. Brown is denying that the woman on his neck has any relation to his ex-girlfriend--whom he was convicted of committing felony assault against, forcing him to comply with a restraining order that was dropped in 2011--the new tattoo is fairly damming evidence to the contrary. Rihanna recently appeared on OWN for a sit-down conversation with Oprah, during which she opened up about her love for Chris Brown, saying:

"It was a weird, confusing space to be in. Because as angry as I was, as angry and hurt and betrayed, I just felt like he made that mistake because he needed help and who's going to help him? Nobody's going to say he needs help. Everybody's going to say he's a monster without looking at the source, and I was more concerned about him."

While Rihanna may have forgiven Mr. Brown, it may be that the singer has yet to forgive himself. Then again, can we pass any more judgement on him than he's passing on himself with permanent branding?

The Observer has heard from multiple sources that W.I.P. (the site of the brawl) and Greenhouse (the club that it was spawned from, which shares the same property and address) can operate again, and will do so beginning on July 8th. A spokesperson for the club confirmed: W.I.P./Greenhouse has reached an agreement—"in principle"—with the city to reopen in the coming week.

Even if the legal injunction preventing the club from operating has been temporary lifted, there's still the issue of the club's liquor license to deal with. The license, which was revoked via emergency suspension on Tuesday by the New York State Liquor Authority, is still showing up as inactive on the NY-SLA's website.

On Tuesday, the club's management will meet with an administrative judge for the SLA, in which they'll challenge the agency's emergency suspension. An NY-SLA spokesperson did not immediately return a request for comment.

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

Chris Brown, Drake, and the carnage of W.i.P. (Getty/Getty/Twitter)

New York's club scene is still dealing with the aftermath of the Chris Brown/Drake row earlier this month at the SoHo underground hotspot W.i.P.  The city has shut down the venue for 14 violations following the fight on June 14th, when a barrage of flying bottles and broken glass rained down upon innocent bystanders.

Now club-goers are getting litigious against anybody they can find responsible (although Chris Brown has not yet the target of any of possible lawsuit, give it time), and the hotspot is suing the city. We know, it's hard to keep all these boldfaced names on the lawsuits straight, so here's a handy guide of the defendants and plaintiffs in what will go down in history as The Bottle Battle of 2012.

You won't be seeing this at Barclays' 40/40 Club (Patrick McMullan)

After last week's glass-shattering fracas between Drake and Chris Brown at SoHo's W.i.P., New York's nightclub scene might be seeing a dip in bottle service. Hey, we're not complaining.

Jay-Z in particular is taking a stand against bottles, which are used by gentleman to broadcast to anyone in the nearby vicinity that they are, in fact, ballers. Though his 40/40 clubs in in Chelsea and Atlantic City will still offer the service, the proposed location at Barclays Center--where the rapper holds a stake in the Brooklyn Nets--has put its foot down.

As a spokesperson for Forest Ratner, the developer for Barclays, told The New York Post:

“The 40/40 Club will have no bottle service,”...defining that as “bottles of hard liquor,” such as gin and vodka, “being sold at inflated prices of up to $600 . . . to be purchased and [drunk] all at once in a club setting.”

Drake and Rihanna, sans Chris Brown.

New York may need a time-out to sit and think about what it’s done. According to Mayor Bloomberg, who has already made it clear that NYC citizens will no longer be able to sneak smoking breaks in the park or in their own homes (or anywhere else, really), he is now worried that we’re all fat people ferrying prostitutes to and fro.

Or something like that. How else do you explain the proposed ban on sodas larger than 16 ounces? Is obesity illegal now? And while we’re at it, his Healthiness managed to squeeze in a new statute for streetwalkers, which would penalize taxi  drivers for picking up prostitutes as fares. Even if they weren’t aware that their riders were Jezebels, the cabbies would be fined $10,000 and lose their licenses for driving a woman about town around, well, town. Given the questionable sartorial choices of many of our fine city’s residents, we anticipate more than a few passengers denied a ride on the basis that they look as if they get paid to have sex with strangers.

So far, though, the callous cab bill hasn’t received a lot of attention—perhaps because no major spokesperson has come forward to defend the rights of the barely clad. Madonna, we need you back in New York, ASAP! After all, the 54-year-old mother has no qualms about showing her stuff for money, as audiences at world concerts in Turkey and Rome are now fully aware. Not only has the cone bra made a resurgence during the MDNA world tour, but so have the Material Girl’s nipples and her bare bottom. “No fear” read the ink of Madonna’s back during her stunts, which occurred both times during Madge’s performance of “Human Behavior.” We don’t know; that particular reminder of our own impending mortality is pretty frightening to us.

We would even be willing to deport Drake and Chris Brown to some far-flung tour locale to take her place. The hip-hoppers turned SoHo nightclub W.i.P. into a deleted scene from Bottle Rocket when a fight between the two massive egos (and their bodyguards) broke out last week. Allegedly, the fight was over Mr. Brown’s ex-girlfriend Rihanna, whom Drake is currently wooing. And in a surprising twist, it was the hot-tempered Mr. Brown who was trying to pass the peace pipe to his ex’s new flame. The usually emo Drake’s crew served up their own version of bottle service—namely bottles flying in the direction of Mr. Brown. What is the world coming to when two entertainers can’t even have a decent fight in this town anymore? We remember the days of the Jets and the Sharks—at least they had catchy tunes.

Of course, not everyone can keep a cool personality in this sweltering heat. We know, it doesn’t feel too humid, but temperatures are supposed to rise to the 90s this week. Hope everyone has their Hamptons gear packed. Not that the old New York summer haunt is full of fresh ideas: Real Housewife Sonja Morgan has been profiled not once, but twice for the front pages of Devorah Rose’s Social Life magazine in the past two seasons. Which just shows a real lack of imagination. We’re sure that there are plenty of others who are just as deserving of coverage in the pages of the hard-hitting luxury publication. For instance: Ramona Singer, Countess LuAnn Lesseps and Aviva Drescher. Hell, even Heather Thompson should get a page or two!

But maybe it’s just an exercise in prolonged reader abuse: how many times can we read about Ms. Morgan’s vegetable garden before we start thinking that Ms. Rose’s sadistic impulses have gotten the best of her? Maybe she needs to sit and think about what she’s done.

Of course, the police department won't say they shut down the club where the R & B brouhaha occurred—W.i.P. (or "Work In Progress")—explicitly because of the fight, but the reasons remain undisclosed by the department and unclear to anyone who will talk:

The department’s chief spokesman, Paul J. Browne, said in a statement that W.i.P., as well as a club above it, Greenhouse, was "closed as a result of several violations in a stipulation agreement that was made by the owners and the N.Y.P.D." A sergeant in the police press office said on Sunday that he was unaware of what those violations were or of the details of the earlier stipulation agreement.

Emphasis ours. They also, for what it's worth, arrested the club's manager for "outstanding warrants." Like the NYPD's shutdown of the club, none of the violations the club's manager was arrested for were made clear. In fact, the only public, civic action explicitly tied to the club's fight that's been made public?

A politician's pithy attempt to capitalize on it:

City Council Speak Christine Quinn released a statement today announcing an emergency meeting between her office, the NYPD and the Nightlife Association. "I am deeply concerned by reports of the bottle throwing melee that injured more than five people in SoHo this week," Quinn said. The speaker said she wanted "to send a clear message to all nightclub patrons that bottles cannot be used as weapons and to determine if the guidelines surrounding bottle service need to be updated or reworked."

It may be worth noting that the three main characters in this fight aren't white. Why?

They stand in stark opposition to those involved in the fight at Meatpacking District club Double Seven just four months ago that involved (of course) attractive women, and the belligerent chest-beating drunks courting them, who got into fights attempting to win their hands. The stars of that one were a prince of Monaco (who also happens to be Grace Kelley's grandson), a nightlife owner, Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend, a bunch of models, and some moneyed downtown hipsters, all slugging away at each other.

Like the W.i.P. fight, people landed in the hospital, a jaw was broken, and (of course) bottle service was involved.

But unlike the W.i.P. fight, Double Service remains in operation today, and no manager was arrested.

Furthermore, it didn't inspire any calls to action by New York's political class. It was brilliant local tabloid fodder, but unlike the Drake and Chris Brown fight, didn't quite make the national papers. To be fair, it's not like the NYPD or Christine Quinn didn't have any reason to look into W.i.P. prior to this.* It's just surprising that they didn't, at least given the lesser threshold required.

After all, W.i.P.'s creative director Stuart Braunstein quit not three weeks ago after the suicide of artist Adam Grant, prior to which, his work—a $40,000 sculpture on display for viewing in the club—was destroyed, and the club was uninsured for such a thing. W.i.P. was given clearance by the local community board to open in part to its dedication to the idea of itself as a gallery. So why wouldn't they be insured like one? And how was that never looked into? Of course, when confronted with a report on Braunstein's departure from the club, W.i.P. fired back that Braunstein was (as sources told BlackBook) involved in a physical altercation with a female employee, something that (if true) never caught the attention of any city officials, either.

It might be worth mentioning here that Greenhouse—the club above W.i.P. which shares a building and some ownership—was the site of a fatal shooting in 2010, which makes that time they were accused of a racist door policy look like a small nitpick. Barry Mullineaux—an owner of W.i.P.— previously had his massively popular Chelsea nightclub Stereo shut down for good after a shooting in 2008.

To recap:

Shootings, accusations of a racist door policy, destroyed art, and accusations of management/employee physical altercations couldn't raise any serious red flags, cause a club to close (let alone act as serious impediments to one opening), or yield the attention of a local politico. A fight resembling the one at W.i.P.—except with all caucasian men, who didn't happen to be pop stars—didn't result in a club's subsequent NYPD-assisted closure, or get a City Councilwoman to climb atop a soapbox.

But after all of that, one fight between two pop stars over another one—none of whom were white—did. And now we know!

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

[*In the interest of full disclosure, we should maybe mention the fact that the New York Observer had their holiday party this year. To the best of this writer's knowledge, amazingly, no bottles were thrown.]