The following year, the magazine published another essay by Sandra Tsing Loh, 47, announcing the end of her 20-year marriage—she had an affair—and cautioning readers against what can happen when your husband considers mastering the perfect bouillabaisse recipe a more titillating activity than giving his wife an orgasm.

Meanwhile, remember Prozac Nation author Elizabeth Wurtzel, who once sat crouched on the floor, a young girl staring up at readers through all that self-conscious eyeliner? Now 42, Ms. Wurtzel wrote a piece in Elle this year about her fading beauty and the lonely dating life that accompanies it. Never too shy to turn herself inside out on paper, she is expanding the article into a book.

Now about me: I am 25 and single. If this were the 1950s, one of my multiyear relationships would have resulted in marriage by now. If this were the 1980s, I would concern myself only with purchasing a really nice shoulder-padded suit. Our mothers and grandmothers seemed to have sound instructions. But now—now that the generation of women ahead of us has begun to sound regretful, shouting at us, “Don’t end up like me!”—what we have instead are Cautionary Matrons, issuing what feel like incessant warnings.

Single 40-something women warn us about being too career-oriented and forgetting to factor in children; married women warn us that marriage is a union in which sex and fidelity are optional; and divorced women warn us to keep our weight down, our breasts up and our skin looking like Saran Wrap unless we want our husbands to later leave us for 23-year-olds.

Essays written by Cautionary Matrons are one of the few genres dominated by our gender; Laura Kipnis’ Against Love: A Polemic and Cristina Nehring’s A Vindication of Love, which landed on the cover of The Times’ Book Review, also come to mind. Not that men are strangers to personal narratives, of course. There’s Jonathan Ames, whose frank tales of his sexual adventures have landed him on HBO; and New Yorker writer Tad Friend, who as part of the research for his recently published memoir went on the self-absorbed quest of asking exes whether he was “a mild jerk or a total jerk.” But while men tend to be cheerfully self-deprecating, women are downright apologetic, asking themselves what they’ve done wrong and how to fix it.

Cautionary Matrons extend beyond nonfiction. In Lorrie Moore’s new novel, A Gate at the Stairs, the protagonist, a 20-year-old college student named Tassie Keltjin, looks over at the older woman who has hired her to be the baby sitter of a baby she has yet to adopt into an already lonely marriage and makes the following observation: “These middle-aged women seemed very tired to me, as if hope had been wrung out of them and replaced with a deathly, walking sort of sleep.”

And then there is ABC’s new show Cougar Town. It’s meant to tease out the empowering side of being 40 and single. But few viewers actually want to a visit a place where even someone as MILF-y as Courteney Cox self-tauntingly tugs the goose skin on her elbows—isn’t elbow skin supposed to be loose?—and refers to her vagina as a “coochie cooch.” And there is Jennifer Aniston. She’s not the Cautionary Matron; it is the hidden tabloid editor who sends her threatening missives by blowing up Ms. Aniston’s thighs alongside headlines shrieking: Old! Alone! Childless! 

Of course not all women are unhappy, despite that recent General Social Survey cited by Maureen Dowd and Time (and disputed by Barbara Ehrenreich in Salon). Tabloid-media powerhouse Bonnie Fuller instructed women on how to have the job, the guy and “everything else you’ve ever wanted” in her 2006 book, The Joys of Much Too Much. But how many others are encouragingly passing along the handwritten recipe of their success to us, their younger counterparts? Where are the role models less frightening than Bonnie Fuller?

‘GET MARRIED BY 32’

Last week, I brought all of this up to my friend Jenny, who is 29, single and works in publishing. We were at her Williamsburg apartment and she was making pork chops.

The phrase Cautionary Matron reminded Jenny of a woman whose novel she edited a few years ago. This 40-something author’s novel (and reality) was about an older woman who was desperate to have a child but was dating a man she didn’t like very much, and so over countless lunches and drinks, their talks about the book often turned to men. Or, more specifically, a man Jenny had broken up with and was considering reuniting with.

“And she said, ‘Well, you’re not in a position where you need to do that just yet,’” said Jenny. “But just make sure, whatever you do, that you get married by age 32. Because if you’re not married by 32, no one will want you and you’ll end up like me.”

Jenny leaned back in her chair and swirled her glass of wine. “It was just such a crazy thing to say!” she said. “But it was so honest, too, that it still haunts me. It’s not that I even think ticktock in a biological sense. I think ticktock in terms of what she said about turning 32! And how crazy is that?”

And yet the messages stick. After Jenny read Ms. Gottlieb’s piece in The Atlantic, she stayed an extra year in a relationship that she wanted to end at the time. “I was thinking it wasn’t working out, and then I read that piece and I thought, ‘Well, he’s a nice, cute guy who likes me; maybe I shouldn’t break it off,’” she said.

Last week, by phone, Ms. Gottlieb said this was not her intention and that her forthcoming book will clarify things a bit. (After the article, she received countless letters from women—alarmed by her tale of loneliness—who had read it and immediately got engaged to their less-than-scintillating boyfriends.)

“The article was like I was someone’s big sister and I was saying here’s my experience and all of the misconceptions I had,” Ms. Gottlieb said. “I think you guys are actually lucky because you’ll get a more mixed set of messages. When I was in my 20s, women were all about having it all and ‘a guy is great but he is not the main course.’ We got a single message and it was all, me, me, me, me, me. ‘You go girl!’ And now those of us that grew up with these messages are finally admitting that those messages of empowerment may actually conflict with what we want.”

Ms. Tsing Loh’s piece was directed at her generation, but she said she wasn’t surprised that young women were reading. She speculated about the reason for this apparent surge in matronly warnings: “I think because we’re really surprised!” she screamed into the receiver. “In our 20s, the world was totally our oyster. All those fights had been fought. We weren’t going to be ’50s housewives, we were in college, we could pick and choose from a menu of careers, and there were all these interesting guys out there not like our dads. We were smart women who had a lot of options and made intelligent choices and that’s why we’re writing these pieces. We’re shocked!” Shocked because even with all those choices, Ms. Tsing Loh’s marriage didn’t work out.

“It must be very confusing,” she said sympathetically. “We were the protégés of old-guard feminists: ‘Don’t have a baby, or if you must, have one, wait till your 40s.’ We were sold more of a mission plan and now you guys … Well, sadly, it all seems like kind of a mess. There is no mission. Even stay-at-home moms feel unsuccessful unless they’re canning their own marmalade and selling it on the Internet. You just have a bunch of drunk, depressed 45-year-old ladies going, ‘A-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH!’”

THE ANTI-MENTOR

At a birthday party later last week, in the West Village, I ran into my friend Caryne, who is 31, single, tall and striking, and works at a nonprofit. When I asked her if she’s ever had a Cautionary Matron, she widened her eyes and nodded. “I call her my Anti-Mentor!” she said.

Caryne’s Cautionary Matron is her former boss, who never married but had a series of disappointing romances. “Rarely do I hang up the phone with her and feel comforted. Usually, I feel anxiety and paralysis about the decisions that I need to make to avoid everything she warns me about.”

I asked Caryne why she thought our mentors have taken to enjoining rather than encouraging us. She said she had to think about it and rang me a few days later.

“They are the first generation of women who were presented with choices,” she said. “I think they are in the process of reflecting on a half-century of existence and are realizing that ‘having it all’ was really a lie. Sometimes I think the idea of ‘having it all’ can almost be more disempowering than ‘having it all’ because one is never allowed enough time or energy to excel in one area of their life.”

When confronted with grim advice, some young women go on the offensive. Said Jenny of her Cautionary Matron: “I think there is an element of jealousy there. If she can go back and do it over again, she would. But she can’t and I’m here so …”

Ms. Gottlieb had a response to this: “I think it’s part denial and part arrogance. I get it because I used to be that way in my 20s. I wanted the fairy tale. I thought that I deserved to have it, that it was my inalienable right! So that’s the arrogance, and the denial is that they simply can’t acknowledge that they, too, could become these older regretful women who wished they knew what was important in love earlier on. We’re not envious—we’re wiser.”

Ms. Wurtzel echoes this sentiment, writing in her Elle piece: “Age is a terrible avenger. The lessons of life give you so much to work with, but by the time you’ve got all this great wisdom, you don’t get to be young anymore.” And later: “Oh, to be 25 again and get it right.”

When I contacted Ms. Wurtzel, hoping for an extra pearl or two about how I, as a 25-year-old, might learn from her mistakes and “get it right,” she emailed that she “didn’t have an audience in mind when I wrote it, but if anything I was thinking in terms of people who could relate to it, not so much people who could learn from it.” She also backpedaled a bit from her cautionary stance. “Of course, I’m 42 and I’m not married, but I don’t feel sorry for myself. … It’s not that I’m not sad sometimes, but I’m definitely not sorry.”

Perhaps. But then there’s this part in her piece about her love life today: “Dating this person for three months, that one for a few weeks, sometimes longer. They come, they go, someone is always coming as someone else is going; it’s not like there’s no one, but it’s all so lonely.”

When Jenny—already fearful about turning 32, thanks to her personal Cautionary Matron—read Ms. Wurtzel’s article, she emailed me the following: “Ugh. Now I am going to sit, coma-like, on the sofa and contemplate my impending decay. Great.”

ialeksander@observer.com

The Forgotten (Tuesdays at 10 p.m., premieres September 22)

What ABC says: “From executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer comes a crime show in which a team of dedicated amateurs work on cases involving unidentified victims. After the police have given up, this group must first solve the puzzle of the victim's identity in order to then help catch the killer. They work to give the deceased back their names, lest they become—The Forgotten.”

What we say: Read that synopsis again and now imagine this series stars Christian Slater. Yup, this show won’t make it to November.

What we’ll say six months from now: “The Forgotten? Already did. Ding!”

Hank (Wednesdays at 8 p.m., premieres September 30)

What ABC says: “Kelsey Grammer stars in this timely comedy as Hank Pryor, a titan of industry who suddenly finds himself out of work, almost out of money and around a wife and kids for whom he’s never made much time.”

What we say: ABC is premiering four comedies this fall—all on Wednesday; we’ll get to the other three shortly—but we think this has a chance to be the biggest success. In an era of high concept ideas, Hank is a throwback: comfort food comedy starring a big and familiar star. It’s just what mainstream American is looking for!

What we’ll say six months from now: “We can’t say we’re surprised that Hank is the only ABC comedy to not get canceled.”

The Middle (Wednesdays at 8:30 p.m., premieres September 30)

What ABC says: “The Hecks are a middle class family living in the middle of Indiana, just trying to keep their heads above water. Emmy-winner Patricia Heaton stars as a wife and mother of three in a comedy about raising a family and lowering your expectations.”

What we say: In an era of high concept ideas, The Middle is a throwback: comfort food comedy starring… Err. While we’re sold on Hank, consider us less excited for the prospects of The Middle, which appears to be a rehash of Malcolm in the Middle, right down to the title. No thanks. We didn’t watch that show the first time.

What we’ll say six months from now: “Patricia Heaton does make a good Fox News pundit!”

Modern Family (Wednesdays at 9 p.m., premieres September 23)

What ABC says: “Today’s American families come in all shapes and sizes. Shot from the perspective of an unseen documentary filmmaker, this comedy takes a modern look at the complications that come with being a family in 2009.”

What we say: If we’re to believe television critics, Modern Family could be the funniest new show of the fall. Yet based on the handful of clips we’ve seen, Modern Family feels like just another sitcom that strains too hard to be hip and edgy. The t problems lie in the casting: Can you imagine sitting down to watch a series starring Ed O’Neill that isn’t named Married… With Children?

What we’ll say six months from now: “For a show that was canceled after twelve episodes, Modern Family sure made a lot of year-end critic lists.”

Cougar Town (Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m., premieres September 23)

What ABC says: “Courteney Cox stars as a recently divorced single mother exploring the honest truths about dating and aging in our beauty and youth obsessed culture.”

What we say: Nope, it’s not a cheesy reality show. The most unfortunately-titled new show of the fall comes from Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence and marks Courteney Cox’s return to network television. This should be a cause for celebration, but Cougar Town looks exhausted before it even premieres. In the race to cancelation, expect it to finish a close second to Accidentally On Purpose in the over-40 division.

What we’ll say six months from now: “Courteney Cox was bad on Cougar Town, but I’m loving her on MILF Island!”

Eastwick (Wednesdays at 10 p.m., premieres September 23)

What ABC says: “Three very different women (Rebecca Romijn, Lindsay Price and Jamie Ray Newman) find themselves drawn together by a mysterious man who unleashes unique powers in each of them, and this small New England town will never be the same. The series is based on the popular movie The Witches of Eastwick and on the novel of the same title by John Updike.”

What we say: When it comes to campy primetime soaps, sometimes ABC hits (Desperate Housewives) and sometimes they don’t (Dirty Sexy Money). Eastwick looks like a blend of the two, but we’re not exactly sure where the audience for this series will come from. Don’t get too attached.

What we’ll say six months from now: “It’s nice to see Lindsay Price getting an arc on Desperate Housewives.”

Flash Forward (Thursdays at 8 p.m., premieres September 24)

What ABC says: “When a mysterious event causes the entire world to black out, humanity is given a glimpse into its near future, and every man, woman and child is forced to come to grips with whether their destinies can be avoided or fulfilled.”

What we say: The terrible timeslot aside—what better lead-in for Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice than a sci-fi show!—Flash Forward is among the more anticipated entries of the fall. Whether or not it can live up to all the hype is almost irrelevant; with a sprawling cast that includes former Lost stars Dominic Monaghan (Charlie!) and Sonya Walger (Penny!)—not to mention the trippy/cool premise—we already know we’ll be giving it a shot.

What we’ll say six months from now: “We have to say: Flash Forward? Not bad.”

Despite every other network being in contraction mode, ABC has no fewer than eight new shows (!) on tap, including four half-hour comedies—and, hilariously, they’ve decided to put all four of them on the same night. There’s Hank, starring Kelsey Grammer; The Middle with Patricia Heaton; Modern Family, a mockumentary with Ed O’Neill; and, Cougar Town, which features Courtney Cox-Arquette as a 40-year-old cougar. Those four will air consecutively on Wednesdays as a lead-in to Eastwick, an adaptation of John Updike’s Witches of Eastwick that will actually take its cues from the 1987 feature film. Please note: There is no truth to the rumor that ABC entertainment president Steve McPherson introduced that lineup after stepping out of a Delorean. (Ed O’Neill? Really?) Of course, the fact that ABC thinks this thrown-together roster of comedy and dramedy can work, is fairly ridiculous: Did Mr. McPherson forget that just last year his network tried a similar strategy (grouping newer shows together) with sophomores Pushing Daisies, Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money, and now only one of them is still on the air?

As for NBC, dare we say: not bad! While ABC is busy trotting out a comedy block filled with past-their-prime sitcom veterans, NBC has a bunch of comedians that people actually like: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Steve Carell, and now, The Soup’s Joel McHale, who stars in the new series Community (we’ll forget for the moment that Community also stars past-his-prime veteran Chevy Chase). Oh, and NBC renewed Chuck! (Though sadly not Medium, which will live on thanks to CBS.) It might sound crazy, but we’re pretty sure the embattled Mr. Silverman and his lowly ranked network have the best new schedule for fall. The bar has officially been lowered!

He surveyed the sparsely populated bar in search of the older woman of his dreams. "Well," he said, "it's a possibility. There are some very beautiful women in here."

He glanced to his right at Shahla Husein, 40, and Henshi Gorodetsky, 46, who were sitting in a small, dimly lit alcove, directly across from the bar. They were both wearing tiny tube dresses, bracelets and bangles, and were looking earnestly at the verile young lad.

Jason, 26, had been invited out that evening by the producers of a reality TV series now under development, titled Cougars: NYC—not to be confused with The Cougar, the new TV Land network dating show, hosted by Vivica A. Fox; or Cougar Town, the upcoming ABC sitcom starring Courteney Cox. (Ever since 40-something actress Demi Moore first swooned for 20-something actor Ashton Kutcher, it seems, the tired older-woman-meets-younger-man story line from The Graduate has somehow kept scriptwriters busier than ever before!)

"It's funny," Jason told the Daily Transom, smirking. "Because I don't know how they found me." (Turns out, he received the invite through his MySpace account.) "I mean, I'm into dating older women, but I still don't know how they knew to contact me. But it worked, I guess ... I'm here."

Ms. Gorodetsky, one of five flirty 40-somethings featured on the forthcoming Cougars show, cut right to the cat-and-mouse chase: "Why is it O.K. for a 60-year-old man to be hitting on me but not the other way around?" pondered the sexy and sophisticated divorced mother of two. (Not unlike Stacey Anderson, star of The Cougar, Ms. Gorodetsky works in real estate, as a broker for the prominent firm Prudential Douglas Elliman.) "These are the kinds of questions I think the show can answer. I think it will help. Our show is not like the [TV Land] one that's out right now. That's very bad, very cheesy. Ours is not like that. It's not a dating show. It's a reality show."

"Let's make a new term for cougar, let's make it right now!" interjected her Cougars colleague, Ms. Husein. "I'm actually embarrassed by the term."

Ms. Gorodetsky agreed. "It's really denigrating, and also being a cougar implies that we're on the prowl. We're not! Guys come up to us!"

"Right. I turn a lot of guys down!" added Ms. Husein. "I'd rather be a Persian cat," she purred.

"Well, she's Persian," Ms. Gorodetsky pointed out. "I'd be a Panther."

Young Jason, meanwhile, was nonplussed by the term "cub."

"I don't need a label, it's all just normal to me," he shrugged.

Rapper 50 Cent's sexy 2005 smash "Candy Shop" blared in the background.

"I feel like most of the people that come here are very evolved," Ms. Gorodetsky said. "I mean look at this guy!" she said, motioning toward Jason, who smiled. "Plus, it's not exactly about dating younger guys on the show, it's more about the fact that we can. So, we're exploring that scenario at these types of parties."

How do they feel when the question of age comes up?

"Whenever somebody asks me how old I am, I ask them how much money they make," Ms. Husein said with a Cheshire grin.

In a nearby alcove, another Cougars starlet, Hayne Suthon, 52, huddled with a boyish Justin Timberlake look-alike wearing an open shirt—no chest hair—and black beanie.

"The reason I do all this publicity is because I'm in the restaurant business," noted Ms. Suthon, owner of Lucky Cheng's. "Whatever is good publicity for me is good publicity for my restaurants."

Still, Ms. Suthon isn't thrilled with the C-word, either. "The word 'cougar' implies a double standard," she said, "and 'cub'? We crack up about that. It's demeaning to the guy. Why can't the guy be worth his own salt?

"But," she added, "I'm a publicity whore; if you want to call me a cougar, go for it!"

Her date declined comment.