Illustration by Victor Juhasz

It only took filmmaker Jim Strouse three months in New York City to fall in love. He moved here from Indiana straight out of college, and for years after, he and his girlfriend had the perfect arty bohemian relationship. They made films together, they made kids together—it was all happening.

But then suddenly it wasn’t. Sometime around the birth of their second child, the relationship started to fray. They went to couples therapy, but then came the infidelity and the screaming matches and the second apartment.

When it came time to call it quits, there was only one problem: how could they get divorced when they had never gotten married in the first place?

“It’s really complicated,” said Mr. Strouse, 36. “We never got lawyers involved. It got close many times, but it was weird, it was strange. We were just winging it from day to day with the kids.”

Marriage rates in the United States are at record lows. And when more than half of children born to women under the age of 30 have unwed parents, according to Child Trends, a nonpartisan research center on children and youth issues, more and more couples are finding themselves in such relationship limbo. As Richard Fry wrote in an article on the Pew Research Center website, “Marriage increasingly is being replaced by cohabitation, single-person households and other adult living arrangements.” And with kids in the picture, breaking up has become that much messier.

Whereas married couples go through the Supreme Court to have their unions formally dissolved, unmarried couples are forced to navigate the nebulous world of child custody, alimony and asset negotiation on their own. Or worse, in Family Court.

“I understand the value of marriage, because the commitment is on paper and there’s a legal process to getting out of it,” said Mr. Strouse, whose own breakup dragged on for years. “When you’re not married, it’s really ... There was no process to go through.”

In some ways it makes sense that the current generation of baby-makers has become wary of the big M. Many grew up in broken homes as divorce rates climbed over 50 percent in the late 1970s and 1980s, according to census data. No one wants to relive the bitter divorce that his or her parents endured.

But here’s the fallacy: keeping your union unofficial in the eyes of the state doesn’t make your relationship immune. In fact, according to research from the University of Michigan, unmarried couples with children are far more likely to split than their married counterparts: 66 percent of cohabiting couples separate by the time their child is 10 years old, versus 28 percent of married couples.

“Marriage as an entity in itself seems to mean something to people,” said Jean Fitzpatrick, a New York City-based marriage counselor. “They talk in terms of wanting to save their marriage, not only in terms of wanting to stay with the person. The marriage seems to have a kind of value.”

“Getting married is kind of like closing the door in some ways,” said Mr. Strouse. “When you’re not married, the door is always open, and that was confusing. Even when we had a terrible fight, it always felt like I could just leave now and it doesn’t matter, because we never got married. The lack of legal, formal commitment did not help.”

Mr. Strouse paused before continuing: “It’s helpful to get married, if you want to get divorced.”

Ariel Boles is a 37-year-old freelance lighting designer who says he never wanted to tie the knot. When Mr. Boles and his girlfriend fell in love, and when she got pregnant, nine months after they first met at a friend’s party, the topic of formalizing their love via marriage never even came up.

“I come from divorced parents,” he explained. “My mom has been married three times and my dad is gay, so I just don’t come from marriage, from a family of marriage, where it’s an institution that’s been around, much less venerated.”

Longtime partners Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz didn’t stay together for the kid.

Eighteen months after the birth of their child, the couple split up. Only then did Mr. Boles start viewing the institution in a different light. “After going through this whole thing, I actually now think marriage would help, like taking that extra step is empowering for some reason,” he said. “For me, at this point, I think it would encourage me to work it out and stay together.”

As it is, both Mr. Boles and his ex have unpredictable work schedules, and even now, more than four years later, they have not come up with a concrete custody calendar. And as can be the case for many splitting parents, Mr. Boles admits, “There’s an alimony situation.”

The couple tried to work things out through conversations, but there were rough patches. During one such patch, Mr. Boles’s former partner got a lawyer, who went through his financial information and helped steer them toward an agreement, which Mr. Boles said is “not, like, written in paper” but entails a shared bank account.

“I trust she’s taking what she needs and nothing more,” he said, but added that perhaps it would be simpler if there were a more defined arrangement. “Sometimes I wish we were cut off completely and I would just hand her a check every month.”

But not all single mothers have a man who holds up his end of the partner bargain like Messrs. Boles and Strouse try to. Indeed, according to divorce lawyer Steven Mandel, one of the biggest advantages of getting that official document declaring you man and wife is legal protection.

“Say you have two people, a couple, and they have the same income and job, and then the woman has a kid and decides to stay home for five years to take care of it. And then, when the kid’s in kindergarten, the man says, ‘I’m out of here.’ If they were never married, he’s not obligated to give her a dime [beyond child support],” said Mr. Mandel. “If they were, he would have to give her rehabilitative maintenance so she can go out there and get a job. He’d have to pay her alimony, a whole bunch of things.”

Other legal benefits include equitable distribution of assets, inheritance and health coverage. And as Mr. Mandel made clear, the person who usually suffers in a non-married separation is the woman.

Take, for example, the case of Pam, who asked that we use only her first name. A fiery redheaded businesswoman and single mother, Pam could have very much used legal protection when she found out she was pregnant seven years ago and her boyfriend completely flaked. “He said, ‘I don’t love you and I don’t want to get married. What am I supposed to do with the other two girls I’m seeing?’” the 44-year-old remembered.

With the support of friends and family, Pam carried to term. Her partner didn’t show up at the hospital when she was delivering—on the birth certificate, under the line for “father,” there was just a blank space—and she has never received a single check from him, though they did resume their relationship for a period later on.

“I think if we were married and then divorced, there would be a custody and alimony arrangement,” she said. “My son would be better off because there would be more money coming in, and he would spend more time with my ex because he would be obligated to.”

Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn were way ahead of the no-marriage curve.

Now Pam’s ex has a perfunctory relationship with his son, but for weeks after the birth, he didn’t even acknowledge that he had one. And even then, she says, he demanded a paternity test, which came back positive. Still, he resisted putting his name on the birth certificate. And Pam admits she has not pressed the issue:

“The second I put his name on the birth certificate, I actually give him a vote, and for right now, even though it’s very difficult and I struggle financially and I’m lonely sometimes—more lonely than you can even imagine—[my son] goes to the school that I think he should go to, [he] goes to the after-school program that I think he should go to,” and so on.

Perhaps the one major theme among all the non-married parents we spoke with was a clear desire to do what was best for the kids. In fact, each couple at one point or another tried to give their relationship a last-gasp go of it, even when they knew it was doomed.

“My brother would constantly ask me if I was concerned about bringing a bastard child into the world,” remembered Mr. Strouse. “He didn’t mean it. He said it so casually. It was more his worry about society’s judgment than his own.”

But data does support the advantages of marriage. As the Child Trends website says, “statistics show [children born outside of marriage] are more likely to be poor, to experience multiple changes in family living arrangements, and to have cognitive and behavioral problems such as aggression and depression than are children born to married parents.”

Just last week, The Wall Street Journal published an article adapted from a joint report by the National Marriage Project, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, and the Relate Institute looking at the phenomenon of unmarried motherhood. “Without a stable family,” the piece reads, “[the children’s] chances of moving up the education and income ladder are stunted, which—in turn—reduces their odds of getting married as adults.”

Which brings us to the issue of relationship modeling.

“The cloudiness around our separation was definitely the worst part of our relationship, looking back,” said Mr. Strouse, adding that his 8-year-old daughter has already sworn off marriage. “Kids need to know what’s going on, and things were so unclear for so long, I think it was even more strange and confusing for the children.”

According to Pam, part of this spreading epidemic is due to too many people holding their prospective spouses to an unreasonably high standard, which leads to situations such as her own.

“Marriage is a business, in my opinion, and it has only been in the last 50 or so years that it has been about this love thing,” she said. “It’s like running a boring corporation. The people who think it’s different are the ones who end up getting divorced. People that go into it knowing that it’s a business, like Bill and Hillary Clinton, will last forever.”

Given that we can't watch the trial, we guess we're excited about Katie's next chapter too--her Oscar speech in 2014 will be terrific!

The happy couple in better times (Getty Images)

Kris Humphries is going to remain part of the Kardashian clan as long as he can: the New Jersey Nets player is refusing to sign the divorce papers on his 72-day marriage to Kim Kardashian until she "apologizes"for what he is claiming was a staged wedding and admits that their wedding was a for-profit only affair.

Several days ago, Mr. Humphries filed paperwork demanding to see how much money his wife "made" off their wedding and in the subsequent months. The New York Post has sources saying that for the NBA star, it's not all about the dollar$: Ms. Kardashian has allegedly offered $7 million for her separated hubby to "shut up and go away."

Collectively, we wouldn't mind pooling our money and making the same deal with the entire Kardashian family.

Sadly, your new space  is lacking that woman's touch: your loft is empty save the Playstation, beanbags and Miranda Kerr poster. What's a newly single man to do? Hire a post-divorce decorator, of course! A new class of designers are catering their business specifically toward hapless divorcees hoping to spruce up their new spaces, the New York Times reports.  While Kris Humpries may be the ideal customer for this new industry, some clients have more substantial concerns than scrubbing the eau de Kardashian out of the linens. Many divorcees have children, and they hope to use a well-decorated apartment to shield their young ones from the ugliness of a breaking family.

Divorced fathers, especially, often want their homes done quickly, to make the transition as smooth as possible for their children, which means they are apt to agree with her design decisions.

Designers are swooping in on this feng shui-starved population.

At least half of the newly divorced will need a new place to live, a new sofa and rug, new towels and coffee cups and prints to hang on the walls, and all the other trappings that make an apartment or a house into a home.

Better yet, wine and dine a decorator and get your new digs done up gratis!

eknutsen@observer.com

Heidi Klum and (soon to be ex?) husband Seal

Seal up the doors, stop all the clocks, let the roses wither without kisses from the grave and prepare to get a little crazy if you are ever going to survive this bombshell. TMZ, that august online resource of record in such matters, brings us the bad news: "Heidi Klum to File for Divorce From Seal." The horror escalates:

"Heidi will file divorce papers in L.A. County Superior Court as early as next week. We're told Heidi will cite 'irreconcilable differences' as the cause for the divorce."

The couple wedded in May of 2005 and as TMZ points out, have renewed their vows yearly on their anniversary.

The Daily Mail reports the Klum-Seals have 3 children ages 2-6 and were "last seen together" on December 27, when Heidi Klum tweeted a photo with her husband in the snow.

It did not necessarily seem like Seal's last tweet on Jan. 20 was referring to his impending divorce, but it now seems sadly appropriate:

The End. tadaa.im/wY0Zu #tadaa

— Seal (@Seal) January 20, 2012

[TMZ]

Candace Bushnell and Charles Askegard

Former New York Observer columnist and Sex and the City authoress Candace Bushnell has filed for divorce from her husband of nine years, Charles Askegard.

Ms. Bushnell, 53, and Mr. Askegard, 43, had reportedly been on the outs for some time, reported The New York Post. She had not attended her husband's opening performance at The Joyce Theater late last month.

Said the Carrie Bradshaw scribe in a statement:

"We had some wonderful times in our nine-year marriage, and I still care about Charles as a person. I respect his desire to pursue his own happiness and hope that we will continue to be friends in the future."

Ms. Bushnell, a serial single lady, was married in 2002, in what author Jay McInerney compared to " Johnny Carson retiring.’’

Kim Kardashian, courageous hero

By the time you read this, you might have already forgotten that Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce in the face of the news that Zooey Deschanel, the world's favorite hipster-with-bangs, is also getting a divorce. But just in case you hadn't forgotten, or for some reason were able to keep two celebrity divorces in your head at once, Ms. Kardashian has come out with an official statement on her blawg.

Best parts highlighted for your enjoyment:

I am trying not to read all the different media reports but it’s hard not to see all the negative ones. First and foremost, I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show! I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision. But it’s who I am! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments. These were all real moments. That’s what makes us who we are. We share, we give, we love and we are open!

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through. But I do know that I have to follow my heart. I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.

There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this. I’m so grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my wedding and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to the Dream Foundation.

I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am.

Wow, there is a lot to unpack here, especially since most of it is contradicting itself. So she definitely didn't get married because of TV but because of TV she didn't end the relationship when she should have? Her sister giving birth is a "real" moment, to be sure, but maybe it shouldn't be put in the same "real" category of your family's various other "break ups" and "make ups"? We don't know...just a thought.

Also, she definitely didn't make millions off the wedding* but did make enough off the presents alone that it's worth mentioning how she'll be donating all that cash to charity?
Guys, maybe we should just respect her courage on this one, which is definitely a thing people say in real life. "I hope you'll respect my courage." God bless you and our troops, Ms. Kardashian. Your divorce is definitely the struggle that defined our decade.

*Really? Where did that $12-15 million that E! paid for it go, then? How about the $2.5 million that People dished out for the wedding shots? Ms. Kardashian, you are somewhat of an astute businesswoman: to say that you didn't profit off your wedding which you sold to a television network and a soft glossy would make you seem even dumber than any media outlet could ever make you out to be.

Kardashian and Humphries.

It’s a Kard-astrophe! Only 72 days after reality entertainment star Kim Kardashian and her husband Brooklyn Nets (if that is their real name) NBA star Kris Humphries tied the knot, the duo is now filing for divorce. We really thought these two kids could make it…at least through another season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York.

Poor Kris: he’s apparently devastated over the idea that the love of his life…not to mention his ca-ching money train…is leaving the station so soon. Oh well, what’s the infamous saying? All’s fair in love and Dior.

So New York lost one Kardashian, but gained back Conan O’Brien, who performed live at the Beacon Theatre Monday night. Sounds like a fair trade to us! The fire-haired Coco told audiences that he “came 3,000 miles to do that” – where “that” referred to a visual gag involving a ghost human centipede. We can’t decide what’s more disturbing: that imagery or the fact that we missed it.

You’d think Coco would have roused all of the A-list guest-stars to appear for his NYC re-debut, but fans were (to put it nicely) mildly disappointed to find that the only name worth mentioning on last night’s roster was Mayor Bloomberg. What was he doing at the Beacon talking to Conan? Probably avoiding any rogue Occupy Wall Streeters planning to egg his house. But last night Hugh Jackman was on the lineup, and who doesn’t love the all-singing, all-dancing Wolverine Aussie?

That said, Mayor Bloomberg might not actually be the most frightening thing in the city this week: after CBS aired Morley Safer’s interview with Ruth and Andrew Madoff, we expected half of NYC to be outside the family’s door with torches. Finally, villains that both the rich and poor can loathe alike! What doesn’t divide us unites us. No one seems to believe that poor Mrs. Madoff wasn’t in on her husband’s Ponzi scheme, but we’re willing to entertain the possibility that they had one of those Kris Humphries-type marriages--where half the couple doesn’t even know when they’re about to be served with walking papers, Still, we aren’t heartless,and Mrs. Madoff’s description of her son Mark nearly produced a sympathetic tear or two. But then we imagined her drying her own tears with crisp $100 bills from the money she’s been allowed to keep. To be fair, she’s probably not alone. We imagine Kim Kardashian doing the same thing.

Kim Kardashian divorces Brooklyn

Only 72 days after Kim Kardashian ran down the isle to E!'s highest ratings yet, she and New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets husband Kris Humphries are filing for divorce. Of course, who should be able to confirm it first (besides TMZ) than Ryan Seacrest (who seriously drilled a pipeline into Ms. Kardashian's brain and thus knows everything about her life before anyone else does).

No! C'est non! How is this possible? These two had the whole world rooting for them...they were like America's Will and Kate...if no one knew who Prince William was and Kate Middleton was famous for making a sexy tape with Ray-Jay. There's really only one explanation. This is all Brooklyn's fault.

No, not Victoria Beckham's kid. We're talking about the borough, which Mrs. Kardashian-Humphries couldn't even spent two months in before freaking the eff out and taking the first flight back to Los Angeles. And who can blame her? TMZ is reporting that the two are splitting on the grounds of 'irreconcilable differences...' we'd say that the East Coast/West Coast divide is pretty irreconcilable.

Back in May after they first announced their engagement, Jason Gay of The Wall Street Journal predicted that seeing Kim around would be "the newest smug name drop" for snooty Brooklynites. But we could have told you that the voluptuous princess would have been too scared by the brownstones and fixed gear bikes to last very long out in non-Manhattan. While Kim made a valiant effort to be "seen" having a "good time" out at least one borough landmark -- the Brooklyn Bridge Park -- her presence in BK stayed pretty much under wraps. In fact, Kim didn't even move into Brooklyn: she and Kris were staying in the Gansevoort until they could settle down on a place.

Someone should have reminded Kim that The Hurricane Club is only two transfers from Carroll Gardens...even less if you go there by helicopter.