- Riva Froymovich

What Crate and Barrel didn’t know—and is only just learning—is that the note had been placed there by a freelance photo assistant and conceptual artist named Marc Horowitz. Last January, while working on a photo shoot at Crate and Barrel’s Chicago headquarters, Mr. Horowitz embedded his name and cell-phone number into the catalog’s pages to promote his latest art project, The National Dinner Tour II, in which he travels the country and solicits dinner dates from strangers to create a "social sculpture."

Mr. Horowitz—who is 28 and lives in San Francisco (for a recent project, Coffee in the Park, he doled out coffee in San Francisco’s Alamo Square Park with a coffee pot powered by 1,300 feet of extension cord plugged into his apartment wall)—said he scrawled his number on the whiteboard without the company’s knowledge. "It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing," he said. "When I was on the shoot, I saw that I could post my number and thought, ‘Hey, this is free advertising!’ So I jumped on it. The day the catalog came out, my phone started ringing. It hasn’t stopped since. I have more than 75 dinners set up on this tour; last time, I only did 15."

Mr. Horowitz will arrive in New York in February, when the National Dinner Tour II kicks off. Already, the city’s single women have found his number and, sans even a Friendster profile, are lining up for dates.

"I hate all the 555 numbers they put in movies—they’re all fakes," said Kelly Chilton, a designer at O magazine who has a date with Mr. Horowitz in February. "I call numbers I see—if I think they’re real. That’s why I called this one. And then I read on his Web site about what he was doing, and I was worried he was already booked up. But he didn’t have anyone from Brooklyn, so I made it in!"

Ms. Chilton, who recently got out of a long-term relationship and has begun dating again, said she doesn’t often go out with strangers, and that her last date was at Megu about two weeks ago.

"I went on this date a few weeks ago. It occurred to me then: I can go out to dinner with anyone. Especially if it’s a stranger. I love talking to new people! When I heard about this dinner date, I wasn’t nervous at all to sign up."

Panayiota Bertzikis, a 20-year-old F.I.T. grad who owns a cosmetics store in Mount Kisco, spotted Mr. Horowitz’s number while perusing the Crate and Barrel catalog on the Metro North commute back to her home on the Upper East Side.

"I thought it was a company promotion when I saw his number and called," she said. "So I agreed to go out with him. I mean, it made it into Crate and Barrel, so he has to be safe, right?"

"I just got back from San Francisco, and I recognized the 510 number as a San Francisco number," said Jill Wittnebel, a project manager for a graphic branding firm who lives in the Gramercy area. "I thought, That’s weird—why would Crate and Barrel have a California number in there?" Ms. Wittnebel is a member of two Internet dating sites (Lavalife and eHarmony), which she described as "not very inspirational," and became determined to join Mr. Horowitz for dinner. She dialed and redialed his number.

"I called twice!" she said. "I felt, I just have to be this guy’s dinner date!"

Evelyn Figueroa, a social worker from the Bronx who last went on a date in August, had her teenage daughters sign her up for an evening with Mr. Horowitz.

"They are always looking for someone for me. They say I work too hard and that I hardly have time to date," said Ms. Figueroa. "So when we called, I didn’t think it would be a real person. I thought it was some advertising incentive, put in there to see how closely people look in the catalog. Kind of like a Where’s Waldo? thing—what are the chances of it being a real person? I thought it would be an answering machine and I’d been hoaxed."

Mr. Horowitz is no stranger to creative advertising. A native of Westerville, Ohio, he holds a bachelor’s degree in marketing from the University of Indiana and is somewhat adroit at coaxing his wacky eccentricities into the media. With his Crate and Barrel spot, he has constructed a powerful viral marketing ploy. Fueled by Crate and Barrel’s seven-figure circulation, and now a word-of-mouth and blog campaign, Mr. Horowitz’s latest effort has pushed the second installment of his dinner tour well past the scope of the original project, a modest effort with a $1,000 budget that included only four cities. This time, Mr. Horowitz will crisscross the country trailed by Clark Caldwell, a documentarian who has produced films for CourtTV. Mr. Horowitz hopes to net a movie or book deal.

"I wanted to take it to another level, so I popped it into the Crate and Barrel catalog to see what would happen," Mr. Horowitz said. "I wanted to reach a larger audience—as an independent artist with a limited budget, it’s not easy to put yourself out there. And when the opportunity presented itself to piggyback on Crate and Barrel’s existing marketing network, I combined my own nonprofit network with their commercial interests."

Kathy Paddor, Crate and Barrel’s director of marketing and advertising, was unaware of Mr. Horowitz’s presence in the catalog when contacted by The Observer, and she quickly added that Mr. Horowitz’s posting was not sanctioned by the company.

"This was the first time we heard about this," she said. "Are we going forward with this kind of marketing initiative? No. This is not something we would go forward with."

—Gabriel Sherman

No Jon Stewart

The following publications have not published features about The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Please get cracking.

Knit ’N Style

Inside Kung-Fu

Gun Dog

Managed Healthcare Executive

Mini Truckin’

Radio Control Boat Modeler

Swap Meet

Log Home Living

Corvette Fever

Columbia J-School Students Terrify Locals

A few weeks before graduating from the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism two years ago, Shelley Preston was asked by the yearbook committee for a quote capturing her Columbia experience. "It was an easy choice," said Ms. Preston, who now works for a Florida newspaper. "Being a student journalist covering big-city news, you feel like you’re playing make-believe. It’s like, ‘Hi, I’m a pretend journalist writing a pretend story—do you mind taking a few hours out of your day to talk to me?’"

Ms. Preston chose a quote she’d gotten from a secretary for State Assembly member Joseph Lentol, who had cut off an inquisitive Ms. Preston after she identified herself as a Columbia student. "Oh no, no, no. Oh, God help me," said the secretary. "It’s that time again? You people come around and bother us every year and don’t write shit."

As loath as some students might be to admit it, the secretary has a point. As part of the required Reading and Writing 1 course, new Columbia J-schoolers have to put together a "beat note"—a long and detailed memo outlining potential sources and story ideas. The only way they can complete the assignment is by working the phones, pestering community activists and public officials in a particular neighborhood for information. Since multiple students are often assigned to the same neighborhood, officials and activists face a torrent of calls. One community board chair, Martin Collins, said he’s heard from about 50 students so far this year.

"Every fall it’s like—what’s that movie?— The Day of the Locust," said Walter Delgado, president of the Audubon Partnership in Washington Heights. "At one point, I almost called the school to let them know it was getting out of hand."

Mr. Delgado never called, but the school still got the message.

"We know people sometimes get hugely irritated at J-schoolers," said Bruce Porter, special assistant to the dean of Columbia’s J-School and author of the nonfiction book Blow, later made into a film starring Johnny Depp. "We labor over it every fall; there’s just no way around it. The only people who actually want to talk to Columbia students are people who are oppressed and getting screwed and need somebody to complain to."

Last year, Mr. Porter sent an e-mail to the student body asking students to "not hound" the New York Police Department for materials, such as press releases, that they could get elsewhere. "The police are going through a stage of trying to be nice to the school," Mr. Porter wrote, "and we don’t want to irritate them needlessly."

Around the same time that Mr. Porter sent the e-mail, a police supervisor accused a Columbia student of stealing a detective’s notebook. (The student denied the theft, and the conflict was never resolved.)

And then there are the everyday issues. "I went out to Mott Haven, in the South Bronx, to do a ride-along with the police," said J-schooler Richard Morgan. "I got all the way out there, waited an hour, and then they decided they wouldn’t take me out." Why? "They said they’d run out of bulletproof vests," he said. His efforts at rescheduling didn’t go particularly well, either: "They don’t like it when you say, ‘I can’t do it that night because I have class.’" (Ultimately, he did get to go on a "watered-down" ride-along.)

While some students have been able to talk to individual detectives, official channels are drying up. "At this point," said Mr. Porter, "we don’t encourage students to contact [the NYPD public-information office], because they likely aren’t going to deal with them at all."

The J-schoolers have some tactics for keeping their low-on-the-totem-pole status obscured. "They tell us to say we’re reporters from Columbia University—not students," said Wendy Leung. "But people want to know where a story is going to be published, and so you end up telling them you’re a student. And then they don’t want to talk to you."

The hardest people to deal with, many students said, are those on community boards. After filling up a cup of coffee in the J-school lounge, student Mara Altman described her experience. "You go up to them after a meeting, and when you tell them the story isn’t going to print, they’re like, ‘Mmmmm,’" said Ms. Altman, adopting an exaggerated frown.

Zead Ramadan, former chairman of Manhattan Community Board 12, said the students sometimes expected too much. "They’d come in, and I’d sit there for an hour answering a slew of very obvious questions that they could have gotten from a pamphlet," he said. "Some of them would get offended if you weren’t immediately responsive, because they think you’re pompous, that you’re caught up in your power." Like many people who regularly deal with J-school students, Mr. Ramadan learned to organize one meeting per semester to which all students were invited. If a student missed it, he said, they were out of luck.

Mr. Ramadan, however, isn’t unsympathetic to students who have to depend on the kindness of strangers. "You get frustrated sometimes," said Matt Goad, who worked for newspapers in North Carolina before enrolling at Columbia. "You’re sent out on these stories—the professor wants you to do this, talk to this person, and you just feel like you’re not being taken seriously. It’s hard to go from working somewhere and getting paid and being productive, to paying and having people not take you seriously."

"There’s this pressure of being in school in New York and being flooded with this sense that you’re doing this very important thing," added Mr. Morgan. "The faculty sends you this message that you should earn your keep by doing really gritty street-level reporting. But the students are unfamiliar with it."

Many Columbia students hail from neighborhoods that don’t look much like those they’re assigned to report on. "You get to your neighborhood, get out of the subway and look around, like: ‘O.K., now what?’" said Ms. Leung. Not surprisingly, they tend to approach potential sources with relatively broad questions, at least at the beginning.

"They’re told to look for a story on sanitation issues or gang violence or something like that," said Michele Morazan of Alianza Dominicana in Washington Heights. "And they really don’t know what to focus on, or what’s going on in the area. It’s not like where they are on campus, maybe. They’re not sure what to ask." Ms. Morazan said she tries to be accommodating, but it isn’t always easy, particularly when she gets multiple calls from students each week: "I mean, we don’t have a press office—I’m the press office."

Mike Fitelson, editor of the Washington Heights–based Manhattan Times newspaper, said some of the more industrious students have called to pick his brain. "They want to know everything about the neighborhood," he said. "And I’m happy to help." The only problem? "I’ve had people [in the community] ask me to not give their name to students anymore."

A couple years ago, representatives from Sustainable South Bronx gave Columbia students a bus tour to let them know what was going on in the neighborhood. "Since then," said Elena Conte of Sustainable South Bronx, "we’ve been pretty popular. We didn’t realize the Pandora’s box we were opening up."

In the Bronx, however, many residents welcome the students, in large part because they put out a real weekly newspaper, The Bronx Beat. "One of the things I like about The Bronx Beat is that the students are expected to get their facts correct and their quotes correct, so they really make an effort to be accurate," said Margaret Hetley, a librarian in Hunt’s Point. "They cover a lot of stuff which is not covered in other ways, and any way we can help that out is great." Ms. Hetley sees so many students, she joked, that the school should pay her for it.

Projects like The Bronx Beat and the Columbia News Service (a news wire affiliated with The New York Times), which both run in the spring semester, get students’ work read outside Columbia’s rarefied halls. But that’s little solace to those who feel like they’re just treading water before grabbing their credential and moving on to bigger things.

"There aren’t a lot of aspiring Jimmy Breslins at Columbia," said Corey Pein, who graduated last year and now works as a fellow at Columbia Journalism Review. "Most of them would rather write 6,000-word epics in The New Yorker than hang around some City Council meeting in Queens."

Of course, upon graduation, many will be hanging around City Council meetings—if not in Queens, then somewhere else. Until then, they’ll keep asking strangers to talk about their lives, alternatively adopting the pose of a big-city reporter and of a kid just trying to do his homework.

"We’re supposed to act like professional journalists, but we’re not," said Ms. Leung. "We can’t say, ‘You’ll see your name in print.’ All we can say is, ‘I’ll read it, and so will my professor.’"

—Brian Montopoli

(Brian Montopoli works for the Columbia Journalism Review. He didn’t go to journalism school.)

How about a Quickie? Diana Quick stars tonight in a one-woman show, The Woman Destroyed . She also happens to have translated the play from Simone de Beauvoir's French into English. We caught up with Ms. Quick in a cab "taking the scenic route all the way around the city." Ms. Quick-the first female president of the Oxford University Dramatic Society during the 60's, keeping company with the Pythons -is best recognized round these parts for playing the character of Julia Flyte in the 1980's Brideshead Revisited series alongside Jeremy Irons. She said she chose this particular play, only running until Saturday, because it is "about a character who is hardly ever dramatized: of a certain age, of a certain class …. It is a morality tale about women who rely on others to give themselves a certain sense of value . Women who have never given in and get very, very pissed off with the world." Sounds dire? "I hope it's funny, too. Which is always good …. " Meanwhile, Financier Michael Gardner walks off the Street and into the "Have A Heart" gala, where he's been piped for his dedication to animal rights. He'll shake paws with Lorraine Bracco (whose grating monotone is for some reason driving us nuts on The Sopranos this season; P.S.: watch out for her disaffected daughter, Stella Keitel ), Queer Eye scream queen Carson Kressley , the Kissingers and the ageless Jerry Orbach, who hasn't changed a bit since putting Baby in the corner .

[ The Woman Destroyed , 59E59 Theatre, 59 East 59th Street, 2 and 8 p.m., 212-279-4200; Have a Heart gala, the Metropolitan Club, 1 East 60th Street, 6 p.m., 212-675-9474.]

Thursday 13 th

Remember ethics? Tonight we crash the New York Society for Ethical Culture , which fêtes the bicentennial of Ralph Waldo Emerson . "I didn't really pay much attention to him when I was young," said Dr. John Hollander, poet/scholar, who finally found Waldo in his early 30's. "I was given 'Self Reliance' to read at school, and I just couldn't read him . I couldn't grasp the immensity and complexity of it, and I just wasn't interested ." Yale's Sterling Professor of English emeritus hops the great silver bullet (Metro-North) and ca-chugs into town to host tonight's transcendental gig. "So much about America comes out of Emerson-sometimes well-taken, and sometimes trivially so," the professor continued. "He was a man full of paradox, and when one can generate paradox, it can lead to a great deal of hokey things . He is a monumental source for so much in American thought, and so many things can be traced to him; particularly in the late part of the 20th century, which is when I think Emersonian tradition arose again-although the fashionable high modernism after World War I didn't have much use for him. Eliot was very ambivalent, even hostile to him, in a way." If you're an art ninny, dust off those Francis of Assisi sandals and make sure your jewelry announces you several blocks ahead as you clank over to Lot 61's Flips Fund Benefit . Expect Anna-Louise Clegg (Lulu Guinness mastermind and secret dreadlock champion) , transplant ethno-rahs (you know: posh types with trust funds who put beads in their hair) and scores of Sykes spouses . Sculptress Sasha ("Mrs. Tom") Sykes auctions off some fancy straw concoction, and photographer Chris ("Mr. Alice Sykes") Floyd one of his precious prints. And all this for a little school in India. Meanwhile : Before the Schneiders , Feys and Fallons , when everyone still did heroin , had sex with Dan Aykroyd, and actually wrote and performed funny material , SNL was a different, edgier place. But then its grand dame, the irreplaceable Gilda Radner, died of cancer, and now there's Gilda's Club, courtesy of the husband left behind, Gene Wilder . Tonight, glossy and freckled Julianne Moore hosts the club's benefit at the Mandarin Oriental, assisted by cheerful lap dog/husband Bart Freundlich .

[R.W. Emerson Bicentennial Festival, New York Society for Ethical Culture, 2 West 64th Street, 7 p.m., 212-279-4200; Flips Fund Benefit, Lot 61, 550 West 21st Street, 7:30 to 10:30 p.m., by invitation only; Gilda's Club Worldwide Gala, Mandarin Oriental, 80 Columbus Circle, 7 p.m., 212-921-9070.]

Friday 14th

Crate and Barrel-chested: Just when you thought Starbucks shall inherit the earth , Crate and Barrel starts multiplying like the wet Mogwai in Gremlins . The latest incarnation pops up on Broadway today, where the folks behind the super-duper Cooper-Hewitt are laying out the cheese cubes and cocktail weenies in hopes you'll put down for a strategically distressed chest of drawers . Ten percent of the proceeds go to the aforementioned design museum, so bring your checkbook and Phoebe Cates. Speaking of Broadway , Australian jackeroo Hugh Jackman hands out kudos to director George C. Wolfe and Wonderful Town star Donna Murphy at the Drama League Awards Luncheon. Mistress of ceremonies and cheery stage sprite Kristen Chenoweth slips her feet into some five-inchers.

[Crate and Barrel, 611 Broadway, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m., 212-849-8425; Drama League Awards Luncheon, Grand Hyatt, 42nd Street and Park Avenue, 1 p.m., www.dramaleague.org.]

Saturday 15th

N'Awlins comes to N'Yawk: You've been waiting all year for this : A Crawfish Boil bubbles over at the South Street Seaport. "We're expecting 400 people for an authentic New Orleans meal-including corn, potatoes, sausage, gumbo, shrimp-and there's beer from a Louisiana microbrewery," said a flack for the sponsor, Slow Food USA. Chef Randall Montegut of Bon Creole Seafood is driving a half-ton of "mudbugs" all the way from New Iberia, La. "He's got a big truck. There's no other way!"

[Crawfish Boil, South Street Seaport, Pier 17 Building, third-floor atrium, 1 to 4 p.m., 212-965-5640, slowfoodusa.org.]

Sunday 16th

Fat as a house, and it's almost bathing-suit season? Cheer up, tubbo ! The 92nd Street Y's Pre-Summer Health and Fitness Fair has sculpting classes like the Brazilian Butt Lift , Brazilian Tummy Tuck (we're not sure if these classes are only for those with "Brazilian" wax jobs), Sensuous Pilates and Feldenkrais -which sounds like the name of that guy you slept with at Oktoberfest . And since we're all going to be walking a little more thanks to the taxi-fare hike , stroll over to Central Park for the annual AIDS Walk New York , a 10K trek that starts in the Sheep Meadow. For those who think AIDS is history, well, history has a funny way of repeating itself.

[Pre-Summer Health and Fitness Fair, 92nd Street Y May Center for Health, Fitness, and Sport, 92nd Street and Lexington Avenue, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., 212-415-5729; AIDS Walk New York, meet at the Sheep Meadow, entrance at 67th Street and Central Park West, 9:15 a.m., www.aidswalk.net.]

Monday 17th

What is it about architects and springtime? The city is turned out in T-Squares tonight. First, "A Private Preview of Italy" this evening, foreshadowing a show this fall of the works of architect Andrea ("Villa Rotunda") Palladio , the fellow who brought back classical Greek architecture in the 1500's. Then ride your Vespa over to the YIVO Institute for Jewish Research, where be-spectacled architect Daniel Libeskind and poet Chava Alberstein will be honored for their global achievements. Later, fashion toadies gather at the Maritime to toast "emerging talent" Derek Lam (dusty opulence), Zac Posen ( Pirates of Penzance meets meatpacking district circa 2002) and Patrick Robinson (populist chic), all of whom have been nominated for the CFDA's 2004 Perry Ellis Awards . We caught up with the delightfully composed Mr. Lam in his West Coast studio and found out that his being nominated for such an award "never crossed my mind"-and while he's been in the schmattes trade for more than a decade, he was "ready to wait for any acknowledgment whatsoever." Mr. Lam's approach, he said, is simply to ask himself, "How do I want my friends to dress?" How is he prepping for the award ceremony? "To make sure I've brushed my teeth."

[A Private Preview of Italy, New York School of Interior Design, 170 East 70th Street, 646-654-0085; "From Poland to Israel and Then to the World," the Center for Jewish History, 15 West 16th Street, 6 p.m., 212-246-6080; Perry Ellis Awards Nominees Celebration, La Bottega Caffé, Maritime Hotel, 366 West 16th Street, 7 to 9 p.m., by invitation only.]

Tuesday 18th

Hello, sailor! Back at the Maritime -which will never be " over" because you can smoke there- fashion and rock mate at tonight's filthy slap-up , as Mossy flies in ( sans Baby-Papa) from London to celebrate Picture This: Debbie Harry & Blondie , the ubiquitous photographer Mick Rock's homage to the ageless Ms. Harry. And in more proof that life post- Apprentice is one big party , former apprentice Sam Solovey has temporarily shelved the whole "I'm going to be the boss of the world" thing to give acting a try. He guest-stars in Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding , which at 16 years running has lasted longer than every other marriage in this town. He got on the line from his home in Chevy Chase, Md., where he's busy planning his own wedding in August. "More than the role, it was the opportunity to work with a great cast of performers and do something a little different," he said of the acting gig. "I wanted to extend some of the excitement of The Apprentice ." Is he noivous? "I tend to most comfortable when other people are uncomfortable, so I think I'll be fine." Perhaps he needs to reread his Emerson ….

[ Picture This , Hiro Ballroom, Maritime Hotel, 366 West 16th Street, 9 p.m., by invitation only; Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding , St. Luke's Church, 308 West 46th Street, 7 p.m., 212-352-3101.]

Wednesday 19th

We're fluffing up our $10 knockoff mini-kilt (the one we bust out occasionally to titillate the senior editors) and skipping over to Cipriani, where there's a lunch following Burberry's trotting out of its fall/winter schmatte this morning. That means Newsweek editor Lally ("Lolli") Weymouth clanks sickly sweet bellinis with co-host Jessica Seinfeld , who knows a thing or two about marrying well. Make sure to put yourself down on the list for the gold trench. Take a soggy and snoggy nap and then make sure not to miss Daniel Schwarz talking about Damon Runyon . We spoke with Mr. Schwarz, modernist scholar and relic of Cornell's English department, at his upstate residence where, he quipped, "people actually have space for more than one telephone." "Runyon created the image we have of New York: He invented underworld chic, from the gangster characters we all know and love to the fast-talking Woody Allen character of Broadway Danny Rose , right through the Sex and the City gals," said Mr. Schwarz, adding that Runyon was famous "like Dan Rather!" And how come we all watch The Sopranos , sir? "We identify with the mobsters because they fulfill our fantasy of settling our problems without issue-our sublimated desire for an estrangement of the duties of a respectable society. Secretly, we all want to throw people out the window."

[Burberry Preview Luncheon, Cipriani, 110 East 42nd Street, 11:30, by invitation only; "Broadway Boogie-Woogie: Damon Runyon and the Making of New York City Culture," Reading Room, Mercantile Library, 17 East 47th Street, 6 p.m., 212-755-6710]

Remember the days when single people were lording it over this town with their strappy sandals and $10 cocktails and saucy cynicism? No more. This Valentine's Day, it's a cold, cold time to be alone. For better or worse, Manhattan has gone marriage mad. Whether love really has come to town-or whether the cruel combination of frigid serial dating and a scary economy has simply driven New Yorkers to give up and say 'I Do" when they don't-the betrothal business is booming.

"I have never had so many wedding inquiries," said Lawrence Harvey, executive director of catering at the Plaza Hotel for 14 years. "I've never seen this volume."

"I've seen a trend of 25-year-olds acting like 29-year-olds, acting like their biological clocks are about to tick out," said Dr. Michael Grove, a couples counselor on the Upper East Side. Indeed, downtown at the new Crate & Barrel on Houston Street, happy, chunky-scarf-clad young couples can be seen prowling the aisles-according to the store, its New York City registry traffic is up 30 percent. And even in this arid economy, the quarterly Martha Stewart Weddings -the glossy secret indulgence of many local female intelligentsia-is publishing a fifth issue for the first time ever.

An of course we're bathing in TV love (the cranky, cozy cocoon of The Osbournes , the crass, mesmerizing pageantry of Joe Millionair e and The Bachelorette ); movie love (Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon), literary love (the determinedly boho Dave Eggers is rumored to be engaged), mogul love (Gerald Levin, Sumner Redstone), and even hot throbbing New York Times love (executive editor Howell Raines all the way down to food writer Amanda Hesser).

"Dating just seems really stagnant now, instead of marriage seeming stagnant," said Rick Marin, author of Cad: Confessions of a Toxic Bachelor , who's marrying lifestyle consultant Ilene Rosensweig.

"If you're getting married, then it means you found true love," said Ms. Rosenswieg, "and that's a new status thing."

Brothers in armoires: O.K., are we at war or what ? Because while the rest of the country has turned Republican and while fashion editors are marching around officiously in Marc Jacobs peacoats and the modern workplace seems to be crawling with predator drones, we don't exactly see any rationing or fireside chats , you know? But mass good taste is intact, as a 41,300-square-foot Crate & Barrel opens in the former Cable Building downtown, making sure the self-satisfied, tasteful couples that pour out of the Angelika have enough armoires, ottomans, convertible sofas …. Tonight, a preview party with the inevitable martini bar and drag queens; proceeds benefit DIFFA, a worthy AIDS charity. Meanwhile, Art & Auction magazine uncorks its "power" issue-'tis the season-at the new, 30,000-foot Chelsea Art Museum , a sort of boutique Whitney. "One of my staff went down there for a meeting yesterday and said they're still hammering away," said A&A editor in chief Bruce Wolmer with some concern. "I hope they can get it done-otherwise it will be a rave!" Wrong century, Brucie!

[Crate & Barrel store opening, corner of Broadway and Houston, 7 p.m., $50 a

ticket, 367-6937; Chelsea Art Museum opening, 556 West 22nd Street, 7 p.m.,

by invitation only, 255-0719.]

Before Paulie Walnuts … Citywide Sopranos fixation reaching near saturation point, hel- lo : The AMC channel , a once-reliable source for Cary Grant movies which is now trying to be "hip," hosts a panel discussion about Goodfellas …. The panel will be led by the movie's author, Nick Pileggi , with the picture's director, Martin Scorsese , and stars Robert De Niro, Ray Liotta and-live via satellite- Joe Pesci …. Remember when the city was obsessed with Irish stuff (Frank McCourt, Gabriel Byrne, Riverdance, Terry Golway )? When is it going to be cool to be a Jew?

[UA Battery Park Stadium, 102 North

End Avenue, 6 p.m., by invitation only, 917-597-2055.]

Thursday 14th

Quinn, pushing tin: Oh boy , November is when the galas (and the gals!) get super-"kooky" : tonight, for example, Stanley Tucci (actor bearing down hard on the benefit circuit), Julianne Moore (beatific actress) and Aidan Quinn (that blue-eyed guy from Desperately Seeking Susan ) proclaim the winners of a " Canstruction" competition-sculptures of canned goods that will then be distributed to the Food Bank. Andy Warhol would surely have dug the huge Marilyn Monroe sculpture made out of five-bean soup, Libby's pumpkin purée and roast-beef hash …. Meanwhile, at the Plaza , thinking woman's sex object Charles Grodin hosts a gala for Gilda's Club , the cancer charity devoted to the memory of the dearly departed comedienne Gilda Radner. If you're like us, you'll get all "dolled up" and " jazzed" about going, then wind up sending a check and staying home with your nose buried in Live from New York , the recently published and mesmerizing oral history of Saturday Night Live.

[Canstruction, New York Design Center, 200 Lexington Avenue, 6 p.m., by invitation only, 792-4666; Gilda's Club, Plaza, Fifth Avenue at Central Park South, 6 p.m., 647-9700.]

If you're gay- can't say we blame ya ! Power-list mania continues apace with Out magazine's Out 100 party - Out brass were less than forthcoming about the details, thank you , so let's flounce out to Williamsburg instead for the premiere of Dance-o-matic , a performance piece devoted to the color pink, with dancers in ruffled hot pants and fuchsia feather boas ,pinkribbons, pink lights. "It's

a little bit bitter and witty and cynical," said bubbly choreographer Brian Brooks , 28. "There's some kind of -I don't want to say stunts, but there's a bit of daredevil …. It's just nodding to all the pink things-baby girls, flamingos and, you know, homosexuality and carnations and hearts and little teddy bears …. It emits all of that, and we throw it out and just kind of celebrate the fun of the color. It's like a big piece of bubble gum- you just want

to eat it."

[ Out 100, Ace Gallery, 275 Hudson Street, 8 p.m., by invitation only, 242-8100; Dance-o-matic , 205 North Seventh Street, Williamsburg, 8 p.m., 718-599-7997.]

Friday 15th

How to avoid the stampede of little boys with scarves and owlish expressions going to see the Harry Potter sequel: Duck into a showing of Standing in the Shadows of Motown , a splendid documentary about the hit her to-unsung Funk Brothers , the genius band of studio musicians who played the backbeat for "My Cherie Amour," "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing" and scores of others-basically every good song that's ever been recorded and then ripped off for a salad-dressing commercial or "grooved" to by fat white baby boomers at their weddings …. Bring scads of Kleenex .

[777-FILM.]

Saturday 16th

Still more proof that a shell-shocked New York is sinking fast into a mashed-potatoes morass of "comfort food": Gourmet magazine and Grand Central are co-hosting a brunch party for Automat , a new book about the now-defunct coin-operated restaurants co-written by Horn & Hardart heiress Marianne Hardart. "People want them back," said Ms. Hardart, 37, from her day job at N.Y.U. Medical Center. "And I don't think you could ever replicate it. That you could sit with a stranger-that whole feeling of the way people ate-you could never replicate that today. Horn and Hardart didn't want to sacrifice the quality; otherwise, they could have been all over the country. People would've been ruing it: ' Eww , that's Horn & Hardart, they're everywhere- get them out of France!'" Oui .

[Pershing Square Café, Park Avenue at 42nd Street, by invitation only, 572-2535.]

Sunday 17th

90's revival watch! You remember folksy pop star Lisa Loeb, of "Stay (I Missed You)" fame- who, with her cat's-eye glasses and dour early-90's mien, resembled your husband's last girlfriend before he settled down with you. She called from a minivan somewhere in New Hampshire to talk about her new album, Hello Lisa , which is mostly a retread of her last album, Cake and Pie -except on a new "boutique" label. "I just felt like it was time," said Ms. Loeb, a deadpan 34. "It was complicated, but I felt like it was time to take more of a hands-on and creative approach. With the major label, I felt, like, sort of impersonal-and I have to say, all the promises and the positive things that they were saying weren't necessarily happening , and I don't have time for that anymore, you know?" Oh, we know, honey, we know. What's it like living in L.A. with boyfriend Dweezil Zappa and their cats, Chinchy Morty and the Baby Jackson ? (Jesus, what a parade of freaks.) "It's nice to have a house with a yard and animals and space ," she replied. "It's very suburban. I like to knit and play Sims. I tried to knit him a scarf, and although we agreed on the colors before I made it for him, it looked a little too girly , so I kept it for myself " Are she and Dweezil gettin' hitched? "I don't know-that's a good question. You and my mom can talk about it." Tonight, Ms. Loeb plays the Bottom Line. Bring yer knitting!

[15 West Fourth Street, 7:30 and 10:30 p.m., 228-6300.]

Monday 18th

New York is nostalgia town! See Automat party, above, and also tonight's reasonably priced benefit for the Moth , a group of literary gadabouts that, to all appearances, prefer going out and "spinning yarns" to actually staying home and reading, er, books . In a telling retort to aforementioned Sopranos saturation, the evening has a decidedly Irish flavor: Celebrity Rosie O'Donnell is hosting; memoirist Frank McCourt is telling stories, writer-actress Shelagh Ratner is doing some of her improv. Auction items include a pie-baking lesson with J.D. Salinger's gamine and frightening ex, Joyce Maynard . The evening has a 1920's theme .

[120 West 43rd Street, 7 p.m., 292-0907.]

Scoop-doop-dee-doop! Stefani Greenfield is an owner of the clothing store Scoop -where jeans became a $100 animal -and called to tell us about the party she's throwing to open her new men's store on the Upper East Side. "It won't be a dainty party … great rocking music, mini-burgers, mini-fries, mini–grilled cheeses, a beer bar." We'll say it again: Burp . And what's the lowdown on men's fall fashion? "A great jean," she said, "an ankle-zip boot, a shearling jacket as opposed to coat, any bomber jacket or parka, and a yummy turtleneck sweater, kind of with a Nordic feeling." Time to get some nog started.

[1275 Third Avenue, 7 p.m., by invitation only, 917-351-8600.]

Tuesday 19th

Still smoking? Are you insane ? Benefit action tonight includes a "strolling supper" to benefit the Joan Scarangello Foundation to Conquer Lung Cancer . Your honorary chairmen include all your TV-anchor substitute-father figures : Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, Dan Rather and Aaron Brown-plus himbo Brian Williams…. " Meanwhile-this justin!-downtown there's one more chance to get your man out of ink-stained khakis, puffy white sneakers and "deconstructed" blazers, as Today Show style contributor Lloyd Boston celebrates his new book, Make Over Your Man: The Woman's Guide to Dressing Any Man in Her Life- see soft-core porn visual excerpt, above.

[Joan's Legacy, Times Square Studios, 1500 Broadway, 6:30 p.m., 741-2977; Make Over Your Man , Tommy Hilfiger

SoHo, 372 West Broadway, 7 p.m.,

by invitation only, 548-6610.]

Wednesday 20th

Spritzer with Spitzer? Get ready for some ice water and forced "banter" : The jolly potbellies of Time Inc. are having a luncheon to drum up speculation about who should be Person of the Year, moderated by Time managing editor and silver tiger Jim Kelly. Invitations just went out , but freshly re-elected State Attorney General and possible 2006 guber natorial candidate Eliot Spitzer has already eagerly RSVP'd. "I think the audience is a mixture of movers and shakers , I guess-to use a phrase I really don't like to use," Mr. Kelly said. "I hope it will be scintillating and not the least bit dry ." To the contrary-our media columnist always comes out of these things totally wasted and usually passes the night in jail.

[Four Seasons Grill Room, 11:45 a.m.,

by invitation only.]