Or put another way: Have you felt left out, as others made hundreds of millions in stock options, bonuses and retention payments-cashing out on top-while you held onto those measly, pathetic 100 underperforming shares of Lucent, Enron, WorldCom and Global Crossing, hoping against hope that somehow, some way, some day, the stocks wouldn't go any lower?

Well … you can't win 'em all. But put away that Prozac. Because there's a new financial-management company in town, and we want your business.

INTRODUCING INFECTIOUS GREED ASSOCIATES

At Infectious Greed Associates (formerly known as Irrational Exuberance Capital Management), we know what it's like to lose money.

In fact, we've lost trillions of dollars over the past 18 months.

And now, we'd like to lose some of yours.

That's right-we said "lose." We won't kid you: From top to bottom-from Harvey Pitt to the trading pits-the market is 100 percent corrupt.

A NEW KIND OF TRANSPARENCY

At Infectious Greed, we'll be the first to admit that the old adage "Historically, the market is your best investment" is a complete lie. It's statistical gibberish, based on the market as a whole, while you own individual stocks.

We also know that the daily explanation for stock-market activity is a hilarious fiction: The phrase "stocks moved higher today on falling interest rates" has roughly the same relation to reality as claiming "stocks were down today because of heightened sunspot activity."

And we know how crazy it was to put any faith-or trust-in the likes of Merrill Lynch. From Henry Blodget's e-mails, to using the comedian Steve Martin as the voice in their advertising, the joke was always on you.

The AOL Time Warner merger? Merrill thought it was brilliant. Jean-Marie Messier's Vivendi strategy? Inspired. And the best yet: Quoted in The New York Times on May 23-yes, just two months ago-a Merrill media analyst said of Gemstar's accounting, "I don't know that it's fraudulent," but that it was "misleading." Nevertheless, she rated the stock as a "near-term strong buy."

Since then, Gemstar has fallen by 50 percent.

Sure, that's bad. But trust us: We can do worse.

YOUR LOSS IS ALWAYS OUR GAIN

At Infectious Greed, we realize that we've entered a new financial era-one that cries out for honesty and full disclosure. Thus, we're pleased to offer the following investment opportunities:

Blind Trust Capital (formerly known as "The Cheney Fund"): You give us your money. We take it to a secret location. You never see it again. Sound simple? You bet. Trust us: You may go broke. But Dick-and his friends-always make out, "Big Time."

The Fritter Group : Every day, we buy some stocks and sell some stocks. Not too many. And not too wisely. But like water dripping from a leaky faucet, we slowly dissipate your wealth at a prescribed rate. And you feel good about it, because you haven't lost as much-or as quickly-as your in-laws or golf partners.

The Aggressive Wealth Diminisher : A high-risk fund in which we attempt to lose as much money as we can, and as quickly as possible, in stocks that no one in their right mind would buy. Run by Shtarker Associates of Forest Hills, Queens, this fund gives you huge, big-dick bragging rights: You're rich. You're tough. And-bartender, another Maker's Mark, neat-you can afford the losses, damn it.

Vanishing Capital Associates : We buy. We hold. We never sell. Formerly known as "The Samuel Beckett Fund," this is for the introspective investor who enjoys pondering the long, inexorable slide into nothingness.

The Emerging Felon Fund : Why bother with research or due diligence when you can pick up stock tips at New York City social events? Sure, Eliot Spitzer may accuse our analysts of collusion and our traders of being vapid, insider-trading social butterflies. But we prefer to think of them all as "sunny optimists" who want nothing more than to help their friends. Really now, c'mon: What's the crime in that?

The Churn Group : We buy and sell and buy and sell lots of stocks daily. We have no idea what we're actually buying, or why we're selling, but we generate huge amounts of paperwork, along with providing jobs for an entire generation of clueless 28-year-old financial advisers who would otherwise be living at home with their parents-or worse, making independent films.

Bull's-Eye Financial Services : No research. No analysts. No computers. We lose your money the old-fashioned way: Ouija boards, darts at the financial pages and listening to tips from Murray, a cousin's college roommate who knows a guy who knows a guy who's Warren Buffet's podiatrist. The Magic Eight-Ball says, " Yes !"

The Private Jet Index : Show us any corporate leader who travels exclusively on a private jet, and we'll show you someone who's lost touch with reality. It never fails. By removing their last point of friction-or interaction-with the real world, the corporate leader will never again see, hear, talk or encounter anyone who does not look like, talk like, agree with or in some way service their being on this planet. Investing in these people is a win-win: You lose billions. And we love flying out of Teterborough.

A FORWARD-LOOKING STATEMENT

At Infectious Greed, we're optimistic that things-lots of stuff-will continue to happen in the future. We expect interest rates to remain interesting. And we'll be watching the Fed-or, more precisely, the Feds-ready to respond to subpoenas, indictments or invitations to appear in front of a Congressional committee.

We see better times ahead, with the economy turning around late in the next quarter. Or maybe not. Whatever.

In the meantime, please, please send us some cash. And remember: At Infectious Greed, nothing is our fault. You may lose money at an unprecedented rate, but rest assured that we'll continue to collect our fees.

Have a nice day.

Tony Montclair, Chief Financial Officer.

It started a couple weeks back, on March 14, when Rupert Murdoch–the Rupe himself–pounced unexpectedly upon a Post newsroom meeting where, sources said, the rakish Australian mogul proceeded to thumb through the paper page by page, pointedly critiquing various stories and sections. Saida News Corp. spokesman of Mr. Murdoch's visit: "We clearly have the best paper in town, but we're always looking for improvement. He wants the paper to be the best it can be."

But Rupert's impromptu flare-up paled in comparison to the four-star scream-o-rama that occurred Tuesday, March 20, when chirpy Post movie critics Lou (" What Planet Are You From … easily the funniest movie of the year ") Lumenick and Jonathan ( " Sugar & Spice … delivers its fair quota of jiggles and giggles" ) Foreman got into an ugly, public newsroom argument reminiscent of a throwdown on a Hollywood back lot.

The heated exchange concluded with Mr. Foreman, playing the Steven Seagal heavy, dressing down Mr. Lumenick, his veteran colleague, by saying, "You're a sad and pathetic man!"

Post sources weren't surprised by the pre-Oscar movie-critic meltdown, saying it had been brewing ever since Mr. Lumenick–who himself had once been the Post 's metro editor–replaced the paper's chief film critic, Rod Dreher, in late 1999.

Mr. Lumenick, however, wasn't named chief critic like his predecessor. Instead, he was to share the beat as an equal alongside Mr. Foreman–and that two-headed arrangement hasn't worked terribly well, according to sources.

Early on, Post staffers said, if the two critics had to share a byline, there were arguments over whose name would go first. ( Jonathan! Lou! Jonathan! ) But that diva-like skirmish–which would have made top-billers like Alec Baldwin and Sly Stallone proud–didn't appear to last long, as Mr. Foreman and Mr. Lumenick shared only three bylines: Mr. Foreman got the first credit twice, Mr. Lumenick once. (Of course, they could have saved themselves some angst with some clever credit language, like " By Lou Lumenick, based on a concept by Jonathan Foreman ," or " A Jonathan Foreman Production of a Lou Lumenick Idea .")

While the critics kept an uneasy peace throughout much of 2000, tensions were heightened last October when Mr. Foreman was voted into the New York Film Critics Circle–and Mr. Lumenick was turned down. Though Mr. Foreman, who enjoyed Traffic, had been turned down himself the previous year, Post insiders said that Mr. Lumenick, who loved Castaway, felt slighted and hurt.

Mr. Lumenick told Off the Record that was not the case. "To me, the workings of the New York Film Critics Circle are as mysterious as the workings of Skull and Bones," he said. "I don't know that I care all that much now."

Still, Post sources said that Mr. Lumenick was further peeved last month when Variety's "Reel Life" columnist, Timothy M. Gray–citing reviews like Mr. Lumenick's rave over What Planet Are You From and his claim that Bamboozled was "the year's most important movie"–called Mr. Lumenick a "new blurbmeister."

Meanwhile, Mr. Foreman and Mr. Lumenick –whose desks face each other in the Post newsroom, with only a short partition between them–had been developing a creepy, Fatal Attraction -esque working relationship (minus all the illicit lovin', of course).

Last Christmas, Mr. Lumenick sent a holiday card to Mr. Foreman with the caption: "We know who's been naughty and who's been nice." Some Post staffers saw the card as an acknowledgment of their rivalry, but Mr. Lumenick, who thought Albert Finney was great in Erin Brockovich , downplayed its meaning, telling Off the Record he had received a bunch of cards from Disney and sent them to a number of people.

"That was the caption that was printed on the cards," Mr. Lumenick said. "I guess some people here have less of a sense of humor than others."

Mr. Foreman, who found You Can Count on Me "touching" but "visually flat," declined comment on the Christmas card. But shortly after the card appeared on his desk, it disappeared, replaced by a sign on Mr. Foreman's desk warning Mr. Lumenick to keep out, Post sources said.

And that leads us to March 20, when things really erupted between the two Post critics. That Tuesday, Mr. Lumenick and Mr. Foreman were wrapping up a two-page Oscar-pool guide. The guide was primarily written by Mr. Lumenick, and the package also included a chart of staffers' Oscar predictions.

Originally, Post sources said, the chart was set up so that all the staffers' names were in alphabetical order, giving associate photo editor Maria Fernandez the left-hand column, Mr. Foreman the second column in and Mr. Lumenick the fifth slot in a total of eight.

But somewhere along the way, sources said, Mr. Lumenick changed the arrangement so that the first column belonged to him.

Mr. Lumenick told Off the Record that he thought the chart should be in that order because he was the one who was asked to organize it. But as the chart was being edited, editor Faye Penn put it back in alphabetical order.

Mr. Lumenick, who found The Mexican "criminally long," and Mr. Foreman, who thought Gladiator was "exhilarating," started arguing over the matter, sources said, and soon they were yelling "fuck you" at each other in the middle of the newsroom.

Toward the end of the screaming match, sources said, Mr. Foreman accused Mr. Lumenick of being petty. That's when he unleashed the "You're a sad and pathetic man!" line.

A week after the dust-up, however, both men did their best to diminish the outburst.

"It really was no big deal," said Mr. Foreman, who panned Heartbreakers as "witless." "Literally 10 minutes later, we were dividing up next month's movies." Of his relationship with Mr. Lumenick, he said, "It's had its ups and downs, but we work smoothly and efficiently together."

"Movie critics–any kind of critics–are not known as reserved people," said Mr. Lumenick, who called Sweet November "blah." "That's very normal in newsrooms. And at this point, I don't even remember the conversation. It was over in 15 seconds."

While Mr. Lumenick said that in an "ideal world," both men would prefer to be chief critic, he heartily endorsed his colleague. "I consider [Mr. Foreman] an asset to the Post and I continue to look forward to working with him."

Mr. Foreman echoed the good cheer: "There's no reason a system of equality shouldn't work. It's worked at other papers."

So-oo-o … two thumbs up!

When it comes to gag- inducing journalistic self-absorption, we figured that Vanity Fair set the gold standard when it included its own associate fashion editor, Patricia Herrera, in its fashion spread on "It" girls in last year's September issue . (W ran a close second with its14pagesof male journalists, including the likes of Kurt Andersen and Joel Stein, dolled up in Hugo Boss and Ralph Lauren.) But we were wrong. When Rolling Stone 's April 12 issue–the special "What's Cool Now" issue, with the moon-faced Julia Stiles on the cover–recently landed on our desk, a new self-promotional standard had been set.

Inside the issue was an eight-page fashion feature, RStyle: The Family Stone , which, in addition to hawking clothes, gave 20 of the magazine's … staffers a chance "to show you their faces and let them tell you their stories."

And let us just say: Them Rolling Stone rs are lookers! The photos, shot by chief photographer Mark Seliger, show the magazine's staff looking appropriately rock-crit affected in swank Manhattan joints like Pastis and Ciel Rouge. Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner must be dishing out the raises again, because associate designer Lee Berresford apparently prefers a $998 Armani coat for her nights in the meatpacking district, and researcher David Malley keeps a $795 Hugh Boss leather jacket in his closet.

"I think our young staffers are gods and goddesses!" said a proud Bob Love, Rolling Stone 's managing editor (featured on page 133). "The three chicks from the art department [page 129]–they look beautiful!"

But when it came to taking credit for the section, Mr. Love–perhaps fearful of sleepless nights being stalked by the angry T-shirt wearing ghost of Lester Bangs–was very clear. "It was Jann's idea," he said.

Mr. Love was also at pains to point out that the staff fashion shoot was by no means supposed be a part of the "What's Cool Now" package. "We deliberately left it out of the 'Cool' section," he said. "I wanted to call it 'Almost Cool.'"

Staffers at cross-town rival Spin were, to put it mildly, amused. "We're all still shocked; we're still trying to pick up the pieces," said Spin editor in chief Alan Light. "Our hearts go out to all their families."

Look, we know an industry-wide ad slump has put magazine editors under the gun. But that's no reason to pander to the lowest common denominator by putting the pretty boy of the moment on the cover of your rag.

We're referring, of course, to the recent, shameless rash of Henry Yuen sightings. Inside magazine did it first when it put the 52-year-old Gemstar- TV Guide chief executive on its Feb. 20 cover. Business Week followed suit in its March 12 issue.

Doesn't anyone appreciate Milla Jovovich anymore?

Like everything else associated with the Internet, The Industry Standard has taken some lumps recently. But they probably didn't know they'd been on a surfin' safari. On March 21, departing Standard chief executive John Battelle sent his troops the following e-mail after he stepped aside to be the company's chairman, and former CNET honcho Richard Marino came on board to run the day-to-day show:

"We've ridden a monster wave, and, if you'll permit me to overwork the metaphor, we've tasted a bit of sand as that wave crashed onto the beach. It's now time to get back on the board and paddle out once again. With Rich joining our team, I am confident we'll be ready for the next wave, and the ones after that as well."

Thanks, chief executive Jeff Spicoli!

Late Night With Conan O'Brien 's head writer, Jonathan Groff, is thinking over his options. He said he and his wife, Martha Chowning, are expecting a baby in June. He can't help wondering if he'll be able to keep up the pace of doing comedy on a deadline, four times a week. "We do a lot of character stuff, a lot of sketchy stuff that is difficult to generate," Mr. Groff said. "It's labor-intensive." So his plans are vague.

NYTV asked him what was up after a little bird tweeted to us that he might leave the show before September, which would mark his fifth year as head writer.

"I actually don't know exactly what my deal is," he said.

Mr. Groff ended up writing for Conan O'Brien after doing brief stints writing for The Jon Stewart Show (its MTV incarnation), followed by a gig writing for Comedy Central's Short Attention Span Theater . Before moving to New York in 1993, Mr. Groff did standup in Boston.

Mr. Groff was brought onto Late Night after submitting a packet of material that included a bit about a black a cappella quartet singing insulting things about Conan O'Brien in lush four-part harmony, which aired almost immediately after he was hired. Nine months later, he was promoted to head writer.

Mr. Groff said that in the event he does leave Late Night he won't be straying far; he has a deal with NBC (separate from Mr. O'Brien's own production deal with NBC) that includes developing sitcoms.

Tonight on Late Night : the guy who makes NYTV embarrassed to be liberal, Tim Robbins. [WNBC, 4, 12:35 A.M.]

Thursday, Mar. 9

Has a synergy deal ever looked sweeter? MTV Productions' Making the Band , a Real World -meets-Backstreet Boys reality show debuting March 24 on ABC, seems like a recipe for making money. First, you gather 25 racially diverse 19-year-old guys, all of them hot, all of them with an affinity for hair gel, and you put them through the rigors of a tryout for Lou Pearlman, the guy who concocted boy bands N'Sync and Backstreet Boys. Select the eight most talented fellas, toss them into a lake house in Orlando, Fla., and film them every moment. Next, simply shitcan the three kids who aren't fitting in and sign the remaining five boys to a big fat contract. Call them O-Town (after Orlando, duh ). Give ABC parent company Disney the option of releasing their records on their house label, Hollywood Records. Watch their reactions as they read in the papers about Mr. Pearlman's vicious legal battle with his old boy band, N'Sync.

Then, air 22 half-hour episodes detailing, as their press materials puts it, "their transformation from ordinary young men to rising pop stars," on ABC in prime time. Then just sit back and wait for the moment when every 11-year-old girl in America decides that O-Town so rocks . If it works, everybody wins. Network advertising revenue pays MTV to produce a show that advertises a Disney product. Heck, the guys could even check out Disney World in a very special episode. The capper would be that MTV would air O-Town's videos, a necessary part of breaking a band.

Not so fast!

"The synergy is not as high as you'd think," said Ken Mok, president of MTV Productions and the executive producer of Making the Band . He came up with the concept last August while in New York for meetings at MTV's Times Square headquarters. On that trip he found himself unable to maneuver past the screaming girls waiting to get a glimpse of N'Sync, who were appearing on MTV's Total Request Live .

After selling a full season of the show to ABC, Mr. Mok rang up the guys behind Total Request Live and asked about booking O-Town on the show for a little publicity head start. But guess what?

"I've gotten surprising resistance," said Mr. Mok.

According to Mr. Mok, MTV programmers told him that O-Town songs would receive no special consideration, and that when and if O-Town ever made it onto Total Request Live , it would be after hitting it big elsewhere.

Today, on Total Request Live , Smashing Pumpkins, desperately seeking audience. [MTV, 20, 3:30 P.M.]

Friday, Mar. 10

Tonight, there's 16th Annual Soap Opera Awards . Winners are chosen by rabid fans who vote for their favorite shows. Michael Logan, who has covered the daytime scene for TV Guide the last 10 years, gave us his predictions:

"The shows that do well are the shows that get their fans out of their couches. Historically, the Procter & Gamble shows do very poorly because the audiences for CBS shows are older and more conservative, and they don't tend to get out and vote."

According to Mr. Logan, the two front-runners are General Hospital on ABC and Days of Our Lives on NBC.

" General Hospital has had a bad year," Mr. Logan said. "It's been very, very piss-poor dramatically, and they've lost a lot of talent. It's in pathetic shape, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything to the hard-core fan. On the other hand, there have been examples where you can see that the audience has turned on the show. That happened about three years ago when Days of Our Lives was overtaken by General Hospital . Will that happen this year with General Hospital ? It's hard to say, but it could."

Thanks, Mr. Logan. You're not looking for another gig by any chance, are you? There's a certain column here that's up for grabs. [WNBC, 4, 9 P.M.]

Saturday, Mar. 11

The antidote to sportscaster idiocy, ladies and gentlemen, is Deb Kaufman, the anchor of MSG's nuts-and-bolts sports news program, Sports Desk . Ms. Kaufman's unaffected, shtickless, girl-next-door approach to reporting the sports news is a refreshing break from the frat-house humor of ESPN.

"It took me a couple of years to figure out how to be the same way on the air as I am sitting in the newsroom," Ms. Kaufman said. "We'll sit in the newsroom and have great discussions about what we think about sports, but it took me a couple of years to figure out how to do it on the air."

Who's her sportscasting hero? Marv Albert, of course.

"Marv is the best. Especially on the radio. From a critical point of view, he has the perfect voice and tone. He brings the right level of angst and excitement. If you listen to one of his calls, he always has the perfect explanation of time on the clock, what the situation is, and he creates the right level of tension for the listener. His calls stand the test of time. To listen to one of his calls, it's amazing."

Know this. If you watch Ms. Kaufman in action, you'll never go back to Sports Center . [MSG, 27, 10:30 P.M.]

Sunday, Mar. 12

Pop-Up Video co-creator Tad Low crashed the stage of the TV Guide Awards on March 5. But that was apparently just the capper to an extraordinarily debauched week in Los Angeles.

For those billions and billions of people who did not catch Fox's TV Guide Awards , Mr. Low stormed the stage when MTV's Total Request Live –and not Pop-Up Videos –was announced as favorite musical show.

"Hi, everybody," he said into the microphone during this live broadcast. "I'm Tad–I'm the producer of Pop-Up Video , and this is a travesty! L.A. does lead the nation in robberies, and you can add one more to tonight's festivities! What is this Total Request Live ? It just asks softball questions to celebrities, talks to them when they're in the shower. Come on! Seriously! Let me have the award."

Behind him on the stage was Total Request Live host Carson Daly, a handsome fellow who looked hip, albeit in a corny way. He was surrounded by a posse of other MTV guys who also looked hip in the corniest way possible. They were wearing black suits and neckties that shone, like Regis Philbin after his Who Wants to Be a Millionaire makeover. They all looked around 28 years old and had gunk in their hair.

Mr. Low looked comical, with crazy short hair, open collar and manic stage presence. Turning to the MTV host, he said, "Carson? Where are you? Come on! Don't you think I should take the award? Come on, people!"

They took Mr. Low away. Had he made TV history? Well, at least it was a decent attempt.

Mr. Low called NYTV the afternoon after his stunt to report that his arms were feeling "fucking sore" from being whisked away by security men and that he was "still a little bit drunk" from a trip to a strip club called Crazy Girls.

On March 4, Mr. Low said, he and a friend who is "a bit of a pothead but also a licensed pilot" did parabolic dives over southern California to approximate NASA's famous zero-G "vomit comet." He said it was scary. But in the week before the TV Guide awards, Mr. Low was taking meetings, doing biz .

See, last September, Mr. Low decided to take a few days off and go on a little trip to the Burning Man Festival in the Nevada desert. He ended up taking leave from his production company, Spin the Bottle, for three months.

"I took some killer acid called 2CB," he said. "It was good."

Before he knew it, he was in Georgia–no, not that one, but the one in the former Soviet Union. Then he turned up in Laos. He didn't get back to New York until New Year's Day. And what ever happened to that two-year development deal he'd signed with ABC? While he was traveling, the two years ran out! Without ABC producing any of his shows!

So now Mr. Low's got all these ideas without homes. Recently he pitched them to Fox and UPN. Here's a sampling:

Scars : Real people go on show, tell story of worst scar. Cut to America's Most Wanted -like dramatic re-creation of scar-causing event (breaking glass, biting dog). Then studio audience chants, "Show … us … your … scar!" Guest shows scar.

The Wad : This show would be The Sopranos meets Who Wants to Be a Millionaire . "Pimpish asshole with way too much money" drives into various small American towns in white Cadillac with huge wad of hundreds in pocket. Makes locals do "stupid shit because he can."

First Impression : Physiognomy game show. Guests come out and remain silent while contestants try to guess personality just from looking at their faces and bodies.

Take a lesson from the real wad-bearers on The Sopranos tonight. [HBO, 32, 9 P.M.]

Monday, Mar. 13

Tonight, on Ally McBeal , it's a rerun, with Haley Joel Osment guest-starring as an 8-year-old dying of leukemia. There will surely be lots of tears, but not as many as Mr. Osment shed at this year's Golden Globe Awards when he learned he hadn't won. [WNYW, 5, 9 P.M.]

Tuesday, Mar. 14

From Larry King's March 6 USA Today column, which partly chronicles his trip to South Africa: "I saw the South African version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire . In South Africa, the million is in terms of the rand (about six to a dollar). Jeremy Maggs is Johannesburg's answer to Regis Philbin. He's an excellent host. The set is the same, the rules are the same, and the show is just as popular there as here. Maggs wears lighter clothing, however. Maybe that dark metallic look doesn't work in South Africa." [WABC, 7, 8 P.M.]

Last year, George' s overall circulation for the issue closest to the filing date (September) was 440,359. This year, the number was lower, down almost 10,000 readers to 430,800. And this is from a magazine that in its media kit promises advertisers it will deliver between 450,000 to 500,000 copies by this month.

The story on the newsstand is even bleaker. The percentage of copies a magazine sells on the newsstand is an excellent indicator of its vitality. According to tabulations made by magazine-circulation guru Dan Capell, newsstand sales (or "sell-through," in magazine parlance) account for 48.3 percent of overall circulation for the nation's top 100 magazines. The industry average was in the low 40's, he added. George last year had a remarkable 56 percent sell-through over the course of the previous year. But October 1996 to September 1997 is a very different story. George sold an average of 118,333 copies, for a sell-through of 29 percent. By comparison, Vanity Fair , which George considers a competitor, had a sell-through of 51 percent.

Swing 's newsstand numbers are even worse. Just 9,040 copies of Mr. Lauren's magazine for twentysomethings were sold on the newsstand for each issue between November 1996 and October 1997, out of a total circulation of 87,720. The sell-through number is a minuscule 9.3 percent. The numbers from October, the most recent issue tabulated, are not much better. The total comes in at 14.9 percent. But advertisers still are paying for the privilege of appearing in Ralph Lauren's son's magazine. The current December-January issue, a third-anniversary special, carries the most ad pages in its history.

On the night of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, CBS News became the poster child for laggard news divisions everywhere, stumbling for hours before finally breaking into pro wrestling with a feed from Britain's Sky TV. Now it seems CBS will interrupt regularly scheduled programming for almost anything resembling big news.

During the week of Nov. 17, CBS News interrupted Americans' favorite soap operas four times for breaking news on that life-altering story about the birth of the McCaughey septuplets in Iowa. On Nov. 19, CBS breathtakingly announced that the kids-all seven of them-were about to be born, and then came back to say that, yes, indeed they had been born and were supposedly doing fine. Two days later, CBS News again broke in twice, including coverage of the parents' news conference. CBS competitors didn't seem as jazzed by the news. Both NBC and ABC interrupted their daytime programming just twice, and ABC didn't even cover the news conference.

In the aftermath of the Diana debacle and the apology from CBS News president Andrew Heyward for the "serious cracks" in the operation, television news observers expected changes. Mr. Heyward did demote vice president Lane Vernados, and he issued a bunch of edicts ordering up a "bulletin center" staffed around the clock by a producer and technician, ensuring that at least one correspondent was on duty. He also gave more news executives the green light to break into programming with the latest news updates. But the suits at CBS may want to give their trigger fingers a rest before they really upset Young and the Restless fans.

If both Marv Albert and Mike Tyson can make news for their biting prowess during the same year, why can't there be two renditions of the 1997 Dubious Achievements awards?

The team responsible for Esquire 's yearly spoof of the foolish and the inane lost its leader, deputy editor David Hirshey, when editor in chief David Granger cleaned house on his first day in office in June.

But TV Guide editor in chief Steven Reddicliffe hired Mr. Hirshey and his crew to do the same thing with a new name and a slightly different twist.

The TV Guide version, called "The Year in Jeers 1997: We Bite Back!" will be on newsstands on Dec. 8. Mimicking the Esquire method of straight news items topped by a snarky headline, "The Year in Jeers" has slightly more of a TV and pop-culture bent. "Few of TV Guide 's readers would welcome a seating chart at Balthazar," said Mr. Hirshey.

But Mr. Hirshey rounded up his usual collection of punsters-the pseudonymous Stanley Bing, Newsweek 's Jerry Adler and Mediaweek 's Lewis Grossberger-and delivered the same mixture of well-turned quips and groan-inducing jokes. To wit: A whole section on "People … Who Eat People," including "tasty tidbits from the world of human sushi." And then's there's the obligatory O.J. Simpson joke. A news item quoted Mr. Simpson saying it was much easier now to get dates. "I guess it's sort of the bad-boy thing." The TV Guide kicker: "So that's why they call him a lady killer."

Of course, playing to TV Guide 's 13 million-plus paying readers, compared to Esquire 's 650,000, forced the group to cut down on the risqué, particularly on dick jokes. But they still managed to push the envelope. "If we do our job well, we'll knock a few of their readers off their Barcaloungers," said Mr. Hirshey. Mr. Reddicliffe played hall monitor. "It was like the Dick Van Dyke Show ," said Mr. Reddicliffe, keeping the TV motif alive. "I would like to think I was Buddy. I'm sure in some cases they thought I was Mel Cooley."

Meanwhile, Esquire 's Dubious awards will be out later this month. David Eggers, formerly of the satirical magazine Might , is playing a major role in trying to refresh the formula.

Hachette Filipacchi Magazines is mighty proud of the fact that the company is wasting at least $5 million over the next five years leasing a blocklong billboard along Broadway to promote its stable of magazines. But how the company decided which 11 magazines to promote first has stirred up a mini-controversy in the 29-title empire, overseen by chief executive David Pecker.

Magazines like George, Elle and Car and Driver made the cut and have nearly 25-foot-high covers looming over a Starbucks and other stores between 51st and 52nd streets. But at least two of Hachette's mainstream consumer magazines are conspicuously absent, even though the circulation of Metropolitan Home (616,799) and Family Life (452,353) are both bigger than Elle Decor (443,809) American Photo (258,185) and George (which promises advertisers 400,000 but still hasn't released audited circulation numbers). According to sources at Hachette, editors at the snubbed titles feel slighted by their exclusion, and editorial director Jean-Louis Ginibre is annoyed he was not informed about the billboard plans.

Hachette editors contacted by Off the Record attempted to be diplomatic about not making the first cut of the 205-by-25-foot billboard. "I certainly wish we were there, but it's not the end of the world," said Donna Warner, editor in chief of Metropolitan Home . A Hachette spokesman said that the two forgotten magazines will be rotated onto the billboard in the coming months.

Mr. Pecker was nonplussed about the complaints, and even joked about it. "Since I came up with the idea and the money is not coming out of the magazines' pockets, I have the right to say, 'I did the deals, I have the right to decide what goes up,'" he said.

When a magazine's theater critic bestows a rave on a Broadway production, the play's producers rush to slap those comments on their ads, often misquoting them in the process. Rarely, however, does a magazine step in and do the marketing (and misquoting) work itself, as The New Yorker has for the people behind Triumph of Love . That help, in the form of a letter offering discount tickets just for being a subscriber to The New Yorker , has some of the magazine's patrons upset with the marketing ploy's crassness.

"Critics John Lahr and Nancy Franklin have been raving about a new Broadway musical comedy, Triumph of Love ," the letter says. "John has called it 'a smart, fresh and funny combination of high jinks and high style!' And Nancy said: 'This is the kind of show that makes people want to come to this city-be in the theater, go to the theater, talk about the theater!' So here's an offer to make it even easier to come, be, go and talk-a chance to see Triumph of Love early in the run, in the best seats, and for the best price."

The letter is signed, coyly, "Best regards, The New Yorker ."

Magazines often rummage through their databases to dispatch similar offers, but they usually sign the publisher's name to them and make sure their subscribers know they're helping out an advertiser as part of a marketing deal. The New Yorker makes no such distinction.

"You're mortgaging the brand name and credibilty of the magazine for the sake of the advertiser," said one media executive elsewhere in S.I. Newhouse Jr.'s empire. "That should not be able to be bought. And you're doing it in an obfuscating way without signing it from the business side. It's not something you would let happen in the magazine's pages, so why let it happen on letterhead?"

Ms. Franklin was not too perturbed by the mercantile use of her words but was slightly annoyed by The New Yorker 's dropping three of the infinitives she used in her review. "Let's just say I'm bewitched, bothered and bewildered by their inability to quote me accurately," she said. Ms. Franklin actually wrote: " Triumph of Love is the kind of show that makes people want to come to this city-to be in the theater, to go to the theater, to talk about the theater."

Mr. Lahr, who wrote a Showcase item in September, was in England and could not be reached for comment.

"If I had known about it, it would have never gone out," said Pamela Maffei McCarthy, the magazine's deputy editor. "It was someone's misguided notion of synergy."