Blake Lively is a celebrity with such a bland persona, this interview from New York Magazine’s The Cut blog starts out, “Blake Lively walks into the room, chewing.”
What could be less exciting? “Blake Lively lies still, breathing.” That’s it. That’s the only less exciting activity.
Still, we are talking about her. This time, it’s because she’s starting a lifestyle website that isn’t a lifestyle website. She announced it in September by saying to Vogue, “The main element of it is that it’s about storytelling and it’s about living a very one-of-a-kind, curated life, and how to achieve that. There’s nothing like it out there – it’s without a genre.”
You know who isn’t the biggest fan of the World Wide Web? Website owner, Aol host and app developer Gwyneth Paltrow.
The Duchess of Goop told E! News that the Internet is a cause of concern at her house because of all the weird things daughter Apple can see on it. It’s a freighting place, she said, like sitting through a viewing of View from the Top scary. Anyway, she sung the praises of her “super-smart” daughter for constant inquiries about normal childlike things, such as the sun, devil and renewable energy.
With her newsletter GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow has managed to turn her career from actress to something resembling more of an entrepreneur/life advice coach. Like Oprah! Unlike Oprah, however Gwyneth Paltrow’s products and tips usually only apply to “moms like herself” (aka Hollywood dynasty, socialites, or women who are married to the guy from Coldplay).
But Ms. Paltrow is often at war with her own image: She loves food so much that she’s written two cookbooks and posts disgusting photos of gluten/egg/dairy free meals all over her site, but at the same time she promotes cleanses to the point of putting out her own colon cleanse. (Except that one month in January, where the cleanse was to take a cleanse from cleansing.)
So far, however, Ms. Paltrow’s shtick has been successful, in the sense that yes, she’s a ridiculous person, but we always assumed her fanatic obsession with a zen work/life balance (yes, one can be fanatic about that) meant that she was at least a healthy person.
Turns out, no, she’s starved herself into hallucinating for ten days on a “bad cleanse,” as she told Telegraph.
When one thinks of Gwyneth Paltrow, what comes to mind? A women who drinks a bottle of wine whilst cooking and then another before bed? Who told a reporter she’d rather smoke crack than eat processed cheese? Or the dictator of GOOP, an insane newsletter dedicated to making you pay $155 for a felt “catch-all,” which does not seem larger or sturdy enough to catch anything. (Besides maybe a nearby breeze.)
Big Apple Idolatry
Guys, have you wondered what sort of cleanse Gwyneth Paltrow is endorsing for the new year? Is it Diet Detox? Her patented Colon Cleanse? The Clean Program?
In 2013′s first big shock, Ms. Paltrow revealed in a surprisingly curt GOOP newsletter that this January’s cleanse will be … no cleanse at all! WHAT?
They Grow Up So Fast
– Chris Brown wants to poop and fart on lady comedian; deletes Twitter account.
– Charlie Sheen once gave Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help out with her IRS “debt,” which is one case of the blinded-by-syphilis leading the blinded-by-syphilis.
Big Apple Idolatry
Time sure does fly when you are taking lifestyle advice from Gwyneth Paltrow. Today, Ms. Paltrow sent out her 200th issue of goop, her weekly newsletter to “share all of life’s positives.” That’s four whole years of living la vida Four Years of Goop Gwyneth.
– In her continuing efforts to upstage that total biatch Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes decided to strip down in a tanning salon lobby in New York and run around screaming “I’m a retired multi-millionaire!!” Said an eyewitness, “There was definitely something wrong with her.” What do you think it was?
Gwyneth Paltrow has bought her GOOP newsletter to Brooklyn, meaning that all the hip 20-somethings must now pack up their fair-trade bindles and move to Queens.
She has strong ties to the borough: her dad was born in Brooklyn Jewish Hospital. Ms. Paltrow likes using her father to give her credibility. What gives her the authority to write a cookbook? Because her dad liked food. Why is she now a Brooklyn expert? Her dad was born there. Yikes.
Here’s a partial list of places you can never be caught dead in again:
Gwyneth Paltrow, the lifestyle writer/lifestyle coach/lifestyle lifestyle/actresses from Iron Man II and Sliding Doors, is such a giver. Her heart is almost too big, you know? Like she’s always trying to teach the common plebeians who read her newsletter GOOP how to live life to its fullest. (Hint: Buy $82 pajamas for your children; be Gwyneth Paltrow; rinse and repeat.)
And how much does she charge for this service? $100? 1,000 baby seal skins? No way! She likes to give her fans this advice for free…not including the charge of the products she’s hawking, of course.
This week, join us as we check out Ms. Paltrow’s magic GOOP cleanse diet/facial creme! Because you are fat.