You will no longer be needing these. (GOOP)

Guys, have you wondered what sort of cleanse Gwyneth Paltrow is endorsing for the new year? Is it Diet Detox? Her patented Colon Cleanse? The Clean Program?

In 2013's first big shock, Ms. Paltrow revealed in a surprisingly curt GOOP newsletter that this January's cleanse will be ... no cleanse at all! WHAT?

Happy 2013! I am not on a detox. I am not on a diet. I know, New Year’s cleansing and all that. Not this year. Can't do it. Maybe later in the year. Maybe in the spring. So for now, I would like to continue with my pasta and cheese, but perhaps be more mindful of ingredients. I asked my friend Dr. Frank Lipman about his list of superfoods so that I could incorporate them into my diet a bit more. If you are going to eat pasta, why not serve it with a walnut pesto (walnuts are on his list)? You get my point. We had great fun in the goop test kitchen coming up with these ways to incorporate these miraculous foods into very tasty recipes. We hope you enjoy.

Love,
gp

P.S. New Year's holiday snaps from Sugar Beach below.

That's right folks, Gwyneth Paltrow is NOT ON A CLEANSE, and we can all eat pasta again. Hooray!

Dickdickdick. (Lifetime)

– Chris Brown wants to poop and fart on lady comedian; deletes Twitter account.

– Charlie Sheen once gave Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help out with her IRS "debt," which is one case of the blinded-by-syphilis leading the blinded-by-syphilis.

– Liz & Dick premiered last night on the Lifetime channel, and Twitter was very excited about it, but apparently it was awful, no d'oy.

– If you ever wanted to know how to destroy Goop, here's Gawker's handy guide.
– Justin Bieber no longer beloved by Canadians, even while being given a White Trash award by the nation's Prime Minster.

In which Ms. Paltrow demonstrates that you don't have to only buy designer.(Photo credit: goop.)

Time sure does fly when you are taking lifestyle advice from Gwyneth Paltrow. Today, Ms. Paltrow sent out her 200th issue of goop, her  weekly newsletter to "share all of life's positives." That's four whole years of  living la vida Four Years of Goop Gwyneth.

How does Ms. Paltrow advise her fans celebrate such a milestone? With a holiday feast, of course. Ms. Paltrow suggests with a celebratory meal of smoked trout on rye hors d'oeuvres, roast pumpkin soup in the pumpkin ("as delicious as it is adorable"), grilled radicchio wedge, salt baked sea bass,  crispy lemon potatoes, turkey osso bucco and Parmesan polenta. Recipes with helpful tips (macerel can be substituted for trout in a pinch) are provided. As are pairings from Cameron Hughes wines, samplers of which can be purchased through a goop link.

Ms. Paltrow is really into the wine because it is beautiful affordable and accessible. Also, she has a collaboration deal with them. How very practical of her!

But why did Ms. Paltrow decided to share all of her life secrets, week in and week out? She just wants to help people.

"From creating a delicious recipe to finding a perfect dress for spring, Gwyneth began curating the best of lifestyle to help her readers save time, simplify and feel inspired," explains the website. "Determined to publish a genuine and resourceful issue each week, for many, goop has become their most trusted girlfriend on the web."

Happy anniversary, girlfriend! Let's all raise our glasses of Gwyneth-recommended wine to another four years of inspirational (and aspirational) living.

British miniseries knows what you want to see.

– In her continuing efforts to upstage that total biatch Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes decided to strip down in a tanning salon lobby in New York and run around screaming "I'm a retired multi-millionaire!!" Said an eyewitness, "There was definitely something wrong with her." What do you think it was?

– Gwyneth Paltrow is totally over her Brooklyn love. Now she's on to only talking about really important stuff in GOOP ... like wrapping paper that costs $52.

– James Franco wants to fine people who don't vote. Possibly to raise money for his next performance art project.

– Jerry Seinfeld alone could probably finance the reconstruction of NYC with his Seinfeld residuals.

– You know, we had heard rumblings on IMDB about a Jon Hamm/Daniel Radcliffe Sky Arts 1 HD series, A Young Doctor's Notebook, in which they play the older and younger versions, respectively, of a Russian Ph.D. But this is the first time we've seen pictures of them in a bathtub together, which is a very Terrence Malick way to shoot your bloody show.

Only Gwyneth Paltrow would call the Williamsburg area "unpretentious."

Gwyneth Paltrow has bought her GOOP newsletter to Brooklyn, meaning that all the hip 20-somethings must now pack up their fair-trade bindles and move to Queens.

She has strong ties to the borough: her dad was born in Brooklyn Jewish Hospital. Ms. Paltrow likes using her father to give her credibility. What gives her the authority to write a cookbook? Because her dad liked food. Why is she now a Brooklyn expert? Her dad was born there. Yikes.

Here's a partial list of places you can never be caught dead in again:

The hipsters will be so sad:

Bushwick is officially gentrified:

Have we all been there, Gwen?

Somehow we really doubt Paltrow's made it to Red Hook. Especially a place called "The Intercourse."

Actually these make sense. Park Slope might actually be the perfect place for Gwyn.

Wait ... Black Mountain was our little secret neighborhood bar!!

Damn you, Gwyneth!

Gwyneth Paltrow: She's just like us! (Getty Images)

And how much does she charge for this service? $100? 1,000 baby seal skins? No way! She likes to give her fans this advice for free...not including the charge of the products she's hawking, of course.

This week, join us as we check out Ms. Paltrow's magic GOOP cleanse diet/facial creme! Because you are fat.

Here's the pitch:

Next week, when it’s back to the grind with work and the daily school run, I’m starting off with Clean, my go-to cleanse from Dr. Alejandro Junger, with whom goop has partnered for the month of January. I’ve used Clean in the past with great results, losing a few pounds and kickstarting a healthier and more energetic New Year. This month, I’ll be doing it along with members of the goop team and we hope you will too. And, it goes without saying, but be sure to check with your doctor before getting started!

Love,
gp

That's right, Ms. Paltrow, who just wrote a book about how much she loves food (though she'd rather have her children smoke crack than eat less than gourmet cheese) thinks you could stand to lose a few pounds. We're sorry, but how do cleanses give people energy? Aren't they just cayenne pepper and water with some lemon for every meal?

Not Clean, apparently. This is the formula that's not only good for you, but requires your doctor's approval before taking. Just like broccoli! Here's how it works:

The cleanse arrives within a few days after purchase and consists of a tasty protein shake and several supplements that help digestion, rebuild beneficial bacteria, and eliminate toxins. For 21-days you’ll have a shake for breakfast, a solid meal for lunch from a list of foods Dr. Junger recommends, a shake for dinner and your Clean supplements throughout the day.

So basically, it's the Jenny Craig diet, but with Gwyneth's seal of GOOPY approval? Where do we sign up?

1. "The public at large is discovering your ability to sing. When did you first discover you had that talent?"

2. "I love seeing everything through your filter, how do you decide what you are going to cover? How personal is this?"

3. "In other words, what intrigues you is the paradox between the inner fire and the cool surface."

4. "I've read that you were rather average as a student and that your only strong point was geography."

5. "In one word answers, name someone or something in food, music, art and design, style, and sports that inspires you today and your favorite spot to be leisurely." (Hint: Interview subject refused to submit even one one-word answer.)

6. "I appreciate your viewpoint, but I doubt whether the majority of the public shares your tastes in this matter. I think the male audience prefers a highly carnal woman."

7. "Biggie or PAC?"

8. "You are the coolest man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?"

9. "Wasn't it your ambition, at the time, to become an engineer?"

10. "And finally, would you ever make a solo album?"

And the interviewer is:

1. Jay-Z

2. Gwyneth Paltrow

3. François Truffaut

4. François Truffaut

5. Gwyneth Paltrow

6. François Truffaut

7. Jay-Z

8. Gwyneth Paltrow

9. François Truffaut

10. Jay-Z

ddaddario@observer.com :: @DPD_

“Starting tomorrow, you will receive The Zoe Report, a daily email featuring my current obsessions in the ever-evolving worlds of fashion, beauty, and lifestyle,” she wrote. “I am beyond excited at the opportunity to connect directly with you!”—and us with you, Rachel!—“Looking forward to sending some glamour to your inbox. XO, Rachel Zoe.” Her name was signed in cursive, lest we cynically suspect the letter to be written by an assistant, or computer-generated or something.

The next morning, Tuesday, Aug. 4, the Transom received some glamour in our inboxes. It took the form of Lola Platform Pumps ($680) in leopard print with elastic detailing, by Brian Atwood. “I DIE,” Ms. Zoe wrote. (“I Die” and “Bananas” have been trademarked by Ms. Zoe’s lawyer.)

“With fall just around the corner, these shooties* are a must-have transitional piece to help you segue through the seasons.” Ms. Zoe continued, defining the asterisk-marked word as a combination of shoe and booty. She advised that we wear them with dark skinny jeans, a T-shirt and a tuxedo jacket. In the event that we are poor, Ms. Zoe thoughtfully included a similar pair from Steve Madden for $129.95.

The next morning brought more excitement in the form of Anita Ko’s pyramid bracelets and earrings, $3,600 and $315, respectively. For the less fortunate: a $33 pyramid ring at Ettika.

On her Web site, to the right of the newsletter, we noted a “Social Zoe” section: Rachel can be reached via Facebook, Twitter and MySpace, meaning more Zoe more often. To the left is a photo of the stylist in all black, wearing knee-high, platform leather boots; gold chains; a floppy, leopard-print hat; white motorcycle gloves; and red lipstick.

On Thursday, Aug. 6, Ms. Zoe switched it up and turned to beauty, recommending Skyn Iceland’s Hydro Cool Firming Eye Gels, $45 for a box of six. “When my routine Venti Awake Tea (+ 2 Splendas, please) doesn’t cut it, I rely on these paraben-free, fragrance-free patches of wonder to liven up.” No cheap version this time.

Friday brought a “super soft destroyed tee” by Raquel Allegra, whom our guru calls an “apparel architect.” The striped, shredded top’s hand-dyed finish took Ms. Zoe back to her Grateful Dead days.

The stylist took Saturday off from her newsletter duties, but returned Sunday with Barton Perreira Starlet Sunglasses ($525). “If you can get the visual of me as a tween, skating at the roller rink in red satin pants, a spandex tube top and gold headband, you’ll know why I’m so obsessed over these shades,” she said. Quite a visual! “In fact, they’re a favorite in my shamefully towering pile of do not disturb signs.*” Huh? “*Do not disturb sign = sunnies, preferably oversized, used for masking tired eyes, hiding make-up from the night before and politely avoiding conversation.”

Something went terribly wrong at Ms. Zoe’s offices on Monday because our newsletter didn’t arrive. The Transom checked her Twitter and learned that she spent the weekend in Malibu. A representative for Ms. Zoe declined to say how many subscribers the newsletter has, but said that in the first day, additional server capacity had to be added to accommodate traffic, and that subscribers tripled in the first week. We wanted to compare to Gwyneth Paltrow’s traffic in her first week of Goop, but her rep did not return calls, either.

No matter: Ms. Zoe returned on Tuesday with a red cashmere capelet from Prabal Gurung ($2,400) “It’s no wonder he’s already adored by red carpet veterans like Demi Moore,” Ms. Zoe wrote of the designer. “I’ve dressed her in two of his looks. [Smiley emoticon]”

Gwynnie finally gets personal! Way to pull on our guilty heart strings...

Unlike the tone and content of her previous newsletters, we're reminded in this "Do" one that she's actually human and not just a couture-sporting celebrity mommy. But the letter quickly deteriorates into some gobbledy-gook, "no duh" advice from some doctors (one in London, one in LA and one in New York). They "helped me out of some very sticky health problems (pneumonia, anemia, stress, etc.)," Ms. Paltrow writes. "Below they offer their points of view and some ideas about how we can achieve our best health." That includes: get more sleep, don't eat "white stuff" or sugar, detox and drink more water.

Yawn. Might as well read the latest issues of Shape!

“Well, G. P. are my initials and Goop is actually a family nickname,” Ms. Paltrow said.

Did she feel qualified to offer people advice on how to live?

“Oh, I’m not qualified to give advice to anybody,” chirped the wife of Coldplay singer Chris Martin and mother of two. “It’s just fun and I’m enjoying it.”

We are also enjoying Ms. Paltrow’s little Web project, if only for the voyeuristic, presumably unfiltered peek it affords into the kitchen and closet of a woman who—thanks to her regal bearing and general air of having won life’s lottery—has been both irritant and idol to New York for well over a decade.

And yet the essence of GOOP remains elusive. With its watery illustrations and personal-service content, it seems cast (aesthetically at least) in the mold of DailyCandy, the e-mail newsletter with 2.5 million mostly female subscribers that was started out of former New York editor Dany Levy’s Christopher Street apartment in 2000 (bought by Bob Pittman for $3 million in 2003 and then by Comcast five years later for a mind-boggling $125 million). GOOP arrives weekly, not daily. And not dependably, either; the fact that some Observer staffers had to sign up repeatedly before receiving it sparked a frenzied paranoia that Gwynnie herself was peering through our screens, somehow able to divine who was worthy of her dispatches.

Ms. Paltrow’s newsletters contain fashion advice (“Wear legging jeans (I wore these on Oprah!)”); her personal guide to London, where she spends most of her time these days (“The hotels are on the pricey side but my GOOP girls are doing some research into some more affordable prices”); and exercise tips (“Don’t be lazy”).

The site itself is pitched as a home of sorts for Ms. Paltrow’s “collection of experiences,” invoking her ongoing efforts to “make life good” and “nourish the inner aspect.” Critics have responded tartly. “I feel undernourished already,” wrote New York Times magazine columnist Virginia Heffernan in her The Medium blog. “I weep for our inner aspects.” “Why is it called ‘Goop’?” sniped one writer in Canada’s Globe and Mail. “Perhaps ‘Any Old Load of Rubbish’ and ‘Learn From Me, Ungrateful Peasant’ were both taken.”

THERE WAS NO press release or self-indulgent “launch” party heralding GOOP’s arrival. The site was quietly plopped onto the Internet, with very little content and a muted design: The gray GOOP logo appears from a milky white background, and simple symbols denote each section of the site—“Make” “Go” “Get” “Do” “Be” and “See”—into which Ms. Paltrow will drop her nuggets of wisdom. So far, the only content that appears on each page is a short essay from Ms. Paltrow: “My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard. I love being a mother who has to overcome my bad qualities to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice.”

GOOP doesn’t exactly let us gawp at Gwyneth’s “clean” and “nice” spaces. There are no juicy details about life with (or without) Mr. Martin, who is frequently on tour, and their two towheaded children, Apple and Moses. In her Oct. 16 newsletter, Ms. Paltrow asks some of her favorite “sages,” from a cabala teacher to a New York psychologist, how to help a pessimistic friend. “I thought it would be inspiring to periodically ask a question to a group of thinkers from various traditions on the subjects that often confound me,” she writes. More recently, she offered some recipes for buckwheat and banana pancakes and Asian tuna sandwiches.

And what of the star’s famous style, analysis of which has long been a staple of glossy monthly magazines?

“I used to spend a lot of time looking at fashion, reading about fashion, generally being bemused by fashion,” Ms. Paltrow wrote in her Oct. 9 newsletter. “Then one day I had children and it all kind of went out the window. For a few years I was basically in sweat pants and I didn’t mind it.” She recalled some lessons she learned from her days attending Spence, the Upper East Side private school: “As I started to get back into the world of work, I needed to wear something easy and chic that did not require a lot of planning or accessorizing. It is here that I did return to high school, but this time for a clothing concept: the uniform.” Three uniforms are proposed, with Ms. Paltrow modeling Option Two: a sweater dress over leggings and a gray tank. “Add boots,” she suggests. She also recommends Tod’s cashmere trench ($1,995). Conveniently, Ms. Paltrow starred in the Italian luxury-leather-accessories empire’s fall 2008 ad campaign, looking very Grace Kelly-like in its collection; messages left with the company’s public-relations representatives seeking information about any product placement deals went unanswered.

Ms. Paltrow’s personal publicists have also been withholding about GOOP. After repeated requests, an assistant to Ms. Paltrow’s publicist Steven Huvane said the actress and anyone helping her with the site would be unavailable to speak with The Observer for this article. A visit to GOOP’s headquarters, listed on the site as 7 World Trade Center, also proved fruitless. “I’ve never heard of it,” said a security guard there. He couldn’t even find GOOP listed in the building’s computer system.

But perhaps the secrecy swathing the site, and its frustrating lack of navigability, are an apt reflection of its creator, with her lithe, barely-there bod and fortressing sense of privacy. In interviews, Ms. Paltrow is controlled, with a restraint that seems not ingrained by brand managers, but part of her very lifeblood as a New Yorker. She has always remained relatively tight-lipped about her relationships, with Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck and now Mr. Martin, whom she married in December 2003, and who often scuffles with paparazzi when they try to photograph the couple together, or even mention Ms. Paltrow’s name.

“I think when people talk too much about who they are, and give the world access to every single thing—what kind of face cream they use, what they cook for dinner, and what nicknames they have for their significant others—that’s all you can think about when you see them,” Ms. Paltrow told the BBC in 2004 in an interview promoting Sylvia, in which she starred as the poet Sylvia Plath. “There’s no mystery. I think it’s a shame, because it’s great when you see somebody with mystery act, because you think they’re capable of anything.”

So why is such an avowedly private New Yorker suddenly trying to become an online personality?

“This website has been a long time in the making,” Ms. Paltrow wrote in her maiden newsletter, sent on Sept. 25, around the time of her 36th birthday. “I have thought about it for years and have been recording information and making notes for this very moment …”

GOOP could be a potential cash cow for an actress increasingly limited in her choice of leading roles in youth-obsessed Hollywood. But Ms. Paltrow doesn’t seem to be struggling too hard in that department. This summer, she had critical success as Iron Man’s sexy-librarian leading lady (and is scheduled to appear in the sequel). Two Lovers, a romantic drama in which she plays Joaquin Phoenix’s love interest, is scheduled for a February release stateside. And the same week that GOOP oozed onto the Web, PBS began broadcasting Spain … On the Road Again, in which the actress frolics around Spain with her friend, the chef Mario Batali. Perhaps this Web venture is merely marking a new, warm, accessible multimedia chapter in the actress’s career; it’s also a way to keep in touch with her fans without a scrim of potentially untrustworthy media between them. “Over the years, I have tried lots of different things,” the actress writes in that introductory essay. “I have made lots of mistakes. But I have figured some things out in the process and I would like to share them with you.” Would that she would share more!

And yet with every piece of herself that she metes out to GOOP, Ms. Paltrow risks compromising the self-containment that has long defined her brand. She is stepping into a realm hitherto cornered by celebrities who bank on making their life experiences public. Oprah is the model, with millions following her messages of empowerment. Martha Stewart has cornered the homemaker market with her recipes and crafty how-tos. But what does Gwyneth want?

“I can’t guess her motivations, but we all know celebrity sells,” said Ms. Levy, the DailyCandy founder, who attended Spence with Ms. Paltrow and wrangled her to write a “Favorite Things” feature during the site’s early days. “I don’t know what revenue model she’s thinking of; maybe she’s just doing it for fun. I think it’s great.”

Any advice?

“I would tell her stay true to her vision and have fun with it,” Ms. Levy said. “I would tell her what I would tell any entrepreneur: Make sure your focus is sharp. Know who you are and who you are speaking to.”

And this is where Ms. Paltrow’s GOOP could get sticky. In the current recessionary climate, even her presumed core audience of young shopaholic-spiritual mommies might have more pressing preoccupations than the latest fashion and travel advice from an actress who makes millions of dollars; unless she sharpens the content, adds some humor and tones down the self-involvement, she risks being made an object of ridicule.

“Get more scoop from GOOP,” the actress urges. Know “when GOOP officially opens its doors.”

Gwynnie! You need to open that door a bit wider.

greagan@observer.com