Wintour at Vera Wang.

If we had the foresight to pick a week to fall into a nice, 168-hour hibernation, we might have chosen the one leading up to Valentine’s Day. Think of all the tragedy we might have missed: the passing of Whitney Houston, Chris Brown winning a Grammy, the exhaustion of Fashion Week. And on top of all that? We completely forgot to buy something for Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s birthday yesterday. But what do you buy the man who has already bought everything? (Another term is a bit out of our price range.)
Do you think he has a #17 jersey from the New York Knicks yet? We don’t know a lot about this Jeremy Lin fellow—apparently he sleeps on a couch and survives off a diet of tweeted compliments from Chris Hayes—but we do know that the DSM-V is considering adding “Linsanity” in its updated edition. It refers to a pandemic wherein a nation collectively falls into a fugue state after Tebow-ing too hard, only to be woken up compelled to discuss the cultural importance of Asian-Americans and/or Harvard grads in the NBA at every social function.

And if this wasn’t enough to make a normal person want to crawl under the covers, a non-Lin form of insanity has swept over the city: It’s New York’s semi-annual Fashion Week, a misnomer if we’ve ever heard one, since the event stretches itself thin over eight days, sort of like a model on a cleanse fast. And please, for the love of god, stop referring to Lincoln Center as “the tents” ... we’re not in Bryant Park anymore, Toto. For an occasion that’s meant to celebrate haute couture, we’ve noticed that the front row seats for the shows are reserved for reality television stars and bloggers as much as they are for Anna Wintour or Uma Thurman. (Though hats off to whatever PR person decided to seat Kelly Bensimon next to New York Giants wide receiver Ramses Barden for Jill Stuart’s show; neither knew why the other was important.)

There are other reasons we’d like this week to be erased from history and most of it can be found inside the pages of The New York Post. Mario Di Toro, the woman who accused Greg Kelly of rape, has been the subject of intense scrutiny by the publication after the District Attorney decided to drop the case due to sufficient lack of evidence. “Rape beauty” was just one of the terms used to describe Ms. Di Toro in this week’s stomach-churning headlines. Just in case you weren’t sure where Rupert Murdoch’s paper fell on the side of women in “scandalous” legal battles, just check out their coverage of Louise Neathway, the British woman accused of extorting and stalking Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman after the duo had an affair. While little scrutiny has been put on Mr. Cashman (except by Mrs. Cashman, who has filed divorce papers), the Post isn’t waiting for the verdict regarding Ms. Neathway, who may or may not have wiled the hapless GM away from his devoted wife. But why merely jump to conclusions when you can take a flying leap that would make even an Asian-American Harvard-educated Knick look under-ambitious? Just go for it and let the facts sort themselves out later.

Or do what we’re doing and just forget this week ever happened.

The choices are, like always, fairly obvious. But how will these performers use their time in the spotlight. A few off-the-cuff predictions: Lady Gaga will dance while balancing a to-scale replica of the MIR Space Station on her head, an Elton-less Eminem will inevitably disappoint, and Katy Perry will continue her assault on subtlety by launching fireworks as she sings "Firework." Arcade Fire, the only rock band on hand, will be dull in a playing field as stacked as this.

No word on whether the rumors of a Britney Spears performance have any legitimacy. But we're still holding out hope!

The real wild card on this line-up is Cee-Lo Green, who will be playing song with a title that's given The New York Times some issues. Good luck with that one, guys working the five second delay!

Click for What Twitter Taught Us: Piers Morgan Defends A Cell-Abusing Arianna

nfreeman [at] observer.com | @nfreeman1234

A few years ago, I was at a kicking Grammy Awards party in a Los Angeles mansion hosted by music company EMI, which was then in the midst of a ditched merger dance with Warner Music. As a journalist covering the merger, I was on the List, and my privileged status granted me access to the cordoned-off VVIP level, which featured better drinks, bigger shrimp and prettier people. Then, to my consternation, I discovered that there was somewhere even better--a VVVIP third level so rarified that even the top execs of EMI and Warner had trouble talking their way in. It was accessible only via a staircase guarded by burly dudes with earpieces.

As the suits disappeared up that stairway and I was left behind, all the free drinks and Hollywood dazzle in the room seemed subpar and desolate. I made it my mission to get past that velvet rope to see what was happening upstairs. Eventually, there was some kind of random distraction and I climbed over a banister and made my way up. Once there, I grabbed a drink, tried to blend in and found ... not much of anything. About 30 famous people were sitting around--Courtney Love, Lenny Kravitz and billionaire Paul Allen among them. But beyond its specialness, there was really nothing special about it. I went up to Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran and said hello. He smiled wanly.

The lesson, of course, was that the real thrill was in the act of getting in somewhere that I wasn't allowed and didn't belong. The risk was that I would be tapped on the shoulder and denied or, worse, tossed to the curb.

Now a proposed law is making its way to the California Senate that threatens to take all the fun out of  party crashing by making it illegal, punishable by a $1,000 fine or six months in jail. The state law, introduced by an assemblyman whose district includes the Rose Bowl and who used to work in the entertainment industry, has been greeted outside of California with the usual hoots--is this what those West Coast looneybirds are wasting their time on while their economy is teetering on collapse, their school system is in ruin and their health care is a disaster? My first instinct on hearing of this was to think of a whole new category of Hollywood-party-related legislation, covering everything from annoying cell phone banter to bad outfits to overpriced valet parking. And yet the proposal is not as ludicrous as it might sound. Unlike New York, where people have a grudging respect for personal space (because there is so little of it), the Los Angeles events-and-party industrial complex has a long history of people who don't understand boundaries, from paparazzi and TMZ camera crews to celebrity-crazed fans. This has been a boon for private security forces, but apparently this new law stems from an incident at the Screen Actors Guild Awards last year, where some unruly people snuck in and were arrested but there was no form of trespass as defined by California law that they could be easily charged with. Apparently, these laws predate Brangelina and date to an age when disputes about rural land were at issue. For example, there are forms of trespass defined under the law for cutting down wood, leaving gates open or carrying away oysters (presumably not off of a buffet table).

I spoke with Assemblyman Anthony Portantino (Democrat from Pasadena), and he made a reasoned argument for the change, calling it "a flaw in the law that needed to be corrected." But I asked him if he'd ever known the shivery thrill of sneaking into a party where he didn't belong--the equivalent of asking if he'd ever inhaled. "I've never broken into an awards show," Mr. Portantino said. Ah, that explains it.

The "No Awards" Awards Show

Grammy producers have figured out one way to make awards shows less boring: get rid of the stupid awards! During the three-and-a-half hour ceremony only nine actual awards were handed out on air; the rest were announced before the show even started. That's certainly one way to do it. The blowback of all this was more room for the performances--so if you ever wanted to see Sir Paul McCartney singing along to Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" from his seat in the audience, you had your chance.

Please Stick to the Music

We never expect a whole lot from the Bruce Vilanch-inspired scripted banter that stars are mindlessly expected to recite while at awards shows, but special notice must be given to last night's Grammy Awards. This was some of the worst banter we've ever heard, and poor Dwayne Johnson was given the shortest straw of all. The man formerly known as The Rock was forced to do a hackneyed bit about Katy Perry and a restraining order, and then name an upcoming performance by Sir Paul and Foo Fighters lead singer Dave Grohl, "Beatle Fighters". Huh? "Beatle Fighters"? If anyone finds the joke in that one, please let us know.

You're too Kind

We love standing ovations as much as the next person, but enough already! We're not heartless, so we definitely got a lump in our throat when the audience gave Jennifer Hudson a standing ovation after her performance last night. But did Best New Artist winner Adele deserve one? Or... Neil Diamond? Basically, if you didn't get a standing ovation last night, it must mean everyone hates you.

Best Worst Performance

The most insane moment of the show included four of rap's biggest superstars, tuxedos and a nine-months pregnant M.I.A. dancing around the stage in a mesh shirt. Did we mention it was all in black and white? The performance of "Swagga Like Us" by Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, Kanye West and T.I., and featuring a sample of M.I.A.'s hit "Paper Planes," was billed as "The Rap Pack" (hence the tuxedos), but we have a hard time believing Frank and Dean rolled around with a pregnant lady. Still, credit must be given to the preggers Sri Lankan rapper--she was more energetic than every other performer on stage.

Best Best Performance

With apologies to Radiohead, who performed their song "15 Step" with the USC Marching Band (the first time in history of earth that being in the marching band could be considered cool), no one brought the house down like... Carrie Underwood? Really, we were surprised, too. But Ms. Underwood's performance of her Best Female Country Vocal-winning "Last Name", a salacious number about a potential one-night stand that turns into a quickie Vegas wedding, was unbelievable. Showcasing her booming voice and a fantastic stage presence, "Last Name" made us want to reconsider the entire country music genre. If the songs sound like this, then sign us up! (Ms. Underwood was more rocking than Best Rock Album winners Coldplay.) Unfortunately the crowd didn't give her a standing ovation, something that certainly doesn't bode well for her Q rating. The only thing Ms. Underwood received was some polite applause from Kenny Chesney and our 99 cents when we purchased her song. But hey, every little bit helps!

The striking writers also dropped their demand for extended jurisdiction over reality and animation work and agreed to extend informal talks with Hollywood production companies, according to The New York Times.

This year is no different: How is Feist a "Best New Artist" when she released her debut solo album Monarch (Lay Your Jewelled Head Down) in 1999? What the hell does an "Best Urban/Alternative Performance" even mean? How did the Soulja Boy dance become a nomination for best rap song? And even though we adore her and her giant booty, there is no way Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" belongs on the "Record of the Year" list.

Shrug. What can you do?

The Village Voice's Tom Breihan commiserates:

Read the Grammy press release after the jump.

Nominations for the 50th Annual GRAMMY Awards were announced today by The Recording Academy reflecting one of the most diverse years ever, with the Album Of The Year category alone representing the country, hip-hop, jazz, pop and rock genres.

Kanye West topped the nominations with eight, Amy Winehouse garnered six, and the Foo Fighters, Jay-Z, Timbaland, Justin Timberlake, and T-Pain each earned five nods.

Akon, Dierks Bentley, Chris Daughtry, Feist, Tim McGraw, John Newton, Ne-Yo, Rihanna, and Bruce Springsteen received four each.

The press event was held at The Music Box @ Fonda in Hollywood and was attended by national and international media, as well as key music industry executives. Artists who helped announce the nominations included Akon, Fergie, Vince Gill, Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) Herbie Hancock, Taylor Hawkins (Foo Fighters), Recording Academy Chair Jimmy Jam, George Lopez, Mike Shinoda (Linkin Park) and Taylor Swift.

"This year's nominations truly reflect a diverse and talented community of artists and creators who represent some of the most exceptional music of the year," said Neil Portnow, President/CEO of The Recording Academy. "The GRAMMY Awards process once again has yielded a comprehensive group of excellent nominees and coupled with the fact that it's our milestone 50th year, this year's telecast promises music fans a spectacular show filled with stellar performances and unique 'GRAMMY Moments' for which Music's Biggest Night has come to be renowned."

Following are the nominees in the four General Field categories:

Album Of The Year:
Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace (Foo Fighters)
These Days (Vince Gill)
River: The Joni Letters (Herbie Hancock)
Graduation (Kanye West)
Back To Black (Amy Winehouse)

Record Of The Year:
"Irreplaceable" (Beyoncé)
"The Pretender" (Foo Fighters)
"Umbrella" (Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z)
"What Goes Around…Comes Around" (Justin Timberlake)
"Rehab" (Amy Winehouse)

Song Of The Year:
"Before He Cheats," John Kear & Chris Tompkins, songwriters (Carrie Underwood, artist)
"Hey There Delilah," Tom Higgenson, songwriter (Plain White T's, artist)
"Like A Star," Corinne Bailey Rae, songwriter (Corinne Bailey Rae, artist)
"Rehab," Amy Winehouse, songwriter (Amy Winehouse, artist)
"Umbrella," Shawn Carter, Kuk Harrell, Terius "Dream" Nash & Christopher Stewart, songwriters (Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z, artist)

Best New Artist:
Feist
Ledisi
Paramore
Taylor Swift
Amy Winehouse

The 50th GRAMMY Awards feature one new category and one category split.

In the newly added Best Zydeco Or Cajun Music Album category, nominations go to Le Cowboy Creole by Geno Delafose & French Rockin' Boogie; King Cake by Lisa Haley; Live: Á La Blue Moon by Lost Bayou Ramblers; Blues De Musicien by Pine Leaf Boys; Racines by Racines; The La Louisianne Sessions by Roddie Romero And The Hub City All-Stars; and Live! Worldwide by Terrance Simien & The Zydeco Experience.

In the Latin Field, Best Latin Rock, Alternative Or Urban Album has now been split into two categories.

Nominations for Best Latin Rock Or Alternative Album are No Hay Espacio by Black:Guayaba; Adelantando by Jarabe De Palo; Amantes Sunt Amentes by Panda; Kamikaze by Rabanes; and Memo Rex Commander Y El Corazón Atómico De La Via Láctea by Zoé.

For Best Latin Urban Album, nods go to E.S.L. by Akwid; El Abayarde Contra-Ataca by Tego Calderón; Residente O Visitante by Calle 13; El Cartel: The Big Boss by Daddy Yankee; and Vacaneria! By Fulanito.

This year's Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical nominations go to Howard Benson, Joe Chiccarelli, Mike Elizondo, Mark Ronson, and Timbaland

GRAMMY ballots for the final round of voting will be mailed on Dec. 12 to the voting members of The Recording Academy. They are due back to the accounting firm of Deloitte by Jan. 9, 2008, when they will be tabulated and the results kept secret until the telecast.

The 50th Annual GRAMMY Awards will be held on Feb. 10, 2008, at Staples Center in Los Angeles and once again will be broadcast live in high definition TV and 5.1 surround sound on CBS from 8 – 11:30 p.m. (ET/PT).

For a complete list of 50th GRAMMY Awards nominations, please click here.