You will no longer be needing these. (GOOP)

Guys, have you wondered what sort of cleanse Gwyneth Paltrow is endorsing for the new year? Is it Diet Detox? Her patented Colon Cleanse? The Clean Program?

In 2013's first big shock, Ms. Paltrow revealed in a surprisingly curt GOOP newsletter that this January's cleanse will be ... no cleanse at all! WHAT?

Happy 2013! I am not on a detox. I am not on a diet. I know, New Year’s cleansing and all that. Not this year. Can't do it. Maybe later in the year. Maybe in the spring. So for now, I would like to continue with my pasta and cheese, but perhaps be more mindful of ingredients. I asked my friend Dr. Frank Lipman about his list of superfoods so that I could incorporate them into my diet a bit more. If you are going to eat pasta, why not serve it with a walnut pesto (walnuts are on his list)? You get my point. We had great fun in the goop test kitchen coming up with these ways to incorporate these miraculous foods into very tasty recipes. We hope you enjoy.

Love,
gp

P.S. New Year's holiday snaps from Sugar Beach below.

That's right folks, Gwyneth Paltrow is NOT ON A CLEANSE, and we can all eat pasta again. Hooray!

Dickdickdick. (Lifetime)

– Chris Brown wants to poop and fart on lady comedian; deletes Twitter account.

– Charlie Sheen once gave Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help out with her IRS "debt," which is one case of the blinded-by-syphilis leading the blinded-by-syphilis.

– Liz & Dick premiered last night on the Lifetime channel, and Twitter was very excited about it, but apparently it was awful, no d'oy.

– If you ever wanted to know how to destroy Goop, here's Gawker's handy guide.
– Justin Bieber no longer beloved by Canadians, even while being given a White Trash award by the nation's Prime Minster.

Guy Fieri is so upset! (NBC)

– Jay Z was not "right next to De Niro" the other night at Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday. The Taxi Driver star gave the Jigga a Meet the Fockers-level awkward greeting when Jay-Z tried to approach the King of Comedy only to get rebuffed because he had never returned Bob's phone calls. Even Beyoncé couldn't calm De Niro down. We're not sure whom we would less like to be mad at us, but that sounds like a party-stopper if there ever was one.

- If you want to get angry, here's a video of Gwyneth Paltrow talking about her "writer" personality in a behind-the-scenes look at her new Max Factor ad. Why do we need a behind-the-scenes look at an ad? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!

- Hilariously, Guy Fieri thinks that The New York Times’s restaurant critic had "another agenda" when he wrote his hit piece about Fieri's Times Square palace of shitty food. We're pretty sure the agenda was just a good Samaritan's public service announcement.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

– Yikes, the Matt Lauer story just keeps getting worse. Like apparently Izzy Povich was passed over for Jim Bell's job because Lauer didn't like her? Steve Capus says the $25-million-a-year host doesn't have that kind of editorial control, but these rumors are getting a little more spiky every day.

– Oh, boo! Aaron Sorkin will not be addressing the Petraeus scandal in next season of The Newsroom, even though he really, really wants to!

In which Ms. Paltrow demonstrates that you don't have to only buy designer.(Photo credit: goop.)

Time sure does fly when you are taking lifestyle advice from Gwyneth Paltrow. Today, Ms. Paltrow sent out her 200th issue of goop, her  weekly newsletter to "share all of life's positives." That's four whole years of  living la vida Four Years of Goop Gwyneth.

How does Ms. Paltrow advise her fans celebrate such a milestone? With a holiday feast, of course. Ms. Paltrow suggests with a celebratory meal of smoked trout on rye hors d'oeuvres, roast pumpkin soup in the pumpkin ("as delicious as it is adorable"), grilled radicchio wedge, salt baked sea bass,  crispy lemon potatoes, turkey osso bucco and Parmesan polenta. Recipes with helpful tips (macerel can be substituted for trout in a pinch) are provided. As are pairings from Cameron Hughes wines, samplers of which can be purchased through a goop link.

Ms. Paltrow is really into the wine because it is beautiful affordable and accessible. Also, she has a collaboration deal with them. How very practical of her!

But why did Ms. Paltrow decided to share all of her life secrets, week in and week out? She just wants to help people.

"From creating a delicious recipe to finding a perfect dress for spring, Gwyneth began curating the best of lifestyle to help her readers save time, simplify and feel inspired," explains the website. "Determined to publish a genuine and resourceful issue each week, for many, goop has become their most trusted girlfriend on the web."

Happy anniversary, girlfriend! Let's all raise our glasses of Gwyneth-recommended wine to another four years of inspirational (and aspirational) living.

British miniseries knows what you want to see.

– In her continuing efforts to upstage that total biatch Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes decided to strip down in a tanning salon lobby in New York and run around screaming "I'm a retired multi-millionaire!!" Said an eyewitness, "There was definitely something wrong with her." What do you think it was?

– Gwyneth Paltrow is totally over her Brooklyn love. Now she's on to only talking about really important stuff in GOOP ... like wrapping paper that costs $52.

– James Franco wants to fine people who don't vote. Possibly to raise money for his next performance art project.

– Jerry Seinfeld alone could probably finance the reconstruction of NYC with his Seinfeld residuals.

– You know, we had heard rumblings on IMDB about a Jon Hamm/Daniel Radcliffe Sky Arts 1 HD series, A Young Doctor's Notebook, in which they play the older and younger versions, respectively, of a Russian Ph.D. But this is the first time we've seen pictures of them in a bathtub together, which is a very Terrence Malick way to shoot your bloody show.

Only Gwyneth Paltrow would call the Williamsburg area "unpretentious."

Gwyneth Paltrow has bought her GOOP newsletter to Brooklyn, meaning that all the hip 20-somethings must now pack up their fair-trade bindles and move to Queens.

She has strong ties to the borough: her dad was born in Brooklyn Jewish Hospital. Ms. Paltrow likes using her father to give her credibility. What gives her the authority to write a cookbook? Because her dad liked food. Why is she now a Brooklyn expert? Her dad was born there. Yikes.

Here's a partial list of places you can never be caught dead in again:

The hipsters will be so sad:

Bushwick is officially gentrified:

Have we all been there, Gwen?

Somehow we really doubt Paltrow's made it to Red Hook. Especially a place called "The Intercourse."

Actually these make sense. Park Slope might actually be the perfect place for Gwyn.

Wait ... Black Mountain was our little secret neighborhood bar!!

Damn you, Gwyneth!

I'll Have Another washing off for the big show.

It’s June, and yet we’re still wearing our London Fog raincoats and carrying around our Brollys. It’s almost as if New York’s weather gods didn’t get the memo that it’s Hamptons season, and some of us don’t like getting soaked waiting for the Jitney.

Another thing seasonal annoyance for New Yorkers is traffic created by out-of-towners, and this week’s double-whammy of President Barack Obama’s visit on Monday and that of his wife, Michelle Obama, later this week has the city grumbling about how to get crosstown. A little respect for our POTUS? Not during 6 p.m. rush hour, darling. Your cab ride will end up costing you more than a private trip on Air Force One.

Of course the sniping about this dilemma was the loudest—where else—at Serafina, during a party for Ramona Singer and Sonja Morgan. This week was the premiere of the fifth season of The Real Housewives of New York City, and after several tours around the charity circuit, we’re inclined to believe that these ladies might be offering us the most “real” reality television on offer, which is to say that there are is a vast amount of white wine spilled in their wake, no matter what the occasion. Now that the show has Aviva Drescher, Heather Thompson and Caroline Radziwill, the claws have come out: Ms. Drescher has one leg! Ms. Thompson talks too much! Ms. Radziwill is a Kennedy by marriage! This can only foretell tragedy and pathos. We can almost hear Andy Cohen gleefully rubbing his hands together and laughing.

Speaking of ladies on bad behavior, Gwyneth Paltrow, that shining beacon of all that is good and urbane in the world, managed to slip the n-word into a tweet yesterday. Just confirming our suspicions that celebrities shouldn’t tweet without running it by their publicity team first, Ms. Paltrow put up a picture of Jay-Z and Kanye West performing in France under the caption “Ni**as in paris for real.” Ms. Paltrow was somewhat saved by record producer The Dream tweeting from his personal account that he was the one who had made the inflammatory remark from Ms. Paltrow’s phone. That’s why friends don’t let friends tweet for them! Or another possible lesson: Don’t tweet out the names of songs that have the n-word in them, even if you think you are being complimentary. Perhaps she believed she had immunity from racial slur blowback because she happens to be making an album with her “good friend” Jay-Z. But we don’t think it works that way.

But one thing this week we won’t be complaining about: the Belmont Stakes, where I’ll Have Another will attempt to become the first Triple Crown winner since the late ’70s. After winning the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness, I’ll Have Another is on course to become the next Seabiscuit. Or perhaps SeaTriscuit, since this chestnut horse has lower doses of sodium and at least half the calorie count as the original. Of course, you never know what goes into these horses ... especially right before the races. (Something that HBO’s Luck tried to expose in its drama about horse racing before it fell victim to a severe case of dramatic irony and was shut down over the mistreatment and death of at least of three its own horses.) I’ll Have Another’s trainer, Doug O’Neill, has been found guilty of drugging his horses with carbon dioxide in 2010, and he’ll be facing a 45-day suspension from the racetracks. But of course, this won’t go into effect until after the Belmont.

On the other hand, I’ll Have Another’s jockey, Mario Gutierrez, is a real underdog hero, the type Hollywood and Stephen Spielberg would love to get their hands on. Starting as a jockey in Mexico City, Mr. Gutierrez made his way up to Vancouver, winning titles for racing along the way. His first reaction to seeing his champion partner? Well, that varies. He’s told the BBC, “From the first time I met him, I knew he was the one.” Other stories have the introduction less glamorous, with Mr. Gutierrez saying, “I don’t even know who that horse is, but he’s a freak.”
Harsh words, Mr. Gutierrez. Maybe you should audition for next season of Real Housewives?

Gwyneth Paltrow, Jay-Z (Patrick McMullan)

Everyone is very, very mad at Gwyneth Paltrow for being racist, because on Friday she tweeteda picture of Kanye West and Jay-Z performing in France.

"Ni**as in Paris for real!" the tweet said, referring to the song title from the duo's album, Watch the Throne. We hate that this is forcing us to defend the creator of GOOP, but no, this is not a racist tweet.Especially because she didn't write it? It was written by a black celebrity who borrowed her iPhone. So who is racist now, America?!?!

When the attacks started, Ms. Paltrow--like any rational person--responded with "Hold up. It’s the title of the song!" It is the title of the song. The song doesn't even use stars to replace letters, like Ms. Paltrow did. But also "Hold up" doesn't sound like Ms. Paltrow!

Then it turned out that it wasn't even Ms. Paltrow who tweeted it! Terius Nash, also known as record producer The Dream, sent a message on Twitter:

Fyi Sorry for the Confu I typed Ni**as in paris for real from Gwens Phone my bad I was Fkd up please excuse it! We were lit!

What? Okay. Celebrities are weird. We wouldn't let our friends tweet from our accounts, and we didn't even star in Iron Man!

Conclusion: Do not let The Dream act as your ghost-tweeter. Especially if you still want to do that record with Jay-Z.

Last night, at what is widely hyped as the best night in New York fashion, the attendees of the annual gala benefit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute did not disappoint. Patterns, we saw a few: a lot of black, a lot of neon, a lot of feathers, and a lot of sheer. And Beyonce's dress? We still don't know what to think. See our picks for best and most bewildering are in this slideshow, and read our rundown from the red carpet here.