The New York Times wants you to look at the hipsters. (Joe Mande)

Ach, we really thought The New York Times was finally starting to get the picture with its April 28th piece, "Turning the Tables on the News Media Tease." In it, Noam Cohen finally acknowledged the Twitter feed @NYTOnIt as being "prompted when a trend article from The New York Times seems too obvious or too generic." Examples given in the article included "the arrival of fall, the use of staplers, and how night stands are becoming more crowded."

Point duly noted, the Times seemed to be saying in this piece, showing that it was not above poking fun of its history of non-trend trend stories. But it turns out that the Grey Lady was merely blowing her media audience a raspberry, as Thursday's Style section cover story is about...one man's observations about Williamsburg. No, no catch, no angle: Just one guy, checking out the 'burg to see what the big deal is and trying to blend in with the natives at Roberta's. (Which still counts as Williamsburg, you know, metaphysically.) And yes, it's supposed to be funny, which is probably the saddest part about this sad attempt that begins with--wait for it--the title:

Will.i.amsburg

Oh yes, there are slideshows on how to become--like embedded journo and famed investigative humorist Henry Alford did--a Williamsburg hipster. Tips like: go be condescending to employees at H.W. Carter & Sons by telling them, "I’m going for a Mumford & Sons look. I want to look like I play the banjo." And: Hang around the top of the Wythe Hotel (where all Williamsburg residents congregate to listen to Skrillex, remember? From last time?) and wait till somebody describes themselves as an "affinity consultant" so you can mock them in your led. Except it's never really explained what an affinity consultant does, though it turns out that the guy was from Manhattan and only staying at the Wythe in order to a similar anthropological study on the "cool kids" of Bedford Avenue.

"O, Bohemia!" indeed, Mr. Alford. No, we get this piece was written cheekily and wasn't meant to be taken all that seriously as the author turned his your nose at a non-locally sourced pair of socks "like an organic farmer who has learned that a friend has named her child Monsanto." (Which...huh? Would the analogy here be that you'd turn your nose up at a child for having a silly name?)

Or his pratfall excursions on a "fixie" fixed gear bike. Clearly, this was supposed to be The New York Times' attempt at recreating Brian Williams' epic artisinal cheeses rant.

The problem being that this is all old hat by now: Making fun of bearded hipsters on Bedford is a decade-old joke by this point, and it shows that The New York Times' must be scraping pretty low in its barrel-bottom in order to be mocking the trends and businesses that it once breathlessly agitated for. (That's Slate's job.)

Is "Will.i.amsburg" trying to say Williamsburg is over? Or that it's inherent value system of cynic aestheticism as exemplified by a Bushwick pizzeria are ridiculous? And if so, did we need this not-so-scathing satire to tell us?

After all, by nature of it being a New York Times Style story, the rest of the world was notified about this "trend" approximately 18-24 months ago.

Pearl's Social & Billy Club in Bushwick. (Facebook)

Those pesky hipsters are at it again, with their subversive non-weekday work schedules and socially destructive late night PBR-drinking, according to an article in the Daily News.

Bushwick’s Community Board 4 has taken a stand against Sunday sipping, according to the paper, by requesting that bar and restaurant owners stop selling alcohol by midnight on Sunday night.

“Sunday, that’s the day when people rest," district manager Nadine Whitted told the News. “We have to be fair to everybody. It’s not a hard thing to do.”

The State Liquor Authority can still approve a liquor license even if a bar refuses to comply with the suggested Sunday curfew. However, the agency plans to investigate each individual bar or restaurant applying for a license, according to SLA spokesman William Crowley.

“The hipsters are out of control,” said 38-year old perfect caricature of a Brooklyn resident, Monica Hall, to the Post.

“You go into a new land and think you own it," continued Ms. Hall. "Sleeping on a Sunday night, for people with children and who have nine-to-five jobs, is the difference between getting a good night’s sleep and starting your week off right, versus trying to sleep with noise coming from over grown children."

In response, a number of Bushwick bar owners are doing their best to appease the local residents. Betsy Maher, owner of Pearl's Social and Billy Club on St. Nicholas Ave, has installed a bouncer outsider her bar at night to try and keep noise levels now.

“There’s a lot of resistance between old and new,” Ms. Maher told the News. “It’s making the two sides butt heads even more.”

This issue is emblematic of an ever-growing divide between long-time Bushwick residents and the colonizing hipster crowd, who are more likely to shun traditional work patterns in favor of, you know, not having any work patterns (if you believe Girls is an accurate representation of real life, which, duh, it is).

Clearly those old fogeys with their 9-5 jobs and their mindless subjugation to the corporate hegemony don’t appreciate that when you’ve been slaving away all weekend perfecting your newest round of splatter paintings and hawking reclaimed furniture at the Brooklyn Flea, Sunday night is actually the perfect time to kick back with a few brewskis. Can't we all just get along, bro?

"Don't call us the W-word!" (Wikipedia)

Take a look at yourselves. Seriously, did you even read this petition before you self-righteously signed it with your artisanal ink well and ironic quill? Because we did:

we petition the obama administration to:
Peacefully grant the neighborhood of East Williamsburg to secede from Williamsburg and create a new, hipper neighborhood

The founding hipsters first arrived on Bedford Avenue two decades earlier convinced that the East Village was "overpriced" and that more generally, Manhattan was "so over."

In recent years, the trustifarians have turned the Bedford Avenue area into a disneyland of fashionable shops and expensive cocktail bars. The baby-bankers living in the glass, waterfront towers have pushed out the smack junkies and complain to the police about "noise" from rock musicians.

As such, the grittier East Williamsburg would prefer to disassociate from Williamsburg as a fully separate and independent neighborhood. The people of East Williamsburg actually have real jobs. Their shops are not particularly fashionable. Some of the bars are genuinely dangerous dives. Please allow the neighborhood to secede.

A couple things:

1. "East Williamsburg"

Up for debate. You know that right? You guys live in Bushwick, for the most part. Most of you were duped into thinking you were living in some subset of Brooklyn's hippest neighborhood be clever real estate agents, but the borders of "East Williamsburg" are forever in flux. Yes, East Williamsburg is a neighborhood on the city's map. But since "Neighborhood names are not officially designated," the arbitrary boundaries are meaningless. You can change the name whenever you want, silly!

2. "Founding hipsters"

Please. You guys are the worst. And you do understand that those same people also believed that they were making the trek to define themselves as "grittier" (hello, Cokie's!) while inadvertently gentrifying Bedford Avenue? Which is exactly what you are doing to your self-titled portion of Bushwick. Also, re: grittier comment...you know that a Wall Street Journal trend story already claimed that you were making the neighborhood "less gritty," right?

3. "The people of East Williamsburg actually have real jobs."

DJ'ing at Roberta's is not a real job.

4. "Some of the bars are genuinely dangerous dives."

How authentic are you guys! Very authentic. It's like you guys are the Spanish colonists writing home to your families boasting about "genuinely dangerous" Indian tribes. Except instead of smallpox-infested blankets, you just bring bedbugs.

5. "(They) have pushed out the smack junkies and complain to the police about 'noise' from rock musicians."

Wait, do you think being a smack junkie or rock musician is what constitutes a "real job?" Are you nostalgic for the days of smack junkies on Bedford? Were you even alive two decades ago?

6. "The baby-bankers living in the glass, waterfront towers..."

Take it away, Chris O'Dowd:
http://youtu.be/sWsovTuub8g

Enough already with the North Brooklyn bellyaching!

That seems to be the message of the MTA, which restored G trains service earlier this morning. Everyone is eagerly awaiting the resumption of the L train between Eighth Avenue and Broadway Junction, everyone meaning the unwashed masses of the city's hipsters. The L line, which was pumped out yesterday, had the worst flooding of any subway tunnel, according to the MTA,   now, to prove just how tirelessly the agency is working to get the L back up and running, here's a video to show the work going on.

This plan is so fetch. (Wikimedia Commons)

The joke about hipsters (well, one of many, many jokes about hipsters) is that they are pioneers, non-conformists. But out in Bushwick, they are following in the footsteps of more than a hundred of the city's neighborhoods: they want a rezoning.

A stones throw (not the hip hop record label) from the the McKibben Lofts and Roberta's, just across Flushing Avenue, a developer wants to transform the old Rheingold Brewery into a 10-building housing complex, a plan that has been kicking around since at least 2008. But according to The Wall Street Journal, this is Bushwick, so the rezoning has to be different, it has to be cool, with it, or at least that's what Councilwoman Diana Reyna wants.

She wants the rezoning of Bushwick to happen on different terms from a rezoning of Williamsburg and Greenpoint seven years ago. There, just a couple of stops west of Bushwick on the L train, a growing number of industrial buildings have given way to luxury condos and rental buildings.

"We don't necessarily need high rises. We don't need the speculation that Bushwick is the next Williamsburg," Ms. Reyna said. Instead, Ms. Reyna would like to see low-rise developments, a strong "affordable housing" component and the preservation of local jobs.

According to The Journal, the Rheingold redevelopment could pave the way for a larger rezoning of entire Bushwick neighborhood, which has seen spot development over the past decade but remains primarily comprised of low-rise apartment buildings and rowhouses. Encouraging development while protecting the neighborhood character, and more importantly its long-time residents, could prove a challenge. Because everybody knows gentrification is not cool.

The horror! The horror! (ammanners, flickr)

With luxury buildings like the Edge and women in Isabel Marant dresses partying at the Wythe Hotel, we thought that Williamsburg denizens no longer harbored any illusions about living in neo-Bohemia.

Apparently we were wrong! Racked has put together an amazing slideshow of man-on-the-street interviews about the rumored opening of J.Crew on Bedford Avenue.

Despite the fact that more than a few residents admit to shopping at J.Crew, or knowing someone who shops at J.Crew, most are a little bit uncomfortable about the purveyor of preppy chic coming to the neighborhood. Because, you know, Brooklyn is all about buying your preppy chic clothing at local boutiques or carefully-curated thrift stores.

Some say they're not down with chain stores, because chain stores are bad, except for chain stores that they like.

"I think it's stupid because there are plenty of interesting places to shop around here, and there are lots of cute boutiques," a 25-year-old man wearing a sleeveless shirt with a German beer logo told Racked. "I'm down for Bedford not having another chain store, except I'm pretty excited for Whole Foods."

Others expressed relief that they might actually be able to buy a t-shirt for under $60, something that they say has been difficult since the departure of the Salvation Army.

And, in true Williamsburg fashion, others didn't know what the hell was up because they'd just moved to the neighborhood three days ago.

We just hope that Racked makes interviews with hipsters a recurring feature.

kvelsey@observer.com

Are you ready for the second season of HBO's 'Girls,' Bob Ross-lookalikes, "Muffle Car"-owners, and unicycling hipsters?

Then, wow, do we have a job for you:

Why hire a hipster when they can just get this kid? (Don't answer that, Leslie Arfin.) Surely, however, this one is more specific:

Note "Bob Ross Types," which ideally isn't exclusive to just "People Who Look Like Bob Ross." Helpful hint: We're pretty sure these guys frequent the bar pickup scene at Andrew Tarlow restaurants on late weekday afternoons. Finally:

We have no idea what a "Muffle Car" is, but we're obviously not spending enough time amongst Greenpoint's flourishing steampunk scene. All of you beautiful, freaky people, go with god, and answer your call. The second season of Girls is the closest you're ever going to get to a third season of Carnivale. Now's your chance.

[PREVIOUSLY: The Real TV Stars of Greenpoint: HBO’s Girls Seeking Real-Life ‘Hipster Types’ for Casting]

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

She looks jealous to us. (NY Post)

When the blue Citibank Citi Bikes—thank you again impossibly selfless, unfailingly generous corporate overlords!—start rolling out of their stations, there is one neighborhood that will not be sharing.

South Williamsburg is noticeably lacking in any of the city's new bike-share stations, The Wall Street Journal noticed. And this time the Hasidic community didn't even have to battle against naked hipsters to get their way!

There were so many communities clamoring to host the cruisers, ugly Citibank logos be damned, that the ultra-Orthodox Jewish community simply stayed mum and let the sought-after stations go where they were wanted, the city transportation commissioner explains. And that wasn't South Williamsburg.

"I think it's really important that the stations meet the needs of the communities," city transportation commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan told The Journal. "We're not really looking to put them where there isn't a lot of demand."

Have you ever heard of such an easy victory? It's like we can finally, for once and for all, say whose side God is on. Still, not everyone is pleased. The whole point of a transportation system, as bike share aspires to be, is that it serves all neighborhoods, whether their residents want it or not. (That's how a system works, right?)

And even some Hasids want to bike! They just don’t want to be associated with the kind of bicyclists who are “more naked than clothed.”

Baruch Herzfeld, former proprietor of  Traif Bike Gesheft and a member of the Orthodox community told The Journal that he found great demand among local Hasidim for his rental bikes.

"I always heard them say, 'I wish I could ride a bicycle,' and I'm like—'Why don't you ride a bicycle?'" Mr. Herzfeld said.

Not that Hasids are becoming cycling enthusiasts any time soon, especially not the children, if the powers that be can help it. Alas, although the community shows occasional interest in change, they are not its biggest fans. In that, they join other insular enclaves like Brooklyn Heights and Turtle Bay, who have also voiced opposition to hosting bike share stations.

kvelsey@observer.com

Rockaway Beach: A well-established Hipster Hamptons of sorts for the last few years, a place many thought would hit fever-pitch sometime this summer, the moment when—like Williamsburg and Bushwick and Red Hook and hell, the rest of the entire borough of Brooklyn before it—well-heeled Manhattanites discover it, and then, ruin the fun for those who were ostensibly there "first."*

First came The Taco Stand.

Then, the Trend Pieces.

Then, The Hoteliers.

And now: The Page Six Item. 

Yes, if you're the ornery, traditionalist, orthodoxy-of-cool type, this is the moment you can singularly declare Rockaway Beach "over": When Page Six gets—and publishes—sightings there.

Which happened today.

In a "Sightings" column that also included the New York Giants' Victor Ortiz, Jon Bon Jovi, Harry Belefonte, and Josh Lucas, the top item was:

Patti Smith and MoMA PS1 head Klaus Biesenbach strolling the Rockaway Beach boardwalk . . .

Three things of note, here:

1. Patti Smith and Klaus Biesenbach rated higher than Victor Ortiz and his girlfriend. In the New York Post.

2. Unlike the majority of gossip column sightings entries, this one was clearly not a plant. Either someone tipped them off, or a Page Six-er hangs out in Rockaway Beach.

3. This is, as far as we can tell, the first Page Six sighting in Rockaway Beach, ever. The precedent for notable sightings in Rockaway Beach in the New York Post: A bloodthirsty "Shark (or Ray)."

This is how it begins.

Soon, Rockaway Beach will be flooded with all different kinds of Sevigny and Ronson. Pop-up French clubs with doors that only open for people with personal texts from Larry Gagosian or Daenerys Targaryen's dragons will be erected. The Walkmen will re-locate there, and record an album. Madras-sporting Conde Nast warlords and ink-merchants will eventually venture out via towncar, ostensibly in search of "authentic" lobster rolls at first, lying about being on a wayward detour to Martha's Vineyard—we got lost on the way to Teterboro, har har—but eventually bringing their friends, convincing them that putting $1M into renovating a local standby clam shack with leather banquettes, a hostess who can only read names printed in boldface, and a chef whose greatest talent is an ability to upsell the shaving of truffles over anything from a burger to an artisinal Ritz cracker. Finally, the Manhattanites who read about it on Thrillist and Daily Candy will clamor for entry, eventually getting it, and everyone who preceded them will have already started to repeat the process somewhere else (in all likelihood, 5.9 miles down the road, at Fort Tilden), but not before Kanye West has built a replica Coliseum nearby, where he will show a movie on twelve screens of him using King Tut's tomb as a urinal.

Or, of course, this could all be a matter of semantics, and not even remotely a tipping point inasmuch as a curious anomaly: A Page Six item in Rockaway Beach, oh my, how whimsical (but otherwise insignificant).

...Which may also be what they want you to think.

Summer at your own risk.

[*Excluding, of course, those locals who have been going to Rockaway Beach since its lifeguard union was basically The Warriors. They are simply an adorable accessory of the local charm, and nothing more.]

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

Now that all the discussions have been had about how diverse (or not) or authentic (or not) the show is (or is not) have been had, we can get on to the pressing matter of portraying the lives of Young Hip Brooklynites with more authenticity and diversity (and authentic diversity) than ever! Or so a casting notice for the second season would have us believe.

From an official Girls casting notice posted to Backstage.com, we now know what "hipster" typecasting looks like:

Seeking—Hipster Types: male and female, 18-30s, all ethnicities, all types, specifically seeking people with tattoos, piercings, colored hair, and unique looks. Young Adult (ages 18-29), Thirties (ages 30-39). Caucasian/White, African-American/Black, Latin/Hispanic/South American, Asian, Native American, European, Middle Eastern, Indian/South Asian, Other.

And no, there's no nudity. So you can't do that. But hey, they're trying to cast diverse..ly. Is this what they call "progress"? That said, we can still fairly accuse the show of slighting Aborigines.

Regardless: Tatted-up "unique looking" Billyburg stage players, your time has come. This is basically Hipster Idol, and your best nonchalance face is about to be put to the test. Only the strong will survive long enough to pretend to have a conversation at some backlit table in a distant corner of Bar Matchless so you may call Mom and Dad in Council Bluffs, and breathlessly let them know: It's not just you that made it.

We all made it. All of us.

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek