Monday: How I Met Your Mother
Is Monday night the new Thursday night? Tonight brings the season premiere of House, a new Gossip Girl, a two-hour Heroes (yep, that show is still on the air) and the launching of the CBS Monday night comedy block, which includes the series premiere of Jenna Elfman’s Accidentally on Purpose. Phew! Us? We’ll be watching Gossip Girl at 9 p.m., natch [Ed note: But some of us will be watching House]. But before that, we’ll definitely tune in to the season premiere of How I Met Your Mother. We aren’t even sure whether to call the comedy a cult hit anymore—after all, tonight marks the start of season five—but it still feels like less people watch this than they should (this despite the fact that every person we know counts it as one of their favorites.) Come on, folks! What are you waiting for? [CBS, 8 p.m.]

Tuesday: North by Northwest
Our favorite Alfred Hitchcock film manages to be his most accessible. You know the story, but in brief: Everyman extraordinaire Cary Grant gets mistaken for a spy and away we go; cue a cross country chase that culminates on Mount Rushmore. What we’re always amazed by whenever we watch North by Northwest is how it manages to be so thoroughly modern. Whereas some old movies don’t hold up, this one feels like it could be released today and become a huge hit. [TCM, 8 p.m.]

Wednesday: Mercy
Apparently 2009 is the Year of the Nurse. Who knew? We have yet to see Mercy, but from the promos it feels like the new series will to slot itself somewhere in between the darkness of Nurse Jackie and the treacle of HawthoRNe. Nurse Veronica Callahan (Taylor Schilling) has just returned from a tour of duty in Iraq and—wouldn’t you know it—she’s the only person at Mercy Hospital that actually knows what they’re doing! We can’t say we’re all that interested in Mercy, but that it features Michelle Trachtenberg—as the naïve young nurse—makes us take notice. Still, truth be told, we hope Mercy gets canceled, just so Ms. Trachtenberg can become a full-time cast member on Gossip Girl before the year is out. Georgina Sparks forever! [NBC, 8 p.m.]

Thursday: Grey’s Anatomy
Speaking of bad doctor soap operas: Grey’s Anatomy is back! The show you love to hate returns with a two-hour season premiere that will feature the official death of George O’Malley (T.R. Knight, probably happy for the first time in three years) and the recovery of Izzie Stevens (Katherine Heigl, probably still hating every second she has to spend working on Grey’s). With Ellen Pompeo pregnant, and, Ms. Heigl and Patrick Dempsey taking off for episodes at a time to star in movies, expect this season to be a transitional one. Whether Grey’s can become the next ER—forever regenerating its sprawling cast—rests solely on what happens this year. [ABC, 9 p.m.]

Friday: Gangs of New York
The most disappointing news of the fall? That Paramount shifted the Martin Scorsese-Leonardo DiCaprio thriller Shutter Island from its October release date to February. Boo! Now where are we supposed to get our Scorsese/DiCaprio fix? We’ll just have to settle for Gangs of New York instead, which isn’t as good as The Departed and isn’t as bad as The Aviator in the Scorsese/DiCaprio oeuvre. Them aside, the real star here is Daniel Day-Lewis (would you expect anything less?). As the villain, aptly named Bill the Butcher, Mr. Day-Lewis does Daniel Plainview-before-Daniel Plainview, stomping and chomping scenery like a Method Godzilla; he’s brilliant, even if the movie never actually reaches that height. [IFC, 2:45 a.m.]

Tuesday: Proof of Life
Long before Tony Gilroy was a purveyor of adult-minded dramatics like Michael Clayton and Duplicity, he was a screenwriter-for-hire who wrote everything from the cheesy (The Cutting Edge) to the outstanding (The Bourne Identity). So on the list of Mr. Gilroy’s credits, Proof of Life sits somewhere in the middle. The Taylor Hackford-directed kidnapping drama is probably most remembered for the offscreen affair that blossomed between stars Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan, but we are always shocked at how much the film mirrors Casablanca. There’s Russell-as-Bogie, Meg-as-Ingrid and a shockingly bouncy and invested David Caruso in the Claude Rains role, stealing every scene out from under his more accomplished co-stars. [Action Max, 8:20 a.m.]

Wednesday: Pearl Jam: Ten Revisited
Ready to feel old? On Tuesday, last-grunge-band-standing Pearl Jam will reissue their 12-million-selling debut album Ten as the start of a two-year catalogue rerelease program that leads up to the band’s 20th anniversary in 2011. This special, which premiered on VH1 over the weekend, takes a look back at the making of that album, and the band, with the depth and breadth of a Wikipedia entry. But once you hear the opening chords of “Alive”, we guarantee you'll pull your old flannel shirts out of storage and rock along. [VH1, 11 a.m.]

Thursday: In the Motherhood
Another week, another ABC sit-com. After the lukewarm premiere of Better Off Ted, the network trots out In the Motherhood, a new comedy based on the popular Web series of the same name. Whether or not In the Motherhood is likely to succeed is certainly up for debate (put us on the “not succeed” side of the ledger), but what we cannot understand is why ABC felt the need to recast the show. Stars Cheryl Hines and Megan Mullally are funny, but the trio of mothers in the Web incarnation—Leah Remini, Chelsea Handler and Jenny McCarthy, respectively—seem like money in the bank. Oh, well. We can always watch their version on YouTube. [ABC, 8 p.m.]

Friday: Major League
It wouldn’t be spring without our yearly viewing of Major League. As much as we love the stuffy elegance of The Natural and Field of Dreams, this is our favorite baseball movie, one that perfectly encapsulates what the sport is all about—the importance of team chemistry. The players in Major League are mishmash group of drunks, womanizers, has-beens, convicts and religious fanatics. And yet they still band together to win it all… as a team. Something tells us this movie doesn’t get a lot of play in the Yankees clubhouse. [Cinemax, 8 p.m.]

On last night's episode of How I Met Your Mother, Barney worried that he accidentally made one of his recent hook-ups into a mom. Barney, our favorite bro played with brilliance by Neil Patrick Harris, learns that he won't be a father, leading him to declare to his friend, Marshall, played by Jason Segel, "This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall! The way I feel about not having kids, I never knew I could love something this much."

Inspired, he creates a new holiday: Not a Father's Day. According to his reasoning, "Why can't there be a day for people who are single and like it that way?" (Hey, Festivus started out as a joke once, too.) Barney then went on to plug notafathersday.com.

Behold, for all your Not a Father's Day needs, an actual Not Father's Day Web site (courtesy of the Fox Shop). The site has a simple, web 1.0 kind of design, lacking silly social networking, widgets, or links to a Flickr pages. This is all about simple service; A bro's bro site that calls to mind the very Web 1.0 concept of TV-Web convergence, which brought the world various Simpson-themed sites like Mr. X's Webpage, which was first mentioned on-air in an episode called "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes."

On notafathersday.com, you can send out a Not a Father's Day postcard or buy a Not a Father's Day mug for that special not-a-father in your life. There's also a list of possible "Not Fathers" including George Clooney, Dr. Seuss, and George Washington.

That last one comes with an asterisk clarifying, "although he was the father of our country."

While CBS may be getting shellacked in the ratings war by Fox (who isn’t, really?), that doesn’t mean the network with a reputation for being a little bit stodgy (sorry, Les) doesn’t have a few tricks up its sleeve. How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) is a case study in how a network leverages a show with a prime demographic to not only market its advertisers, but itself to a younger, hipper audience.

Case in point: last week’s episode starring Britney Spears, which broke the show’s ratings records in key demos (to use the industry parlance). And this was not an aberration. When Bob Barker was set to retire from CBS’s long-running game show The Price Is Right, Mother had an episode celebrating the beloved host with an elaborate plotline in which Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), believing Mr. Barker to be his father, negotiated his way onto the show, where he won the Showcase Showdown (naturally). Earlier this season, around the time CBS had scheduled a Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, in sashayed Heidi Klum and friends. And this week, Barney will promote the network’s NCAA tournament coverage by implementing a tournament-style bracket system to figure out which of his many exes has a vendetta against him. It’s clear the show knows how to play well with its corporate overlords—and without jeopardizing its increasing popularity. What does that say about its key demos?

Don’t worry baby boomers! T.V. hasn’t forgotten about you. That babe Paula Zahn hosts Retirement Revolution (PBS, 10 p.m.). The challenges of becoming a senior citizen are addressed (peeing freely notwithstanding) and a history of the retirement trend is traced. Record it and watch it later—perhaps before your bed time on another day—to avoid the ubiquitous commercials for Life Alert. And the geriatric fun continues …

TUESDAY

Live to Be 150 …Can You Do It? (ABC, 10 p.m.) is hosted by Barbara Walters, who studies the new fountain of youth: drugs which slow the aging process. She also does some interviews—which is typically her wont—with Dorothy Young, a 102 year-old woman who was Harry Houdini’s stage assistant in 1926, yet still dances and paints, and Paul Newman, who’s 83 and likes to race cars. Then Ms. Walters asks a specialist the one question everyone wants to know the answer to: Will she be hosting The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2083?

Between his eight TV shows and 43 restaurants, its hard to tell when Gordon Ramsay is supposed to get a wink of shut-eye, which goes a long way toward explaining his regularly tantrums on Hell’s Kitchen (Fox, 9 p.m.). Or else it's just showbiz! In its fourth season, expect it to become all that much more clear that the American version of the show isn't really about cooking at all, but rather about the volatile Mr. Ramsay and the audience's anticipation of the next, bigger mental explostion—preferably over a bowl of under-cooked ri-zah-to.

WEDNESDAY

As if the heartrending works of Tamara Jenkins (The Savages) or David Franzen (The Corrections) or Mark Haddon (A Spot of Bother) hadn’t done enough, PBS—is there some kind of old people theme this week?—unveils the documentary Caring for Your Parents (9 p.m.) It follows five families as they struggle to take care of old mum and dad. Still want to live to be 150?

Wednesday nights have become a bit of a joke. If you’re a network and you’re not Fox, you’re struggling to get over six million viewers to watch your shows. American Idol (Fox, 9 p.m.) quadruples that in a bad week, even though it’s not the best competition-based reality series on on Wednesday nights. That distinction of course goes to Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.). Who cares what the ratings say? Tonight, however, Idol may have a tiny edge, as it plays host to Dolly Parton, who will be performing to promote her new album. Guess her back is feeling better!

THURSDAY

It’s a well-known fact that NBC Universal chief Jeff Zucker likes to be in front of the camera almost as much as he likes to run the company which owns it (see Curb Your Enthusiasm). Even so, it was odd to read that he will personally offer a recap of this season of My Name Is Earl (NBC, 8 p.m.). Upfronts can’t come soon enough, eh, Jeff?

Meanwhile, ABC drops the curtain on Miss/Guided (ABC, 8 p.m.). It had a solid, if uneventful run, but it was always planned as a short series. Either way, it was not the smartest lead-in for Lost (ABC, 9 p.m.), which, for better or worse, was in reruns for most of the comedy’s run. Lost returns with new episodes on April 24, long after it could have been any help to Miss/Guided or vice versa.

FRIDAY

There are people out there who just love that Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi, 8 p.m.). Don’t bother them tonight, it’s the premiere of season four. As for the fans, isn’t nice to have plans on a Friday night, for once?

Don’t call it a comeback. Britney Spears dusts herself off and puts on some glasses (prop?) to play an amorous receptionist on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30 p.m.). Sadly, between her custody battles, mental breakdowns, and her ill-chosen affair with a paparazzo, the cameo amounts to the only good press the fallen pop star has received in some time. (With that kind of drama, it’s clear why she—and her people—chose for her to be on a sitcom.) Her appearance will likely boost the show’s already strong ratings—it had its second-strongest numbers ever last week for its first new episode after the strike-induced hiatus—introducing the show to a larger swath of America and perhaps finally making it a legitimate inheritor of the Friends mantle.

Oh, yeah, and there’s this war going on. Thanks for reminding us, PBS! Frontline presents Bush’s War (9 p.m.), a five-hour program, broken up into two nights (the conclusion is Tuesday night, same time), recounting the history of the Iraq War. Now there’s a Britney Spears palate cleanser for you!

Meanwhile, Donnie Wahlberg hosts a special episode of Intervention (A&E, 9 p.m.) which focuses on heroin addiction in Boston suburbs. It’s a two-part series. Next week they address Dunkin’ Donuts.

TUESDAY

Autism sucks. So do most musicals. Put them together, however, and apparently you have one damn good documentary. Autism: The Musical (HBO, 8 p.m.) follows six children with the disorder as they prepare for a musical production. Kleenex not included.

’Til Death (Fox, 9:30 p.m.), the marriage sitcom starring Brad Garrett and Eddie Kaye Thomas (not together, unfortunately), returns tonight following American Idol (Fox, 8 p.m.). Garrett was really funny on Everybody Over 65 Loves Raymond. Yeah …

Dancing With the Stars has been on for about a week now, so the producers have decided to offer a recap (ABC, 8 p.m.). Jeez, talk about an insult to their audience’s intelligence. Oh, right, they watch Dancing With the Stars.

WEDNESDAY

Perhaps it was the editing, but wasn’t chef Wylie Dufresne incredibly quick and, well, oral with his opinions on last week’s episode of Top Chef (BRAVO, 10 p.m.)? Now if only he could work on the name of his restaurant. WD-50—which sounds like the latest edition of that stuff you spray into your doorknob—doesn’t exactly get the salivary glands working.

Kimberley Locke’s on Idol (Fox, 9 p.m.). Who’s Kimberley Locke? She’s the one who came in third place behind Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard in the 2003 incarnation of the show. Oh, right … Nope, still nothing.

Bonus: Remember the dude from the Oscars who was holding that weird puppet when he accepted his award. He won for best animated short. Perhaps after seeing it, Peter and the Wolf (PBS, 8 p.m.), his behavior will make more sense. But that probably won’t make him seem any less crazy.

THURSDAY

Lost (ABC, 9 p.m.) is a repeat. Luckily, two captivating reality series host their finales tonight: The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9 p.m.) and Randy Jackson Presents: American’s Best Dance Crew (MTV, 10 p.m.). And by lucky, I mean totally disinterested with the opportunity to squeeze in some much neglected reading.

I kid!

That’s because there’s some thrilling NCAA tournament action on CBS (7 p.m.). This is a kind of reality television from before Survivor where people play basketball against each other and teams get eliminated!

FRIDAY

I keep meaning to watch Amnesia (NBC, 8 p.m.). But I keep forgetting. (Thanks, folks. I’m here all week.)

Of note, the season finales of In Treatment (HBO, 9 p.m.) and Free Radio (VH1, 9:30 p.m.) are tonight. Ray Romano stars on one. Can you guess which?

SUNDAY

Showtime debuts Tracey Ullman’s new show Tracey Ullman’s State of the Union (10 p.m.). The show reportedly promises day-in-the-life of sketches about David Beckham, Rita Cosby, Tony “Paulie Walnuts” Sirico, and Arianna Huffington. Now there’s a cast of the Surreal Life I’d consider watching …

Does anyone remember laughter? O.K. maybe times haven’t been that tough, but the country’s diaphragms have been woefully underused these last couple of months (even with Jimmy Kimmel f**king Ben Affleck) with the absence of new episodes of veteran sitcoms (and movies like Semi-Pro plaguing the theaters). But tonight, all of that changes with fresh installments of How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) and Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9 p.m.). (Rookie breakout The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.) has a new episode, too!) Watch—it’s bound to feel like the television equivalent of make-up sex.

The evening is rife with unintentional comedy, too. And I’m not just talking about New Amsterdam (Fox, 9 p.m.). I kid. (You couldn’t pay me to watch that show!) Both Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.) and The Bachelor (ABC, 9 p.m.) return. The producers of Stars have outdone themselves this season by corralling Steve Guttenberg. It’s good to know he’s still alive. He’ll be competing against the Dolphins’ Jason Taylor, Penn Jillette, and Adam Carolla, amongst others (but who cares about them?). Is there a winner in the bunch? Trick question!

Bonus: it’s the season finale of Medium (NBC, 10 p.m.) and an opportunity, perchance, to continue one’s streak of never … watching … Medium—even if Patricia Arquette is a snaggle-tooth beauty.

TUESDAY

The funny continues? Well, ABC would like to think so as it unveils sitcom Miss/Guided (10:30 p.m.). Dumping it that late may not instill a lot of confidence, but they make up for it by stacking the deck Thursday, putting back-to-back episodes of it as Lost’s lead-in. The show stars Judy Greer—fun fact: she played George Bluth’s secretary and mistress on Arrested Development—as a woman who returns to her high school alma mater as a guidance counselor. Incidentally, it’s a single camera comedy like AD. She must be hoping it lasts a bit longer, no?

There’s probably little overlap between fans of Project Runway and college basketball. But for those unfortunate souls stuck in the center of that Venn diagram, tonight may pose a small problem. Yes, I’m aware that the season of Project Runway is over. But that doesn’t keep Tim Gunn from spreading his fashion sense throughout the NBC Universal kingdom, as is his wont. Tonight, he appears on The Biggest Loser (8 p.m.) at about the same time as the opening night game of the NCAA tournament (ESPN, 7:30 p.m.) gets going. This is obviously what they invented DVR for. (Meanwhile, if your Project Runway jones is still not satisfied, the fierce and fabulous Christian Siriano will be on Make Me a Supermodel (Bravo, 10 p.m.) on Thursday. That’s so tranny!)

Bonus: The Truth Behind Sitcom Scandals (Bio, 10 p.m.) serves up the dish on The Love Boat and M.A.S.H. As if we didn’t have enough scandals to keep track of …

WEDNESDAY

Thinking about getting married? Well, you might want to stay away from 20/20 on WE’s three-part series on marriage. First, they’re going to examine “dangerous marital secrets,” like the one which played a hand in a doctor’s wife being murdered on Valentine’s Day. (From “I do” to “I did it”!) It’s the perfect segue into the second part, suspicious deaths within marriages. It is not clear what the third part is about, but it’ll probably involve prostitutes—you know, just to be timely.

Elsewhere, American Idol (Fox, 9 p.m.) and Moment of Truth (Fox, 8 p.m.) continue their dominance.

THURSDAY

Last week’s episode of Lost (ABC, 9 p.m.) posted the show’s lowest ratings of the season. Perhaps it had something to do with it being the third heart-rending episode in a row. Or perhaps people just don’t like to read subtitles. Whatever the case, can we get a good old-fashioned phantom-rocking-chair-in-a-deserted -cabin episode real soon? I miss Jacob.

Straight from the WTF file: ten wannabe child stars compete for the chance to be trained by Danny Bonaduce on I Know My Child’s a Star (VH1, 10 p.m.). Being Bonaduce seemed hard enough for the former child star, now he’s going to teach others how to do it? Oh, man. Do these parents want their kids to go to rehab before they’re bar-mitzvahed?

FRIDAY

James Van Der Beek is on Free Radio (VH1, 9:30 p.m.), the improvised comedy sitcom starring Lance Krall, as the intern of a popular radio show who’s called in to replace its host when he leaves for satellite radio. His shtick is to ineptly interview celebrities. Let’s hope this leads to better things for James, who hasn’t been the same since he left Dawson’s Creek. Maybe he should have married Tom Cruise?

SUNDAY

Oprah’s Big Give (ABC, 9 p.m.) does its best to mimic Brewster’s Millions, when it gives contestants a day to give away hundreds of thousands of dollars. Bear Sterns were brought in as consultants.

They’re bringing us musicals, vampires and swingers!

But the big news broke yesterday: they’ll be renewing How I Met Your Mother, the hilarious show you’re not watching (fill up the Netflix queue with the first and second season). This morning came the official announcement of that decision, as well as confirming the new comedy and three new dramas added to their fall line-up.

Hugh Jackman is producing and starring in a mystery musical called Viva Laughlin, an American version of BBC’s Viva Blackpool, a wealthy casino entrepreneur and an ambitious businessman in Nevada.

The West Wing’s Jimmy Smits will lead Cane, a drama about an Cuban-American family who runs a rum and sugar cane business in Florida. This could be a snoozer, unless you knock back a few Long Island Iced teas while you’re watching.

Moonlight is some kind cross between the X-Files and Buffy the Vampire Slayer about a detective who investigates the undead. Spooky.

And the new comedy from the producer of Two and a Half Men brings two nerds (Johnny Galecki of Roseanne and Jim Parsons of Judging Amy) and a sexy mentor for The Big Bang Theory. A sultry Kaley Cuoco of 8 Simple Rules trades info about the birds and the bees for their knowledge about quantum physics. Seems like a Weird Science project to us.

Swingtown, a midseason series, is CBS’s biggest leap from their usually tame line-up. The director of Big Love will bring audiences into the suburban homes of 1970s swingers.

The full press release:

05.16.2007 CBS ANNOUNCES 2007-2008 PRIMETIME SCHEDULE

Five New Series Added To America's Most-Watched Network

New Shows Feature Diverse and Daring Concepts Including "VIVA LAUGHLIN," Where Drama is Accented by Iconic Music; "CANE," Starring Jimmy Smits as the Head of a Powerful South Florida Cuban Family; "MOONLIGHT," a Romantic Thriller with a New Twist on the Vampire Legend;

"THE BIG BANG THEORY," a Comedy About Genius Geeks; and "KID NATION," a New Reality Series Where 40 Kids Try to Build a New Society in an Abandoned Ghost Town

Seventeen Current Series Return to a Lineup

That Features More Time Period-Winning Programs Than Any Other Network

"THE AMAZING RACE" and "THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE" Picked Up for Mid-Season Along with the New Drama "SWINGTOWN"

Game Show "POWER OF 10," Hosted by Drew Carey, Ordered for Summer

CBS announced today its 2007-2008 Fall Primetime lineup, featuring five new series - one comedy, three dramas and one reality program.

These freshman series will join 17 returning programs on the current CBS lineup, which will win the 2006-2007 season in viewers and adults 25-54, continuing the Network's multi-year winning streak.

The five new series feature bold and creative concepts, including Viva Laughlin, where drama is accented by iconic music; Cane, starring Jimmy Smits as the head of a powerful South Florida Cuban-American family; Moonlight, a romantic thriller with a new twist on the vampire legend; The Big Bang Theory, a comedy about genius geeks from "Two and A Half Men" co-creator Chuck Lorre; and KID NATION, a reality series where 40 kids will try to build a new society in an abandoned ghost town.

"We approached our development this year with a specific goal in mind - to be daring and different," said Nina Tassler, President, CBS Entertainment. "The Fall and mid-season series we have selected offer creativity and variety with great potential to excite and surprise television audiences everywhere."

These new shows will be woven into a deep and successful lineup that returns more series and has more time period-winning programs than any other network. CBS will return television's Number One drama and scripted program, CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION; the Number One comedy, TWO AND A HALF MEN; the Number One new comedy, RULES OF ENGAGEMENT; the Number One news magazine, 60 MINUTES; and the premiere reality series, SURVIVOR.

Also returning are: HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, CSI: MIAMI, NCIS, THE UNIT, CRIMINAL MINDS, CSI: NY, WITHOUT A TRACE, GHOST WHISPERER, NUMB3RS, COLD CASE and SHARK, as well as 48 HOURS: MYSTERY and CRIMETIME SATURDAY.

The new 2007-2008 schedule is:

On Monday, CBS adds a new series to television's top rated comedy lineup. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, with a young and loyal audience, returns at 8:00 PM, paired with the new genius comedy THE BIG BANG THEORY at 8:30 PM to form a young adult comedy block. From 9:00-10:00 PM, CBS returns television's top comedy, TWO AND A HALF MEN, followed by the Number One new comedy, RULES OF ENGAGEMENT. At 10:00 PM, CSI: MIAMI, the night's Number One scripted series, returns for its sixth season.

On Tuesday, the Top 20 hit NCIS and THE UNIT return from 8:00-10:00 PM. This successful two-hour drama block will serve as a launching pad for the stylish new drama CANE at 10:00 PM.

On Wednesday, CBS returns its successful duo of CRIMINAL MINDS and CSI: NY from 9:00-11:00 PM. Earlier in the evening at 8:00 PM, the network will try something very different with a new reality series, KID NATION, starring 40 remarkable kids attempting to prove they can form a functioning society in an abandoned New Mexico ghost town, where their adult predecessors failed.

On Thursday, CBS returns one of television's top dramas, WITHOUT A TRACE, to 10:00 PM, joining forces once again with the time period-winning SURVIVOR at 8:00 PM and CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION, television's Number One drama, at 9:00 PM.

CBS will again use an established series as a launch pad for a new one on Friday. GHOST WHISPERER opens at 8:00 PM as a compatible lead-in to the new romantic thriller MOONLIGHT at 9:00 PM, followed by the return of the time period-winning drama NUMB3RS at 10:00 PM.

Saturdays will feature CBS's CRIMETIME programming from 8:00-10:00 PM, followed by 48 HOURS: MYSTERY, the night's top-rated program.

On Sunday, CBS will once again open with 60 MINUTES, the perennial Number One newsmagazine on television. At 8:00 PM, CBS will make one of its biggest moves with one of its boldest new s
hows, VIVA LAUGHLIN, a drama with music, based on the British hit "Viva Blackpool." From 9:00-11:00 PM, the network will program a two-hour block of successful crime and justice with the growing COLD CASE and the sophomore series SHARK.

In addition to the new series for Fall, the network announced the pick up of three programs for midseason, including the four-time Emmy Award-winning THE AMAZING RACE, the comedy THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE, starring Emmy Award winner Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and the provocative new drama SWINGTOWN.

The network also announced it has ordered the reality series POWER OF 10, hosted by comedian Drew Carey ("The Drew Carey Show") for this summer.

The new comedy is:

THE BIG BANG THEORY is a comedy from the Emmy Award nominated Co-Creator and Executive Producer of "Two and a Half Men" Chuck Lorre, about brainy best friends Leonard (Johnny Galecki, "Roseanne") and Sheldon (Jim Parsons "Judging Amy"), who can tell you anything you want to know about quantum physics, but when it comes to dealing with everyday life here on earth they're lost in the cosmos. Neither fully understands that scientific principles don't always apply in matters of the heart - until they meet their sexy new neighbor Penny (Kaley Cuoco, "8 Simple Rules..."), a friendly screenwriter/waitress from the midwest who also happens to be newly single. She quickly makes an impression on the other members of Leonard and Sheldon's geek squad - Howard Wolowitz (Simon Helberg, "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"), who portrays himself as the Casanova of Cal Tech, and fellow whiz kid Rajesh Koothrappali (Kunal Nayyar, "NCIS"), who is rendered speechless around anyone unprepared to converse about the Theory of Relativity or other scientific jargon. The chemistry between this gaggle of geniuses and a delightful damsel is about to undergo a stimulating series of inter-personal experiments. Multiple Emmy Award winner James Burrows ("Will & Grace") directed the pilot. Lorre and Bill Prady ("Gilmore Girls," "Dharma & Greg") are executive producers for Warner Bros. Television.

The new dramas are:

Executive produced by Tony and Emmy Award winner Hugh Jackman ("The Boy from Oz," "X-Men"), VIVA LAUGHLIN is a mystery drama with music about eternal optimist and freewheeling businessman Ripley Holden, whose sole ambition is to run a casino in Laughlin, Nev. Occasionally using upbeat contemporary songs to accentuate the drama and humor and advance the story, the series is based on the hit BBC show "Viva Blackpool." Ripley (Lloyd Owen, "The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles") is the ultimate gambler with an infectious personality who is on the brink of making a killing... just as soon as he opens his casino that's nowhere near completion. When his financing suddenly falls through, the fearless and tenacious Ripley approaches his enemy - dashing, sarcastic, wealthy casino owner Nicky Fontana (Hugh Jackman) for help. Though the odds are stacked against him, Ripley doesn't miss a beat, even when he becomes embroiled in a murder investigation after the body of his ex-business partner is found at his club. At home, Ripley uses his dry wit to adjust to the demands of his family: his gorgeous wife, Natalie (Madchen Amick, "ER"), wants more attention; his teenage daughter, Cheyenne (Ellen Woglom, "The O.C."), wants his approval; and his son, Jack (Carter Jenkins, "Surface"), wants to help him at work. All of this adversity would defeat a lesser man, but for the outgoing and passionate Ripley there's no such thing as bad news, only deals to be struck and wagers to be won in the intoxicating neon glow of Laughlin, where the cards are on the table, romance is in the air and lively music is on the stage. Eric Winter ("Wildfire") and D.B. Woodside ("24") also star. Directed by Gabriele Muccino ("The Pursuit of Happyness"). Golden Globe Award nominee Hugh Jackman, John Palermo ("X-Men: The Last Stand"), Bob Lowry ("Huff"), Paul Telegdy and Peter Bowker ("Viva Blackpool") are executive producers for BBC Worldwide Productions, Seed Productions, CBS Paramount Network Television in association with Sony Pictures Television.

CANE stars Emmy and Golden Globe Award winner Jimmy Smits ("The West Wing") in an epic drama about the external rivalries and internal power struggles of a large Cuban-American family running an immensely successful rum and sugar business in South Florida. When the family patriarch, Pancho (Hector Elizondo, "Chicago Hope"), is offered a lucrative but questionable deal by his bitter adversary, the Samuels, to purchase thousands of acres of sugar fields, he's faced with a tough choice: Should he cash out of the sugar business and focus solely on rum, which would please his impulsive natural son, Frank (Nestor Carbonell, "Lost"), or protect the family legacy that he built from the ground up by not selling, and side with his adopted son, Alex (Smits), who mistrusts the Samuels and still sees value in sugar. Alex and Frank's approach to business is as different as their approach to life. While Frank might lose focus chasing women, Alex is deeply in love with his beautiful wife, Isabel (Paola Turbay, "Bailando por un Sueño"), who is also Pancho's daughter. Married when she was just 17 years old, Isabel balances Alex by choosing not to involve herself in the business, focusing instead on their three children, who are determined to forge their own paths outside the family. For the Duques, will family allegiance come first or will their secrets and acrimonious conflicts over love, lust and control of the family fortune be their downfall? Eddie Matos ("General Hospital"), Rita Moreno ("West Side Story"), Michael Trevino ("The Riches"), Lina Esco ("CSI: NY"), Sam Carman ("Bones"), Alona Tal ("Veronica Mars") and Polly Walker ("Rome") also star. Cynthia Cidre ("The Mambo Kings"), Jonathan Prince ("American Dreams"), Jimmy Iovine ("8 Mile") and Polly Anthony ("Lifehouse: Live in Portland!") are the executive producers for ABC Studios in association with CBS Paramount Network Television.

MOONLIGHT, from prolific movie producer Joel Silver ("The Matrix," Trilogy), is about Mick St. John (Alex O'Loughlin, upcoming "White Out"), a captivating "undead" private investigator who uses his acute vampire senses to help the living... instead of feeding on them. In an agonizing twist of fate, Mick was "bitten" 60 years ago by his new bride, the seductive and beguiling Coraline (Amber Valletta, "Hitch"). Immortal and eternally as young, handsome and charismatic as he was then, Mick is sickened by Coraline and other vampires who view humans only as a source of nourishment. With only a handful of undead confidantes for company, including deceitful ally Josef (Rade Serbedzija, "24"), Mick fills his infinite days protecting the living, and trying not to think about how his life would have been if he hadn't followed his heart. However, after six decades of resisting, he wonders if it's time to pursue the love of a mortal. He has his eyes on Beth Turner, a beautiful, ambitious reporter who has been covering the ongoing plague of unusual murders. But would Beth even consider giving up a normal life to be with him, and can Mick risk the pain of seeing himself as a monster in her eyes? As Mick lives between two realities, fighting his adversaries among the undead and falling in love with Beth, he knows he needs to figure out a reason to keep "living." MOONLIGHT is directed by ex
ecutive producer Rod Holcomb ("ER"). Joel Silver, Ron Koslow ("Birds of Prey"), Trevor Munson and Gerard Bocaccio are also executive producers for Warner Bros. Television.

The new reality series is:

KID NATION is a reality-based series in which 40 kids will have 40 days to build a new world - in a ghost town that died in the 19th Century. These kids, ages 8-15, will spend more than a month without their parents or modern comforts in Bonanza City, N.M., attempting to do what their forefathers could not - build a town that works. They will cook their own meals, clean their own outhouses, haul their own water and even run their own businesses - including the old town saloon (root beer only). They'll also create a real government - four kid leaders who will guide the group through their adventure, pass laws and set bedtimes. Through it all, they'll cope with regular childhood emotions and situations: homesickness, peer pressure and the urge to break every rule they've ever known. At the end of each episode, all 40 kids will gather at an old fashioned Town Hall meeting where they will debate the issues facing Bonanza City. They'll show wisdom beyond their years and the unflinching candor that only kids can exhibit. There are no eliminations on KID NATION - you only go home if you want to. And in every Town Hall meeting, kids may raise their hands and leave. Will they stick it out? In the end, will these kids prove to adults everywhere (and their own parents!) that they have the vision to build a better world than the pioneers who came before them? And just as importantly, will they come together as a cohesive unit, or will they abandon all responsibility and succumb to the childhood temptations that lead to round-the-clock chaos? KID NATION is produced by Emmy Award winner Tom Forman ("Extreme Makeover: Home Edition") for Tom Forman Prods. and Good TV, Inc.

The new summer reality series is:

POWER OF 10, hosted by award-winning comedian Drew Carey ("The Drew Carey Show"), is a high-stakes game that challenges contestants to guess the behaviors, opinions and lifestyle choices of the American public for the chance to win $10 million. POWER OF 10 polls thousands of people across the U.S. asking them, well, just about everything - from "What percentage of married Americans said they were virgins the day they got married?" to "What percentage of American's believe they are smarter than the president?" Each week, contestants must decide if they have their finger on the pulse of the American majority and can accurately predict the results of these nationwide surveys. With the first question worth $1,000 and only five questions to answer, each one increasing 10 times in value, contestants participate in a potentially lucrative game where they just might walk away with $10 million. The higher they are on the money ladder, the closer they must be to the actual statistic. The studio audience and a friend can help them, but the final answer is theirs. Michael Davies ("Who Wants to be a Millionaire") is executive producer for Embassy Row in association with Sony Pictures Television.

The new midseason series is:

SWINGTOWN, from the director of "Big Love" and "Rome," peeks into the shag-carpeted suburban homes of the 1970s to find couples reveling in the sexual and social revolution that introduced open marriages, women's liberation and challenged many conventional wisdoms. During this heady era of provocative change, Susan (Molly Parker, "Deadwood") and Bruce Miller (Jack Davenport, "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest") move their family to an affluent Chicago suburb in search of a different sense of community, and they look forward to barbecues and get-togethers with their new neighbors, as well as a change of pace for their teenage daughter and pre-teen son. Enter Tom (Grant Show, "Melrose Place") and Trina (Lana Parrilla, "24") Decker, a striking, outgoing couple on the hunt who redefine the term "neighborhood watch." After a mind-blowing evening with them, Susan and Bruce realize that couples in this town share much more than recipes, local gossip and a view of Lake Michigan, and are worlds apart from their former conservative neighbors, Janet (Miriam Shor, "Big Day") and Roger (Josh Hopkins, "Brothers & Sisters") Thompson. Susan's loyal friend Janet is appalled by what she witnesses in this new neighborhood, while Roger, though dutiful to his wife, may be more intrigued than she knows. In a changing social climate - defined by its music, fashion and style - everyone in SWINGTOWN is confronted with personal choices, experimentation and shifting attitudes. Shanna Collins ("Wildfire"), Aaron Howles and Brittany Robertson ("Freddie") also star. Mike Kelley ("The O.C.") and director Alan Poul ("Six Feet Under") are executive producers for CBS Paramount Network Television.

The following is the 2007-2008 CBS Television Network Primetime schedule"

CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

2007-2008 PRIMETIME SCHEDULE

(N=New, NT=New Time, all times ET/PT)

MONDAY

8:00-8:30 PM HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

8:30-9:00 PM THE BIG BANG THEORY (N)

9:00-9:30 PM TWO AND A HALF MEN

9:30-10:00 PM RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

10:00-11:00 PM CSI: MIAMI

TUESDAY

8:00-9:00 PM NCIS

9:00-10:00 PM THE UNIT

10:00-11:00 PM CANE (N)

WEDNESDAY

8:00-9:00 PM KID NATION (N)

9:00-10:00 PM CRIMINAL MINDS

10:00-11:00 PM CSI: NY

THURSDAY

8:00-9:00 PM SURVIVOR

9:00-10:00 PM CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION

10:00-11:00 PM WITHOUT A TRACE (NT)

FRIDAY

8:00-9:00 PM GHOST WHISPERER

9:00-10:00 PM MOONLIGHT (N)

10:00-11:00 PM NUMB3RS

SATURDAY

8:00-9:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY

9:00-10:00 PM CRIMETIME SATURDAY

10:00-11:00 PM 48 HOURS: MYSTERY

SUNDAY

7:00-8:00 PM 60 MINUTES

8:00-9:00 PM VIVA LAUGHLIN (N)

9:00-10:00 PM COLD CASE

10:00-11:00 PM SHARK (NT)

Reader, he married her. A quiet wedding they had: Ted and—

Actually, about the only thing viewers of the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother know for sure is that Ted’s happily ever after is already well under way by 2030. That’s the year he will corral his daughter and son into sitting semi-still while he voiceovers the present-day, Upper East Side–set tale of how their parents crossed paths and never uncrossed.

The result of that too-cute Wonder Years–recalling conceit is the best comedy on television that you’ve probably never watched.

The Best Show on Television You Aren’t Watching: That blessing is usually more of a curse, or a sort of excuse saved up for the brilliant but weird programs that have sneaked onto the networks from HBO and Showtime, with varying degrees of success. But How I Met Your Mother (Mondays at 8 p.m.) isn’t as densely quiet as Friday Night Lights, as off-putting as Arrested Development, as willfully surreal as anything starring Andy Richter.

In fact, the show—from the former Letterman writers Carter Bays and Craig Thomas—is an exceedingly well-written and mostly straightforward multi-camera comedy, following five New Yorkers in their 20’s from their tchotchke-cluttered apartments, directly downstairs to their favorite yet utterly average Irish pub, off to their time-wasting jobs, back to the bar for happy hour—with stops in between at crappy strip clubs, disappointing New Year’s parties, overcrowded brunch places and numerous bad dates. The show’s cast is an appealing and believable mix—an architect, a law student, a reporter, a kindergarten teacher and a, well, businessman of some sort (you know the type—he wears a suit, owns a 300-inch flat-screen, but what does he do?)—with a rare and natural chemistry. There’s a laugh track, but it’s largely unnecessary.

Sound something like Friends? How I Met Your Mother deserves to be just as big. It should be an absolute phenomenon, oft-quoted around every actual or metaphorical water cooler—but for whatever reason (lack of support, lack of imagination, basic corporate greed), CBS has been unwilling to promote it all that much, recently passing it over for the hit-making post–Super Bowl time slot. There are even rumors of its cancellation.

So tune in now. Save this show. It’s not too late. Despite the title, Ted hasn’t even met their mother yet.

LET'S FORGET, FOR THE MOMENT, how Ted (Josh Radnor) will meet his wife—who is she going to be?

The process of elimination has thus far crossed out only Ted’s current girlfriend, Robin (Cobie Smulders), and his best friend’s fiancé, Lily (Alyson Hannigan)—both knighted in the narration with the honorific “aunt”—which leaves about 134,000 potential guest stars between the ages of 20 and 34 on the island of Manhattan for Ted to fall for, propose to, marry, impregnate, grow old with and tired of, and then be buried beside.

It was maybe a mistake for the show’s writers to disqualify Robin right off the bat (the next-to-last line of the pilot being “And that, kids, was the true story of how I met … your Aunt Robin”). After all, Heraclitus wrote, “The harmonious structure of the world depends upon opposite tension like that of the bow and the lyre,” which was pre-Socratic Greek for the ancient sitcom law of “Opposites Attract.”

There is, in this romance, a fresh inversion of the usual gender roles: Where Ted is a skinny slip of a schoolgirl, always daydreaming clichés about his wedding day, Robin is (in addition to being a Lauren Graham–like brunette giantess) a real man’s man, commitment-phobic and prickly and mostly immune to schmaltz, the owner of five dogs and no DVD not directed by John Woo, an aficionado of Cuban cigars and fine Scotch, and a frequent letter-writer to Guns & Ammo magazine. Her persona, to be fair, is as fabricated and reactionary as Reagan’s. After all, on an episode this past November, it was revealed that she was once a teenage pop star in Canada.

Sometime in the mid-90’s—which is apparently when our 80’s finally traversed the 49th parallel—Robin, her hair teased out and blond, had a minor hit in her home country entitled “Let’s Go to the Mall.” Lyrics included “Put on your jelly bracelets / And your cool graffiti coat / At the mall, having fun is what it’s all aboot!” (Her fake video, featuring A.V. Club special effects, much jamming upon a key-tar and a robot—you know, doing the robot—also became a minor hit on YouTube. Look it up.) Anyway, instead of shaving her head and getting shipped off to rehab, Robin just threw out her bedazzled jean jacket, changed her surname from Sparkles back to Scherbatzky, and emigrated south to become a soft-nosed reporter for NY1 News. She will not enter malls of any kind.

About Ted: Imagine if Patrick Dempsey in Can’t Buy Me Love hadn’t grown up to be Patrick Dempsey in Grey’s Anatomy, but instead stayed basically as adorable, awkward, eager. It’s a testament to newcomer Josh Radnor that, as Ted hurries love, he mostly avoids a) irritating the crap out of viewers at home and b) having every girl he meets immediately take out a restraining order against him.

MUCH OF THE SHOW'S EARLY PUBLICITY was devoted to the fact that the casting directors had organized something of a nerd summit. There was Willow, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, sharing the same soundstage with Doogie Howser, M.D., and one of the freaks from Freaks and Geeks. Reviewers regarded it with the same mix of nostalgia and condescension they might have an all-star skit at Comic Con.

Alyson Hannigan as Lily did spend a lot of the first season performing a lot of her best-ofs from Buffy. But in the second season, after Lily broke off her engagement with Ted’s roommate—big, sweet Marshall (played by a comic wizard of heartache, Jason Segel, from Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared)—moved to San Francisco, dyed her hair and returned to win Marshall
back, we’ve had an inkling of the real girl this cute Muppet might grow up into.

Then there’s Neil Patrick Harris as our aforementioned businessman, Barney.

This season, most of the publicity has been preoccupied with Mr. Harris’ sexuality both on the show (ludicrously straight) and off (happily gay). This coverage reveals our terrible hypocrisy: We willingly suspend our disbelief whenever the gorgeous college dropouts who populate Hollywood intubate blocked airways, transplant organs, process crime scenes and disarm nukes, but balk at a gay actor playing straight—even if it’s a sharp, hilarious caricature of a suited-up man-child who picks up drunk chicks and then sneaks out while they’re showering. If he’s feeling particularly sensitive, he will leave her his form letter, in which he claims to be a ghost who spent his last night on earth boning the hell out of her.

Thanks to Mr. Harris, Barney is another sitcom lothario in the same way that Homer Simpson is just another sitcom dad. Barney, in the character’s own words, takes it to the next level: He is manic, inventive, a poet of buffoonery. And where, say, Joey on Friends spent a decade or more dining out on a single line—“How you doin’?”—Barney is a catchphrase factory. A brief excerpt from the Barney lexicon:

Awesome: along with Legendary, this is Barney’s highest and most frequently deployed compliment, as in “Playing laser tag is awesome!” It can also be used to refer to a refined and enlightened state of Barney-ness, as in, “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”

Lemon Law: A rule permitting one to end a date for any reason in the first five minutes, no questions asked. When a woman later lemon-laws him, he regrets not calling it “Barney’s Law.”

Broing-away Party: One last night of fun before Ted moves in with Robin and becomes a “hen-pecked, beaten-down shell of a man.” See also, Special Broccasion, Bro-Choice Party, Brotime at the Apollo.

Sex Visa: A 12-hour guest pass allowing women to visit the heart of Bachelor Country, i.e., Barney’s apartment (“Fourteen hours if you qualify for multiple entry.”)

Soul Boner: The good feeling Barney gets while volunteering at a soup kitchen.

Barney, like Robin, is a work of art, of self-reinvention. Of course, a show concerned with memory has to digress again and again into flashback; and so we’ve already seen Ted’s ill-conceived goatee and how the Pogues cassette got permanently stuck in the tape deck of Marshall’s Pontiac Fiero; we’ve visited the loss of each friend’s virginity, and seen a younger, poncho-wearing Barney, a gentle coffeehouse hippie, languidly preparing for a tour in the Peace Corps with his lady love. This was back when he threw out peace signs instead of high-fives. This was back when he had a heart that, once broken, he didn’t bother to replace.

TWO SEASONS OF How I Met Your Mother and still no mother: It makes you realize how lazy and rigged most romantic comedies are—little pop quizzes, with always the same answer. Two people meet cute; can’t stand one another; can’t stay away from one another; get into whatever disagreement will occupy the film’s second act; and then collapse into each other’s arms like castaways finally being rescued by the Coast Guard.

But How I Met Your Mother wants to show more than the final inning of the final game of our love lives—it wants to go back over the entire season, pre-season, training camp, little league, all of it, everything: all the failed relationships and false starts and fuck-ups, all the preparatory work that each of us have to go through in order to become someone else’s One. With every 22-minute chunk of this saga, it’s clear that this is not merely the story of how Ted met his kids’ mother; in front of this audience of his offspring, he’s reconstructing the whole narrative, start to finish, of how he grew up into the best version of Ted—the one their mother could meet and love.

The last time somebody sat down and decided to remember everything, we got In Search of Lost Time. This time, we get a sitcom—but maybe the funniest, most touching sitcom in years.