Janney, Platt, Laurie and Shawkat in The Oranges.

Leaden and cliché-riddled, The Oranges is, for starters, not about the four neighboring townships in New Jersey. There are no emerald green lawns in New Jersey in December (and it was filmed in New Rochelle). No, it’s about two neighboring dysfunctional families—instead of just one—who live across the street from each other. David and Paige Walling (Hugh Laurie and Catherine Keener) have been best friends with Terry and Carol Ostroff (Oliver Platt and Allison Janney) for years. They exercise, barbecue, raise their kids and celebrate Christmas together, and frankly it’s as boring to them as it is to the viewer. Paige is obsessed with Christmas and spends too much time shopping for ornaments and organizing her choir of carol-singing flakes to pay much attention to David, who holes up every night in front of his TV set in his off-limits “man cave.” (Shades of Tommy Lee Jones in the brighter, far superior Hope Springs.) Their marriage has hit a speed bump, and one of the many things wrong with this movie is that nobody ever bothers to explain why.

But things are about to change in the teeth-clenching dramedy of a TV sitcom, when the Ostroffs’ daughter Nina (Leighton Meester) returns home after five years away at college (Huh? No summer vacations or Thanksgiving reunions in five years?) and a hippie romance that has just hit the rocks, and starts sleeping with Mr. Walling, who is more than twice her age. All hell breaks loose, making for easy laughs and weak double entendres, and all of the other members of the two families are forced to rethink their own lives, while the story plods along in voiceover narration by the Wallings’ dumpy, pot-smoking daughter Vanessa (Alia Shawkat).

Only a British director making his first film (Julian Farino) could pile on so many clichés tackling a subject as foreign as warped American domesticity and eccentric suburbanites trying to cope with the Christmas holidays. Instead of discussing the sexual revolution in their own bedrooms in a rational manner, the men rant, the wives suffer breakdowns, Allison Janney delivers a demented lecture on what happens when penises age and poor Catherine Keener, in a thankless role as the sour-faced Walling matriarch, leaves her two children home with their hormonally charged father while she maxes out his Visa renting an entire bed and breakfast to sulk in, and drives over the family Christmas decorations with her automobile. What does David see in his best friends’ vapid daughter in the first place? Why does Nina fall in love with a family friend her father’s age? Can’t anyone just talk to each other? Finally you come to the conclusion that you just couldn’t care less.

The cast practically throws their hips out of place running a marathon to build characters where none are provided by script writers Ian Helfer and Jay Reiss, who go for quirky sentimentality where sanity should be. The lackluster direction is pretty much what you might expect from a man who has helmed episodes of Sex and the City and The Office. The film is worth seeing for the excellent ensemble work by a cast that, although diligent and appealing, remain somewhat less than thrilling. They do their best to plumb the depths of domestic dysfunction, but in the end, The Oranges does not quite deliver the goods.

rreed@observer.com

THE ORANGES

Running Time 91 minutes

Written by Ian Helfer and Jay Reiss

Directed by Julian Farino

Starring Leighton Meester, Hugh Laurie and Catherine Keener

2/4

After peaking at the #5 slot for total viewers in its third season, the show came in at #42 in its seventh. Its most recent episode had just over 7 million viewers, down from a season average of just under 20 million in that vaunted third season. House has been a valuable asset to Universal Television, having been sold into syndication across the world.

Forget about Bridget Jones’s Diary or Love, Actually (but just for a minute!). This 1995 Ang Lee film is about as satisfying a romantic film as you are going to get, compliments of Jane Austen (natch). There’s the always-fabulous Emma Thompson (who wrote the screenplay) as poor good-girl Elinor Dashwood, the sensible sister as opposed to Kate Winslet’s tempestuous loves-to-walk-even-when-it’s-raining Marianne. Hugh Grant is the stuttering swoopy-haired Edward Ferrars! Tom Wilkinson is the dad! Alan Rickman loves Kate Winslet but she loves the feckless John Willoughby (played by Greg Wise, who in real life  has babies with Emma Thompson). We’re telling you this one has it all—including an excellent but far-too-small role by our would-be husband Hugh Laurie as the grouchy (typecasting!) Mr. Palmer. Swoon city.  [HBO2, 2:00 p.m.]

 Tuesday: Broadcast News 

This will movie will make you laugh and break your heart. Albert Brooks, William Hurt and Holly Hunter star in this 1987 classic from James L. Brooks.  You think it’s nuts now with Maddow and O’Reilly and that crazy big-headed Keith Olbermann? Check out the wacky network news crowd, where Mr. Brooks is the hilarious sweaty-mess smart reporter who just can’t compete with William Hurt’s pretty boy, cry-on-camera WASP-y appeal. Also, look for Jack Nicholson in an unbilled cameo as the big cheese network news anchor. Can you imagine a world where Jack Nicholson is your local news anchor? No offense to Pat Kiernan, but that is a wonderful world indeed. [AMC, 4:30 a.m.]

Wednesday: Make Me a Supermodel

We can’t lie: We’re a little bit sad that this is the last episode of Make Me a Supermodel. Somehow those evil geniuses over at Bravo came up with a way to make America’s Next Top Model even better, cattier and more fun without Tyra Banks. We’re down to the final three (though we miss you, big-bottomed Salome!): hot underwear-model-in-the-making Jonathan, sweet American blockhead Branden, and the former dancer Sandhurst. Who will win?  And what on earth are we going to be reduced to watching when this is over? [Bravo, 10 p.m.]

Thursday: Young Guns

Gosh, remember those heady 1988 days when Young Guns had the all-star cast of man meat to make certain eighth-graders (ahem) go nutso? So you have Emilio Estevez (looking more Martin Sheen-y than ever before) as Billy the Kid, his real-life brother Charlie Sheen playing the mellow one (ha!), Lou Diamond Philips shoehorned into something kinda ethnic, Dermott Mulroney as someone else, and head-butting Kiefer Sutherland as the poet who falls in love with some Asian chick he calls China Doll … cause he loves her. Terrance Stamp is a good guy and Jack Palance is a bad guy and at one point they all get high and see things, and people die and maybe get hung and, according to IMDB, Tom Cruise plays an uncredited cowboy. Whatever, trust us: It’s amazing. Screw High School Musical, why don’t people make movies like this anymore? [Cinemax, 6 p.m.]

Friday: Close Encounters of the Third Kind

People often forget just how awesome this Steven Spielberg movie is. And sure, it came out in 1977, which was a rather crowded year considering how many other great movies came out (Annie Hall, Star Wars, Saturday Night Fever) but do not forget about this! For one thing, take a minute to think about the fact that Richard Dreyfuss was a movie star! Then think about how cool it is that Mr. Spielberg got Francois Trauffaut to appear in it, not to mention this movie has what must be the best cinematic use of mashed potatoes ever.  Eat it, Cloverfield. [Bravo, 1 p.m.]

Fox has gone bonkers promoting the heck out of this very special House episode … and we are totally on board! In the creepily titled episode “Locked In” (about the even more creepy Locked-In Syndrome), Mos Def guest stars as a man who is trapped inside his body but can’t move or communicate. Thank goodness there’s a hot, grumpy and brilliant diagnostician at Princeton Plainsboro hospital who got himself banged up in a motorcycle accident and is in the neighboring bed! The entire episode (which you can watch the first two minutes of here) is from the perspective of the patient, so expect lots of confessional moments from Dr. House, and all his little cottages. Also, prepare yourself for lots of icky discussion of the “brain stem” (shudder). [Fox, 8 p.m.]

Tuesday: Invasion of the Body Snatchers

We have always been fond of the term “Pod People” to describe the men we date, but in fact this coinage dates back to the classic 1956 sci-fi horror/flick Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Set in the small fictional town of Santa Mira, Calif., the movie centers on a local doctor (Kevin McCarthy) who starts to see a bunch of patients who think their loved ones are impostors. At first dismissing the phenomenon as mere mass hysteria, with the aid of a friend (King Donovan) he comes to discover that people are actually being replaced by Pod People—which grew from “seeds drifting through space for years” (augh!)—who look just like regular earthlings except for the fact that they have no emotion (sound familiar, ladies?). [TCM, 9:30]

Wednesday: Make Me a Supermodel

We were totally prepared to pass on this reality crack pipe—a weird hybrid of America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway—until those evil geniuses over at weekend programming at Bravo got us sucked in with a marathon. What we’ve learned so far: Male models are just as vain as the ladies but somehow, they seem to be a lot nicer. Maybe because they’re not starving? Maybe because male models don't really matter? In tonight’s episode, the high-cheekboned lovelies get smutty with one another at a photo shoot and it looks like a tape measure will be used to see who’s hips are too effin' wide to make it. What would Tyra say? [Bravo, 10 p.m.]

Thursday: Romancing the Stone

Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice are both repeats tonight, and NBC is doing a monster ER series finale (but, on the plus side, Ernest Borgnine guest-stars!). If you're watching that, you should record the classic 1984 film Romancing the Stone. Remember this one? Kathleen Turner is a romance novelist who has to fly down to Colombia to rescue her kidnapped sister (Mary Ellen Trainor). Michael Douglas plays our swashbuckling hero Jack T. Colton, who promises to help but really might be after the map. There’s a giant green emerald involved! And Danny DeVito! Trust us, mud slides have never before or since been so incredibly sexy. [WE, 11 p.m.]

Friday: Friday Night Lights

Will everyone please, please, please watch this show already? Of course it airs on Friday night! But if you don't record it you are certainly missing out: There’s the hotness of Tim Riggins, the awesomeness that is Coach and Tami Taylor’s marriage, and after last week we can’t wait to see what the fallout is from the totally bananas father-slapping-son-around-in-the-Applebee’s-parking-lot. We’re at the penultimate episode before season three ends and the fate of this extraordinary television show hangs in the balance. Let’s go, America! Panthers go to State and we’re rooting for a fourth season!  Remember: Clear ears, full hearts, can’t lose. [NBC, 9 p.m.]

Monday: Chuck
Now that Hugh Laurie and his dreamy blue eyes (so much brighter in HD!) have moved to Mondays at 8, we're pretty much resigned to the fact that Chuck won't be around for a third season. But! Rather than get down in the dumps about its inevitable ouster, we'll enjoy the show while we can. The push for Chuck's first new episode of 2009 has been relentless, most likely because it's airing in … 3-D! (Cue: thunderclaps!) We couldn't care less about all that third dimension hooey; instead, we're amped to see Lost's Dominic Monaghan playing a flashy British rocker who is most certainly not Charlie Pace (or so say the NBC lawyers). Here's hoping this is a prologue to the Drive Shaft reunion we never got to see. [NBC, 8 p.m.]

Tuesday: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
After a brilliant first hour that features some virtuoso camera trickery and a young Michael Cera asking a girl if she wants to "lick it," George Clooney's directorial debut stumbles a bit. But chances are that has more to do with Gong Show creator Chuck Barris' batshit memoirs—which describe his alleged escapades as a C.I.A. assassin—than anything Mr. Clooney had control over. As it stands, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind is notable because it seems to be the only movie this side of Choke that ably taps into Sam Rockwell's manic intensity. This performance is his Mona Lisa. [HDNet, 10 p.m.]

Wednesday: Hannah and her Sisters
When talking about Hannah and her Sisters, you can table the flowery hyperbole. Put simply, it's a great movie propelled by a tight screenplay and performed by a troupe of actors and actresses at the height of their powers. There's a good chance Mr. Allen has never been more likable on-screen, and huzzah to Diane Wiest, as the youngest of the sisters. She's the perfect foil for Mr. Allen's bitter hypochondriac. [TCM, 2:30 a.m.]

Thursday: 30 Rock
It's a bad time to be one of our favorite shows. Lost is only three episodes into season five and its already clear we're in for a bumpy ride. Meanwhile, 30 Rock hasn't been consistently funny for months. Granted there are splashes of hilarity, but most of the time the third season has felt too disjointed and haphazard. Maybe the arrival of Mad Men's Jon Hamm will stabilize things. Don Draper himself shows up for a highly anticipated arc as a potential boyfriend for Tina Fey's Liz Lemon. We've seen the clips (memo to Jon: we prefer the Don Draper hair) as well as Mr. Hamm's brilliant hosting turn on Saturday Night Live, so we know he's more than ready to shine as 30 Rock's latest guest star. At the very least, he's gotta be better than Salma Hayek. [NBC, 9:30 p.m.]

Friday: Goldfinger
We've always thought the entire collection of James Bond films are slightly overrated. Still, Goldfinger stands head and shoulders above the rest. It's the archetype of the Bond formula: Mr. Connery is dapper, hilarious and misogynistic as 007; the script is filled with endlessly quotable one-liners ("No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die"); Shirley Bassey breaks glass with the bombastic theme song; and Goldfinger gives us not one but two memorable villains, in Auric Goldfinger and his henchman, Odd Job. Plus, let's not forget the Aston Martin. Daniel Craig only wishes he could have this much fun. [Encore, 10:50 p.m.]

Words can not express how much we love this actor (how about that awesome SAG speech the other night?) but also really how much we love his character. Gregory House is deeply weird and wounded, smart and bitter, funny and occasionally cruel (just like every guy we've ever fallen in love with, sigh); even if he was treating the same patient week after week, we'd probably still be watching. But, a funny thing has happened. We finally joined the rest of the world and got a high definition television and cable box and our whole world has changed. Seriously. Who knew that there were channels in the 700s? But really, who knew that watching House in HD was going to take our odd little obsession to a whole new level!

Because….holy smokes, the way this show looks now! The blood appears disturbingly real (kinda clumpy and gross), as does the brains and guts and stuff, plus we can see odd hairline irregularities and flaws on all those disturbingly good looking actors -- even forehead wrinkles on the lovely Jennifer Morrison. The beautiful Olivia Wilde (who, for the record, we totally love and are happy she’s on the show but wish the powers-that-be spent a little less time on her and her new lovey dovey personality and more on the rapidly disappearing Wilson and Dr. Chase) looks kind angular, like Paula Abdul in that one really weird Promise of a New Day video. But you know who manages to look even hotter than usual? We think you know. Man, HD is truly Hugh Laurie’s friend. We can only wonder what's going to happen when we see Coach Taylor in HD during Friday Night Lights.

While the WGA is back at the negotiating table, locked up in some undisclosed location—e.g. not the Beverly Wilshire—and avoiding the press, the show must go on! (But keep those fingers crossed.) Tonight is the final round of competition in Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 9 PM). Marie Osmond has completely co-opted the fifth season of the reality series, what with her fainting, her father passing away, and her being the oldest woman to ever make it to the finals. (I bet she just loves that stat.) So just give the darn trophy to her and let’s go back to acting like this isn’t one of the most popular shows on television.

For some real competition, Samantha Who? (ABC, 9 PM)—which has been bumped up a half hour to make way for Notes From the Underbelly (ABC, 9:30 PM) making its second season debut—will go to head to head with Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9 PM)—the most popular half hour of comedy on TV, despite not being the least bit funny.

Bonus: a gaggle of hot models—Heidi Klum, Marisa Miller, Adriana Lima—do a bit of DVR hijacking for Victoria’s Secret on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM).

TUESDAY

Americans needed another person doing impressions of George Bush and Sean Connery about as much as they needed a Spice Girls reunion. But, we got both! Hallelujah! And one, believe it or not, has been smiled on by the angels—Frank TV (TBS, 11 PM). The sketch comedy show starring Frank Caliendo had an impressive 2.9 million people tune into its debut. Due to the strike, there are only four episodes left! But don’t fret/see-visions-of-the-forthcoming-apocalypse; with numbers like this, he’s not going anywhere.

Do you ever get the feeling that the writers of House (ABC, 9 PM) and Grey’s Anatomy are reading the same medical journals—or issues of People? This season alone, both have used Lyme disease (and the dramatic discovery of a phantom tick), and tonight’s House finds Wilson having to tell a patient that he's not going to die of a cancer that he had originally diagnosed as terminal. This plotline already played itself out on Grey’s a couple of weeks ago.

ABC tries to score again with another Charlie Brown special: Charlie Brown Christmas (8 PM). It won a Peabody—over 42 years ago.

WEDNESDAY

Thanksgiving is over, which means one thing to retailers and networks, alike: it's Christmas. And finally, there’s something other than Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and, well, Charlie Brown Christmas, to show: Shrek the Halls (ABC, 8 PM), an animated half hour featuring characters from the movie. Stay tuned for How the Grinch Stole Christmas (ABC, 8:30 PM). While it’s safe to say ABC’s audience is pediatric, NBC’s will be geriatric. The peacock unloads Christmas in Rockefeller (8 PM), a variety show of sorts staged around the lighting of the famed Christmas tree. Tony Bennett, Celine Dion, and Carrie Underwood, amongst others, perform. Definitely DVR this one, so you can fast forward through the Metamucil commercials.

THURSDAY

It’s the attack of the repeats. The networks have nothing to show at 9 PM. Grey’s Anatomy (ABC 9 PM), CSI (CBS 9 PM), and The Office (NBC 9 PM) are all old. The only thing left to watch? Kathy … Griffin … on … Bravo. I am so afraid of having nothing else to watch, that I had to write that from the fetal position. End the strike, now!

FRIDAY

CBS tries to add a bit of historical importance to the Grammy Awards by showing a best of (CBS, 8 PM). The Hallmark channel premieres A Grandpa for Christmas (9 PM)—aw!—starring Ernest Borgnine—oh, better yet, mom, can I get a Wii? And MyNetworkTV is showing Mulholland Drive (8 PM).