Gretchen Morgenson reports on the gossip in the wake of a JP Morgan-sponsored dinner party last month for the bank's moneyed Dallas clientele, where Dimon decided to take some questions. One of them was about the pro-banking regulation views of Paul Volcker and the president of the Federal Reserve of Dallas, Richard W. Fisher.

Mr. Dimon responded that he had just two words to describe them: “infantile” and “nonfactual.” He went on to lambaste Mr. Fisher further, according to the attendee. Some in the room were taken aback by the comments.

Let's be real, here: This isn't so bad. People in Dallas were "taken aback" by Lamar Odom. Of course they're going to be a little shocked when a guy who is constantly under assail for flaunting banking regulation on the whole whips out some "real talk" and bangs it on the dinner table in order to kowtow to his Lone Star State pals. He could've done much worse.

For example:

• "Volker? I barely knew her!"
• "We've got some of our equities guys from the Dallas outpost here with us tonight. (Applause.) I have a message to them from their colleagues in New York, let's see here (opens piece of paper, slowly reads): 'You are a lower-form of life, you pathetic backwater ingrates.' Oh, wait, oh my god. I'm so sorry. I apologize. I read from the wrong piece of paper. That appears to be our official response to the latest wave of derivatives regulation."
• "What's the different between a cattle rancher and Paul Volcker? One stirs up a bunch of dumb animals who, regardless of where they stand at the end of the day, are still milked dry by the tits. The other one is a cattle rancher."
• "Listen, you're all worried about Volcker, I get that. Believe me, I get that. Maybe he does know where the bodies are buried. But if you think he's gonna be a problem around these parts, just remember, your idea of law enforcement are the guys who still have no idea who the fuck shot J.R."
• "Q: Why'd the banking regulator cross the road? A: If you hire him in the middle of it, you won't have to find out."
• "Hear that, everyone? Someone just asked me about the threat that Texas Fed president Richard Fisher presents to their money. Look, I'm from New York. Only in Texas are they naive enough to worry about a guy named Dick Fisher. If I were you, I'd be much more concerned with his deputy, Mark Ed Horsefucker."

We'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip the obese Indian guys at your table on their way to prison. Hey-yo!

At JPMorgan, the Ghost of Dinner Parties Past [NYT]

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek

Before we get to those people, here are some fun facts about Bill Daley:

- Prior to being appointed, Mr. Daley was a vice chairman at J.P. Morgan.
- Mr. Daley at one point held $7.6M in stock from the company.
- In 2010, Mr. Daley made $8.7M from J.P. Morgan.

Seeing as how sentiment against the unmitigated profits of Wall Street reached fever pitch over the last year, one would think President Obama would be wise to consider resumes from other corridors of power to choose from when deciding upon a new chief of staff. And maybe he did!

In the end, however, he decided upon Jacob Lew. Here are some fun facts about Jacob Lew:

• Prior to his appointment as a deputy secretary at the Department of State, Mr. Lew was Chief Operating Officer of CitiGroup's Alternative Investments group.
• Do you know what Alternative Investments are? They're things like hedge funds, who buy things like credit default swaps! Credit default swaps are essentially the ability to buy insurance on someone else's house in one hand as you hold anything else—the adjustable-rate mortgage you know they can't pay off, or the capacity to sell that mortgage and therefore generate more mortgages like it, or a gasoline can—in the other hand. This is what Jacob Lew invested in!
• In 2008 and the beginning of 2009, Mr. Lew took in $1.1M from CitiGroup.
• This included a $900,000 bonus.
• Mr. Lew doesn't think financial deregulation was one of the problems adding up to the financial crisis that has persisted since 2008.

 
Mr. Lew is, like President Barack Obama, a Harvard graduate. He appears to be very intelligent! The money he made from CitiGroup really isn't that much in the very large scheme of things, and Citi is commonly a punchline as far as the largest investment banks go. He's probably a nice guy, too.

None of that will likely make a difference to someone who is still upset with the financial system and the people responsible for the havoc it wrecked on the global economy. That said, if the Republican candidates for president or the committees helping them with their campaigns are looking to assault President Obama for Mr. Lew's appointment, they'd be well advised to recall his nomination to the Office of Management and Budget, which "sailed through" the Senate in a voice vote.

Anyway: Congratulations, Jacob Lew! Enjoy that new job of yours. It will surely be rewarding both personally and financially and not stressful in the least.

fkamer@observer.com | @weareyourfek