And what's with dragging Dick Van Dyke and Patrick Duffy out to parade around memories of their former careers? That just seems mean.

Golden Globe-winner Madonna, singer of "American Life." (Getty Images)

The most likely, of last night's awards, to an awards-show junkie in 2002 imagining the hazy future:

1. Meryl Streep. Sure! Bet the speech was great.

2. Christopher Plummer. Glad he's still around!

3. Martin Scorsese. He deserves some recognition!

4. George Clooney. Did he win for playing Cary Grant?

Middling likelihood--not impossible to imagine, but sort of weird:

5. Michelle Williams. It's nice that the girl from Dawson's Creek figured it out. But if Michelle Williams has a Golden Globe, Katie Holmes must have two Oscars, right?

6. Claire Danes. It's nice, and unexpected, that the girl from My So-Called Life figured it out. So, is Jordan Catalano a movie star?

7. Jessica Lange. She's not a recluse in 2012? She says lines, on camera, and not just to the mirror in her creepy haunted mansion? Oh, she played an old witchy lady living in a mansion full of ghosts--that makes much more sense. Moving her up to spot #3.

Very weird:

7. Kelsey Grammer. Frasier is still on? They convinced the cast to keep coming back? Wow, NBC must be the number-one network!

8. Matt LeBlanc. Friends is still on? See above.

9. No one accepted their award riding a hoverboard. Truly tests credulity of what 2012 will be like.

10. Madonna. Did "original song from a movie" stop being a thing that really exists, with integrity, at all? What a terrifying future!

ddaddario@observer.com :: @DPD_

Genuine class. (Getty Images)

Last night’s Golden Globes—which we covered live!—were notable for yet more star worship than even the perpetually star-worshipping Globes usually get up to, and most of the stars were of a somewhat aging vintage. Awards went to practically anyone who might have been on People’s Most Intriguing People of 1998 list: Steven Spielberg for Tintin over the makers of Rango, Madonna over Mary J. Blige, Meryl Streep over Viola Davis, Jessica Lange over Evan Rachel Wood, Matt LeBlanc over Johnny Galecki, Laura Dern over Zooey Deschanel, George Clooney uber alles. If this show was too self-consciously snarky to be a tribute to so-called “Old Hollywood,” it was at least a tribute to the period about fifteen years ago when the stars were bigger and shined brighter.

Host Ricky Gervais, who spent more time recounting his past comedic triumphs at this awards show than engaging in anything risky or new, joked about Johnny Depp’s career failures—then welcomed Mr. Depp to the stage, giving the show a feel less of a no-holds-barred slugfest that had been advertised and more of the world’s most loving Comedy Central roasts. Of all that could be said about winner/presenter/synecdoche of the evening’s nostalgic feeling Madonna, Mr. Gervais went with a “Like a Virgin” joke. She countered with a joke about her 2003 kiss with Britney Spears. The past, ladies and gentleman! Mr. Gervais saved his meanest material for Kim Kardashian, who’s an easy target for a roomful of movie stars trying to shore up their shrinking claim on cultural currency.

The evening’s big winners stuck close to the theme of navel-gazing, with George Clooney presenting a tribute to Brad Pitt and Brad Pitt presenting a tribute to George Clooney, Madonna citing Fellini and Godard as seminal influences, and Meryl Streep shouting the names of actresses she liked in lieu of a traditional speech. The evening’s big winner, the French film The Artist, gave the game away, dragging the film’s canine star onstage with the rest of the cast in an antic attempt to entertain, to make some statement about “movie magic.”

ddaddario@observer.com :: @DPD_

Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes (Getty Images)

Welcome to New York Observer's Golden Globe coverage of the 2012, where you'll be able to read (and participate!) in real time as Drew Grant and Dan D'Addario take bets on which acclaimed actor will be the first to slap that lopsided grin right off Ricky Gervais' face. Let the fun begin!

Ryan Murphy (Getty Images)

FX, a network whose luck has lately been a bit mixed, has ordered 13 episodes for its next drama series, entitled American Horror Story. The series, by Glee producers Ryan Murphy (who previously worked with FX on the series Nip/Tuck) and Brad Falchuk, is about a family running from their past by moving to Los Angeles.

A lot's changed since the Nip/Tuck days, and not merely for the ascendant Mr. Murphy: FX recently misfired with the series Terriers and Lights Out, both of which were canceled after one season, and is losing long-running drama series Rescue Me after this season. The network, which remains home to hit Sons of Anarchy and critically acclaimed Justified, can still sway actors, though; the series is to star Dylan McDermott, recent Emmy nominee Connie Britton of Friday Night Lights, and Jessica Lange, the latest Oscar-winner of a certain age to switch screens.

ddaddario@observer.com :: @DPD_

“You can’t totally stereotype it,” Ms. Vieira began, as if to soften the point she was about to make. “But there are some men that have a lot of sensitivity and, in turn, there are some women that really have … well, they have balls!”

The 55-year-old anchorwoman would go on to personally demonstrate, pausing during her speech about how technology has changed the business to tell a little anecdote concerning satirist Stephen Colbert, who recently visited the Today show.

“I asked him if he Twittered and he said, no, he Twatted!” she informed the crowd of women in Chanel suits, munching on Asian chicken salad. (For every giggle in the room, there seemed to be a crinkled nose.)

After Ms. Vieira’s speech, young scholarship recipients came up to the stage to declare their professional determination, saying things like “I am the next Amy Astley,” referring to the Teen Vogue editor, and “I am the next Anderson Cooper.”

This seemed to inspire a few of the day’s presenters. “I am the next Wolf Blitzer!” announced NBC’s Brian Williams, who was presenting an award to CNN anchor Campbell Brown. He then admired the actress Jessica Lange, who was seated onstage, waiting to present an award to her publicist, 42West’s Leslee Dart, and offered up fratastic props. “You totally killed it in Grey Gardens, by the way,” Mr. Williams said.

Deutsch Inc.’s chairman, Donny Deutsch, who was presenting an award to the CEO of the company, Linda Sawyer, followed suit. “I am the next Judy Garland!”

Earlier, Mr. Deutsch explained why, in his opinion, female ad execs were actually “superior” to their male colleagues.

“I think women are more collaborative,” he said. “I think they spend less time on the emotional nonsense like whose office is bigger and instead it’s all about, ‘Let’s get the job done and let’s get it done well.’”

Daily Candy’s Dany Levy invited author Kurt Andersen, her former boss at New York magazine, to present her award.

“I’m not trying to be p.c., but I just don’t have a clear gender-differentiation in terms of writers and editors,” Mr. Andersen told the Daily Transom. “I personally like hanging around with women more than I tend to men, but …”

Here, Ms. Levy began to nod along before finally interrupting. “Me, too!” she said. “But I do like men a lot.”

Ms. Dart perhaps attracted the most attention during the luncheon due to her celebrity presenters, Ms. Lange and actor Tom Hanks.

When asked what makes Ms. Dart a good publicist, Ms. Lange said, “It’s a combination of things, of course. It’s her extraordinary tenacity, her amazing loyalty, intelligence and grace.”

Later, when the Grey Gardens star was presenting her publicist with the award, she said that she lacked the right words to describe Ms. Dart, and so she was going to borrow a phrase that the actor John Goodman once used to describe Ms. Lange herself: “She has the balls of a burglar!” (Again with the balls!)

With that, Ms. Lange introduced Mr. Hanks, who seemed to bring the entire room of nearly menopausal women into a giddy swirl. “Hi, Leslee, darling! How are you?” Mr. Hanks said before launching into comedic bit about what it’s like to have Ms. Dart as one’s publicist: “She tells you how stupid you have been, if you should get your eyes done and if you should lose some weight.”

Ms. Dart agreed that women were a superior species.

“When you do what I do, you have to be a shrink, a stylist, a best friend, a strategist—all while doing 10 million things all at the same time,” she said. “And that’s something women do much better than men because women work and women have families, so they have become amazing multitaskers.” (Ms. Dart also pointed out that a lot of men in publicity are gay men, so it really all depends!)

By the time Ms. Vieira returned to the stage to close the ceremony, she seemed glad she wasn’t the only one who mentioned those spherical wonders of masculinity that day and exclaimed, “I, too, want the balls of a burglar!”

“I do not own it, Ben Bradlee and Sally Quinn own it, yes, yes, we must be very clear about that!” exclaimed Frances Hayward, the silver-haired animal-rights activist and philanthropist who has rented the famous Grey Gardens mansion in East Hampton for twelve years now.

Ms. Hayward was arriving at the Ziegfeld premiere of HBO’s new Grey Gardens film, starring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange as eccentric Kennedy cousins Big Edie Beale and Little Edie Beale.

“I was originally living in Lauren Bacall’s house,” Ms. Hayward explained. “And then she sold it, and I had heard about Grey Gardens. This was many, many years ago, before it was that famous. It was just, 'Oh, right, that’s the house with all the cats, remember, Jackie Kennedy’s cousins?' It was Sally who had the vision—they bought it when it was just a wreck—and it was Sally who had a vision to restore it and make it the lovely place it is today. It’s just a beautiful sweet house with the most fabulous garden in the world.”

The renowned address is still strewn with artifacts from the Beale era. “Their books are there, their old steamer trunks are there,” said Ms. Hayward. “There are lots of remnants. They’re all over the place, the whole family is.”

The house, whose squalor was first immortalized in the brothers Albert and David Maysles' 1976 documentary, has only seen its fame grow over the years, thanks to a Rufus Wainwright song, a blog, a Broadway musical, and now this film.

When Ms. Hayward mentions her address these days to acquaintances, "Well, now they say ‘Oh my God!’"

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani arrived, grinning, his arm around wife Judi Giuliani. The duo power-walked the red carpet, stopping only briefly to acknowledge that they’d never seen the Maysles' documentary.

“No, but we’ve been to the house!” said Mr. Guiliani. “She loves it.”

“It’s a fabulous house, obviously,” concurred Ms. Guiliani, who wore a hot pink dress. “It’s been renovated since what you’re going to see, I assume, in the movie.”

They couldn’t remember the exact reason for their visit. “We were at an event. I don’t remember," said Mr. Guiliani, laughing.

The packed theater cheered as Ms. Lange, portraying the aged Edith Beale in prosthetic make-up, broke into hysterical singing onscreen.

Afterwards, at the Pierre Hotel, where a very un-recession-like dinner of Dover sole and lobster Caesar salad was rolled out for hundreds, Ms. Barrymore held court in the bar area in a retro fur stole and hair net, greeting and hugging friends.

Nearby, her onetime boyfriend, "I'm a Mac" actor Justin Long, was overheard evading another reporter's question about whether they were still dating. He didn’t say no, he was insisting, he said “no comment.”

“I’m having a hard time coming up with words because I loved it so much,” he told the Daily Transom about the film. “And I loved the documentary so much, and I’m amazed they were able to capture it. Like, they really captured it; they got it. And that’s a feat that’s … it’s beyond belief for me right now.”

And Ms. Barrymore’s performance? “Again, like, words are escaping me. She just lost herself in it. It’s one of the greatest, transformative performances I’ve seen in a long time. A beautiful, tragic performance.”

He refused to say whether he’d seen her at all during the filming. (Later, the Daily Transom spotted the pair sharing several suspiciously long embraces.) “Personal stuff I’d rather not talk about,” Mr. Long explained. “I know she worked her ass off.”

Things start off this Sunday with the two-hour series premiere of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency. Based on the best selling books by Alexander McCall Smith, Ladies’ stars R&B singer Jill Scott as a recently divorced Botswanan woman who opens her own detective agency. (The title, in this case, is very literal.) Ladies’ appears to be the type of series that we see so little of on HBO—a light-hearted procedural that won’t be caked in Shakespearean tragedy; that the pilot was co-written by Love, Actually’s Richard Curtis and the late Anthony Minghella should tell you all you need to know about Ladies’ tone. Additionally, cinephiles should take note: Mr. Minghella directed Sunday’s pilot before passing away last spring, and it represents the last chance anyone will have to see new work from the Oscar-winner.

The following Sunday brings the return of In Treatment. We’ll admit we never got on board with season one—the five-night-per-week commitment was too steep—but we’ll try again in season two. This time around, the series locale has shifted to Brooklyn, affording Golden Globe winner Gabriel Byrne the chance to analyze a whole batch of new patients, including Hope Davis, John Mahoney and Milk’s Alison Pill. HBO has wisely decided to focus the half-hour drama down into two nights instead five, a scheduling maneuver that increases the chance of us watching by ten-fold. The early reviews have been solid, with special attention being paid to Mr. Mahoney, playing a corporate CEO replete with secrets (talk about good timing). However, we’re most interested in Ms. Pill’s episodes, where the talented actress stars as a 20-something recently diagnosed with cancer. Spoiler alert: Those sessions are going to be sad!

As if all that weren’t enough, on April 18 the much-discussed adaptation of the Maysles brothers documentary Grey Gardens comes to HBO with Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore starring as Big and Little Edie Bouvier Beale, respectively. The preview alternates between high camp and soul-crushing sadness, and we aren’t actually sure what to make of Ms. Barrymore’s accent, which at once seems both over-the-top and dead perfect. Still, the chance to see Ms. Lange perform is probably worth the DVR space alone.

Of course, this is all a prelude to the summer, when Entourage and True Blood return with new seasons. This year they’ll be joined on the HBO roster by Hung, a new series from Sideways director Alexander Payne. Hung stars Anne Heche, Jane Adams and Thomas Jane, playing a high-school gym teacher with a really big … well, think about the ending of Boogie Nights and you can probably figure out where this series is going. As they say, “It’s not TV, it’s HBO.”

Tootsie is one of the great actors' showcases. Everybody in it's magnificent. There's Dustin Hoffman, of course. In drag, as Dorothy Michaels, the soap opera star, he is brassy, gentle, not convincing exactly, but committed. And as Michael Dorsey, the manic, Method-y, utterly unemployable thespian, he offers about as honest and harmful a self-parody a man could, at least without losing his mind and giving up completely. On second thought, maybe he did ruin himself. After Tootsie, there were no more Ratso Rizzos or Ben Braddocks or Little Big Men. He was twinkly, older, boring.

And we could write a whole poem cycle about the supporting cast: There's Sydney Pollack, also the director, doing another of his exasperated, slick, tired-of-this-shit turns; and Charles Durning, as the widower who falls in love with Dorothy, and whose response to what's really under her skirts is more heartbroken than homophobic. There's Terri Garr, who we adore, even though no one in the movie adores her back; and Jessica Lange, as Southern and strange as a Faulkner novel, still beautiful, back before plastic surgery turned her catlike.

And there's Bill Murray. He's only in about 10 minutes of the movie, playing Dustin Hoffman's best friend and the movie's one-man Greek chorus. Sure, he'd made Stripes and Caddyshack by then, and done his time on SNL, but it was still sort of a miracle how fully-formed his Groucho Marx-meets-Cary Grant persona already was. He improvises lines like "I don't want a full house at the Winter Garden. I want people who just came out of the worst rainstorm in history. These are people who are alive on the planet... until they dry off. I wish I had a theater that was only open when it rained," which would qualify as satire if he didn't sound so serious and anguished when he says it.

This was 1982. Two years later, Bill Murray quit acting. Look it up. His earnest, only-slightly-awkward adaptation of W. Somerset Maugham's The Razor's Edge was released within a few months of Ghostbusters and made something like 34 times less at the box office. So he moved his family to Paris, read philosophy at the Sorbonne, went to the Cinematheque Francaise and watched a lot of old movies. He turned his whole life into a Maugham novel. It's hard to imagine what a 'fuck you' this must have been.

Eventually, of course, he came back. In 1988, he made Scrooged, which is also on this weekend (Cinemax, Saturday, 2:15 a.m.). As with any remake of A Christmas Carol, even one this silly and punk, it ends not just with an affirmation of life, but a reengagement with other human beings. So Bill Murray, having seen all the holidays he's wasted, is wasting, will waste exclaims: "I get it now! If you give, then it can happen...then the miracle can happen to you. It's not just the poor and hungry, it's everybody who's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen...and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow. You won't be one of those assholes who say Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud; it's not! It can happen every day; you've just got to want that feeling. And if you like it, and you want it, you'll get greedy for it...you'll want it every day of your life. And it can happen to you."

The movie was a big hit. He was so famous again, nobody even remembered that he'd disappeared, or why.

Ms. Packer also said that former Mayor Ed Koch and MSNBC legal analyst Dan Abrams usually vote at her polling place towards the end of the day, along with "a couple people from soaps who I don't know."

Austin Scarlett, the Project Runway Season One contestant who now designs bridalwear, was voting at Hayden. He was instantly recognizable, and perfectly put together, in navy pinstriped pants, brown shoes, gray suit jacket, blue patterned ascot, brown bowler hat, and vintage brown glasses.

"I love Michelle Obama's style," Mr. Scarlett said. "She's definitely, I think, closely modeling herself on Jackie O, which I think works for her. Cindy McCain sort of has this evil queen beauty about her that is intriguing. She's always composed and she's definitely a well-dressed and chic lady."

Does vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin have style? "No, the hair is just bad," said Mr. Scarlett. "Even with the hundreds of thousands of dollars she's spending, she's still just a little on the frumpy side. And, you know, when you're going for an international role that you're gonna fill, you really need to sort of dress the part of a world class leader and she's not that."

And what about Mr. Obama? "Well, Barack, he's so handsome," said Mr. Scarlett. "I'd like to see him in something in a little more fitted, a little more streamlined, while still keeping the classic, conservative look that you have to do."

On Mr. McCain, Mr. Scarlett was emphatic: "I would just keep him in his uniform!"