Right now in New York, it’s snowing outside. It’s absolutely beautiful. Everyone should just take a moment and enjoy, because after the events of the last 24 hours we are pretty sure that this is the end of days. At least, for famous people; the rest of us are probably fine.
EXHIBIT A, YOUR HONOR!:
Teddy Wayne is an iconoclast, at least when it comes to sandwiches. At the Times Square Hard Rock Cafe (his choice) to discuss The Love Song of Jonny Valentine, his novel about a prepubescent pop star, Mr. Wayne looked over the list of so-called “Legendary” burgers.
“Everything here is legendary,” he said. I suggested that the Hard Rock Cafe was a pretty venerable institution—remember all those T-shirts? “No, I feel like from the first day it was legendary. They created their own legend.”
Mr. Wayne, 33, had asked to meet at the Hard Rock in order to draw inspiration from the musical artifacts on the walls. He also wanted to nosh on a burger, the favorite food of Jonny Valentine, the 11-year-old protagonist of his new novel. Described as an “angel of pop,” Valentine is younger and less stratospherically successful than Justin Bieber, but a pretty clear stand-in for the Canadian singer. (It turned out the Nirvana memorabilia on the walls of the Hard Rock didn’t have a whole lot to do with Jonny’s tale.) The fictional child star is not a music lover, but rather more of a tactical, strategic marketer of his own brand.
James Franco doesn’t have a lot of down time, what with his new book he’s supposed to be writing and his Huffington Post award-winning columns and all (plus maybe a movie career). Still, when he gets some time to just let loose, the 34-year-old likes to just let loose, you know? Drink some beer, goof off with friends, and of course, obviously, make tribute videos to his favorite Justin Bieber songs.
Though the cover of Bieber’s “Boyfriend” was originally on Mr. Franco’s WhoSay account, it has since been deleted. Also, it looks a lot more like Dave Franco than his older, more famously annoying brother, but maybe it’s just the hair.
Check it out for yourself below.
Forget about the stockings and the giant tree in your living room. Forget about the ham or, if you’re Jewish, the traditional Chinese take-out to be followed by a matinee. (Which at this point has turned into ordering Thai from SeamlessWeb and trying to find something funny on Roku). Forget about how WTF it was that you didn’t get an iPhone or car this year. (That was SO 2011).
Celebrity Castration Plots
During a recent gig at Madison Square Garden, Justin Bieber was not, we repeat, was NOT, strangled to death with a paisley tie and then castrated in a plan hatched by a convicted child rapist and murderer serving time in a New Mexico prison. Once again: this did not happen.
But it almost did.
Big Apple Idolatry
– Chris Brown wants to poop and fart on lady comedian; deletes Twitter account.
– Charlie Sheen once gave Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help out with her IRS “debt,” which is one case of the blinded-by-syphilis leading the blinded-by-syphilis.
Big Apple Idolatry
- This weekend’s big story was Lindsay Lohan’s stalker (or just a guy she was partying with at Double Seven), who allegedly followed her up to her hotel room at the W after they got into a fight about cell phone photos. She escaped him, but then came back to the room so he could physically assault her; it’s hard to pick the most batshit part of this whole ordeal. It’s a toss-up between the part where the guy was a congressional staffer who has posed for photos with Paul Ryan, and the part where someone let Lindsay Lohan run around a hotel unsupervised.
- Justin Bieber puke-sang his way through a recent concert, and then followed it up with an Anchorman tweet about how “Milk was a bad choice.”
Sometime in 2011, a group of scientists working in a top-secret Canadian laboratory uncovered a formula to maximize the addictive qualities of a pop song. In September, the formula was leaked, by way of a song called “Call Me Maybe” and performed by a 26 year-old Canadian Idol winner named Carly Rae Jepsen.
A month before the song infected American audiences, a handful of college-age kids produced a homemade music video for “Call Me Maybe,” made from lip dub footage shot on their laptop webcams. Kind of like Lana Del Rey’s thing, if Lana Del Rey had a bunch of friends.
Justin Bieber Being Punched In The Face
Complex just released the cover for their 10th Anniversary issue, which features Justin Bieber. This is odd, because the hip hop lifestyle and culture rag doesn’t necessarily cater to the Tiger Beat set. Brilliant, because they found a way to sell it on everyone, from Bieber’s most bloodthirsty, sadistic haters to the masochists among the Tiger Beat set: By bruising the face of Justin Bieber to the point of ugliness.
Really, there’s only one thing to say about the fact that while in Las Vegas, Tiger Blood recipient and 2011′s Person of the Year (according to the numerous end of the year listicles, on the Internet) Charlie Sheen decided to a) try to invite 17-year-old Justin Bieber to hang out, and b) do so over Twitter, where he accidentally sent a public message to the Biebs which included his phone number.