Last night's Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Benefit will probably be--in the long run--lost to the annals of time, indistinguishable from last years, or the years before, or any year since Anna Wintour took over, actually. But for us who were there on the sidelines, waving frantically at a very pregnant Kim Kardashian and an actively dismissive Kanye West, screaming for just a moment of Lena Dunham or Kate Beckinsale time while pressed up against the barriers of the press pen like poor animals on the way to the slaughterhouse, listening to the woman next to us ask every female celebrity the same questions--"Did you eat anything today? What did you eat? How long did it take you to get into the dress?"--the irony of the night's theme was not lost on us.

"Punk: From Chaos to Couture" was already going to be a difficult concept for designers, celebrities, and various rich people to wrap their head around. For one thing, it implies that punk--as a movement, as a musical genre--ever evolved out chaos into some sort of couture maturity. Even The New York Times got it twisted: David Byrne and Debbie Harry, while being two great artists, were never 'punk.' Debbie Harry was more punk than most, you could say she lived like a punk, or dressed like a punk, but her voice was always too clear, too lilting, never "Fuck you"-enough to be considered part of the movement.

This sort of mass confusion was amusedly referenced to more than once in the evening. Bee Shaffer, daughter of Anna Wintour, showed up in a giant Dior couture ballgown, shrugging off questions of fitting the night's theme by saying that she was always more of a girly girl. Jerry Seinfeld asked Jimmy Fallon, in what we generously assumed was a joke (as these men were both wearing designer tuxedos): "When did punk start? The 70s? The 80s? I feel like it was the 70s..." Anna Wintour herself was wearing a pink flowered dress, because she had been told that "pink was punk."

Even the younger generation, who you'd think would have had at least  a Good Charlotte notion of what Punk looked like, had apparently seen Pink in one too many ballgowns. The weird Olsens were dressed like....something (Ashley was an orange cloud, her sister looked like a semi-goth librarian), but whatever that something was, it wasn't book.

Then again, it seemed even more offensive when they got it right. Cameron Diaz wore a blue number by Stella McCartney, whose ode to punkness was a confined to a golden belt of long spikes. Donatella Versace wore a dress made of spikes. One woman, wearing spiked Louboutins, decided that to be truly punk, she would spit on the red carpet, which was totally punk...until she delicately traipsed over it to get to her seat. The three or four who got it right (Lily Westwood, whose dress was made from recycled garbage; Greta Gerwig; Madonna;Mily Cyrus; the old women who died their hair pink) seemed ironically out of place at such a black tie ball where everyone else just wore whatever Tom Ford--who wore his usual black tux, by the way, while discussing how "punk" was a state of being--had made for them.

We're just saying: Maybe next year the theme should be something that the 1% can handle without seeming clueless or offensive. "Comic Con" perhaps?

Kim and Kanye are selling off their real estate holdings. (Patrick McMullan)

Most couples who are expecting their first child go in for nesting, but Kanye West and Kim Kardashian seem to be doing just the opposite. First, Ms. Kardashian sold her Beverly Hills home for $5 million, then Mr. West put his Hollywood Hills home on the market for $3.3 million and now, it appears, the recording artist/producer/fashion designer also wants to sell his condo at 25 West Houston Street.

Are Mr. West and Ms. Kardashian socking away cash for the baby's college fund? Pooling their resources for the renovation of the $9 Bel Air estate that they just bought? Or is selling off all your bi-coastal luxury real estate the rich "it" couple equivalent of painting the nursery?

Whatever the case, it seems that Mr. West may be having doubts about parting with his beloved New York bachelor pad.

25 West Houston Street.

On Wednesday, Mr. West's fourth-floor Soho condo ever-so-briefly hit the market for $4.5 million. The condo, which Mr. West purchased for $1.25 million back in 2006 and combined with the unit next door, appeared for just a short time on OLR, an online listings service, before vanishing from the database that same day. Just like a celebrity power couple ducking past a scrum of paparazzi! (Although who are we kidding? Kim Kardashian never ducked past a paparazzo in her life)

Was the listing simply premature? Or did Mr. West reconsider? We can't say for sure given that Corcoran broker Tamir Shemesh, who had the phantom listing, did not return The Observer's call. But maybe the prospect—however remote—of having to stay with the Jenners at their Calabasas mansion struck Mr. West as so unsavory that he wanted to make sure he had A, B, and C back-up plans.

(Riveting though the whole "Teen Mom" moving-in-with-the-parents drama was, we highly doubt that the duo would have been faced with a decision to crash with the Jenners or live out of their fleet of Range Rovers while they waited for renovations to finish on their new mansion. The Kardashian Wests reportedly have a $50,000 a month rental in LA, and unlike Lindsay Lohan, credit cards that are accepted at all luxury hotels.)

Unfortunately, no photos were posted with the listing and the few other details were generic: oversized windows, high ceilings, a powder room. The unit was listed as a one-bedroom, though that seems awfully small for $4.5 million. City records simply describe the two units as "single residential condo unit" and "condo unit without kitchen."

Mr. West bought the condo with an LLC—KW International. In 2011, he put the condo under the name of a trustee—wealth manager Charles Willhoit.

As for the potential buyer of Mr. West's possibly-listed apartment, at least an artist in residence permits won't be necessary to move into the 2004 condo. Though "Soho 25" (as the building sometimes likes to call itself) does not lack for artists (actress Julianna Margulies is a resident) or TV show reality stars. It may lose Ms. Kardashian if Mr. West's pad sells, but there's always Padma Lakshmi in the penthouse.

Red carpet for next year's Teen Choice Awards. (AMC)

Right now in New York, it's snowing outside. It's absolutely beautiful. Everyone should just take a moment and enjoy, because after the events of the last 24 hours we are pretty sure that this is the end of days. At least, for famous people; the rest of us are probably fine.

EXHIBIT A, YOUR HONOR!:

• Justin Bieber collapses during a performance in London and has to be given oxygen backstage before returning to finish the show. His manager Scooter Braun told the worried crowd that Bieber had “got very light of breath, the whole show he had been complaining.”Which...f*ck you, Scooter Braum. He wasn't "complaining," he was letting you guys know that he should be taken to a hospital. Which you did...once he finished the show. Then Mr. Bieber Instagrammed a topless picture of himself, left the hospita and immediately attacked some paparazzi. Look, we know exhaustion is a bitch and that these kind of scenarios are exactly why we don't want to be famous (or we do, but this helps us say we don't), but what do you think the over/under is on Bieber somehow contracting that zombie disease from 28 Days Later? Because whenever someone we know gets ill, collapses after complaining of feeling weak, requires hospitalization and then is suddenly filled with extreme rage, that's usually a sign that you are entering Walking Dead territory.
• Meanwhile, doctors are still trying to figure out why Kelly Osbourne had a seizure last night, when the "personality"--that's what we call her, right? Because she doesn't have a real job or aspirations to act/sing/dance, and isn't a socialite?--had no prior history of falling to the ground and shaking uncontrollably. Things to note: She was in the middle of taping a segment for E!'s Fashion Police, complained of "not feeling good," fell off her chair and started shaking before being carried out on a stretcher to the hospital, where she tweeted a pic of herself in the hospital. She hasn't been released yet, but we'd advise everyone to stay out of her way and do not take any pictures of her for awhile.
•  Kim Kardashian was rushed to a doctor Tuesday night, worried she was having a miscarriage. Her symptoms, which began on her flight back from Paris Fashion Week, began with her feeling a little "ill" and complaining of stomach pain before ended up in a full-scale emergency situation. After she was released and ordered on bed rest, Ms. Kardashian tweeted a link to photos showing her hanging out with friends La La Vasquez, Rachel Roy and Angie Martinez, though the pics appear to be from a March 1st outing. And though she's yet to start foaming at the mouth, rumor has it that she was furious at Kanye West for not coming to her side during her pregnancy scare. Which is understandable, though if we were Kanye, we might stay out of biting range for a bit.

Kim Kardashian, 'acting.' (Lionsgate)

Future Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award winner Kim Kardashian has landed herself the role of a lifetime (or at least one that's going to be paying higher residuals than her own wedding did). She's "starring" in Tyler Perry's latest film, Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. Although honestly, "starring" might be too strong of a word. She's definitely in the film--check out the trailer below--and she gets her own credit (along with Vanessa Williams's Indian accent), but all the clip reveals about her character is that she likes to wear tight dresses and works in a marriage counseling office.

At least one of these character traits will not be a big stretch, acting-wise. (Pun semi-intended, inasmuch as we just can't really bring our brains to process much of anything after the holidays, and especially not this.)

We can't wait to see the Inside the Actors Studio about this one.

Kim Kardashian expected at FNO. (Getty Images)

It's already time for Fashion Week again? How did that happen? And not just Fashion Week, but the one that includes New York's annual Fashion's Night Out event. This evening marks the third-most important night of the year for Anna Wintour (besides the Met gala and whenever the president is in town), and we're looking forward to all the celebrity sightings that are sure to occur. Here are our five best guesses of A-list names to appear tonight.

1. Ryan Lochte: The Olympic swimmer was already spotted last night at the Joseph Abboud menswear show at the New York Public Library ... marking the first and last time you will ever see "Ryan Lochte" and "public library" in the same sentence. We just hope he'll be able to pick up some styling tips and avoid future disasters like this one. (We should have known Mr. Lochte would show up at any event that promised a sighting of Kanye West.)

2. Katie Holmes: The recent hermit is making her first appearances at New York's Fashion Week. Her Holmes + Yang fashion collaboration with stylist Jeanne Yang is getting its first Lincoln Center runway show. In the meantime, she's already shown up at the Style Awards, held last night in the same location, presenting the "Designer of the Year" award to Caroline Herrera, so there's a good chance she'll be sitting front-row at her show. Not to mention that she's just been announced as the face of Bobbi Brown Cosmetics. Looks like life's good after Tom.

3. Sarah Jessica Parker: Now that she's such good friends with Anna Wintour and Oscar de la Renta, how could the star prepare for an upcoming Glee cameo anywhere else?

4. Kim Kardashian: She'll be taking a break from talking about the economy on CNBC to tackle fashion at Lord & Taylor tonight. (She'll be there selling her new perfume, True Reflection.)

5. Pippa Middleton: O.K., it's a long shot, but there's a possibility that Kate's sister will stick around post-birthday/U.S. Open and see all the beautiful people at Fashion Week. Especially since she's having so much fun juggling the men here.

Kris Humphries: Nothing but Nets (Getty Images)

Beleaguered wax-man Kris Humphries has had a rough twelve months. The NBA lockouts had us fearing that he would forever be employed as Mr. Kardashian, until negotiations broke down on that front as well, leaving him booted from Team Kim shortly after their fairytale wedding. ("Fairytale" in the sense that it was entirely made up and in no way based on reality.)

His refusal to sign the divorce papers have lead to an ugly court case, with allegations of cheating, stalking, sex-tape set-ups, and a bunch of other sociopathic behavior on both sides. On occasion, he's been booed off the court before he could even foul.

But now things are looking up for Mr. Humphries. The Brooklyn Nets (previously of New Jersey) have re-signed the power forward with a two year contract for $24 million.

That's an obscene amount of money for a mediocre player: his previous contract for one year was 8 million, the average player makes $5 million a year and price caps for signing deals make Mr. Humphries only several million behind great players like Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony. (Kobe Bryant remains the exception, with his $25.24 million salary playing for the Lakers' 2011-12 season.)

Why the high cash? It's certainly not because of his amazing media presence. Already, the anthropomorphized Ken Doll is doing his best to screw up his good deal, as he announced his re-sign on Twitter with this message:

You get it? Because Jay-Z is part owner of the Nets, and is the mentor of Kanye West, the man currently having sex with his Ms. Kardashian, to whom Mr. Humphries is still legally married (at least until their bloody, bloody court case is settled)? Very "LOL," indeed!

What the media industry lacks in earning potential it makes up for in self-congratulation. A killer scoop might not make you rich, but it will put you in front of the judges of the National Magazine Awards, the Pulitzer nominating committee, and whoever's curating Longreads these days. And if your Roger Ebert profile doesn't win the Ellie for feature writing this year, well, that's just fuel for the chase of the next perfect profile subject, the one that will render your byline immortal.

But what about the writers, reporters and editors who take on the thankless task of feeding our national addiction to celebrity news? US Weekly, Star, Life & Style, OK, People.

"For an entire ant colonies of professional word producers, next year never comes, hope never returns," writes Vanity Fair columnist and media critic James Wolcott this month. "No guild or institution honors what they do; no banquet halls are rented to host their futile festive presentation ceremonies. They are the unknown soldiers of the journalistic trade, the unsung utility players never called out of the dugout for a curtain call."

Jezebel has its "Midweek Madness," of course, but the tabloid report card is more interested in fact-checking their fabrications than in judging the pseudo-journalistic art on its own terms.

Happily, Mr. Wolcott has arrived to end this industry-wide snub with a new award called "The Kimmie," for the lifeblood of the trade, Kim Kardashian. His winners are guaranteed to inspire a renaissance of respect for the purveyors of "Brangelina" and other fine portmanteaux. Look! There's even an award for "Best Multi-Part Investigation."

Thomas and Baldwin at Cannes.

It’s finally time to break out the fans, air conditioning window units and anything else that helps cool off sweltering New Yorkers. Memorial Day weekend brought some wonderful weather, though not as nice as the view coming in from Cannes. As the film festival closes, we look back on one of our favorite moments: Alec Baldwin’s pre-elopement declaration to fiancé Hilaria Thomas, whom he plans to whisk away once he’s finished screaming at Harvey Weinstein. The anger-management sessions seem to be working, though: it only took one day for the notoriously hot-headed actor and the even more bearish producer to kiss and make up via  handwritten letters of apology.

Unfortunately, British Airways forgot to leave a note for Kim Kardashian when they rifled through her bags during a trip to the French coast the reality star was taking with boyfriend Kanye West. According to Ms. Kardashian, items of “sentimental value” were stolen from her suitcase. We can’t even imagine what the purloined pieces might be, but we’re guessing that at least one of them might be a plaster of paris replica of Ray J—or certain parts of him, anyway. The man who put Ms. Kardashian on the map with a dirty video that went viral only recently recovered, after a perilous hospital stay, from an almost-fatal blood clot.

But if we wanted to talk about Sex Lies and Videotape, we would have gone to see Mexican director Carlos Reygadas’ controversial Post Tenebras Lux, which was greeted by boos from an outraged audience. Apparently no one wants to watch a movie involving animal torture, orgies and demon genitalia these days. Ms. Kardashian’s sex tape? Sure. That? No way. It’s just too hot—in both senses.

Kanye West, hating on clothing (Getty)

Apparently Kanye West spent his entire weekend in an Old Navy store? We don't know where else in New York you'd even find so much khaki to hate.