Observer » Lamictal

George and Hilly

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 00:00:00 -0400

DR. SELMAN: We saw each other before Christmas, right?

GEORGE: I think we’ve had a relatively stable time. Hilly flew down to North Carolina, and I drove—got to know Hilly’s parents and brother.

HILLY: It was so much fun, for my dad especially, because Georgie showed up and I think they have similar interests. George had this documentary about Toscanini, and my dad was thrilled and we watched it with him, and it featured all these friends of my dad’s that he hadn’t seen in years, and it was so cute watching him. And then, I just knew he would love it, so I said, “Well, Dad, you think you could show George, you know, how you play your bassoon?” He said, “Sure!”

GEORGE: Her mom was wonderful, the best cook, and her brother’s hilarious. I’d gone into this thinking—because I’d heard stories from Hilly saying how “weird” they are—but it turns out that she’s the weird one. They’re totally normal.

HILLY: I’ve never really thought that my dad was weird, but my mom and brother have always thought that he was the weird one.

GEORGE: Hilly’s the nut, but it’s O.K.

HILLY: And then one night we played Trivial Pursuit, and I was so excited because George knew all the answers.

GEORGE: I did all right. Your mom won.

HILLY: I think we let her.

GEORGE: It was just fascinating to me to see a nuclear family that’s together, parents still married.

HILLY: It’s nice, though, isn’t it?

GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah.

DR. SELMAN: A happily married couple.

GEORGE: No kidding! You know the demon inside me, the Ugly Spirit—that’s a William Burroughs term—that part of me has always had thoughts like, I think a perfect arrangement would be like Taki’s. Remember that guy?

[HILLY nods.]

GEORGE: Well, he has his wife—I don’t know if this is still the case—but he was allowed to kind of see young girls. They’d come and go, and he’d always go back to his wife. They had this understanding. What’s your reaction?

HILLY: Sorry, I wasn’t listening.

GEORGE: And the Ugly Spirit says, I wonder if, a hundred years from now, a study will prove that the healthiest arrangement—not just for the man, but for the woman, too—is for the man to be allowed, once a quarter, to have a fling for a day or two. And then the woman would be like, “O.K., it’s June, go for it—but then that’s it for the rest the summer.” Maybe that would keep the relationship together and increase the longevity of the man.

DR. SELMAN: Actually, it’s the other way around, according to a theory, “sperm competition”—that in order for the gene pool to have turned out the way it did, that it was women, over the course of millennia, who were not monogamous.

GEORGE: So how about the man and a woman both be real upfront about it? Don’t women live longer? Maybe that’s what’s going on: They’re cheating and they’re living longer. And that word “cheating”— maybe that’s a misnomer.

HILLY: Wait, all of a sudden you’re Tim Robbins.

GEORGE: What does that mean?

HILLY: That whole theory—aside from your carnal desires—doesn’t make sense with any other values that you have in your life.

GEORGE: Me, personally?

HILLY: Yes.

GEORGE: I don’t get it.

HILLY: I mean, you’re so con-ser-va-tive and you’re anti-ab-or-tion—and so quick to judge other people, to condemn the movie Children of Men—

DR. SELMAN: She does have a certain point.

GEORGE: I tend to agree with you. I’m sort of happy with—we’re having—we’re going to bed together like once or twice a week. You said before that it should be at least once a day, and I really think that if you’re going out with someone for five years—and I’ve done some research into this, talked to some couples—and I never believe those surveys that say the average American man has sex 138 times a year. Maybe if he’s some 22-year-old, or if he’s on Cialis. I just don’t believe that people have that much sex. And I’m fine with it.

DR. SELMAN: So what’s your concern?

GEORGE: Well, the Ugly Spirit makes me have those fantasies!

HILLY: I can tell you right now, if I were married, I would have a lot more sex.

DR. SELMAN: With whom?

HILLY: With George. I’d want to.

GEORGE: Oh, interesting.

DR. SELMAN: And why is that?

HILLY: Or at least, I guess, engaged. Recently, I feel like I’ve been holding back personally—especially since, right before Christmas, I’ve just been in a really negative state of mind, feeling down about myself. And the fact is, I’m at this stage in my life and at an age—despite every other thing that happens every day—when that’s always going to be weighing on my mind. Just yesterday, we were talking about evil spinster bitches—

DR. SELMAN: You’re saying—

HILLY: If I were engaged, I would have a helluva lot more self-confidence.

GEORGE: Can you talk about the evil spinster bitches?

HILLY: I think they couldn’t really get by existing anywhere but New York. It starts around my age—actually, it starts in their late 20’s—and they convince themselves that they are really happy and their job comes first and they have lots of friends and their friends are really special and the problem with guys is that “they just don’t understand that my job is my priority, so I just had to kick that one to the curb! But my friends are just really great.”

GEORGE: And what do they start to look like when they’re around 45?

DR. SELMAN: We’re kind of off on a tangent ….

GEORGE: She’s worried she could end up like this.

HILLY: No, there was a time, yes, when I was concerned, but I don’t think I could ever become that—

GEORGE: Your mom said you’re going to become this crazy cat lady if—

HILLY: —if you were to run off and I would never hear from you again.

GEORGE: Uh-huh.

HILLY: It would be extremely difficult, and I can’t even begin to fathom it, but I would have to move on.

DR. SELMAN: Hilly, are you saying that you’ve been down?

HILLY: Yes, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with Georgie at all—he’s been an angel.

DR. SELMAN: Do you have any symptoms?

HILLY: Yes, my skin has broken out and I’m really fat and irritable.

GEORGE: What are you talking about? Please.

DR. SELMAN: How are you sleeping?

HILLY: I can’t wake up in the morning. I was invited to a Golden Globes party with every single celebrity you could ever imagine and I couldn’t even put my dress on; I was in bed by 9:45. I couldn’t even stay awake for the season premiere of 24.

GEORGE: You were supposed to wait, to watch that with me on DVD next year.

HILLY: That’s another story.

DR. SELMAN: Where are you getting the Prozac?

HILLY: My doctor.

DR. SELMAN: Maybe you need an adjustment or an addition—

HILLY: I just upped my dosage to 40 milligrams.

DR. SELMAN: Would you consider the introduction of a second antidepressant?

HILLY: No.

GEORGE: Yikes!

HILLY: I’ve been down that road, and the bottom line is: I’ve been taking antidepressants for way too long. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve come to rely on Prozac. But I’ve been doing really well on 20 milligrams—down from 80 milligrams a year ago. It’s just different circumstances, a little bit of everything—hormones, the weather—bringing me down.

GEORGE: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t noticed this at all.

HILLY: Oh, George, my God—I walk around like an animal, complaining that I’m fat in my big flannel pants—

GEORGE: You always seem cheerful to me. I’m at my computer and she’s in her room, she’s got this little miniature TV her dad gave her for Christmas, and I hear her cackling watching Will and Grace. Me, I have a flat-out sleeping disorder. I can’t go to bed before 7 a.m. Monday night I was working, and I got this call at 1 a.m.—“Hey, it’s my birthday, come on down to Siberia, yeah whoo!” So I go and get home at 7:15. So I guess that kind of sets my sleeping pattern.

DR. SELMAN: 7:15 in the morning?

GEORGE: Yes. I go to bed at 7 and get up around 1:30 p.m.

DR. SELMAN: Did you ever try the Lamictal?

GEORGE: No, I’m sticking with the Yankee Doodle marijuana. But I’m running out and I might get some Jack Frost. But I yelled at Hilly last night, out of frustration. I wanted her to watch Thunderbolt and Lightfoot with me and she wanted to putter around. And then you were looking for a cord for your TV and I was trying to work, and I just kind of yelled: “You gotta be quiet or I have to get my own apartment!” Sorry about that. My temper in my 20’s was sort of bad. I used to do this thing where if I was walking down the street and a car got too close to me, I would swat at it. One time I was crossing the street and this car got a little too close, so I kicked it, and the guy jumped out, came running after me, leapt up into the air—it was like this slow-motion martial-arts kick—and right before he was about to kick me in the chest, he pulled back. Then he went back to his car and he turned around and said, “Faggot!” And I happened to have a Chapstick in my pocket and I threw it at his head, and he ducked and gave me this funny look. Not like he was impressed, not like, “Well, touché …. ” He was just puzzled: “Chapstick?”

HILLY: I kicked a taxi once after some witch stole it from me. People are just animals. People can just be so downright despicable and just full of sleaze, and that’s what’s depressing.

DR. SELMAN: Well, George, you tell me you’re having insomnia. Maybe there’s something we could do for that. [to HILLY] You’re depressed.

HILLY: I appreciate your opinion, but I feel like I’ve been through similar stages, and I feel like things are about to turn around.

DR. SELMAN: Maybe we could sort of revisit the medication issue. Maybe there are better things out there.

HILLY: I don’t want to try anything else. I really don’t want to.

GEORGE: You don’t want to be a laboratory—

HILLY: And I won’t. It’s like when I was a little girl, when I said, “I’m not going to eat it,” and I would sit there with my mouth sealed shut—and my mom would try to shove the steak into my mouth. I won’t try anything else. I just won’t do it.

GEORGE: I feel the same. That’s why I don’t want to try Lamictal. If I had two months and something to make me feel really good—like a huge financial windfall or opium—then I might experiment with an antidepressant.

DR. SELMAN: Sometimes Prozac kind of loses its effect. It’s called the Prozac poop-out.

HILLY: You and your poop!

GEORGE: We’ve been really upset lately because there are these people in Brooklyn who make little mini-flags of the President and stick them into dog poop on the street, then take pictures of the flags in the poop and put them on the Internet.

HILLY: That’s another fine example of the sleaze that is all over this world. I mean, what a waste of time and thought and … and you made me watch that horrible movie.

GEORGE: Jackass Number Two. Sorry. O.K., we’re going to San Francisco tomorrow. Clang-clang-clang goes the trolley! Right? Guess that was St. Louis.

DR. SELMAN: How long are you going for?

GEORGE: Six days. She’s going for work, and I’m just going to—

HILLY: And my birthday!

GEORGE: And our fifth anniversary. And we’re going to hang out with my friend Bruce, who’s recently divorced, has kids, and has this amazing bachelor pad overlooking something or other—

DR. SELMAN: Where are you staying?

GEORGE: The Palace Hotel and then some fancier hotel. But Bruce has this plan for Saturday: He’s going to rally his friend Tim for a sail around the bay, go by Alcatraz, then go see the freaks on Haight Street. And then walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, see if this girl, Big-Breasted Amy, wants to go out. Cocktails at Specs, a trip down the crooked street at high speed, then he is going to take me to Telegraph Avenue, give me a couple hits of acid, and then we’re going to go to Muir Beach, walk through the Muir woods, hit the Mitchell Brothers porn palace and the Lusty Lady, which is a strip bar with these hipster tattooed—

DR. SELMAN: You’re going to do this all in one day?

GEORGE: I think it might be the weekend.

DR. SELMAN: Are you going to participate?

HILLY: Absolutely not. And I swear to God, if he even comes near George with acid, he’s got another thing coming, because I will not allow that on my birthday weekend. I will not spend my birthday with you sitting in bed and whining and complaining and begging for scratchy and shoulder rubs.

GEORGE: Why would I—

HILLY: You’re going to get up and you’re going to come with me to Neiman-Marcus and we’re going to take trolleys and we’re going to go to Chinatown, and were going to have a fun jolly nice time.

GEORGE: She seems fine, right? You don’t seem like you’re depressed.

DR. SELMAN: She says she’s depressed.

GEORGE: I like the dark side.

DR. SELMAN: You could try Lamictal—

HILLY: No! Stop! You’re like a pusher. I’ve met guys like you, but they don’t have doctors’ licenses.

GEORGE: He’s just trying to get you on something that might work better.

HILLY: I know, but I just—

DR. SELMAN: You might be able to go off Prozac.

HILLY: Listen, I don’t want to take another dose of something else—unless you buy me that really chic weekly pill-decanter thing from Asprey, but it’s like $900. It’s so beautiful.

GEORGE: Do you realize that in two months I’m going to have no money? And you still haven’t paid this month’s rent, your share, and that’s not going to happen, is it?

HILLY [wearily]: I’ll pay it. I don’t care.

[Silence.]

GEORGE: Well, tell about some good times recently.

HILLY: Oh, there’s this really cute thing that George does, we saw it on Conan O’Brien, with this girl from a movie called Hustle and Flow—she does a kind of home-girl cheer, and George has been imitating it.

GEORGE: Conan asked her, “Why are all these female rap songs about how, Oh I got what you want, take a look, here it is, but you’re never gonna get it?” So I do some version of that, and it makes her happy.

DR. SELMAN: Do you want to perform it right now?

[GEORGE performs the routine.]

GEORGE: This is what you want—but you’re never gonna get it ….

DR. SELMAN: You could say that to Hilly about not getting married, and you could actually mean it.

[To be continued.]

—George Gurley

Prior Articles:

George and Hilly

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 00:00:00 -0400

HILLY: Sorry I’m late.

DR. SELMAN: Great coat!

HILLY: Thanks!

GEORGE: So, Dr. Selman, you think I might be bipolar. But I gotta tell you, having tried Wellbutrin—it was only for a week, but I know the effect. Today I was in a funk, couldn’t motivate, paralyzed in front of the computer. And I had just half a hit of Yankee Doodle marijuana, and I was up, ready for action.

DR. SELMAN [to HILLY]: George mentioned you passed along some Lamictal samples.

HILLY: Well, yeah. There was a day when Georgie was thinking about taking Effexor, and we found the samples you’d given us, but they’d expired, and I had an appointment with Dr. Lamm. He gave me the Lamictal for George. I didn’t mean to be interfering.

GEORGE: It’s kind of nice, just knowing that they’re there.

DR. SELMAN: If you’re going to take them, you have to take them in a very specific way.

GEORGE [to HILLY]: How’s my Christmas spirit been?

HILLY: O.K.

GEORGE: I don’t know if you remember, but she is really into Christmas and presents and carols and—

DR. SELMAN: If you take the drug, you start out with one pill a day for a week, and then you can go to two pills a day—don’t go beyond that. If you develop some kind of rash, stop the pills. This was originally an anti-seizure medication, but the drug has been approved for bipolar disorder and depression.

GEORGE: But do you think, if I just have a half a hit of Northern Lights or Yankee Doodle after being in a funk, it’s like a little nudge toward getting me out of that—

DR. SELMAN: I would venture a guess that the risk of you getting a rash from Lamictal is less than you getting arrested for marijuana possession.

[Silence.]

GEORGE: I’m kind of worn out right now. I’ve been going to bed at 6 a.m. and waking up at noon every day, and I had some of the Yankee Doodle this afternoon.

DR. SELMAN: You’re stoned?

GEORGE: No, mildly. Around 1 p.m., I had some before I did my errands.

DR. SELMAN: Why do you call it Yankee Doodle?

GEORGE: ’Cause that’s what it’s called on the little container.

DR. SELMAN: You’ve been more depressed than usual?

GEORGE: I sure was—until I had the Yankee Doodle! Now I feel great. Totally relaxed. I will admit something: I did the Yankee Doodle to cool out, but I almost lost it at Blockbuster. The Blockbuster by our apartment closed, our membership was transferred to 51st and Eighth. I wanted to cancel our membership, so I called Blockbuster and they said, “You have to go to the new location.” So I went down there today, and I just knew something was going to go wrong. I approached the manager very politely, gingerly, and she said I couldn’t cancel my membership without my card. I said loudly, “No, actually I’m going to cancel my membership today, right now.” And she said, “Well, you need your card.” So I said, really obnoxiously, “You know, I don’t have my card. I lost it. It flew away. Now I need to cancel my membership here, right now. Where’s the manager?” She pointed to her nametag. Everyone in the store was watching us. It was kind of scary; there was a police car outside. She ended up calling the 96th Street Blockbuster, found my information, and I got it canceled.

HILLY: Those people at Blockbuster and Duane Reade are diabolical. With the exception of a very few, they’re completely rude.

GEORGE: But they have terrible jobs ….

HILLY: Guess what? That’s their problem.

GEORGE: They haven’t had the same advantages.

HILLY: Look at that movie The Pursuit of Happyness—Will Smith’s character comes from nothing and does what he can to make a better life, and he prevails, and that’s what those people from Blockbuster could do. They’re apathetic people who rely on government money, on tax dollars that we’re forced to pay—

GEORGE: Hilly, watch it. This is crazy.

DR. SELMAN: Why mention the Blockbuster incident?

GEORGE: Because I’d smoked my Yankee Doodle and yet, during a basic confrontation, I almost lost my cool. I was shouting at this woman. I apologized to her later, and I had $10 in my hand I was going to slip her. She was wearing a Santa hat.

DR. SELMAN: So you abused the poor clerk?

HILLY: Oh, come on, you know what that woman should have said—“I’m so sorry, sir, there must have been a misunderstanding. Let me see if I can make a call and work out something special.”

DR. SELMAN: That would have been the nice thing to do.

HILLY: She’s just a lazy, pathetic waste of life!

GEORGE: It’s just a few days before Christmas, and I want to be merciful and charitable.

DR. SELMAN: So how are you feeling, Hilly?

HILLY: Things have been pretty good. Except that—

GEORGE: On Sunday I threatened to blow my head off. But not seriously. Hilly was cleaning up, making all kinds of noise, and she said, “Is it O.K. if I clean the kitchen?” And I said, “Actually, I’d rather blow my head off first.”

HILLY: The night before, he said that it would be helpful if, in the morning, I were to do some things to help him wake up. For example, to get coffee and wave it in front of his nose while he’s asleep, because the scent will help him wake up. And I said, “Maybe if I got up and did some chores,” and he said: “Yes, exactly.” So even though I would have preferred to stay in bed, I went out and got coffee and came back and poured it into a mug and walked into the room and waved it around. Nothing really happened, so I left it in there. A while later, he got up and was sitting on the couch. I’d done one load of laundry, and I said, “George, would it be O.K. if I cleaned the kitchen?” Because I thought that would be another thing that would help him wake up. And he said, “I’d rather blow my head off.”

GEORGE: I knew it was going to be really loud, and I was trying to read the paper—

DR. SELMAN: How would you blow your brains out anyway? You don’t have a gun or anything, do you?

GEORGE: No—it’s like if I’d said, “I’d like to go for a bike ride.” An escape.

DR. SELMAN: How did you feel when he said that?

HILLY: I felt very upset, and I thought, Well, O.K. So I went down to the basement—which is really scary and filled with cockroaches and cobwebs—and stayed down there for two hours, sitting on a straight-back chair with my feet propped on top of the washing machine, reading Centurion magazine. And then I went upstairs and quickly got dressed and left. I understand frustrations. But if you had said, “I’d really rather you not clean the kitchen and, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I need to be alone for a while,” I would have said, “O.K., give me 10 minutes, I’m just going to throw on an outfit. I’ll be out of your hair.”

GEORGE: Remember, you were flipping through a magazine—snap, snap, snap! And I said something like, “Why don’t you try reading it?”

DR. SELMAN: You know, some people might say, “Thank you, Hilly, I would really like it if you cleaned the kitchen, I appreciate it.”

GEORGE: I know. It’s just … ahhhh … a morning thing. Another reason has to do with Christmas. She wants to do the 12 days of Christmas, where we give each other presents every night, there’s carols playing nonstop and—

HILLY: In my room!

GEORGE: I’m not finished! She wants me to spend $500 on my big present to her. She wants something from Oscar de la Renta, a dress or something, ha-ha!

[HILLY hands GEORGE a collage she’s made of Oscar de la Renta fall fashions and prices.]

GEORGE: See what I’m talking about—$7,500, $1,800?

HILLY: Those are retail prices minus—I’m anticipating a 60 percent discount at the sample sale.

GEORGE: You’re not dating an investment banker.

HILLY: It could possibly be that you show up and the clothes are actually 80 percent off or 90 percent off! There’s no way to tell. And the thing is, aside from an engagement ring, this is the thing that I covet the most. It’s so far out of my realm. This is a sample sale! I won’t be here. There’s a possibility that you could go and find an Oscar de la Renta dress that normally would have sold for $3,000 that you could buy for $300. [HILLY begins speaking very loudly] If you had any idea—

GEORGE: Oh, God. You see what I have to live with?

HILLY [continuing to speak very loudly]: —how happy that would make me. I mean, I would cry tears of joy, I would love it sooo much.

DR. SELMAN: Here you have the opportunity to make her so happy. Why would you not do it?

GEORGE: Because in the next five weeks we have Christmas, New Year’s, our five-year anniversary, her birthday and Valentine’s Day. Could this be a present for all those?

DR. SELMAN: I remember last year you ran out of the Polo store.

GEORGE: Had a panic attack.

HILLY: Oscar de la Renta—

GEORGE: Stop talking so loudly. Please. Do you hear that?

HILLY: Oscar de la Renta or not Oscar de la Renta, I would just like something filled with thoughtfulness from you. If it’s not something like an engagement ring, then something that’s a token of love, something that makes me feel pretty, something that makes me feel loved, something that makes me feel like you put thought into something that you know I would love. Like—and I have no idea how much they cost—but one of those Cartier love bracelets. It’s a simple gold bracelet, but it’s locked because it means that your love is everlasting. You can’t take it off. Or, I don’t know, you said something about a book. Well, maybe not just one book—but what if you think, Well, gosh, Hilly loves jewelry, why don’t I find some really rare books that are out of print and hard to find, about some jewelers from the 30’s and 40’s and 50’s, and buy a couple of them ….

GEORGE: That sounds more like it. I’ll go down to the Strand.

HILLY: No, you can’t just go down to the Strand for these types of books, and I don’t just want a book on, like, fake jewelry—

GEORGE [to DR. SELMAN]: Do you hear that tone? You know what book she got me recently? It’s called Blame It on the Dog: A Modern History of the Fart.

HILLY: It was a stocking-stuffer; it was a joke!

GEORGE: Here’s my problem. I have to rent a car—she’s flying to North Carolina, and I’m going to drive there a few days after. That’s going to be a thousand dollars, then I have to get 15, 20 presents—

HILLY: I already bought presents from both of us—meaningful, thoughtful presents—for everyone. You’re off the hook! You don’t have to buy presents for anyone! I have Christmas cards ready—

GEORGE: Hear how loudly she’s talking? The tone?

HILLY: It’s like I’m trying to help, but I know you don’t want to talk about it—

GEORGE: O.K.! I’ll get you the dress! But then what happens on the fifth anniversary and then your birthday?

HILLY: It’s not about that, George, it’s about the thought. I told you about the 12 days of Christmas!

GEORGE: Ugh!

HILLY: When I sent you the e-mail, I said it’s not about the cost. I gave you a box of tea. It could be a coupon for a hug—

GEORGE: Why are you yelling at me?

HILLY: It’s just about the fun.

GEORGE: It’s only going to get worse if we get married. Ten times worse.

HILLY: Because it’s my anger and sadness at the thought that you really don’t care.

GEORGE: That I don’t care? Come on. Didn’t I take care of you last night? Carry you to bed practically and bring you juice and gave you massages ….

HILLY: Yes, and that was really sweet!

DR. SELMAN: George, why would you not—first of all, if you’re faced with a choice to make her really happy, the dress or the ring—I would think you would choose the dress. But that said, even if you give her the dress, at this point you’ve basically sucked all the air out of it.

GEORGE: Well, I’m not working at Goldman Sachs, I didn’t get a million-dollar bonus. I paid the rent this month and she postdated a check, then there’s Con Ed—

DR. SELMAN: Hilly, do you think he’s reasonable with the not being able to afford it? I take it you are in on what the finances are? He’s saying that the dress is an unreasonable gift—it’s too much money.

HILLY: This is the thing. [Indicating the collage] This is just a guideline to show you what I might like. I don’t know if any of this stuff is going to be at the sample sale. The act of love for me is the thought of George going there and finding something—

GEORGE: How about a scarf?

HILLY: That’s $75 dollars.

GEORGE: Really? I thought you said I had to spend 500!

HILLY: I don’t know if it’s going to be there. No one can tell me, but you have to go and see. If you can’t find anything, that’s fine—the fact that you went and tried for me is enough.

GEORGE: Didn’t you say it’s at 10 a.m.?

HILLY: That’s the thing about a sample sale, you have to take a Xanax before you go, ’cause they’re lethal. But just go and if you don’t find anything, fine. But maybe you’ll luck out. It could be a scarf, a bag, something, it’s just—

GEORGE [moaning]: Ugh. O.K., I’ll do my best. But this is just nonstop, it’s all you want to talk about for the past couple weeks, it’s Christmas this, Christmas that and presents and —

DR. SELMAN: I take it you’re not into that stuff.

GEORGE: I’m not “Bah, humbug.”

DR. SELMAN: You sure had me fooled.

GEORGE: I just don’t want to think about it all the time. I’m doing my best.

DR. SELMAN: You yelled at the girl wearing a Santa suit.

GEORGE: I didn’t take pleasure in it. Right afterwards, I went to this health-food place, waited in line for 10 minutes for a smoothie—Berry Blast—and this new girl screwed it up. Put way too much ice in there, so it had no flavor, and I said, “Don’t worry about it,” because she was getting trained. There’s the Christmas spirit …. What’s wrong? Are you crying? Why? Come on, I’ll do all that stuff.

HILLY [crying]: I don’t care about that.

GEORGE: What’s the matter? I’ll do it! We’re just talking—it’s O.K. Please, Hilly. Come on, I’m really sorry.

DR. SELMAN: The tissues are right there.

HILLY: I was just trying to make it easy.

GEORGE: I know. But you were screaming at me. I’ll do it, I’ll get the—

HILLY: It seems like it’s such a horrible ….

GEORGE: Look at what this holiday does to people. Can we talk about one positive thing? How much fun are we going to have with your parents? Isn’t it going to be fun?

DR. SELMAN: You started out saying you were depressed; you responded to an offer of Hilly cleaning the kitchen with a suicidal threat. Isn’t it possible—and you verbally abused—

GEORGE: I think I was let off the hook on that one.

DR. SELMAN: —the poor hard-working girl wearing a Santa hat—isn’t it possible that maybe you’re a little bit off when it comes to what she’s talking about? Like maybe there could be a little bit more generosity of spirit here—

GEORGE: Spirit, definitely, but maybe not so much generosity of cash that I don’t have.

HILLY: No, no ….

GEORGE: But let me just stop there. You told me you wanted this present, this dress, and it costs $500. Now I understand what a sample sale is. I don’t want to be accused of being heartless and cruel. It’s a personality difference here. I’m not into this day and the commercial aspects, and you are.

HILLY: Another thing: You’re on the Internet all day—you can look on Craigslist for a piano teacher and, for $50, get me a piano lesson.

DR. SELMAN: Are you planning on getting her anything?

GEORGE: Of course, of course. Look, it’s the 19th. I would love to get you piano lessons. This is one thing that I’m in awe of Hilly about, is she is a classically trained musician, and her father is this renowned bassoonist. You play any piece of music and Hilly knows it cold.

HILLY: You could get me a keyboard and headphones so I could practice. I could pay for piano lessons myself.

GEORGE: I’ll do whatever you want! If you just … I can’t ….

HILLY [voice quavering]: It’s just going to be so depressing to me, when everyone around me in my life is always telling me that I should get an engagement ring, and I’m patient because I understand your qualms and stuff and I appreciate those. But the thought of getting a last-minute, un-heartfelt … just because you’ve run out of time and it’s the day before Christmas Eve and the stores are crowded and you have a panic attack and you end up getting me a T-shirt that says “I’m With Stupid” or ….

GEORGE: O.K., I’ll put more thought into it, but can you have a few less thoughts about Christmas? Because this is getting to be too much. I’ll get you everything you want, O.K.?

DR. SELMAN: George, did you know that she feels this way before this session began?

GEORGE: We have this debate every year. I am surprised at this reaction now. She did say the other day that she wants a ring because she feels old at 31.

DR. SELMAN: Why would you be surprised at this?

GEORGE: I’m surprised that she just started crying. I feel horrible. I thought we were just having a friendly debate.

DR. SELMAN: I’m curious, though. You had no idea that she felt very sad at what she perceives as some sort of withholding, or a lack on your part of generosity. That correct?

HILLY: He’s more than generous with me.

GEORGE: She wants a ring; she wants to be engaged.

DR. SELMAN: So that’s the bottom line?

GEORGE: It’s our fifth-year anniversary, she wants me to get her a dress, she wants presents and, you know, things.

DR. SELMAN: The dress wouldn’t have really made it.

HILLY: The thought behind the dress is that it’s something that I know I could never get myself. It would make me feel very pretty and glamorous and beautiful, like a princess—and that’s what boys are supposed to make the girls they love feel like.

DR. SELMAN: So it’s something you wouldn’t get yourself, just like you wouldn’t get yourself a ring?

HILLY: Right.

DR. SELMAN: But did you know this in advance?

GEORGE: Yes.

DR. SELMAN: So why would you then put yourself through this, because you just said, “O.K., I’ll do it”?

GEORGE: Well, it’s too late now, but next year let’s try Christmas without presents and maybe just go to church. Do that every other year. We can play the Christmas music. That’s a legitimate thing—no need to exchange presents. That doesn’t make me a freak.

HILLY: But it’s one of my favorite things in the whole world! Has been since I was a little kid.

GEORGE: I’m not kidding you, Dr. Selman, for the month of December this is all she thinks about.

DR. SELMAN: Why would you not just give in to it and get her something, make it look good and you spare yourself all this grief?

GEORGE: Yeah, all right.

DR. SELMAN: Why wouldn’t you?!

GEORGE: I still have four days to do my shopping! I’ve had other things to think about. We live together and it’s the only thing on her mind. O.K., I’m really cheap. But like, those dresses cost thousands of dollars. I’ll take care of that. I did already get you that stuffed animal dog, didn’t I? That was something. Have we been having fun living together?

DR. SELMAN: I feel like we’ve sucked the air out of Christmas.

GEORGE: Well, don’t people have trouble during the holidays?

HILLY: But you have to think about the good parts of it, about how it’s the time of year when you spread good cheer to all of those around you.

GEORGE [sighing]: What’s your favorite Christmas carol? What are some your favorite Christmas movies?

DR. SELMAN: What are some of your Christmas memories that have led to your attitude about Christmas, George?

[Silence.]

GEORGE: I don’t have any bad memories. What about you, Hilly?

HILLY [pulling out some photos]: I’ll show you something.

GEORGE [to DR. SELMAN]: Pictures of me—oh ho ho. Pictures of me, circa age 7, that Hilly Photoshopped with a Santa hat and driving a sleigh and smoking a pipe—

DR. SELMAN: Is there pot in that pipe?

HILLY: See, his cat Baba’s a reindeer.

GEORGE: Ha ha ha. That’s funny. [To HILLY] I’m sorry for throwing pizza at you the other night.

[DR. SELMAN laughs looking through the photos.]

HILLY: You can have one if you want.

DR. SELMAN: I’ll take George smoking a pipe. Yankee Doodle in there! You guys are like opposites in some ways. She provides all these emotional, fuzzy moments, and you’re like, you know, “Why don’t I just blow my brains out?”

GEORGE: That’s not me all the time. Don’t I get really sensitive? Cry during movies.

HILLY: He did this thing to me—that my mom always did—because I like to hug him for a long period of time.

GEORGE: I cried during The Love Boat once.

HILLY: And he pushes me off. My mom does it, too: “Get off me!”

DR. SELMAN: Where would you ever find another girlfriend like this?

GEORGE: I know! I agree. And I love her.

DR. SELMAN: Why don’t you show that, then?

HILLY: I just wish that you would enjoy thinking about something that you think would make me happy. The obvious things are materialistic: Oscar de la Renta, a Verdura cuff bracelet, anything from Lanvin. Something thoughtful—if you made me a memory bowl. That would be so heartwarming, and it wouldn’t cost money.

GEORGE: How do you make a memory bowl?

HILLY: You think of all of the heartfelt, funny times we’ve had, and you write them on little pieces of paper, roll them up and put them in a container. Anytime you have an argument or something sad happens, you go to the bowl and you pull one out, and it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling.

DR. SELMAN: That’s nice.

GEORGE: O.K., I’ll do that, and I’ll get you a fancy present. Will it sweeten the deal at all if, after this session, I take you somewhere of your choice, like Café Luxembourg?

DR. SELMAN: Why don’t you just give her the ring already?

HILLY: Well you know, the other thing you can do—because I investigated it, I went to many stores and I asked them: You can buy the ring without the stone and then later on, when we’re rich and famous, you just put the stone in. But that’s up to you—do it when you want. But I just want you to know that, even though I work for a fantastic and wonderful jewelry company, my ideal ring costs about $60,000, and it’s from Harry Winston. I don’t expect to have that. And even if you did give it to me, I wouldn’t wear it every day, because it would be too flashy. I want something that comes from the heart. I want something that maybe was your Gimma’s or something that you find at an antique store. Something plain. I don’t care about any of that other stuff. I don’t.

—George Gurley

[Postscript: For Christmas, George ended up getting Hilly two sweaters on sale at Ann Taylor, two books on fake jewelry, Godiva chocolates and a candle from Bergdorf Goodman.]

[To be continued.]

Prior Articles:

George and Hilly

George Gurley — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 00:00:00 -0400

GEORGE: A lot has happened, changes and drama and …. Everything seems to have ironed itself out, though, right?

HILLY: For the most part. I guess.

DR. SELMAN: What are the changes?

GEORGE: Last time we talked to you was from Rome, when Hilly learned she’d been evicted. But we managed to have a great time, right?

HILLY: Yes, we had a great time.

DR. SELMAN: Whatever happened with Hilly’s apartment?

HILLY: Our attorney filed petitions with the district councilwoman and the police precinct, and they said there was no way they could evict me without having served me. And the next day, the landlord defied them and did it anyway. Took all my stuff.

GEORGE: We met with our lawyer, and Hilly had a major victory in court.

HILLY: George was ready to testify, and my neighbor who takes care of my cat was subpoenaed. But neither of them was called to testify because the landlord’s attorneys decided to settle.

GEORGE: So you won, and you were so happy.

HILLY: Then I went to speak to the attorneys and said, “As part of this agreement, I would like to go back to the apartment and make sure that everything was removed.” They said to me in good faith that everything was removed. I said, “Nevertheless, I’d just like to make sure.” So I went there the next day and brought my friend Paul ….

GEORGE: I should have gone.

HILLY: … and met that Bernard guy from the rental office, and we went upstairs, and 20 percent of my things were still in my apartment, including my great-grandmother’s crystal perfume decanter that she made me—that was in the toilet. And this guy Bernard and his girlfriend were making fun of me, taunting me, and I was sobbing. They were talking in Spanish, saying I was crazy, and I said, “Why don’t you speak the goddamn language of the fucking country you live in so I can understand it!” Finally he said, “You have to get out of here right now.” I had this screwdriver, because I have these glass shelves in the bathroom, because I wanted to take them. Aside from that, there was an Hermès bag hanging—I’m sorry if that sounds elitist or something, but you don’t need to know the name; it’s a beautiful bag hanging there—

DR. SELMAN: Why is it that, if you won the case, you couldn’t move back in?

HILLY: I didn’t win the case—I settled. I agreed to leave there permanently.

GEORGE: But it felt like a victory, right?

HILLY: In a way. I think, ideally speaking, I was imagining that all of my things were neatly packed and moved, and I needed to move out of that apartment anyway, and maybe this is just the way things happen. And I was on 80 milligrams of Prozac, and I thought, “Well, this is good. Everything will be over …. ”

DR. SELMAN: Are you still taking 80 milligrams?

HILLY: Yeah.

DR. SELMAN: How is that?

HILLY: It’s pretty good! And this other stuff.

DR. SELMAN: Your doctor put you on Lamictal?

GEORGE: To help you sleep?

HILLY: Bipolar disease, he said.

DR. SELMAN: Right, it’s a treatment for depression for people who have bipolar disorder.

HILLY: After I saw Dr. Lamm [ Dr. Steven Lamm, GEORGE and HILLY’s general practitioner], I tried to stop taking 80 milligrams of Prozac and start taking 40, and I kind of had a breakdown or something. Then I thought maybe I ought to wait until this is all over.

GEORGE: By the way, she’s moved in with me, to my apartment.

DR. SELMAN: That was my next question.

GEORGE: Ha ha!

HILLY: So yesterday, I could finally get my stuff back from the ghetto hock place. I went there first on Friday, and I went there alone—it was so scary. They have this partition between you and the person you pay in cash. So that you can’t beat them up or shoot them. I was like, “I have a car service waiting for me—do you really think I’m going to shoot you or beat you up?” And then she got nervous ’cause she didn’t have $10 change, and I said, “I trust you’ll give it to me Monday when I come to pick up my stuff.” It was just so weird and sleazy. Then I went back yesterday—again alone—and had to be there alone from 6:30 a.m. until 9:30 a.m., when the movers showed up with all these men who had pornos called Black Cheerleaders ….

[DR. SELMAN coughs.]

HILLY: But they were nice. And my stuff was in pretty good condition.

DR. SELMAN: Dr. Lamm put you on Lamictal? How many pills?

HILLY: Now it’s two a day.

GEORGE: We also saw Dr. Lamm together for wellness advice. He thinks we should stop drinking.

HILLY: No, he thinks that we need to do this thing where we drink two ounces of alcohol—no more, no less—a day for one month. If you can, then it’s some sign we’re not alcoholics.

GEORGE: So we’ve been living together, and she’s been unable to focus on anything else except for her confiscated stuff—her memory bowl, her Jackie O. books … it’s good she has those back now. But haven’t I been caring and supportive? Be honest.

HILLY: For the most part, yeah.

GEORGE: There have been all these hurdles, and every time we get over the next one, every time we get a bit of good news about your stuff, you would find some reason—you just couldn’t get over it.

HILLY: Yeah, I was depressed. I remember one day telling you when I was sitting there, sobbing, I said, “George, I’m sorry—I don’t think the most insane person on the planet could be taking this many pills and still cry.”

GEORGE: You were also drinking. You were guzzling a bottle of white wine a night, maybe even opening up a second. I told you that after this is resolved, if we’re living together, we have to come up with something else. You said, “I just want to be numb and knock myself out.”

HILLY: Hmmm-mmm.

GEORGE: Because other things are going to come up. Last night, after all her 30 boxes had been moved into my apartment, everything safe and secure, she goes, “I think I’m coming down with something.” I said, “Oh no you don’t!” And made her take a squirt of Wellness Formula.

DR. SELMAN: Neither one of you has ever lived with anyone before?

HILLY: Roommates.

DR. SELMAN: I mean in a couple.

GEORGE: Noooo. I’ve only lived with dudes. Didn’t work out. I was kicked out of my fraternity twice.

DR. SELMAN: So this is a first.

GEORGE: Yes. I think it’s working out. I want to list the positive stuff. I think we’re getting along better. Even though she wakes me up every morning at 7 a.m.—she tries to be quiet, but I wake up, right? And, well, sex—more sex—you know, happening on a regular basis.

HILLY: I’ve been making good snacks for you.

GEORGE: And the place is so clean—and I’ve been cleaning too! I spilled Diet Coke on the kitchen floor, and normally I just would have left it there, but I was like, “Oh no, what’s Hilly gonna say?”

DR. SELMAN: Normally you would have left it there?

GEORGE: I might have done something half-assed.

HILLY: You’ve left cat vomit on your treadmill up to a week.

GEORGE: So I’ll be lounging on my couch, and she’ll bring me this tray of hors d’oeuvres. It’s, um, heavenly. So the downside—

DR. SELMAN: What’s the downside?

GEORGE: This is random, but she doesn’t want to go to this grocery store across the street, Pioneer, because it’s too noisy—people are shouting at each other. She said it’s like being in Thailand.

HILLY: No, no, I didn’t. I said it’s depressing.

GEORGE: But they have good deals there. You can get two two-liter Diet Cokes for $2.

HILLY: But it’s not pretty. If you go to Citarella, they have the Diet Cokes in pretty little vintage bottles.

GEORGE: Her mother says she has a princess complex.

DR. SELMAN: If that’s the worst thing, that she buys—

GEORGE: I got a list. How did you get this princess complex?

HILLY: Well, if I have a princess complex, then you have a Little Lord Fauntleroy complex.

GEORGE: She definitely has been infantilizing me.

DR. SELMAN: How big is the apartment?

GEORGE: Pretty good-sized. There’s a little room that’s my office that I better turn into my bedroom, and she’s up in what she calls her cubbyhole. She’s made it really nice—framed pictures on the wall.

HILLY: It’s like a loft bed space that you have to climb up a ladder to get to, up by the ceiling.

DR. SELMAN: So where’s George sleep?

GEORGE: The couch.

HILLY: It hurts his back.

DR. SELMAN: Why don’t you, uh, sleep together?

GEORGE: We do that when we’re in hotels. Maybe we should try that.

HILLY: It doesn’t seem to work for you, though. The past couple mornings, I’ve left the apartment barefoot and walked to the vestibule to put my socks and stuff on there, because I’m afraid of making more noise. He’s so sensitive to even the slightest sound.

GEORGE: I can’t wear my earplugs anymore because of my sinus condition. Yeah, she’s been incredibly considerate, and yet I think I’ve said, “You’re driving me crazy!” maybe a dozen times. Sorry. [ To DR. SELMAN.] I’d like to kind of confess one thing: I’ve been ruthless about cutting out late nights, but do you think it’s better to take two or four hits of marijuana, just to chill me out every day, maybe two drinks and half a Klonopin? Do you think that’s a better regimen? I know you can’t recommend any drugs, but …. For instance, the other day Hilly broke my iPod. Normally I would have been like, “Goddamn it!” But I just had a little hit of pot and chilled out.

DR. SELMAN: Where’d you get the Klonopin?

GEORGE: Well, I was going to this breathing doctor who gave me Ambien, and I don’t like it at all.

DR. SELMAN: How much Klonopin?

GEORGE: A little yellow pill.

DR. SELMAN: Half a milligram. And the point of taking the Klonopin is what?

GEORGE: Trouble going to sleep.

DR. SELMAN: How long have you been having trouble sleeping?

GEORGE: Couple months. I also do sprays in my nose. Don’t you hear it?

DR. SELMAN: I do. How long have you been congested like this?

GEORGE: It’s allergies, smoking and my cat. I put Breathe Right strips on my nose every night.

DR. SELMAN [ to HILLY]: So you had cats also?

HILLY: Well, one died last February, but I have another one, Sven, who’s staying with my friend Alex in Brooklyn. The thing is, George’s apartment isn’t big enough for two people and two cats, especially with his allergies. Sven is very affectionate and never has a problem with any other animal. But George’s cat Bobbie is really skittish.

GEORGE: She doesn’t even warm up to me sometimes.

HILLY: She’s actually been really, really weird since I’ve been living there. She has this whole new attitude—glaring at me all the time.

GEORGE: Any time we’re lying next to each other, she just stares—

HILLY: She’s jealous—it’s kind of weird.

GEORGE: I think I have a weird thing with my cat. She thinks I’m her mom, but there’s something physical. Do you know what I mean?

HILLY: Well, there is something weird, but I don’t think it’s that weird. I just think she’s suffered from a lot of trauma, and you’re the only person she thinks she can trust.

DR. SELMAN: This is the cat that got raped?

HILLY: And tried to commit suicide.

GEORGE: And almost died after she got declawed at age seven.

[ Pause.]

GEORGE: Hilly’s paying half the rent. That’s another positive. Aren’t you?

HILLY: So far. Ha ha ha ha.

[ To be continued.]

—George Gurley

Prior Articles: George and Hilly published 03/20/06 George and Hilly published 02/6/06 George and Hilly published 01/23/06 George and Hilly published 01/16/06 George and Hilly published 12/26/05 George and Hilly published 11/14/05 George and Hilly published 11/07/05 George and Hilly published 10/24/05 George and Hilly published 10/17/05 George and Hilly published 10/10/05 George and Hilly published 10/03/05 George ’n’ Hilly, Back in Couples, Turn on the Doc published 09/26/05 But Should We Get Married? Part III published 08/29/05 But Should We Get Married? published 08/15/05 Should I Get Married? My Hilly Joining Me In Couples Session published 08/08/05