Levi signing books, making gay baby photos

You have to hand it to Levi "Deer in the Headlights" Johnston: he has some schweaddy balls on him. His "tell-all" book tour in New York has taken him this week from the Russian Tea Room to something called “The Men Event," billed as NYC's  "largest gay social and business networking" shindig. (They should add the qualifier... "to be held at a Dave & Buster's.") It was at that party that Mr. Johnston happened to make a "gay baby" with The Daily's John Paul Hennessy in a photobooth.

According to The Daily's Tumblr:

Our staffer managed to coax Johnston into the Gene Machine – a photo booth that takes pictures of two individuals and, using facial recognition software, shows you what your baby would look like.

It was actually a pretty adorable child, but in typical Levi-style, the Alaskan homeboy said that his own baby was "cuter" before dashing off to promote the book he wrote to piss off his son's  mother and grandma.

Then again, Mr. Johnston probably wouldn't have been able to answer you. His ghostwriters live on a boat named the Coconut. Soif you did go out today to buy a copy of Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs, be warned: it's totally coconuts. Levi (or technically, Mr. and Mrs. Cowan) alternate tales of hunting expeditions with thinly-veiled smears against the Palin family: Bristol had plastic surgery, she had Tripp by tricking him to have sex with her after she stopped taking birth control, Sarah Palin was always hitting on him when she wasn't trying to ruin his life, Todd was never there, and Willow was just plain sexy. (Even Piper gets in at one point.) The whole book reads sort of  like a Penthouse letter, except a terrible one that quotes a lot from poorly-written text messages.

Even the animal metaphors don't make sense. Is Levi a bear or a deer? Is Bristol a goat or a salmon? Is Sarah a bear or a hunter? It's enough to make us wish someone involved in this book had gotten their high school diploma. Just so you don't have to go through it yourself, here are some of the best moments in Mr. Johnston's new memoir.

1." I'd spent hours there holding her in my arms, running my fingers through her hair. I loved her hair. I loved every inch of her. I was about to make this statement with my hands when Bristol laid her hand over mine. It felt like a cold salmon. ... My parents, she told me, are having another baby. She said the word parents with air quotes."

(Scandal: Bristol Palin is adopted?)

2. (On Sarah Palin's Alaska) "That voice of Willow's dripping with sarcasm. Swearing like Todd. She will turn out to be the family beauty – but that mouth of hers is something."

(Stop.)

3. "Wasilla is SpongeBob's bellybutton."

(This is not taken out of context.)

4. "They've put me in a pistachio-green T-shirt, with a map of Alaska on the front. Wonderful nuts. That's the brand and they are good.

(Don't hug the bunnies too hard there, Lenny.)

5. "Are you pregnant? I asked her over the phone.

No.

Are you lying?

No, she shot back. I'm not fucking lying.

Fine, I told her. But I knew."

6. (In describing the unexpected pregnancy): "Oh, God, I remember thinking. I'm gonna be gored by a fucking goat."

7. "The bear didn't give a shit that I was there. I was insignificant. Bristol acted the same way."

8. "Little did Sarah know that night that Bristol had something other than moose meat in her tummy."

(This was after Tripp's birth, so we actually have no idea what was in there other than moose meat.)

9. (On rumors knocking up Lanesia Garcia) "A second reason why this baby could not be mine, as if another reason were needed, was that I'd used protection. Thank you, Wonderful Pistachios."

(What? What is the deal with all the pistachio references?)

10. "If John Wayne hadn't agreed to play Sam McCord, where the hell would I be today?"

We have no idea, Levi. We have no idea.

Who's going to be a (maybe not entirely convincing) street b-baller on film?

Which TV show may be coming back without its marquee attraction?

And which soon-to-be-departed show may be gifted with a Levi Johnston appearance--that is, if Levi gets his way? (He may be aiming a bit high here.)

What should be Michael Kinsley's first--and probably last!--act at Bloomberg, if Jack Shafer's to be believed?

"It's about a family and it's about time and space. He's using the movie, of course, very filmically, which is how it should be used: not to tell a life story but a story that really stretches over decades and beyond." Which highly anticipated summer film does this describe? (Not the Transformers sequel--we swear!)

ddaddario@observer.com :: @DPD_

On Friday, Britain's favorite tabloid prude, "Wait-y Katie," will tie the knot with Prince William, ending the royal hand-wringing and ushering in a new batch of commemorative teacups. Also arriving later than expected will be Levi Johnston's long-anticipated Sarah Palin tell-all, Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs. (That is not a joke; our joke title would have been something like I Was Told There'd Be Hush Money or maybe Battle Hymn of the Reluctant Baby-Daddy: A Tripp Down Memory Lane.) The groundbreaking tome will be released by Touchstone Publishing in September, just before the mayoral election in Wasilla, in which Mr. Johnston, who famously posed nude for Playgirl clutching his (non-euphemistic) hockey stick, is a candidate. That is also not a joke. In related news, we can now confidently answer that yes, Jon Meacham, there is a hell, and in it, even virile reality television stars are allowed to hold public office.

Speaking of which, Donald Trump is making a visit to New Hampshire this week--his first to a primary state--a move that seems to indicate that he is not playing chicken with the presidential primaries, or, if he is, that he's not planning on yielding anytime soon. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the Knicks, who handed the playoffs to the Celtics in a four-game sweep, leaving many fans not feeling so, forgive us, 'Melo. Oh, well. At least we'll soon have the Nets, who'll land at their stadium near ProCro in 2012.  "ProCro," if you haven't heard, is the new moniker for areas of Crown Heights that wish to be regarded, for purposes of inflated rents and broker fees, as Prospect Heights. Brooklyn has already suffered the indignities, visited upon it by overzealous real estate brokers, of BoCoCa and GoCaGa (neighborhood nicknames that sound like artisanal coffee beans and overactive bladder medications, respectively), so we're glad to hear that State Assemblyman Hakeem Jeffries is putting his foot down--albeit belatedly--and developing a bill that would require new neighborhood names to be approved by the City Council and the mayor, and would even seek to punish brokers for making up new names. And if you're interested in buying an apartment in PaSloPro, there's a bridge in DumBroHei we'd like to sell you.

While we're on the topic of suspicious propositions, The Times' Horatio Silva received a suspect missive last week from someone claiming to be the aide to the minister for culture and ethnic affairs in Libya and demanding that Muammar el-Qaddafi's wardrobe receive a retrospective at the Met in 2013 (we're all for it, if only for the Met Ball theme "Libya and Louboutins"). The best part of the letter, though, was the claim that Michael Jackson ripped off Colonel Qaddafi's military style in the early '80s, "to great chart success." This posthumous fashion throw-down is almost as comically late as Friendster's decision to pull the plug on itself, finally, after more than six years of being completely obsolete. According to reports, it plans to re-brand and shift its focus to Asian users. As if Tokyo didn't have enough to worry about these days.

But it's not all bad. The spring weather is making us feel kind, perhaps even charitable. Maybe during our lunch break, we'll even let the dreadlocked young blond woman with the clipboard talk to us about whaling. At least it will remind us of the ocean, and that summer's just around the corner.

The series will debut on Discovery's TLC.

"Our family enjoys Discovery's networks," said Governor Sarah Palin in today's press release. "I look forward to working with Mark to bring the wonder and majesty of Alaska to all Americans."

Details about the series were scarce. We can only hope it involves heavy doses of Todd Palin on a snow machine.

In the meantime, for those hankering for a taste of Alaska, we recommend going back and reading John Jeremiah Sullivan's excellent profile of Levi Johnston from the June '09 issue of GQ.

Then suddenly: Well, we all know what happened. Bristol happened to you and then Sarah Palin happened to all of us.

“There are lots of dropouts,” said Gabriel Weaver, a 32-year-old lawyer who lives in Los Angeles and grew up in Wasilla. If you’re not going the college route, he said, “the name of the game is to get a job for one of the oil companies on the North Slope. And then you can have a blue-collar lifestyle and buy a snow machine and a bunch of guns, and make a semi-decent blue-collar sort of living. But lots of people end up working at Blockbuster Video their whole lives, or at the Wal-Mart. There’s a lot of poverty there.”

Josh Sieler is 26, born and raised in Wasilla and working there as an assistant manager at a hardware store; he’s studying to get his teaching degree.

“Basically, if you’re not into the wilderness here in the Alaska, you’re either miserable or you learn to get into the wilderness,” he said. “You have to make your own fun. There’s no Y.M.C.A. A pool hall will open for a couple of months and then close on account of lack of money. You learn to fish, or you play paintball, go hiking, go cross-country skiing, climb mountains or go four wheelin’. It can be a boring state.”

Is life for a young man in Manhattan any better? Look at Guy Mellitz. For six years he lived in a 400-square-foot apartment on East 21^st Street. Shared the pull-out couch bed with his cat. Fold it up in the morning—crrrflump! What’s outside the window? Police academy recruits doing jumping jacks on the roof. Grew up in St. Louis. High school sucked. He came to New York to become a movie producer; instead he became a New Yorker. Broke up with his girlfriend a year ago. Took a breather. Hello, Match.com. He loves it! Met a nice girl. Well, met half a dozen “nice” girls!

Mr. Mellitz said he first heard about Levi Johnston on MSNBC. “I think he’s the typical 18-year-old male douche bag,” he said. “He probably wanted to have sex, and now he has to do the right thing, quote unquote.” Mr. Mellitz said he himself would probably marry the girl, hope for the best. “But I’d certainly be hating it.”

“There’s nothing to do in Wasilla, so we have house parties and stuff. Or people’s families have cabins. That’s probably the number-one thing,” said Mr. Weaver. “Or if you go to Anchorage, there’s some fun bars. There’s not a place where young people hang out.”

Michael Pih is a first-year law student at Georgetown University. Going places! “They’re both going to be high-school dropouts,” he said of Levi and Bristol. “Their earning potential is going to be severely limited by the fact that they’re high-school dropouts from Alaska, no less.”

I wasn’t so sure. I corresponded with a Wasilla resident named Caleb, who is 29.

“I don’t know if you know about ‘The Valley,’ but a teenager getting knocked up is certainly not news for us,” he said. “So I am not at all surprised. As for Levi Johnston, what is the big debate? Last I heard he was going to marry Bristol. Why wouldn’t he?”

The comedian Bill Maher has called Levi “America’s number-one political prisoner.” He’s begged the youth to remember he still has options. “This is the 21st century, at least in the blue states,” Mr. Maher said on TV the other night. “You don’t have to do this. You have options,” he said. “Just grab your skull bong, climb out the window and get on the highway.”

“What I’ve heard from family members is that it was a high-school sweetheart kind of a deal,” said Mr. Sieler of Levi and Bristol. “In Alaska people tend to get together with somebody—and let me think of a way to say this—it doesn’t seem as frivolous as it does down in the states. There’s not as much of a guy-girl ratio; there’s not a whole lot of fish in the sea in Alaska. You know, I married my high-school sweetheart and we’ve been together 10 years.

“If anything, I think it’s going to make things easier,” he continued. “You know, having snow for nine months a year, winter nine months a year, I absolutely would go insane if I didn’t have a wife next to me, or a significant other. It’s nice to have a companion in Alaska. I wouldn’t say that he has to all of a sudden give up any aspirations or goals that he has in his life. As far as ‘getting out,’ you know, it’s hard to get out of Alaska. You figure we pay $500 to go to Seattle round trip.”

So Levi, embrace the new hair cut and sharp-looking blazer. John McCain has looked you in the eye, gripped your biceps—heck, he’s practically adopted you. Work this thing, man, and play your cards right. You’re within sniffing distance of one of the most powerful political superstructures in the world. Whether or not Bistol’s mom becomes veep, if you work this, you can land a cushy job in Cindy McCain’s beer distributorship empire. We’re talking company car—make it an Escalade!— an expense account, all the Bud you can drink. Keep your eye on the puck.

In the words of Guy Mellitz, “Hang in there buddy. Do your best.” Guy knows what he’s talking about; things are looking up for Guy! He’s moved out of that 400-square-foot shoebox to Astoria.

smorgan@observer.com

Levi Johnston, the young gentleman behind 17-year-old Bristol’s Palin’s pregnancy, has changed his Myspace status to “In A Relationship” but still seems a bit ambivalent about his new role. [US Weekly]

A group of “concerned citizens” calling themselves Anonymous plans to picket the opening night of Katie Holmes’s Broadway debut in All My Sons in an effort to “save” the actress. We wish them the best of luck. [The Scoop]

MSNBC is looking to glam up the already beloved Rachel Maddow before the premiere of her new prime time show. [P6]

Kanye West paid $15,000 for 50 pairs of Carrera sunglasses—and he didn’t even ask for a bulk discount! [Showbiz Spy]

Publicist and reckless driver Lizzie Grubman is expecting twins. [P6]