Lindsay Lohan (Getty Images)

Generally, we try to stay away from Hollywood gossip because a) We are a respectable operation that cannot compete with TMZ.com and Perez Hilton and b) We are not in Los Angeles, so what do you care what Khloe Kardashian is eating  right now?

However, sometimes an event is so critical that it transcends the regional and becomes a national news story. Especially when the train wreck may be headed directly towards NYC. That's right, we are now obliged, as a New York publication, to inform you: Lindsay Lohan is on the run from her rehab engagement--guess that Coachella sobriety stint didn't take--and she might be making a break for it in the Big Apple.

And while this disturbing news does not have the city on lockdown quite yet, the silver lining is that this Lohandidty (meh, that'll do) led to perhaps the best newspaper sentence all week, courtesy of The New York Daily News and Lohan's attorney, Mark Heller.

See, Mr. Heller has been fighting with Santa Monica D.A. Terry White, who expected Ms. Lohan to turn herself into a Long Island facility today. Instead, Ms. Lohan showed up on the property of Morningside Recovery Center in Orange County, then somehow ended up at an electronics store nearby, where she got "spooked" by the paparazzi and headed to LAX...to fly to New York. Maybe to go to treatment? Possibly? More importantly, how does Lindsay Lohan have the ability to buy herself an airplane ticket these days? Not like she's on a Do Not Fly list (though she should be), but the logistics of the purchase just seem overly complicated, no? Unless she had an accomplice...

...which we know was not her attorney. D.A. White hadn't signed off on the Morningside treatment center, and Mr. Heller was just a little too cocky in announcing that Ms. Lohan had shown up at the wrong facility on purpose. Leading to him inserting shiny loafer directly into mouth:

"My client is ensconced in the bosom of that facility right now," he said, before realizing that his statement was not true.

Perfect. Perfect sentence. Now all that's left to do is raise our Lohan alert level to firecrotch red and lock our doors. Do not go to any Gatsby premiere parties tonight, and whatever you do, stay away from the Meatpacking district or any place a Ronson may be DJing.

(Lavo.)

With their 300-percent liquor markups and capricious, power-wielding bouncers, nightclubs are hardly known as bastions of fairness and decency. So it should come as little surprise that they might be charging their customers illegal fees—and no, we’re not just talking about the drink prices. (Seriously though, $18 for a vodka soda? What is this, prohibition?)

According to The New York Post, some of Manhattan's ritziest clubs are under investigation by the city for charging clients illegal “operations charges” of up to 22 percent.

The clubs being investigated include swanky nightlife hotspots like EMM Group's Bow, Tenjeune, Finale and SL, as well as Tao Group's Lavo, Tao and Avenue (also known as great spots to go if you're looking to get in a fight with Lindsay Lohan).

For example, Finale on the Bowery charges a five percent additional "operations fee" for booze and a 22 percent "operations fee" for bottle service. As the fine print on the bottom of the receipt reads, “This ‘operations fee’ is not a gratuity and is not distributed to the service staff or dancers as a gratuity.”

Paying way too much money for no reason? Yeah, that sounds pretty consistent with our clubbing experiences.

The club owners claim that these fees are fair game since they are not hidden from customers. As COO of Tao Group Bill Bonbrest told the Post, "Prices and pricing policies are clearly presented to our guests before an order is placed." However, Consumer Affairs spokeswoman Abigail Lootens claims that “even if listed on a menu or receipt, surcharges are illegal in New York.”

Club-goers seeking a refund have the promising option of contesting these fees with their credit card companies, who are widely known for their love of refunds and hatred of hidden fees.

So, weekend warriors, be warned–clubbing might not in-fact be the savvy fiscal investment you thought it was. That being said, when any night out holds out the irresistible promise of running in to a coked out Li-lo with happy fists, how can we resist?

Mr. Heller, much like Ms. Lohan herself, was also big on excuses, telling the judge the reason he was unable to file the correct paperwork in time for a dismal of charges was because her previous lawyers had made such a mess of things. Unfortunately, the woman who sponsored Mr. Heller in court to be Ms. Lohan's representative has "never practiced law a day in her life."

Now Ms. Lohan is faced with two choices: either get another lawyer, or waive her right to a competent one. Hmmm ... wonder what she'll choose!

Ha ha, just kidding!

Sundance! (Sundance.com)

Sundance Film Festival, perhaps the most sporty/mainstream of all the cinema fests (Cannes more about getting drunk in the sun and being weird, SXSW is more about being the next Lena Dunham), is currently full swing. Which means that all the celebrities have mercifully vacated the premises for a week and are up in Utah, pretending to know what those white, flaky stuff on the ground happens to be. Though we haven't seen the film selection this year because we're still not allowed in NC-17-rated films, we do have our own Grand Jury selection awards to hand out for Excellence in Sundancing. Take a look.

Lindsay Lohan acts with props. (YouTube)

You can really feel her frustration in this scene, which is obviously from the movie because Lindsay Lohan would never spend that long trying to find a missing cell phone. (Also, like, who even owns a land line anymore?)

But then you can really feel how scared she is when her boyfriend (porn star James Deen) stalks in and hits her because he knows about her and Ryan. (Ryan who? Ryan Lochte? Probably Ryan Lochte.)

On the plus side, Lindsay Lohan found her cell phone (it was in her boyfriend's drawer, not that weird), and also, acting!

Lindsay Lohan and James Deen in The Canyons. (Facebook)

If there ever was a week for longreads, this would be it. After Elizabeth Wurtzel's 5,500-word essay published in New York about crazy landlords/Not Compromising on Life, The New York Times Magazine proved that it hadn't cornered the market on histrionics. Thus, an 11-page exposé about Lindsay Lohan and The Canyons, the Kickstarter-funded film written by Bret Easton Ellis and directed by Paul Schrader, co-starring porn heartthrob James Deen.

As you can imagine, the piece chronicles what a nice time everyone had on the short shoot—which took place over three weeks last July--with a lot of fond, funny anecdotes. Like the time Ms. Lohan took too many sleeping pills, locked herself in a closet, and refused to come out until Paul Schrader took off all his clothes? That one is great. The pitch-perfect tone was immediately reflected in its  blog-snark title, "Here Is What Happens When You Cast Lindsay Lohan in Your Movie."

A fine choice, but a little unsubtle. We offer these 10 other titles that would have equally reflected the appeal of such a long, labor-intensive piece of journalism.

1. "Here Is What Happens When You Take All Your Meetings at Chateau Marmont"

2. "'Julia Roberts Is Late!': The Lindsay Lohan Story"

3. "Paul Schrader Takes It All Off"

4. "How Not to Make a Film"

5. "That Time Lindsay Lohan Called Everyone Else Unprofessional"

6. "I’ve got one assistant passed out at my house and the other one in the Palisades saying he wants to hang himself. Life’s great.”

7. "Do you know that iPhone app that makes explosions?”

8. "Grownups Crying"

9. "When Porn Is the Least Interesting Part of Your Film"

10. "American Psycho 3"

Davis. (Photo by Andrew Reid)

Manhattan Madam and former gubernatorial candidate Kristin Davis has a few words of wisdom for struggling starlet Lindsay Lohan: fire your lawyer.

Ms. Lohan was arrested this morning after an alleged “bender” following the negative reviews of her recent flop Liz & Dick. Police say she got into some fisticuffs with Tiffany Eve Mitchell in the VIP section of Avenue Thursday evening and collared her there and then.

Following Ms. Lohan’s arrest for assault in the third degree for punching the Florida psychic in the face at the Chelsea nightclub, the redhead reportedly enlisted the help of notorious New York attorney Mark Heller.

In an open letter to Ms. Lohan, Ms. Davis claims that during her stint at Rikers during everyone's favorite Eliot Spitzer scandal, Mr. Heller committed a host of crimes against her, including but not limited to stealing thousands of dollars, turning her case into a media circus and calling her “lunch meat” in court.

“Dear Lindsay,” the letter, which The Observer obtained before its release, begins.

“While we don’t personally know each other, I feel compelled to inform you about your choice in attorneys, Mark Jay Heller.  If you care about your freedom- you will fire him immediately and retain competent representation,’ Ms. Davis says, before mentioning that Lifetime once made a movie about her life.

 The Observer spoke to Ms. Davis about the letter and why she felt so compelled to help Ms. Lohan.

“He’s a hawk. He watches the news and finds a high-profile person and says 'I’ll represent you for free,'” Ms. Davis said. “I retained him prior to my arrest to turn myself in. He went out there and tried to sell my story instead of trying to keep me out of jail.”

One of her most horrifying memories of her time with Mr. Heller was when he allegedly referred to her as lunch meat.

“In one of his motions to dismiss the case he wrote, ‘We all know that prosecutors can indict a ham sandwich and Ms. Davis is not a piece of lunch meat.’ The judge was shocked,” she said.

Ms. Davis says that Mr. Heller failed to secure bail for four months, leaving her “rotting in Rikers.” After giving him upward of $175,000, Ms. Davis says she fired him for incompetence. She hired a new attorney and was freed four days later.

“We’re talking about her freedom. I want to do the right thing for Lindsay.  She could be looking at a year in jail at least,” Ms. Davis.

Ms. Davis’s complaints against Mr. Heller are not unwarranted; The New York Times ran a profile of him in 2010 in which they interviewed former clients, judges and fellow attorneys that called him a “menace to the public,” “shockingly cavalier and abusive,” and cited a disciplinary panel that recommended a five-year suspension for “puffery.”

Earlier this year, convicted pimp Jason Itzler fired Mr. Heller at his sentencing for failing to keep him out of the pokey.

“I don’t trust Heller!” Mr. Itzler shouted at the time, according to The New York Times. “Heller to me is the devil!”

Mr. Heller, whom we reached by dialing him at 1-800-LAWYER-911, took the criticism in stride.

“I became an attorney 44 years ago, and in all that time I’ve represented a lot of clients. Thankfully most of my clients are happy. Apparently Ms Davis is unhappy, but the allegations that she has made are inaccurate,” Mr. Heller told The Observer.

He rebuffed her claim that he stole any funds from her or was dishonest in his dealings. He wasn’t sure, however, if he had ever compared her to the product of a corner deli.

“It sounds like a great quote,” he said. “I just don’t recall saying it.”

He said claims like Ms. Davis’s go with “the territory,” and went on to take a dig at her.

“I think there are some very serious issues concerning her credibility,” he fired back.

As for Ms. Lohan, he says he and she are bosom buddies, having met in the wee hours of the morning at the 10th Precinct.

“I was contacted yesterday. I met her at the precinct. I got her released in a short time without any bail or orders of protection,” he said.

He told The New York Post that Ms. Lohan was “a victim of someone trying to capture their 15 minutes of fame,” but like all stories involving LiLo, there’s yet another twist.

Turns out Mr. Heller may not even be Ms. Lohan’s attorney after all, according to her freshly hired PR reps.

“Lindsay Lohan’s attorney remains her longtime legal counsel Shawn Holley. Mr. Heller is not representing Ms. Lohan as is being reported,” a member of Ms. Lohan’s team told The Observer.

Another happy ending.

Dickdickdick. (Lifetime)

– Chris Brown wants to poop and fart on lady comedian; deletes Twitter account.

– Charlie Sheen once gave Lindsay Lohan a check for $100,000 to help out with her IRS "debt," which is one case of the blinded-by-syphilis leading the blinded-by-syphilis.

– Liz & Dick premiered last night on the Lifetime channel, and Twitter was very excited about it, but apparently it was awful, no d'oy.

– If you ever wanted to know how to destroy Goop, here's Gawker's handy guide.
– Justin Bieber no longer beloved by Canadians, even while being given a White Trash award by the nation's Prime Minster.

Mr. Lohan wrote "I want to say that I watched Mean Girls just prior to Liz and Dick in order to compare Lindsay's acting from then until now! That being said, due to the content, I had to step away from some of the scenes." Liz & Dick depicts the rather torrid beginnings of the Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton liaison that invented modern celebrity culture.

The celebrity father compared the new TV movie, too, to the 2006 historical drama Bobby, which received respectable reviews and was one of Ms. Lohan's last big-screen roles. "In Bobby and "Liz and Dick", she had to assume and play another person! Regardless of what some of these so called critics (who don't have an ounce of talent in their bones) say, Lindsay proved that she is an amazing actress!"

Mr. Lohan and his daughter are currently estranged, if Ms. Lohan's comments on her Liz & Dick publicity tour(whereby she disavowed any knowledge of recent happenings in her father's life) is any indication. But Dad has faith in daughter's abilities: "This was a different role for her at a different time of her life! Yet, she still has what it takes to be the Lindsay Lohan that is one of Hollywood's top actresses!"