Photo Credit: Jordin Althaus/AMC

To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce

From: HR

Subject: Reminders

To all staff-

Just wanted to once again take this opportunity to go over a few policies that some of you may be unclear on.

There has been a recent increase in staffers smashing glass end tables. This is great, and we support it! We realize it’s difficult for creative types to deal with workplace pressures and unwind in a safe way. That’s why we’ve been using candy glass in our tables and windows for years now. Also, all of our chairs are painted Styrofoam, so have at it! And, our own Ken Cosgrove is actually the grown-up version of a carved wooden puppet boy who once made a wish to become real. Smash away, we can fix him.

On the topic of stress relief, we’ve been alerted to the fact that some of you have taken to throwing X-acto knives into dartboards perched just above fellow staffer’s heads. This is TERRIFYING, please stop it immediately. As you may or may not be aware, there is no part of the human body that won’t be ruined when you touch it with an X-acto blade. So do not do that. Moving on…

We’ve got a special treat for those of you in the office who are tired of merely drinking hard liquor and smoking to excess all day long. “Oh, man! Another large glass full of enough alcohol to murder a rhino followed by an actual pound of nicotine? Again?!” Haha, well, we heard you.

That’s right, we encourage those of you working through the weekend to stop by the second floor where “Dr.” Hect will inject you with a dangerous cocktail of B vitamins but mainly drugs. Keep in mind, these are incredibly powerful stimulants that he’s been working on himself, under seemingly no supervision. At all. He doesn’t even have an office of his own, hence the “working here” part. I’m pretty sure I saw him get off the bus this morning. Like, off the top of a bus. The roof. The bus hadn’t been operational in years from the looks of it. He had some clothes in a pile up there and was stroking the head of a baby bird… ANYWAY.

He will ask you about your medical history, like say, a possible heart condition, but then give you the shot anyway so I guess he’s just chatty. Did we say he was a Doctor? That’s unclear. It may be more of an honorary thing. Or a nickname. Your friend “Tiny” isn’t actually tiny and that’s fine with you, right? Well, same thing here.

Also, a rather delicate matter has been brought to my attention. Not sure how to go about this… There have been a lot of questions regarding a newcomer to the office, the vaguely ethnic, spiritual-ish, hippie woman in the flowy dress. Questions like, “Are we allowed to sleep with her? Should we sleep with her? She offered to read my I Ching, is that code for sleeping with her and if so, may I then sleep with her?”

I’ve checked with management and the answer is a definitive NO. PLEASE DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN. She is the possibly underage daughter of the recently deceased Frank Gleason. Those of you who did sleep with her (guilty) please immediately stop sleeping with her.

If you encounter her, quickly turn around and walk the other way. Definitely do not let her read your thoughts. What she tells you will sound impressive at first but this is actually just her being incredibly attractive.

And finally, I know we run kind of a loose ship here, what with the creative types and also those suffering from full blown alcoholism, but we must remind you: If you are a senior staffer who happens to stumble upon another employee having sex with the grieving, incredibly alluring, almost siren-like fortune teller, IT IS NOT OKAY TO WAVE A FELLOW STAFFER OVER TO GET A LOOK AT IT. Come on, creepy. This type of behavior would not fly at any other firm and it does not fly here. (Well, maybe with one or two members of upper management.)

Thank you,

Rhonda Sullivan

Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources

Kevin Seccia is the author of Punching Tom Hanks. You can follow him on twitter here.

(Photo credit: Michael Yarish/AMC).

To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce

From: HR

Subject: Changes

 To all staff,

I would like to take this opportunity to address the rumors that have been floating around the office about a potential merger.  Yes, it’s true! Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce will be merging with Cutler, Gleason & Chaough effective immediately.

Undoubtedly this WILL affect some of you. The merger offers an exciting opportunity to grow our business and reevaluate all of your contributions as we embark on an exciting future. While we know that this might make some of you nervous about job security, we encourage everybody to embrace the changes and continue to strive for excellence. Please know that while restructuring does create an opportunity to address redundancies, we hope that everybody knows that we are grateful for the start-up challenges and appreciate all of your work.

That said, some of you can expect follow-up emails about the merger. If that happens, please know that stoicism is valued and we will be bringing in a team to help with job counseling. While it is never easy to watch valued co-workers leave, we need to continue to create the best agency on all of Madison Avenue and emotions should be kept to a minimum. Remember, business as usual!

On that note, I would like to use this opportunity to touch upon a few policies that some of you may be unclear on.

We understand that sometimes tensions can run high at work and arguments are inevitable among stressed out, creative types prone to guzzling tumblers full of scotch throughout the day and well into the night, however we urge you to limit these outbursts whenever possible.

Specifically, the staircase in the center of the office seems to be the focal point for conflict. While it is a visually dramatic spot – who doesn’t love yelling at someone while descending in grand fashion, and sure, yelling at another human being while climbing steps sounds fun, too – we ask that you take these interaction to a more private location. Like our highly visible, entirely transparent, inexplicably curtain-less conference room!

A word to junior staffers: at times you will be witness to some of the aforementioned uncomfortable arguments and while it’s impossible to avoid seeing all tense moments, we’d like to review protocol for making it seem like you did just that.

DON’T stare at senior staff while they’re arguing. AVOID all eye contact. DO that thing where you're looking at a spot on the wall, for absolutely no reason. “Hey, is that painting new? What’s that, you say, it’s not a painting, just wallpaper? Interesting!”

Or, stroke your chin and pretend to be thinking hard about something far, far away. “Hrrmmm.” Like that!

We appreciate your discretion in these matters, as you know, we work in a writhing snake bed of secrets, horrors, and clumsily hidden atrocities and that can at times be a challenge!

(This is more of a personal plea, so bear with me... Really? Still a “no” on the blinds in the main conference room? I STRONGLY urge you to reconsider. Even like a wispy, satiny thing, that would still keep our silhouettes visible? Maybe a Venetian blind situation, so thin vertical parts of our bodies would occasionally be obscured? I really don’t get the pushback on this. I am happy to pay for these out of the petty cash, and even install them myself.)

Some of the newer staffers may be unaware but the bottle of St. Germain, spirits of Elderflower in the bar is always reserved for Bert Cooper. We had an incident recently where he wanted a drink and none was available. Also reserved for Bert: the dusty bottle of bathtub gin, the fermented Pterodactyl blood in the stone bowl, and the silver vial of ambrosia given to him by Poseiden.

Also, a note for the maintenance department, we may need to stop polishing the stairs with axle grease as we’ve had a few falls recently. Please switch to the can of WD-40 in the hall closet as soon as possible, thank you.

Again, a reminder, Harry Hamlin is a vampire bat injected at birth with a cocktail of human growth hormone and Stetson cologne, then raised as a man. He is to be avoided.

Thank you,

Rhonda Sullivan

Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources

Kevin Seccia is the author of Punching Tom Hanks. You can follow him on twitter here.

(Photo credit: AMC)

To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce

From: HR

Subject: Recent Events

To all staff,

Just wanted to touch on a few reminders. We are all proud of the great work being done here at SCDP and very excited to see that work being rewarded by the advertising community. With that being said let’s go over some award show etiquette.

Keep in mind, you are still representing the company even when off premises. As is your alarming mustache.

Complaining about poor seats at the event is considered gauche and should be avoided. We had reports of several staffers doing this. Also to be avoided, mentioning the fact that “Paul Newman” sounded nothing like any version of Paul Newman ever heard at any stage of his long and well-documented career. Did you think he sounded like the opposite of Paul Newman? Well, keep it to yourself.

As you know the show was briefly delayed ten minutes due to a horrendous tragedy with global ramifications sure to be felt by millions of people for decades to come. And so the awards show asked me to pass along the following for next year:

Assassination = ten minute break

Terrorist attack on our shores = fifteen minute break, extra round of shots

Alien invasion = no break but those of you choosing to do so may align yourself    with the alien forces.

And finally, this really doesn’t even need to be said, but Harry Hamlin is a creepily unsettling presence created from sex-burnished, casting couch leather cursed by a witch to take human form and should be avoided at all costs.

In light of recent tragedies feel free to take a personal day if you need it. Some of you. You know. Or… whoever… Actually, please approach your individual department head to determine if this offer applies to you. (Stan Rizzo this does not apply to you.)

Or, if you choose to come into the office and need to work through issues stemming from the tragedy there are people who can help you, they stock the bars located in the conference room, staff room and all senior partner’s offices. If ANY bar is empty find one of these people, they will help you deal with this difficult time.

Accusing someone of being a racist at work, loudly, is considered inappropriate. Unless that person is a racist? I, of course, am NOT one, and anyone would tell you that. Just wanted to put that out there… Ask my pal Lou, actually.

While not officially a work policy, and hugging is absolutely a personal choice for you, we urge you to really, really do your best to read the situation accurately before offering a hug to a grieving staffer. No one wants to look at that.

Quick hug tip: Are your arms touching them while theirs are nowhere to be found anywhere on your body? Your hug may have been a horrible mistake.

Lastly, have you recently seen a jarringly intense man with a face like one of those fish that’s never seen daylight? He was found muttering about ghosts, Indian chiefs and something called the Dharma Initiative while rummaging through file boxes at four am, wearing a lamp for a hat. Please do not allow this man further entry to the building.

Have you spotted an incoherent, shoeless man wandering about the halls in a possibly drug induced haze, stopping to momentarily interject himself into situations before muttering and then stumbling off? Obviously this is one of our founders, Bert Cooper. Treat him as you would your spouse’s war veteran grandfather at a summer gathering. Nod, agree with him, and then dive into a bush the moment his head turns.

Thank you,

Rhonda Sullivan

Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources

@kevinseccia

(Photo credit: AMC)

To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce

From: HR

Subject: Reminders

To all staff,

Just a quick reminder, all meetings should happen in the office, during office hours. Otherwise, it is considered entertaining.

We have two conference rooms available and would be happy to accommodate any needs you may have. They are brightly lit, and highly visible with clear glass windows that allow for everyone in the office to see you, say, cry or weep or berate an underling. It’s actually impossible to not see this happening. So be aware of that. Thanks!

Some people who will go unnamed had reported that they were uncomfortable witnessing bouts of anger, rage and world weary looks that betrayed the hint of crippling sadness crushing you like a stone thanks to a life gone dangerously awry. They were immediately dismissed.

Others have requested we merely install blinds in the conference rooms. We are looking into it, but are currently unable to accommodate said request.

If your meeting is of a more clandestine nature please reserve the mysterious room at the end of the hall labeled “Private.” Note: This is the room that was previously labeled “Super Top Secret Accounts” and prior to that, somehow, “Expressly Forbidden Heinz Ketchup Pitches.”

The television department has requested that you refrain from using their American Broadcasting Corporation mug, which is reserved for use by the head of the television department, exclusively.

Once last week it was unavailable and Mr. Crane was forced to take his morning coffee in a whisky tumbler. Again, this mug is only for people who bring in money during daylight hours.

Also, re: timecards. You MUST punch yourself out at the end of each workday. Having a co-worker punch you out is grounds for immediate termination especially if you are terrible at doing that thing where you try to talk behind a person’s back and they turn around at superhuman speeds and catch you.

We all enjoy celebrating the birthdays of our co-workers, however, if you leave the premises to purchase a group present for the birthday boy or girl you must punch your own time card out.

In the event you are fired and have gathered your belongings in a box PLEASE make sure that said box has a sad little plant sticking out of the top of it when you make your walk to the elevators. This is just how things are done. If you do not have an exit walkout plant we would be happy to provide you with one.

It’s come to our attention that someone has been stealing tin foil from the office kitchen. Please stop this immediately. We are happy to provide the foil for your cooking and sealing needs but remember that foil is there for ALL of us to share and enjoy. Last week Mr Crane tried to wrap up part of a danish in tin foil to enjoy later on only to find no foil, which forced him to just eat the whole thing on the spot, standing over the sink.

White Go-go boots have been spotted on several staffers and despite what you may have been assured by Mr. Sterling, after hours, these are not considered appropriate office attire.

Due to some recent events we are now requesting that the firing of secretaries goes through the human resources department. You will be required to fill out four forms in triplicate which must then be initialed by at least two partners, copied again, and submitted for approval. Note: this replaces the previous system: angrily barking at someone on a staircase. Thank you in advance!

And finally, weird, pushy characters suddenly appearing in every third scene must not, under any circumstances, ask Mr Draper, “So how are things going?” Incidents of this kind are subject to an immediate dismissive scowl and possible dead eyed glare from Mr. Draper.

Thank you,

Rhonda Sullivan

Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources

Don Draper, killing it. (AMC)

There has to be some sort of running gag over at AMC HQ regarding the ridiculousness of their Mad Men promos. Nothing happens! Every week, we find out that if we stay tuned next Sunday, we can watch Don pick up a phone, Betty furrow her eyebrows, and Roger say "Well, that was something!" Pete is shown changing TV stations as some sort of meta-commentary on what we wish we were doing, instead of watching Mad Men commercials.

Whatever the answer, if you've never seen one of these advertisements, The Observer made a ultimate compilation mix. Feel free to play on a loop as a substitute for actually watching the show.

Boom. There you go. Or if you need something longer, here's a great video that encapsulates all the things left unsaid on the show.

And here is Press Play's preview, which was created last year:

On the Next Mad Men from Press Play Video Blog on Vimeo.

We still assert that conceptually, these are two very different takes on the same joke: While Press Play focused on the best preview possible, we went to the gutter in order to create the worst (and most realistic) version of the vague and information-less commercials.

Be nice to the clients. (Photo credit: AMC).

To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce

From: HR

Subject: Office Protocol

To all staff,

Just a quick note about some issues that we have come to our attention of late. 

1) No matter your personal feelings for a client, please remember that they are clients. Respect is of the utmost importance. When somebody extends their hand, it is customary to shake that hand. If that person is a client, it is mandatory. We know that you are creative types (especially those of you in Creative) but our agency thrives on making the client feel like we like them. If you cannot do so, we would prefer you take a personal day than expose our clients to rudeness, however subtle you may think it is. Trust us. They notice.

2)Please be advised that the speaker phone, while a useful invention, means that there may be people other than your intended audience listening to your call. While we don’t have a policy against personal phone calls after hours, just be advised: discretion is important. Please adhere to common sense guidelines when it comes to the phone. Otherwise, we may be forced to institute what, for lack of a better term, we may have to call a "social media policy." And nobody wants that.

3) While we know that needs arise and it is not uncommon for our staff to need to step out for the occasional hour or two, your secretary should be able to get in touch with you should an emergency arise. No need to explain. Just leave a phone number that she can reach you at.

4) And finally, we would like to remind our entire staff that should anybody need to deal with their feelings about the late Mr. Pryce, or any other issue (be it foreign or domestic), we have extra whiskey, bourbon, vodka and gin available in the supply closet. If your office supply has run out, it is your secretary’s duty to see that the bottle is refilled. Additionally, we have extra toilet paper in the janitor's closet should your wife forget the essentials while marketing. We see no problem with our partners grabbing a roll or two. Anything to keep the peace on the homefront!

Thank you,

Rhonda Sullivan

Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources

Business as usual. (AMC)

To: Employees of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce

From: HR

Subject:  Policy Review

To all staff,

We hope you had a lovely Christmas and a happy New Year to boot! We know that 1968 is going to be a huge year for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, one in which we'll see all our targets hit. On that note, we hope you all enjoyed your holiday bonuses, which--while not as large as the number circulating around the rumor mill in the office due to some financial irregularities--were still quite competitive. A new year is a fresh start, and with that in mind, we ask that you all take a moment to review the SCDP employee handbook, so we can learn from our hiccups last quarters and move forward. (Note on handbooks: If you haven't received yours, ask your secretary to find it.)

Office morale: As many of you know, we lost one of our founding partners over Christmas. Lane Pryce was a highly-regarded member of our company, and his untimely death was a tragedy. To wit: We've recieved complaints from several staffers regarding some gruesome speculation as to the manner and location of Mr. Pryce's demise. We would ask that everyone please refrain from giving more voice to these ugly (and highly detailed! my, what imaginations you all have!) hearsay. While we can't at this time fully disclose the climate surrounding Mr. Pryce's passing until a formal inquiry has been made, we can address the following rumors:

1) Mr. Pryce's ghost is not haunting the halls and of course it is perfectly safe to enter his former office. The frankly ludicrous theory that in order to avoid the "ghost's curse" one must kiss a copywriter is not just offensive but shows a distinctly weak display of cognitive faculties. We would hope that any employee of this firm would know better than to fall for such macabre tomfoolery. (We are looking at you, temp pool.)

2.) Addendum to 1.): While the building may not have a ghost, the haunting sense of metaphysical unease and ennui that has pervaded this floor since The Incident is totally normal, and can be chalked up to Wintertime Blues and/or death of a colleague. The best cure for the creeping fear of your own mortality is, as always, a sunny attitude.

3.) Despite reports to the contrary, none of our other managing partners are currently showing symptoms of suicidal tendencies. The occasional office crying jag, scheduled therapy session, ill-timed vomiting spell and/or death-embracing sales pitch should be treated as what they actually are--business as usual--and not given undue speculation.

This is not to say we take mental health lightly at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. On the contrary, we have just received the DSMII and are currently on the lookout for an insidious little brain disease that we'll just call "Midlife Crisis-itis." Symptoms may vary but be extra vigilant for the following signs of the disease: a sudden lack of interest in ass-grabbing, long musings on the existential, a marked increase in consumption of cigarettes and alcohol, a marked decrease in consumption of cigarettes and alcohol, and/or long periods of staring into space after being asked a question, almost as if the person in question has been reminded of something...something very far away. If you or your coworkers start displaying any of these symptoms, please contact us immediately

On a lighter note, if anyone finds a copy of Dante's Inferno, can you please return it to Mr. Draper's office during lunch?

Thank you,

Rhonda Sullivan

Head of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Human Resources

Clockwise from left: Damian Lewis in Homeland, Steve Buscemi in Boardwalk Empire, Andrew Lincoln in The Walking Dead, Jon Hamm in Mad Men, and Bryan Cranston on Breaking Bad. (Ed Johnson)

On Sunday night, as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were making history as the first two women to successfully elbow out a male host for the Golden Globes, audiences took in an unprecedented display of girl power. With Lena Dunham winning for Best Actress in a Comedy, Girls taking Best Comedy, and Julianne Moore winning for Game Change, we trumpeted a new era ... one in which women could not only captivate an audience but do so with an unlikable protagonist. (Hannah Horvath is no Tony Soprano, but she can be plenty unappealing at times.)

Many of the night’s other nominees, including the stars of Veep and Nashville, fit into the same category, as did the un-nominated (but still there in spirit) Edie Falco in Nurse Jackie, Laura Linney in The Big C and Laura Dern in the criminally under-watched Enlightened, which premiered its second season this week. This last is perhaps the best example of these hard-to-watch heroines, with Ms. Dern playing the most delusional, self-righteous and self-martyring female antihero ever to traipse through premium cable.

It was a great night for rude, crude, progressive women. Unfortunately, it was an even better night for Bad Men.

In 2007, when Mad Men won the Globes for both Best Drama and Best Actor, AMC’s new prime-time show featuring gin-swilling 1960s philanderer Don Draper as its protagonist was still considered edgy for a non-premium cable show. Today, networks feature increasingly despicable, morally complex and utterly doomed characters, and the awards tend to follow. In the last several years, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has seen fit to nominate a serial killer (Dexter), a U.S. Marine-turned-Islamic terrorist (Sgt. Nicholas Brody in Homeland), several corrupt politicians (Enoch “Nucky” Thompson from Boardwalk Empire and Boss’s Tom Kane) and the world’s most dangerous high school science teacher (Breaking Bad’s Walter White) in its Best Drama and Best Actor categories.

This year, four of these ne’er-do-wells crowded the Best Actor box, with accolades for Homeland’s Damian Lewis, Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston, Mad Men’s Jon Hamm and Boardwalk’s Steve Buscemi. The only exception to the rule: the disgruntled-but-ultimately righteous Will McAvoy from The Newsroom. God save us when an Aaron Sorkin antihero is the closest we get to a good guy.

The rest are endemic of a new trend in millennial TV protagonists—men who are, if not quite villains, then at least Bad Men. At best, our guy is an immoral misanthrope and a latent misogynist. At worst, he’s a sociopath, one who may or may not be running an international drug cartel. Or a terrorist ring. If you’re lucky, he’s merely a serial killer who kills other killers. And the scary thing is: we relate to them. We empathize. And if they don’t already hate their wives and children, not to worry—we do. How can we not, what with the missus harping about domestic nonsense when there is a meth empire to run or a presidential front-runner to assassinate?

It’s not just awards-season accolades that reflect the shift away from shows about good guys: Homeland, Breaking Bad and Dexter beat their top ratings last season. The Walking Dead surprised even its biggest fans by shattering basic cable numbers with its season-three premiere, which saw an audience of 10.9 million total viewers, the “biggest telecast for any drama series in basic cable history,” according to The Hollywood Reporter.

It’s not hard to see what attracts today’s audience to these characters. For the first time in our history, the majority of men will not be able to surpass their fathers in wealth or status. With the recession, record job losses and lack of affordable health care, the Great Emasculation is well underway. Thus our need for men who at least take a stand, for good or ill, men whose nihilism often stems from psychic trauma. Men who, if not kind or ethical, survive and even flourish under dismal conditions. They might not be heroes, but we respect them.

Unlike, say, their horrible wives.

Take, for instance, Jessica Brody, the wife on Homeland played by Morena Baccarin. Not only did she cheat on Sgt. Brody during his eight years in captivity and after he returned, she pestered him for “the truth” throughout season one, only to freak out about his embrace of Islam and finally kick him to the curb. Meanwhile, Brody tried—he really did—to be a good husband and father even as he plotted his terror attack. If only Jessica hadn’t been so nosy, if only his daughter Dana had shown him a little bit more respect, maybe he wouldn’t have felt the need to run off with a bipolar C.I.A. agent.

Which isn’t to say that the protagonists of these shows ever voice any misogynistic tendencies. They don’t have to. It’s the programs themselves that turn the viewers against long-suffering wives, female colleagues and blameless children. A recent Huffington Post article on the 21 Worst Characters on television included the love interests on The Walking Dead, Mad Men and Boardwalk Empire. These shows, along with Breaking Bad and Homeland, all portray nosy, ineffectual matriarchs who are simultaneously ice-cold bitches, helpless victims and puritanical enforcers. We resent these women for the usual reasons women are often resented: because they are nosy, because they aren’t affectionate enough, because can’t keep their husbands from straying, because they are not always perfect mothers. Of course, they are driven to the brink by their husbands’ actions. But in a world that glorifies amorality, women are the spoilsports. They might be “good” (at least in relation to their husbands), but that makes them worse than bad. It makes them sneaky, shrewish and thoroughly unsympathetic victims.

Walter White is a Bad Men:

But Skylar is kind of worse:

Even worse, they are whores.

For instance, even though both Jessica Brody and Lori Grimes had the moral loophole of thinking their husbands were dead, we can’t help but resent them for carrying on with their husbands’ best friends. Betty Draper and Skyler White are also guilty of the cardinal female sin of infidelity, which is much harder to swallow, somehow, then when their fellows stray. (Poor Walter White has been at least sexually faithful to his wife, only to have her retaliate for his drug dealing by having an affair with her boss.)

Despite the flagrant violence of these shows, the Bad Men still tend to put “family first,” long after they give up every other social convention. And if they lash out occasionally (Draper’s constant bordering-on-abusive-relationships with his paramours, including both his current and former wives) or engage in stalker-level harassment (Walter White breaking into the house of his separated wife and refusing to leave), we sympathize.

In December, a 26-year-old Long Island man named Jared Gurman got into a fight with his girlfriend of three and a half years. They were arguing about The Walking Dead. Mr. Gurman—who described himself on Facebook as “an underappreciated person,” who felt that he should be “making more money at work”—took out a .22-caliber semi-automatic rifle and shot his girlfriend in the back. She ended up with fractured ribs and a punctured lung and diaphragm, all for calling Mr. Gurman’s theory about the zombie apocalypse “ridiculous.” Fans of the show might recognize a certain irony: despite a plethora of semi-automatics and reasons to put one to his wife’s head, Rick Grimes never took a shot at his wife.

What a mensch!

Dish gets back their troubled heroes (AMC)

Which begs the question: Why now?

The new deal, according to The New York Post, has Dish paying AMC Networks and Cablevision $700 million in cash (to be stored in Walter White-styled locker), and in return, AMC will let Dish show their programming.

When the threat of Dish cutting off service first came to our attention, they were getting awful close to the 11th hour mark for the premiere of the season of Mad Men.

"Don't worry, this has happened before," a colleague said, referring to Dish's continuing war-time negotiations with Cablevision. But this one was different: the premiere came and went, and Dish refused to play ball, despite the fact that in the past year, AMC Network had split from Cablevision and was now a privately owned company run by Josh Sapan.

But Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead (along with Mad Men) are the three major staples of AMC's brand network. So why fold for the zombie show instead of the one getting all the Emmys?

It's pretty simple: while Breaking Bad is critically acclaimed, its ratings high for the series premiere brought them 2.9 million viewers. For The Walking Dead season three premiere, the record for the network was shattered with an astonishing 10 million tuning into the opening. Once Dish saw how many potential eyes they could be losing, reaching a deal with AMC was a no-BRAINS!-er.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Getty Images)

The Emmys, television's slightly-less-glitzy answer to the Oscars, are this Sunday, and we have some relatively uneducated guesses as to which of the nominees will bring home an oddly spiky statuette.

Best Actress in a Comedy nominees

Zooey Deschanel, New Girl

Lena Dunham, Girls 

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

This overstuffed category--seven nominees!--excluded two of last year's nominees as well as the acclaimed and Golden Globe-winning Laura Dern performance on Enlightened, so each person here has a passionate base of support. Even so, it's not hard to believe that Edie Falco and Tina Fey have already been rewarded amply, and Melissa McCarthy's moment of big-screen fame after Bridesmaids contributed more to her win last year than any great love for Mike & Molly. That leaves four! Zooey Deschanel's New Girl performance seems too controversial to gain broad support here, while Lena Dunham will get her reward elsewhere, in the writing category. Amy Poehler's Parks and Recreation simply doesn't seem as popular among Emmy voters--it failed to get a Best Comedy nomination--and Julia Louis-Dreyfus has won twice, for two different series. They like her any way they can get her, and she'll win for being the star of a buzz-y, popular show.

Best Actor in a Comedy nominees

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Louis C.K., Louie

Don Cheadle, House of Lies

Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory