Mr. Heller, much like Ms. Lohan herself, was also big on excuses, telling the judge the reason he was unable to file the correct paperwork in time for a dismal of charges was because her previous lawyers had made such a mess of things. Unfortunately, the woman who sponsored Mr. Heller in court to be Ms. Lohan's representative has "never practiced law a day in her life."

Now Ms. Lohan is faced with two choices: either get another lawyer, or waive her right to a competent one. Hmmm ... wonder what she'll choose!

Ha ha, just kidding!

Davis. (Photo by Andrew Reid)

Manhattan Madam and former gubernatorial candidate Kristin Davis has a few words of wisdom for struggling starlet Lindsay Lohan: fire your lawyer.

Ms. Lohan was arrested this morning after an alleged “bender” following the negative reviews of her recent flop Liz & Dick. Police say she got into some fisticuffs with Tiffany Eve Mitchell in the VIP section of Avenue Thursday evening and collared her there and then.

Following Ms. Lohan’s arrest for assault in the third degree for punching the Florida psychic in the face at the Chelsea nightclub, the redhead reportedly enlisted the help of notorious New York attorney Mark Heller.

In an open letter to Ms. Lohan, Ms. Davis claims that during her stint at Rikers during everyone's favorite Eliot Spitzer scandal, Mr. Heller committed a host of crimes against her, including but not limited to stealing thousands of dollars, turning her case into a media circus and calling her “lunch meat” in court.

“Dear Lindsay,” the letter, which The Observer obtained before its release, begins.

“While we don’t personally know each other, I feel compelled to inform you about your choice in attorneys, Mark Jay Heller.  If you care about your freedom- you will fire him immediately and retain competent representation,’ Ms. Davis says, before mentioning that Lifetime once made a movie about her life.

 The Observer spoke to Ms. Davis about the letter and why she felt so compelled to help Ms. Lohan.

“He’s a hawk. He watches the news and finds a high-profile person and says 'I’ll represent you for free,'” Ms. Davis said. “I retained him prior to my arrest to turn myself in. He went out there and tried to sell my story instead of trying to keep me out of jail.”

One of her most horrifying memories of her time with Mr. Heller was when he allegedly referred to her as lunch meat.

“In one of his motions to dismiss the case he wrote, ‘We all know that prosecutors can indict a ham sandwich and Ms. Davis is not a piece of lunch meat.’ The judge was shocked,” she said.

Ms. Davis says that Mr. Heller failed to secure bail for four months, leaving her “rotting in Rikers.” After giving him upward of $175,000, Ms. Davis says she fired him for incompetence. She hired a new attorney and was freed four days later.

“We’re talking about her freedom. I want to do the right thing for Lindsay.  She could be looking at a year in jail at least,” Ms. Davis.

Ms. Davis’s complaints against Mr. Heller are not unwarranted; The New York Times ran a profile of him in 2010 in which they interviewed former clients, judges and fellow attorneys that called him a “menace to the public,” “shockingly cavalier and abusive,” and cited a disciplinary panel that recommended a five-year suspension for “puffery.”

Earlier this year, convicted pimp Jason Itzler fired Mr. Heller at his sentencing for failing to keep him out of the pokey.

“I don’t trust Heller!” Mr. Itzler shouted at the time, according to The New York Times. “Heller to me is the devil!”

Mr. Heller, whom we reached by dialing him at 1-800-LAWYER-911, took the criticism in stride.

“I became an attorney 44 years ago, and in all that time I’ve represented a lot of clients. Thankfully most of my clients are happy. Apparently Ms Davis is unhappy, but the allegations that she has made are inaccurate,” Mr. Heller told The Observer.

He rebuffed her claim that he stole any funds from her or was dishonest in his dealings. He wasn’t sure, however, if he had ever compared her to the product of a corner deli.

“It sounds like a great quote,” he said. “I just don’t recall saying it.”

He said claims like Ms. Davis’s go with “the territory,” and went on to take a dig at her.

“I think there are some very serious issues concerning her credibility,” he fired back.

As for Ms. Lohan, he says he and she are bosom buddies, having met in the wee hours of the morning at the 10th Precinct.

“I was contacted yesterday. I met her at the precinct. I got her released in a short time without any bail or orders of protection,” he said.

He told The New York Post that Ms. Lohan was “a victim of someone trying to capture their 15 minutes of fame,” but like all stories involving LiLo, there’s yet another twist.

Turns out Mr. Heller may not even be Ms. Lohan’s attorney after all, according to her freshly hired PR reps.

“Lindsay Lohan’s attorney remains her longtime legal counsel Shawn Holley. Mr. Heller is not representing Ms. Lohan as is being reported,” a member of Ms. Lohan’s team told The Observer.

Another happy ending.

Julien Chabbott, the co-founder of the now-defunct smartphone app Line Snob, was arrested and charged with felony assault after he allegedly drove over Police Officer Felix Recio's foot early Saturday evening.

"He had a concussion and some other injuries," said Mr. Heller, who claimed Mr. Chabbott had to be taken to Bellevue Hospital for treatment after his arrest.

A person close to the investigation told The Observer that this was the first they had heard about Mr. Chabbott's injuries. (UPDATE 3:04pm): That person added that the defense attorney did mention the concussion during the arraignment).

Video of the confrontation, which has become a viral hit, details the unfortunate (and once again, alleged) meeting between an über-expensive Italian sports car and a municipal employee's foot.

Mr. Chabbott had been inside the Mercer Hotel Saturday with reality TV girlfriend Stephanie Pratt when he objected to Officer Recio writing him a summons for parking in a no-standing zone, not having a registration sticker and not having an inspection sticker on his Ferrari 458, cops and prosecutors said.

Mr. Chabbott then allegedly disregarded Officer Recio's orders to stay out of the Ferrari, got in the driver's seat and moved the car over the cop's foot, cops and prosecutors claim. Officer Recio and his partner then pulled Chabbott out of the car and tossed him to the street, an altercation that may have injured the 28-year-old entrepreneur, his attorney said.

Mr. Chabbott was released on $1,000 bail Sunday after he pleaded not guilty to second-degree felony assault, which carries a seven-year jail sentence, and obstructing governmental administration.

Mr. Heller, who is also the attorney for "Gatsbaby" (and accused drunk driver) Tabber Benedict, told The Observer that Mr. Chabbott did not run over Officer Recio's foot. To have done so is "rather incredulous, considering the cost of a parking ticket could never justify the motivation to run over a policeman's foot," he added.

As for the video shot by bystander Damian Mory, Mr. Heller believes it highlights Officer Recio and partner's "extremely inappropriate course of conduct."

"This may lead to an investigation of the conduct of the police officers, and I don't think any law-abiding citizen who viewed that tape would be happy to see how New York's Finest conducted themselves," said Mr. Heller.

He would not confirm if the Ferrari was registered in Mr. Chabbott's name. Neither the NYPD nor the Manhattan District Attorney's office could confirm to whom the Ferrari was registered.

Meanwhile, Mr. Chabbott believes that Officer Recio is faking his injury and was issuing a ticket just to meet a ticket quota, according to TMZ. If true, it may be the first instance in which an illegally-parked Ferrari in SoHo was involved in last year's NYPD Bronx-ticket fixing scandal (and yes, we say so facetiously).

Mr. Chabbott was reportedly the co-founder of Line Snob, a social network app that monitored lines and provided its users wait times. The app is no longer available on iTunes. The last tweet on Line Snob's Twitter account was on June 24, 2010.

Eric Adler, another c0-founder of Line Snob, is now running Puesto Mexican Street Food, a restaurant in La Jolla, Calif. He did not respond to repeated requests for comment.

Burg Upender, the CEO of Mobomo, which helped build the Line Snob app, said he was "not interested in commenting" when reached by phone.

drosen@observer.com 

Mr. Benedict, a 35-year-old attorney who runs his own fledgling law practice, is facing charges of aggravated vehicular assault, leaving the scene of the accident, and driving while intoxicated for the 2011 Fourth of July accident in which he is accused of hitting a bicyclist while driving a 2011 GMC Acadia on the Montauk Highway.

Mr. Benedict did not immediately respond to emails requesting comment.

On July 4th of last year, Southampton lifeguard and teacher Steve Dorn was biking on the Montauk Highway near East Quogue at 8 in the morning when he was hit by a black 2011 GMC Acadia being driven by Mr. Benedict, according to local prosecutors and published reports.

Mr. Benedict then hit another car and drove for two miles before being stopped by two motorists who witnessed the accident and used their vehicles to block him, prosecutors said.

Mr. Dorn, 44, was admitted to Brookhaven Memorial Hospital in critical condition at the time of the accident. He would eventually be released from the hospital.

Mr. Benedict eventually pleaded not guilty to felony charges of aggravated vehicular assault and leaving the scene of an accident. He also pleaded not guilty to charges of DWI, a misdemeanor, and reckless driving, a traffic violation.

He was released on $75,000 bail.

Calls and an email to Robert Clifford, a spokesman for the Suffolk County District Attorney's Office, were not immediately returned.

Mr. Benedict faces the risk of losing his NY State Bar license if convicted, said Mark Heller, his attorney.

"A reasonable resolution to this case is not a felony disposition, but a misdemeanor disposition," Mr. Heller told The Observer. 

He went on to clarify Mr. Benedict's recent involvement with local charities, including co-hosting the First Annual Post-Walk Celebration to Benefit Breast Cancer Victims.

"In my 43 years of practice, I have never met a more appropriate individual I've been called on to represent than Tabber Benedict," said Mr. Heller. "He is very, very contrite about what happened, he is very remorseful, he's been been remarkably sensitive and compassionate about the individual [Mr. Dorn] who was impacted by this unfortunate occurrence."

Mr. Benedict was among the three "Gatsbabies" featured in Wednesday's New York Observer story, in which the three preening prepsters —noted for their flamboyant attire and their emerging presence in social media and the New York social scene—lured "ladies, lucre and the limelight" in Manhattan.

Mr. Benedict, along with globetrotting "retired entrepreneur" Edward Scott Brady and Pretentious Pocket founder and social gadfly Justin Ross Lee, had all come to evoke (be it intentional or not) the grandiosity and mystery of F. Scott Fitzgerald's titular character from "The Great Gatsby."

[Read Meet the Gatsbabies.]

For Mr. Benedict, who grew up the child of a single mom in Upstate New York and worked his way through a college scholarship and law school, his background seemed as self-made and sedulous as Jay Gatz himself. His foppish, bespoke attire and slicked-back hair gave him an air of a Jazz Age gentleman (while casual gawkers wrote him off as a Scott Disick lookalike). Of course, Jay Gatsby owed his fortune to a bootlegging business while concocting a biography that disguised his modest origins.

Mr. Benedict has been a staple on the charity circuit in recent months, often appearing in Patrick McMullan party pictures, smiling as his left hand remained firmly in his pocket (his left arm is gammy, the result of a car accident he was in as a child).

It is not clear if Mr.Benedict faces any prison time if convicted.

drosen@observer.com