Yesterday I got a phonecall from my sister Robyn, my Maid of Honor, who inquired:

"I know you said white, but is ivory OK? How about cream? Or how about white with a colored sash?"

Apparently, white dresses are a dime a dozen if you are lucky enough to be a bride, but as any other contributing member to a sacred union, finding a white dress is not so freakin' easy. And, of course, I've asked all of my bridesmaids as well as my mom, grandma and mother-in-law to wear white.

This morning I received the following email from my best friend Cara, another one of my bridesmaids. She's studying to be a yoga teacher half way around the world and, apparently, our "white situation" has now reached international proportions, as Cara relates below:

The scene: The mall between the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur. The shops here are so posh I really have no business even shopping there, but I looked at every white dress in every store anyway. I was (mistakenly) in Max Mara, until I looked at a price tag. I was legging it out of there when a nice saleslady blocked my path to ask if she could help me.

Cara: Um, well, I am looking for a white dress. I am in a wedding but the bride is wearing pink so the bridesmaids are wearing white.

saleslady: Oh... how about this? (points at dress with price tag I was running away from... dress is 1960s Sienna Miller type bubble thing)

Cara: Well, her dress is a 50s style, so I think that might look weird (plus it costs $800) (said under breath)

saleslady: How about a nice pastel colour?

Cara: Well, as I said, the bride is wearing pink, so I really need a white dress.

saleslady: How about peach?

Cara: Um, the bride is wearing pink. I have to wear white.

saleslady: peach would be nice.

Cara: (backing away slowly)

saleslady: (annoyed) I think you are going to have trouble finding something like that.

Cara: (running)

Add to this the situation of my mother-in-law who has reported that "white is not really a color she feels comfortable wearing" and we have a full on "white situation" of epic proportions.

Unlike Tammy, you don't have recourse to a higher power which might intervene and help subdue your deranged impulses. You do, however, have me , and though I don't claim supernatural powers, I can at least make sure you buy the right stuff.

Here are 10 items, culled from this season's offerings, which will calm your demons and enhance your wardrobe. Snap them up before some other fashion-crazed hag gets there first!

1. A MINI-KILT The most flattering manifestation of the mini trend is the mini-kilt: It's gamine, it's chic, and it's flirty without being sleazy, even on your chunky legs. And you don't need to spend a fortune: the Juicy Couture corduroy pleated and buckled mini-kilt in eight different colors (cream, vintage navy, forest green, mauve, berry red, light brown, dark brown and faded red-orange) sells for a demon-lovin' $115.

2. THE HIGH-HEELED ANKLE BOOT , to be worn with the above. The "little boot" season is shorter than you think, so don't spend a fortune. My pick: the "Elf" in tan suede from Donald J. Pliner at $225.

3. A FINE-GAUGE KNIT All right already with those unflattering, über -crafty, bulky hand knits that make you look and feel like a well-fed refugee. Exquisite, ladylike, fine-gauge knits are back! Treat yourself to an ultra-prissy $265 Barneys sleeveless cashmere number in pink, red, ivory, green or pale blue.

4. CHANEL Anything 80's Chanel is de rigueur this season, especially a classic snotty Chanel quilted "caviar" leather chain purse ($1,395 in black or beige); eBay has vintage Chanel purses starting around $300.

5. THE SOHO HOBO -bag No. 2. The bohemian trend is over! Let it go! Stop pretending you live, or would ever want to live, in Marrakesh. As a farewell gesture to the world of patchouli and hash brownies, I allow you one last Joni moment: the patchwork Soho-hobo Coach bag, $328. It's gorgeous and well-made and evokes the poignant death throes of the counterculture in the mid-1970's, when even prissy secretaries were getting in on the act. No, you are not allowed to buy the matching boots ($360).

6. THONGS , as you know if you read this column on a regular basis, are sooo 2001, and fortunately for you and your nether regions, alternatives are proliferating. Your demons will love the new demure $20 Cosabella "boyleg" briefs in nylon mesh.

7. THEVELVETBLAZER At $1,295, the Yves Saint Laurent version is a bit pricey. Tightwads and poor girls should consider the $290 Max Mara version. Very luxe, very swanky: wear with jeans or chuck on over a silk-satin cocktail frock. Talking of which….

8. THE SHORT SILK-SATIN COCKTAIL FROCK Buy it, wear it, live in it, throw Merlot on it, go to hell in a handbasket in it-above all, don't be precious about it. They come in a million colors-espresso, petrol or prune-at Valentino; pick one up for $2,900. The best bargain comes from Banana Republic, at $58 for the top and $98 for the skirt.

9. THE PRADA TWEED COAT , for men or women. I have been obsessing about this coat ever since I first clapped eyes on it last spring. The minute it hit the racks, I tore into the Prada store, threw it on and charged toward the nearest mirror. But instead of Alain Delon, all I saw was Miss Marple. So I gave it to my husband for his birthday. The moral of the story? Bold A-line tweeds are better on those of above-average height.

10. THE GARBAGE BAG Your new post-boho look requires that you discard a significant percentage of your current wardrobe. Throw out all your ugly cargo pants, old stretched-out thongs, hippie-dippy dashikis, hagged-out Juicy Couture velour tracksuits. Call Blanche at Housing Works-212-366-0820, ext. 2-for donation information.

Unleash your demons!

One East 77th Street resident found out firsthand just how serious an offense this can be when, on March 16, he was having a couch delivered to his apartment and left his building's front door open for the delivery.

While he was waiting for the furniture, a cat belonging to his neighbors-two women, one of them 34, the other 33-exited the building and fled in an unknown direction. The animal apparently was accustomed to having the run of the apartment building's hallway. While some people might think the cat's owners should bear some responsibility for the consequences of letting their pet frolic about outside the apartment, the owners themselves didn't see it that way.

"You killed our cat!" they allegedly informed the 25-year-old victim. "We will kill you!"

The death sentence was at least temporarily delayed when the fellow found the kitty and returned him to his owners. However, the young man, shaken by the event and still fearing for his safety, filed a harassment complaint with the police. He said that even after he had presented the unharmed cat to his neighbors, they continued to yell and threaten him.

Redecorating

Made Simple

There are many different ways to redecorate your living room. One of them is to purchase on the installment plan. A faster way is to follow a furniture truck, as a couple of suspects did on March 15, and then help yourself to your favorite settee when the driver abandons the vehicle to make a delivery.

That's what occurred at 11:15 a.m. when the victim, employed by the Carlyle Collection of Lodi, N.J., parked in front of 1186 Madison Avenue while making a delivery at 55 East 87th Street. When he returned to his truck, he discovered that someone had broken the latch off the rear door and absconded with a green sofa bed valued at $3,575.

The cops canvassed the area, with positive results-not in the sense that they caught the perps, but in the sense that they at least found a witness to the deed. A man who was also making a delivery in the area told the police that he'd seen two men pull up behind the truck in a red vehicle, remove a sofa from the back of the truck, place it on top of their rig with the skill and alacrity of expert movers, and flee northbound on Madison Avenue. One of the movers, the witness reported, was even dressed for the part, in a green work suit.

Special Delivery

In another crime of opportunity, an employee of Max Mara, at 813 Madison Avenue, left four boxes outside the store at 4:10 p.m. for FedEx to pick up. The boxes, whose contents (assorted clothing) was valued at $10,425, were taken promptly-unfortunately, not by the express-mail service.

Two unknown perps jumped out of a dark blue minivan, helped themselves to the parcels, jumped back in the van and fled northbound on Madison Avenue. The victim did manage to jot down the license-plate number before they departed.

Labels for Much Less

The cops had more successful results on March 15 at around 1 p.m., when a couple of members of the 19th Precinct grand-larceny squad (they go out hunting for grand larcenies in progress) chanced upon some action going down at the Gap at 1149 Third Avenue.

The police officers-Neil Hicks and Neil Ariano-observed a man and a woman enter the store. The supposed shoppers caught the attention of the two cops because they fit the description of individuals wanted for numerous grand larcenies at commercial establishments.

A short time later, Officer Hicks witnessed the man depart with a duffel bag. This was particularly significant in light of the fact that he hadn't been carrying one when he entered the store. As the suspect got into his car, a 2001 white Toyota, the cop stopped him and asked him a few questions. As he did, he happened to notice enough clothing in the back seat-all of it with the price tags still attached-to open up a small boutique.

The suspects, a 21-year-old man from Elmhurst, N.Y., and a 56-year-old woman from Ozone Park, were placed under arrest and taken to the 19th Precinct, where they were debriefed by Sergeant Benny Carbone of the grand-larceny squad.

The perps proved to be quite cooperative, supplying the police with the name and location of the place in Jackson Heights where they go to fence their stolen merchandise.

Ralph Gardner Jr. can be reached at rgard135@aol.com.