circa 1930: Hollywood film star, Dorothy Sebastian (1903 - 1957) undergoing treatment for bronchial congestion with a sun-ray lamp at MGM studios. (Photo by General Photographic Agency/Getty Images)

Diagnosis #1. MELANCHOLY

Before Daylight Savings Time ends on Nov. 6, and we wake up to a pitch-black morning in our narrow, airshaft view apartment, we’re picking up a FeelBright Light (sadlight.com). The miniature sun lamp (proven to alleviate the symptoms of Season Affective Disorder) can be attached to the underside of a hat brim for sunshine all day.

For talk therapy, we may try the Treatment Center (247 East 82nd Street) of the New York Psychoanalysis Institute. Their specialty is low-cost analysis for footloose and insurance-free single women “struggling with relationship issues and to find themselves as independent adults with a modification of their relationships to their mothers”—a demographic usually priced out of regular therapy. (Alvy Singer had to pony up for Annie Hall’s analysis, and that was ’77, when it was still chic.)

No one’s talked about St. John’s wort (supplementwarehouse.com), a.k.a. hypericum, since around the time Prozac Nation came out, but it still works roughly as well as Elizabeth Wurtzel’s panacea, according to some clinicians. (And unlike analysis, it still costs much less.) Another from the herb garden, lavender, reduced depression scores in residents of college dorms and hospice centers alike. There’s a lavender massage at Aura Wellness Spa (49 West 33rd Street) and D.I.Y. supplies at Enfleurage (321 Bleecker Street).

Exercise (though the mere suggestion makes us blue) relieves the symptoms of clinical depression so reliably some doctors are thinking of prescribing it. We’re no shrink, but we couldn’t help but notice Alec Baldwin, who confessed severe depression in his 2009 memoir, A Promise to Ourselves, is much sunnier since taking up with the beautiful young yogini Hilaria Thomas. She teaches at Yoga Vida (99 University Place), for reference.

Pharmaceutical stalwarts can catch a lecture from Dr. Ivan K. Goldberg, “the wizard of psychopharmacology,” hosted by the Mood Disorders Support Group (Bernstein Pavilion, Beth Israel Hospital, 15th Street between First and Second avenues). The organization also hosts rap sessions for unipolar depression and bipolar disorder, including a special one for 20-somethings, the most common age of onset.

Next: NARCISSISM

Diagnosis #2. NARCISSISM

First, there’s nothing wrong with us—clinically speaking. Last year Narcissistic Personality Disorder was removed from the D.S.M. because too many are afflicted. Especially here in New York, narcissists are more likely to emerge as leaders in any given field.

Consider Mayor Bloomberg, New York’s leader in terms served and net worth, and the subject of the New Yorker’s Valentine’s Day cover, in which he gazed dreamily at himself in a heart-shape mirror with a box of chocolates, “To: Me.”

“I thought it was cute, looking in the mirror,” Mayor Bloomberg said of the illustration.

Why get help if we’re so great?

“Narcissists end up being lonely,” said Wendy Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist. “They end up losing contact with their children, losing partners, and sometimes they lose their job.”

So we don’t die alone, she recommends Schema Therapy (Cognitive Therapy Center of New York, 130 West 42nd Street), in which the therapists go deep, using empathetic confrontation to “feed back the experience of being in this one-to-one relationship with them.”

That seems ripe for transference. We may try simply limiting our Facebook time. Excessive social networking can exacerbate narcissistic tendencies, according to Dr. Larry Rosen, a professor of psychology and Cal State Dominguez Hills, plus, defriending will free up more time for achievement.

For that, we recommend Self Control (visitsteve.com), the Mac OSX application that blocks Twitter and Facebook, available for free download courtesy of Steve Lambert—as long as you don’t call him a coder.

“I am an artist with a broad set of skills,” Mr. Lambert writes on his website.

If that doesn’t sublimate our libido, we’ll go join the chorus of the human microphone at a general assembly at Occupy Wall Street (Zuccotti Park, Broadway and Liberty Street). We’ll try to reach a consensus: are we narcissists or are we the 99 percent?

Next: SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

Diagnosis: #3. SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

When OkCupid ranked the country’s most promiscuous cities in August (based on the number of users in the area looking for casual hookups), we didn’t even crack the top 10. New York, maybe it’s time to talk about it.

For malformations and mechanical issues, Dr. John Mulhall (Memorial Sloan Kettering, 1275 York Avenue) specializes in—here we go—erectile dysfunction, Peyronie’s disease, premature ejaculation, anhedonia, sperm extraction, penile implants and penile reconstructive surgery. And he wrote the book the on sex after prostate cancer. For female troubles, try the Medical Center for Female Sexuality (110 East 40^th Street); Clinical director Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus wrote her dissertation on vibrators.

Speaking of which: tasteful sex shop Babeland (94 Rivington Street) regularly hosts a free G-spot clinic. The next one is Nov. 10, at 8 p.m. In case we end up with a flashback-inducing case of the sex ed sweats, we’re liable to lubricate at Apotheke (9 Doyers Street) first. It’s a quick stroll down the Bowery, and the mix of beautiful people, bartenders in white coats and overpriced cocktails with purported aphrodisiac effects will set the mood of pseudo-medical humiliation.

Sometimes emotional or intimacy issues are the root of the sexual dysfunction, according to sex health experts and one of our ex-boyfriends. If we need a clean break without having to say, “You broke my junk,” we can count on the mercenaries at iDump4U (idump4u.com) to make the call or send the email, at the indecently low price of $10. (They charge more to call off engagements and serve divorce papers.)

To regain some dignity, we may scour n + Personals (npluspersonals.tumblr.com), the personals site of n+1 magazine, for a nice new lover who, if not a sex god, has at least read The History of Sexuality.

Next: ANGER

Diagnosis #4. ANGER

The tricky thing about anger is that it’s just part of the range of human emotions until we throw a punch in the iPhone 4S line at the Apple Store and find ourselves down at 100 Centre Street with a court order to take an anger management course.

If it comes to that, we’ll have Siri schedule a session with Dr. J. Ryan Fuller (New York Behavioral Health, 230 Park Avenue); he specializes in and enjoys working with hot heads.

“A lot of clinicians don’t like treating angry people,” he said, explaining that they’re unlikely to be receptive to treatment, since they’ve often been coerced into it by a judge or a spouse (see: Chris Brown, Sean Penn, Naomi Campbell).

Dr. Fuller and his cohort use cognitive-behavioral therapy to defuse dysfunctional thoughts, complementing it with relaxation therapies like breathing techniques and progressive muscle relaxation, though we figure we may as well learn the latter on the cheap with some New Agey guided relaxation CDs (Amazon.com, $13).

Something as simple as laughter does a lot to alleviate anger, according to Dr. Fuller. None of our funny friends call us back anymore, but the New York Comedy Festival (various, nycomedyfestival.com) with Kathy Griffin, Louis C.K., Tracy Morgan and others, kicks off Nov. 9.

We may stay out of trouble altogether by avoiding the triggers of aggression. Crowding and bad smells increase the likelihood of a violent outburst, so no C train. And since the city bike-share program doesn’t start until next summer, we may pick up a commuter bicycle at Toga Bike Shop (110 West End Avenue at 64th Street) and hope we can stay out of rows with taxi drivers.

Next: INSOMNIA

Diagnosis #5. INSOMNIA

The number one rule for insomniacs is: Don’t go to bed unless you’re sleepy (or getting lucky). Which is to say, don’t bring work and its attendant agita into your R.E.M. temple.

In fact, leave the Blackberry far away. That phantom buzz we feel when it’s lodged in our back pocket is a Pavlovian testament to its grip on our mental health. Arianna Huffington, who recently gave a TED talk declaring a good night’s sleep a “feminist issue,” leaves both of hers in the bathroom at night.

“Even if it’s not going off, it’s a stimulus that represents stress,” said Dr. Fuller. Get a real alarm clock, and turn it facing away from you.

For the high-powered, Blackberry-prone types, there’s Dr. Benjamin Fialkoff’s Center for Peak Performance (Ridgewood, N.J.). His cognitive therapy involves hypnotic deep relaxation tailored to high-powered executives and others who have a big morning just about every night.

To keep the rest of the still-churning city out of the bedroom, make an appointment with Mason Wyatt at City Soundproofing (360 West 34th Street), who counts silence-lovers like the C.I.A., the F.B.I. and NASA among his clients.

Here we might suggest an oatmeal raisin cookie and a glass of milk (Insomnia Cookies, 50 West Eighth Street) for the tryptophan, but we would only be fooling the occasionally sleepless. The true insomniac knows it’s hopeless. Likewise, melatonin stops working for you and the sleeping pills make you stop working.

But at least you’re in New York. It’s safe here now, and the subways run all night. Enjoy the emptiness of washing machines (Lucky 999, 55 Second Avenue) and elliptical machines (24 Hour Fitness, 136 Crosby Street), and manicurist’s chairs (Hair Party 24 Hours, 76 Madison Avenue), with no one but the ghost of fellow tosser-and-turner W.H. Auden.

Or comfort yourself with the words of that charming auntie Margaret Thatcher, another insomniac, who once said, “Sleep is for wimps!”

Next: ANXIETY

Diagnosis #6. ANXIETY

Swarthmore psychology professor and former Times op-ed columnist Barry Schwartz might have been onto something with his The Paradox of Choice. The modern array of consumer choices has not made us freer but paralyzed us with doubt and dissatisfaction.

We can’t even choose which anti-anxiety drug we need to calm us down long enough to decide what we want for lunch. Klonopin? Xanax? Ativan? And then there are the handful of hippie alternatives, like GABA (vitaminshoppe.com), a neurotransmitter similar to that produced by barbiturates; or Inositol Hexanicotinate (vrp.com), a form of Vitamin B sometimes prescribed for Xanax withdrawal; or Kava Kava (konakavafarm.com), a Polynesian root that teenagers hoard like salvia. The F.D.A. is cagey on Kava because it can wreck your liver—though no faster than the glass of wine we need before even entering a party.

Speaking of parties, eternal wallflowers may want to take a free online diagnostic survey at the Columbia Social Anxiety Research Clinic (columbia-socialanxiety.org). If you score awkward enough, you could qualify to participate in one of their studies, which means a 50 percent chance of free drugs (Sorry, control group!) and a 100 percent chance of surveys.

Or you could try the fashionable, Buddhist-inflected school of mindfulness meditation with the Mindfulness Meditation New York Collaborative (Makom Center JCC, 76th Street and Amsterdam Avenue), promoted by Goldie Hawn and Oprah Winfrey.

Then again, perhaps anxiety is not entirely a contemporary affliction. In The Concept of Anxiety, Søren Kierkegaard argued that anxiety is as much a part of life as free will, an aspect of existence since Adam ate the apple (Sorry, Siri). In fact, the Kierkegaard Society is based right uptown at Fordham University’s Philosophy Department (441 East Fordham Road). If we get in now they may invite us to December’s conference, “Kierkegaard and the Cognitive Sciences.”

As the gloomy Dane once wrote, “Whoever has learned to be anxious in the right way has learned the ultimate.”