Of course, the first signs of any impending apocalypse comes via celebrity news.

So consider this your final warning: take heed of these four horsemen that portend the world collapsing in upon itself like a dying star (or at least one considering Celebrity Rehab) and repent. Repent!

How much for a night here? (Property Shark)

What's a better way to blow the last few thousands of your Wall Street bonus than on a prostitute?

The market is shriveling up, however. In recent months, The NYPD has made some strong sweeps in removing high profile prostitutes off the streets. Well, out of their apartments—no one actually walks the streets anymore thanks to Craiglist and Rentboy.com.

But some of their apartments are a bit iffy. The Upper East Side madam draws her men into the lair at 304 East 78th Street that the Post so eloquently describes for about $2,000 a night:

Welcome to the Hovel of Love — and help yourself to free Coors Light, instant coffee and only the finest in economy his-and-her pleasure products.

And who needs 900-count linen when synthetic paisley fabrics are so much more washable?

[...] Pay no attention to the plastic Buddha staring at you from the mantel of the working fireplace.

If that's not bad enough, imagine the long proverbial walk of shame—in your town car—all the way back down to the Financial District.

Another prostitute, Stephan Grevings, or "Dave Bruno" on Rentboy.com, was nailed in his Midtown apartment at the Sheffiled by the police back in October. He rents the apartment from an Italian couple for $3,150 a month, the Real Deal reports, though rent that is easily covered by his fees: a session costs $325 and a full night costs $1,700. But the condo building board is taking him to court to kick him out:

The Sheffield’s bylaws prohibit unit owners from using their apartments for illegal activity, and also ban “immoral, improper, offensive or unlawful use,” the suit says. The condo board claims that, in addition to violating the building’s regulations, Greving’s alleged actions put the health, safety and well-being of other residents at risk.

“Since first learning of the situation, the condominium has been enforcing all of its rights and remedies in this case,” Rob Braverman, a partner with Braverman & Associates who is representing the condo board, said in a statement to The Real Deal. “We are pursuing all available legal avenues to put an immediate end to the situation.”

The owners of the apartment—the Italian couple—have not evicted him from the apartment, however. Either something was lost in translation or who cares when the rent check doesn't bounce.

mewing@observer.com

Dominique Strauss-Kahn's honest hooker mistake (Getty Images)

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is officially in hot water again, as French officials arrested the former International Monetary Fund chief yesterday over suspicions that he used embezzled funds to pay for his wild swinger orgies.

While Mr. Strauss-Kahn was released from suspicions of rape charges after it was found that  the maid he allegedly molested had issues with her credibility (and the journalist he raped ran out her statutes of limitations), he could go down Al Capone-style. It wasn't that he participated in partner-swapping sex parties, you see, it was that some of these naked women might have been paid for the pleasure of the 62-year-old's company. Orgies? Well he's just being French! But prostitution? Merde!

Meanwhile, Mr. Strauss-Kahn's lawyer had an interesting take on the issue.

"He could easily not have known (that the women were being paid)," said lawyer Henri Leclerc in a statement made in December. "Because as you can imagine, at these kinds of parties you're not always dressed."

Huh?

"I defy you to tell the difference between a nude prostitute and a nude classy woman," he clarified.

Oh, well he has a point there. Stripped down out of their mandatory t-shirt reading "Prostituée," its impossible to tell a normal stranger willing to have sex with you from a paid lady of the night.

Wired's "How Tech Tools Transformed New York's Sex Trade," by Columbia sociologist Sudhir Venkatesh, describes how sex workers are using modern tools to protect themselves and be their own bosses.

Mr. Venkatesh studyied the sex industry in New York City by following 290 women for at least a year. He found that technology has significantly impacted the way prostitutes do business. Sex workers are making their own websites in favor of using pimps and using Facebook to find clients instead of Craigslist.

"No self-respecting cosmopolitan man looking for an evening of companionship is going to lean out his car window and call out to a woman at a traffic light," Mr. Venkatesh writes. "The Internet and the rise of mobile phones have enabled some sex workers to professionalize their trade. Today they can control their image, set their prices, and sidestep some of the pimps, madams, and other intermediaries who once took a share of the revenue."

BlackBerrys are the preferred brand among sex workers, because it symbolizes professionalism and suggests the worker is responsible and disease-free. Seventy percent of sex workers carry BlackBerrys, versus 19 percent for the iPhone and 11 percent for other smartphones. Sixty-one percent of the women interviewed for the story had used Craigslist to advertise, but 83 percent have a Facebook page. "I estimate that by the end of 2011, Facebook will be the leading on-line recruitment space," Mr. Venkatesh writes.

There are other growing technologies that could make the lives of sex workers easier, mobile payments being the obvious example.

ajeffries [at] observer.com | @adrjeffries

These may be the greatest hits of Charlie Sheen's career as a drug-abusing Hollywood punching bag, but what about the deep cuts? For instance, what was an average night with Charlie like, and what was the total damage done during these last six months? RadarOnline has the goods.

Here's Charlie Sheen's meltdown by the numbers:

• $500,000 spent on drugs and prostitutes.
• Tens of thousands of dollars a night on drugs alone.
• The 8-ball, the size of cocaine purchase he preferred.
• Cars! $17,000 on a Mustang for one girl, $8,000 on a BMW for another.
• Countless $10,000 bottles of red wine, which he would unapologetically take to the face.
• And the biggest number of all: $250 million, the amount CBS stands to lose in potential syndication deals if he leaves "Two and a Half Men."

One more essential piece of the puzzle -- Sheen prefers smoking cocaine to snorting it. What a charming personality quirk! Let's hope the CBS show does return so they can work that little bit of info into a future episode.

Click For Scandal Report: Parka-Clad Stars Sundance the Night Away

nfreeman [at] observer.com | @nfreeman1234