Morrissey (Getty Images)

When it comes to former Smiths lead singer Morrissey's attitude towards ailing people nearby, it's gruesome that someone so handsome should care.

Elder statesman of pop Morrissey is known for a certain blithe attitude towards the public--but the more he ignores them, the closer they get, with an elderly woman collapsing near him on Sunday as he visited New York's Strand Bookstore. In this case, the youngest was not the most loved, as Morrissey came to the woman's aid. Per Queerty: "Morrissey, who was there alone, immediately rushed to her side and crouched on the ground to see if she was okay. She had just lost her bearings and was fine."

The unlikely Samaritan was reportedly quite shaken by the incident, leaving the store without purchasing anything (shoplifters of the world, unite!); for his sake, we hope every day is not like Sunday.

In_____ble.

Three things in this life are, it would seem, inevitable: death, taxes, and New York's Vulture blog (which covers pop culture) misusing the term "inevitable." Yesterday, the blog asked who would star in the "inevitable News of the World movie"--you know, because media scandals are always turned around, right away, into docudramas which lend themselves easily to SEO-enriched comment threads listing red-haired Hollywood actresses.

Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines "inevitable" as "incapable of being avoided or evaded." Given the general breakdown of language--specifically online language--into a string of "infamous"es, "random"s, and "pretty much amazing"s, we can call it, well, inevitable that a word which colloquially means the end result of a grinding chain of events (and which originated in Middle English!) now means "a funny confluence of cultural phenomena that, individually, get traffic."

Ranked from most inevitable to least inevitable (from inevitable to avoidable, that is), these are the things that Vulture headlines have called "inevitable" in 2011.

--The "backlash" (a word likely deserving its own listicle) against James O'Keefe's video "sting" against NPR. [This is actually a Daily Intel article, perhaps explaining why "inevitable" is used correctly!]

--A reality TV series about the rapper Ice-T and his wife, the glamour model Coco.

--A parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" by a group of people who evidently make a lot of music video parodies.

--A movie about the News of the World scandal.

--A YouTube video of Hitler (from the movie Downfall) reacting to Lars von Trier's Nazi jokes at Cannes.

--A parody of the Harry Potter series set to Rebecca Black's "Friday," or vice versa.

--A Snoop Dogg song about Charlie Sheen.

ddaddario@observer.com :: @DPD_

New York Post - Day 5

• Picture Headline: "FROG LEGS IT!"
• Picture caption: "PERV? MOI?"
• "French big"
• "Au revoir, Rikers!"
• "Fallen financial big-shot"
• "Cavalier"
• Andrea Peyser headline: "HORNY TOAD REMAINS EAGER TO SLEAZE"

NY Daily News - Day 5

• "French Big"
• "Banking Big"
• Story Header: "LE PERV (Accompanied by French Flag)," changed from "NO MERCY FOR LE PERV"
• Headline: "$1M BAIL WITH FRENCH TWIST"
• "...can big au revoir..."
• "...will cost him beaucoup bucks..."
• "Skirt-chasing"
• "Powerbroker"

New York Post - Day 4

• Picture Headline: "Le shot de mug"
• Picture caption: "QUELLE HORREUR!"
• "International moneyman"
• "Accused Perv"
• "Jet-setting French moneyman"
• "Testosterone-charged"

New York Post - Day 2

•  Headline: "I SEDUCED - AND SHE SAID OUI, OUI" 
• "Debonair Dad"
• "Millionare Moneyman"
• "Haughty-looking Frenchman"
• "Sleazeball personal image"
• "Au revoir to his political career"
• "The powerful Pepé Le Pew-like politico" 
• "Randy"
•  Regarding the IMF: "Perverse Policies"

NY Daily News - Day 2

• Cover Headline: "NO MERCI!"
• Story Header, accompanied by the French Flag: "NO MERCI FOR LE PERV"
• Headline: "CREEPY FRENCH MONEYMAN"
• "French moneyman"
• "Prosecutors portrayed Strauss-Kahn...as a fiendish sex predator"
• "Womanizer"
• "'L'Affaire Strauss-Kahn'"
• "Mealy-mouthed"

New York Post - Day 1

• Front page headline: "FRENCH WHINE!" 
• Story headline: "WHAT GAUL!"
• First word of story: "Pompous"
• Also: "Pompous arrogance."
• "NYPD Sacre Bleu!"
• "Un Animal"
• "Sniffs" 
• "Scowls"
• "Scowling"
• "Red-faced"
• "Whining"
• "Whiny"
• "Fat cat" 
• "Haughty"
• "Hissy Fit"
• "A presse-ing affair"
• "Creepy"
• "Perv politician"
• "In a snit"

NY Daily News - Day 1

[fkamer@observer.com | On Twitter]

Court documents indicate that the following actually happened: Salvatore LaRosa and an accomplice spotted the men from Brothers Pizzeria walking out of their restaurant with a bag, followed them to their home, and held them up for everything they had. Naturally, these crooks thought, if two men leave a business establishment with a bag, it's gonna be filled with the day's pull - a decent amount of dough, perhaps.

But in a twist of fate that's been a boon for wordplay snobs and headline writers, the bag actually contained real dough. Which makes sense, because the guys own a pizza parlor. Also, let's explore the fact that the bag could have contained "cheese" and this petty crime would have the same level of quirkiness. Because "cheese" - a food item not uncommon at a pizza place - also means money, as Mitchiko Kakutani learned from Jay-Z. Slang - it's crazy sometimes!

Anyway, the thieves didn't grasp the irony of the situation and ran off with the dough, resulting in an arrest. Crime and PUN-ishment.

nfreeman at observer.com |@nfreeman1234