Pencils down! (SNL)

By now, none of you will have read Prozac Nation author Elizabeth Wurtzel's 5,500-word piece in New York magazine. Sure, some of you might have read the Jezebel summary, or the Huffington Post review, or any one of the thousands of traffic-baiting posts (including this one!) claiming that they can accurately sum up this behemoth.

That is a lie. It is impossible to summarize Wurtzel's end-of-the-year summary, since it encompasses everything: what matters in life, puppies, former employer David Boies, reality, love and a how-to guide on misunderstanding property laws.

But if you have read it and really want to prove to your friends that you have nothing to do at work, here's a handy quiz. Pencils down, everyone!

1.) Which real estate brokerage convinced Wurtzel there was only one rental apartment available in all of Manhattan?
A.) Corcoran
B.) Douglas Elliman
C.) Gandalf

2. ) What movie does Wurtzel compare herself to when dealing with the police?
A) Single White Female
B) Django Unchained
C) Prozac Nation

3. What makes life complete?
A) Kids you do or don’t want
B) Tiffany silver you never use
C) All of the above

4. Who helps Elizabeth Wurtzel figure out how to move?
A) David Boies
B) Her dog Augusta
C) Elizabeth Wurtzel

5. Elizabeth Wurtzel's feminism is most prominent when she says:
A) "I believe women who are supported by men are prostitutes, that is that, and I am heartbroken to live through a time where Wall Street money means these women are not treated with due disdain."
B) "... Hooker Maria’s rage could be explained by her age: recently 50, and out of work."
C) "I am committed to feminism."

So, how did you do? We aren't going to tell you the correct answers, because there is only one reality, but also, understand, that there is another reality where none of this ever happened.

And truly, there is only one thing to say about the whole thing, and it was already said by New York commenter Fighting Irish, four hours ago.

"This piece reads like the Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party."

And now, let's move on.

Loftopia A:

Pier 25, public parkland jutting into the river near North XXX Street, began a phased reopening last November after a renovation. [...] But for some who recall this new pier's funky predecessor, with its hamburger stand and its mini-golf course made by an artist and children out of recycled garbage, there lingers the sense that something homegrown and unique to TriBeCa has been scrubbed away. "It's lost its organic feel," said Ms. Hardinger, who has lived in the neighborhood since the 1970s. "And in its place it has swings and toys that are industrially produced."

Loftopia B:

And the waterfront has once again become a destination--not just for commerce, but also for recreation, with the expansion of XXX Bridge Park. Longtime residents have mixed reactions to the changes. "It was cool in the '80s," said Doreen Gallo, the executive director of the XXX Neighborhood Alliance, a residents' group. "It was very cool in the '90s." Now, she said, "it's different."

Answers: A is the Land of the $800 Stroller, B is the valley of the techno trolls (because they live under two bridges).

mchaban [at] observer.com | @mc_nyo

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ddaddario@observer.com :: @DPD_