They all look the same, really.

As it turns out, we're all screwed (except uptown)—the latest second-quarter data from Douglas Elliman and Miller Samuel shows there isn't much discrepancy between rents on the East Side, West Side and downtown in Manhattan. And the net rates just keep on rising.

The average monthly rents currently are as follows: $3,511 on the East Side, $3,594 on the West Side, $3,598 downtown and $1,772 uptown. And what's an extra $80 per month when you're already shelling out thousands? Unless, of course, you take the thrifty route and pick a place in Inwood, Washington Heights or Harlem.

This neighborhood data, however, does not include landlord concessions, subleases or other strange deals (you know the ones—five people in a three-bedroom, the guy who rents a mattress in the converted closet, and then disappears into the ether come winter). The average rent for a Manhattan apartment (without concessions) seems to have dropped compared to last year, but the net cost of rent is actually rising. Taking concessions into consideration, the average price of a Manhattan apartment overall rose 3.5 percent compared to the same quarter last year, to $3,455 up from $3,342.

And landlords can afford to tighten their grip on potential renters because, despite increasing demand for Manhattan apartments (new rental activity expanded 51.5 percent this year), the market saw an 11 percent drop in the number of rental listings available.

All of that means it's going to be harder to find an apartment in a decent location, and by the time you ink a deal with a landlord the net cost will be probably be higher because of a lack of concessions. Welcome to Manhattan! The economic recovery comes with a price, especially in real estate.

Although the report, released monthly, shows that rents were up by 1.82 percent overall from May to June, a closer look reveals that rents are rising in some areas and falling in others. Also, the survey doesn't include every apartment on the market—understandable, given how freaky Manhattan housing arrangements can get—but instead gives just a rough idea of pricing trends.

For example, rents are up for non-doorman studios on the Upper West Side but down for non-doorman one-bedrooms. Many neighborhoods are listed under both the "where prices decreased" and "where prices increased" categories with prices varying depending on the type of apartment, making it a little difficult to ID a trend for one neighborhood across-the-board.

The report does make this statement: "Overall, the rental market appears to finally be making the healthy gains we've been waiting for." If it means rent prices climbing to ridiculous levels as "healthy gains," the report might be spot on. Happy summer.

But here comes the Post's Steve Cuozzo to crash our party:

Manhattan's widespread, chronic store vacancies are far more numerous than in other major world cities and were so even before the financial crash two years ago. But the culture of self-congratulation in the retail-leasing industry is so entrenched, it's almost impossible to get an acknowledgement of how dysfunctional our retail climate can seem to even casual observers.

[...]

At many prominent locations, stores remain vacant for years, lending an air of defeat. Think of the Eighth Avenue side of the new Hearst tower; the former Times Square Theater on West 42nd Street, where Marc Ecko walked away from a deal after tying up the site for four years; and huge spaces in the Flatiron district that have stood dark seemingly forever.

REBNY counts 110 million square feet of Manhattan retail space. Yet -- strangely for a trade organization so statistically astute -- it doesn't cite a vacancy rate.

We'd guess that's at least 12 percent overall and far higher in certain parts of town -- astonishing in a city blessed with incalculably wealthy shoppers and probably the heaviest sidewalk traffic in the Western world.

When we talked to REBNY yesterday, VP Michael Slattery insisted that vacancies were less of a factor than one might think, and rents still show that Manhattan retailing may not be as bad as it could be.

But at the same time, Cuozzo points to the lack of similar issues in London, that perenial adversary nipping out our Yankee heels. Perhaps instead of patting ourselves on the back and pouring another round of drinks, it is time to get serious and solve this problem.

mchaban [at] observer.com | @mc_nyo

"New York has closed itself off to the young and struggling,” Ms. Smith said. “New York City has been taken away from you ... So my advice is: Find a new city." She suggests Detroit.

In a sign of just how bleak things have become, the Center for an Urban Future felt the need to hold a conference yesterday called “Time to Be Creative." Capital writer Katherine Jose has a detailed play-by-play of the conversation, which she notes was pretty much all about real estate. (Ms. Jose is a former managing editor of The Observer.)

CUF director Jonathan Bowles said, “The city is facing new threats to its longtime dominance in the creative fields,” in large part because “artists, arts organizations and creative entrepreneurs” have “found it increasingly difficult to find affordable space in the five boroughs to work, live, rehearse and perform.”

One of the more interesting questions reportedly addressed at the conference was whether, in fact, the recession, by driving down rents, may actually have helped in this regard. Of course, as plummeting rents go, we're still being handily beaten by Detroit. Real Estate Board of New York chair Mary Ann Tighe even weighed in, advocating we give artists and art organizations a tax voucher to offset the cost of their rent.

Of course, such a proposal has been bandied about since before many of these kiddies were born, and isn't going to happen any time soon.

One thing that Ms. Smith also didn't have to contend with is the relentless media exposure they have already had to artists dabbling in their craft in sprawling, yet strangely affordable lofts, a dream that anyone who lives here realizes is long dead--if it ever existed at all.

That said, let us also beware the irresistible pull of nostalgia. "I think the light in the city was more golden back then," said choreographer Tommy Tune, who arrived in 1957.

Maybe not, but to indulge that sentiment for a moment, here's a glimpse at where some of the city's budding creative types crashed before they made it.

SLIDESHOW: The Way We Lived.

We counted five specific examples in the article of buildings where landlords were offering incentives, and then there was this one line:

That's 70 buildings among hundreds. That's not that much. But that's certainly something.

Does anyone know of any specific buildings offering tenant incentives?

The good news is you can still find a market-rate apartment for less than $2,000 a month on the island of Manhattan, if you’re willing to live without a doorman in the borough's sleepier neighborhoods.

Average June rents for non-doorman studios were below $2,000 on the Upper East Side ($1,831), the Upper West Side ($1,968), Harlem ($1,287), and Midtown West ($1,984).

Overall, Harlem remained the cheapest place to rent in June, with average prices ranging from $1,287 for non-doorman studios to $2,636 for full-service, two-bedroom apartments. (That’s around $300 less than the average studio rents in Tribeca and Soho on the opposite end of the price spectrum.) But after declining steadily since February, Harlem doorman rents started to go up this month.

The Real Estate Group's report tracks neighborhoods south of Washington Heights.

On the Upper West Side, rents in doorman buildings of all sizes dropped in June. The average studio rent hit a 12-month low of $2,386 in June, compared to $2,477 last July. Average rent for a two-bedroom apartment in a full-service building dropped from $5,469 last July, to $5,255 this month.

On the Upper East Side, studio rents inched up slightly year-over-year, but otherwise rents dropped across the board from July of last year. The average rent for a doorman one-bedroom dipped from $3,670 last July to $3,579 this month and from $2,493 to $2,405 for a non-doorman building. During the same period, the average rent for a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side went from $5,396 to $5,308 in a doorman building to $3,388 to $3,204 without a doorman.

Midtown rents on both sides of the park have dropped in June. In Midtown West, doorman studios went from $2,683 in July 2007 to $2,533 this month; and doorman two-bedrooms went from $5,371 in July to $5,028.

In Midtown East, doorman studios dropped from $2,734 to $2,468 annually; doorman one-bedrooms from $3,996 to $3,698; and two bedrooms from $6,071 to $5,876.

Sadly, rents continued to climb where the cool kids live in June (with a few exceptions).

Harlem remains the only Manhattan nabe where a one-bedroom unit costs less than $2,000 per month on average, according to the report, and about the only place where a two-bedroom runs less than $3,000.

Otherwise, the island offers few bargains: Borough-wide, average studio rents ranged from $2,037 for a non-doorman building to $2,567 in a doorman building; one-bedrooms averaged $2,800 and $3,629 in each category and two-bedrooms for $3,3913 and $5,333

Click here for more on the report.

• $3,858 -- the average for non-doorman two-bedrooms south of 155th Street
• $5,265 -- the average for doorman two-bedrooms south of 155th Street
• $3,905 -- the average for non-doorman two-bedrooms in April 2007
• $5,475 -- the average for doorman two-bedrooms in April 2007

How expensive? Compare it to Philadelphia: The average one-bedroom rent in one of the city's nicer neighborhoods--Rittenhouse Square--was $1,544, according to 2006 numbers from the Center City District & Central Philadelphia Development Corp. In Harlem in February, the monthly one-bedroom rents in nondoorman buildings averaged $1,634, according to The Real Estate Group New York.