Well, now we know what happens when we plug in our hair dryer and our flat iron at the same time …. Since our calves are still aching from our unfortunate decision to live on the 30th floor , tonight we're plopping our bumsey on the grounds of Rumsey Playfield in Central Park. Champagne-haired alterna-songstress Aimee Mann , whose razor-edged songs inspired director Paul Thomas Anderson to make the movie Magnolia , takes the stage for the season's penultimate Summer Stage concert. Look for lots of balding 42-year-old guys insisting to their tired wives, "Hey, I was into Aimee Mann back when she was in that band, Til Tuesday." Meanwhile the wife is thinking, "That's just swell, buster-why don't you try having a baby?"

[Central Park SummerStage, 6:30 p.m., Central Park, 69th Street and Fifth Avenue entrance, www.summerstage.org.]

Thursday 21st

The naked chef? He's one of the top chefs in New York -maybe in the top three-but we worry that Rocco DiSpirito is squandering his amazing talent with his reality-TV show, The Restaurant . (Shouldn't a chef's only audience be his regular diners , not a bunch of couch potatoes?) The sooner he pulls out of that silly show, loses the floozy groupies (we've lost count … ) and gets back behind the grill, the better, we say! Tonight , another toque-and-TV chef, Emeril Lagasse, slings hash at the International Taste of Tennis benefit for Citymeals-on-Wheels. Celeb aces in attendance include Andre Agassi and Andy Roddick, who's been serving singer-actress Mandy Moore off the court.

[International Taste of Tennis benefit, W Hotel, 541 Lexington Avenue, 7 p.m.]

Friday 22nd

Mostly Mozart is mostly over, so stop by tonight and you can say you did something cultured this summer besides that docent from MoMA. So, while much of Manhattan's striving set is stuck in a sweltering traffic jam on the Long Island Expressway , you can woof it up instead with the rest of the audience for conductor Louis Langrée , soprano Cyndia Sieden and tenor Bruce Ford , who's performing for the first time at the festival tonight. Meanwhile, if you're suffering from the sensation of having nothing to do between now and Labor Day , you ain't alone: Perhaps because of the limpin' economy, the solar chart and a certain pre–Sept. 11 anniversary anxiety, the city is oddly bereft of jazz and pizzazz as summer winds down …. We have three words of advice: Ben and Jerry's. In fact, rather than fight the recent news that 20 percent of New Yorkers are obese , we say let's join 'em , and everyone agree to quit those gym memberships and yoga classes and ge t really, really fat for the next year …. The whole thing will have that manic, kooky, party-like atmosphere that prevailed during the blackout …. Dare to be fat!

[Lincoln Center, Avery Fisher Hall, 65th Street and Broadway, 8 p.m., 212-721-6500.]

Saturday 23rd

Now that most people who live in the East Village do so courtesy of Mummy and Daddy's bank account , the Howl! Festival doesn't quite have the thrill of danger and rebelliont hat Allen Ginsberg would have recognized …. Still, you get to catch glimpses of Steve Buscemi, Lou Reed, members of Sonic Youth and others who haven't sold out …. Tonight as part of the festivus, mantastic drag queen Lady Bunny hop- hop- hops to Tompkins Square Park to host Wigstock . "Hopefully, the blowjobs that I have offered the individual members of the Police Department will enable them to be lenient with the time," the lusty lapin told Special Eight-Day Week correspondent Jake Brooks. Ms. Bunny insisted that Liza Minelli may turn up, but our big-cheese editor says he knows otherwise ….

[Wigstock, Tompkins Square Park band shell, Seventh Street between Avenues A and B, 4:30 p.m., www.howlfestival.com.]

Sunday 24th

Wake up in a shabby-chic share in the Hamptons? Roll your flea-bitten body off that concupiscent Goldman Sachs trainee and lace up for the Steps for Breath 5K Fun Run/Walk. If you're like us, and believe "fun run" -much like "good morning" -is a contradiction in terms, make the check out to the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and hit "snooze" …. Later, Nick and Toni's restaurant celebrates its 15th-anniversary party. "They're getting ponies for the kids to ride, and cigars for the adults!" said Steve Haweeli, a publicist whose firm is handling the event. Mr. Haweeli used to be the barkeep at Nick and Toni's. "I'll be pouring drinks. Absolutely!" he said. "Margaritas with egg whites are my specialty. Egg whites give the drink a tremendous natural frost. It takes the bite out of the tequila and the sour out of the lime. You gotta shake it about 20 times. It's almost like a milk shake." Alec Baldwin will be first in line ( burp! )-along with Chevy Chase, Sarah Jessica Parker (who, if you haven't noticed, has worked overtime to make sure the world knows she's super- skinny within minutes of giving birth- three cheers for feminism … ), Steven Speilberg , Billy Joel, Calvin Klein , the Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft posse, and good-time gal Kathleen Turner. "No cocktails for her !" said Mr. Haweeli. "I'll refuse. I won't serve her. I'll turn her away. Get it? Turner away ! Ha!" Once you've had enough, trot over to the Hampton Classic Horse Show , which features over 1,500 horsies and 50,000 horsy boarding-school gals -which automatically activates an orange-level Bill Clinton alert ….

[Steps for Breath, 2 Pond Lane, the Cultural Center of Southampton, Southampton,

9 a.m., 212-639-7975; Nick and Toni's 15th Anniversary, 136 North Main Street, East Hampton, 3 to 8 p.m., 631-324-3550, by

invitation only; 28th Annual Hampton Classic Horse Show 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., show grounds, 240 Snake Hollow Road,

Bridgehampton, 631-537-3177.]

Monday 25th

The U.S. Open opens for bidness today. Pete Sampras sits this one out as Serena Williams puts her knee on ice and watches sister Venus tear up the hard court, battling the likes of Lindsay Davenport and those two Belgian chicks that just don't do it for us. Back here on greener pastures, the Bryant Park Film Festival concludes its series tonight with light summery fare: Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey . (What, they couldn't get Peckinpah's Straw Dogs ?) Come for the HBO intro song, during which it's customary for audience members to stand up and dance around like fools.

[U.S. Open, USTA National Tennis Center, Flushing, 11 a.m., 866-OPENTIX; 2001: A Space Odyssey , Bryant Park, Sixth Avenue between 40th and 42nd streets, sunset.]

Tuesday 26th

Touby or not Touby: The Sex and the City "death watch" has begun-the show's final season is dribbling to a close, with HBO having convinced an entire nation that the average New York single woman has the I.Q. of a shoe …. Mediabistro editor Albert Lee and feather-boa-toting muse Laurel Touby have rustled up Sex and the City script writer Aury Wallington to teach a seminar, "Write for TV!" (exclamation point theirs). Ms. Wallington, a plucky 28, gave us some advice. "The biggest mistake people make who want to write for, say, Will and Grace is to sit down and write an episode of Will and Grace , send it off to producers, and expect that in a month it'll be on the air and they'll be living in Hollywood," she said. "It's a common mistake. I did it- I wrote a Simpsons episode when I was in college [at Tufts] and was shocked when it didn't end up on the air. Every single one of my friends has written a Sex and the City script, and I can't read any of them for legal reasons. You can also submit a script to a TV-writing contest. Scriptapalooza comes to mind-that's a big one. Otherwise, you usually can't do anything without an agent. To get an agent, you have to send them a spec script." All clear now, kids?

[Mediabistro.com offices, 494 Broadway, third floor, 7 to 10 p.m., sign up at www.ervsp.com/reply/tvseminar.]

Wednesday 27th

Gwyneth Paltrow, who we're sure is very distressed about her ex-flame Ben's troubles with his gum-snappin' Latina firecracker, has been railing against Bonnie Fuller and blaming tabs like Us Weekly for hounding herself and other celebs with paparazzi. (Hmm, so basically what Ms. Paltrow is saying is that her job is taking over her life and she can't seem to escape the office? Welcome to real life, Gwynnie. Population: Everyone else .) Alas, if you wanna see celebs tonight, your best bet is the tube: Watch 'em get harassed on our latest addiction, E!'s Celebrities Uncensored . Thus far, our favorite uncensored moment is a tie between Andy Dick spitting at the camera and every scene involving Jack Nicholson. Hey, we warned you back in May this wasn't going to be an easy summer ….

[E!, 24, 10 p.m.]

Thursday 28th

Ladies, there are two things you can do today: one, purge your Louis Vuitton Murakami bag-frankly, it looks like Hello Kitty. (In fact, how about not all swooping down and buying "the handbag" every season, ladies, like a bunch of sheep!) Or , if you have a thing for men with nicer hair than you, you could check out Anthrax -not the microscopic organism that once prompted an Observer intern's parents to force her into early retirement rather than risk opening mail, but rather the heavy-metal band , which clangs into Irving Plaza tonight. On a side note, none of the band members actually contracted anthrax. In case you were wondering ….

[Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Place, 8 p.m., 212-307-7171.]

Friday 29th

Eat like a swell for cheap! If you're going down in flames with the economy, and that rich boyfriend/girlfriend never quite materialized over the summer, why not go out with a big burp ! New York Restaurant Week has been extended, so you and your unwashed pals can finely dine for chump change: $20.03 and $30.03 buys you lunch and dinner, respectively, at chow houses like Olives, Tao, Park Avenue Cafe, Tavern on the Green, Artisanal and other eateries. Who knows-you might even end up on TV! (See Aug. 21.)

[www.restaurantweek.com for info.]

Saturday 30th

" I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger is hung like a hamster -they said the steroids are killing him, and that it's the only thing that's small on him," The View 's Joy Behar told Special Eight-Day Week correspondent Michael Mohammed. Tonight, Ms. Behar is doing ha-ha stand-up at the ho-ho-Hamptons' Guild Hall. "You know," she said, "Ann Coulter came on The View and she was wearing a skirt that was around her mid-thighs, and I said to her, 'Well, you really are a Bush girl!' You can print that." Thanks , sister. Me- ow! Meanwhile, if it's your weekend with the kids, bring the wee ones to Times Square for the Big Apple Anime Fest -chockablock with Japanimation and 30-year-old male virgins. "You're gonna see people dressed in these weird, outlandish costumes," said Anna Wang , who's doing publicity for the festival. "There's something called 'The Big Battle,' where people dress up in these monster costumes and battle each other. Like, they just fight." Typical guy stuff.

[Joy Behar, Guild Hall, 158 Main Street, East Hampton, 8 p.m., 631-324-4050; the Big Apple Anime Fest, the Loews State Theater and the Marriott Marquis, Times Square, info at www.bigappleanimefest.com.]

Sunday 31st

Hey, layyyy-deeee! More on fat New York ! As he took medication to battle pulmonary fibrosis, Jerry Lewis became a rolypoly love-pug, and we love him that way! Tonight, you can sit your widening rump on your A.C. (which, face it, is really just a glorified fan) as Mr. Lewis hosts his 37th annual telethon to battle muscular dystrophy …. But first, take in an afternoon in the most over-air-conditioned spot on the planet, the American Museum of Natural History, where you can sample the Chocolate exhibition. The installment oozes on for a few more weeks, but this is the last weekend they're handing out free chocolate by Godiva . If New York men had a brain in their heads, they'd be here cruising chicks instead of smoking Gauloises at Cafe Lebowitz.

[Jerry Lewis M.D.A. Telethon 2003, UPN 9, 9 p.m., www.mdausa.org; American Museum of Natural History, Central Park West and 79th Street, 10 a.m. to 5:45 p.m., 212-769-5100.]

Monday 1st

It's Labor Day, and guess who doesn't have the day off? That's right- the Amazin' Mets! So if you can tolerate the "tomahawk chop" (they're playing Atlanta) , as well as that looong No. 7 train ride (anything that travels that far ought to have a damn stewardess on it), head on out to Shea . Oh, and don't be alarmed when security searches your bag at the front entrance -terrorists won't be bombing the game. The Mets'll do that on their own.

[Shea Stadium, Flushing, 1:10 p.m., 718-507-TIXX.]

Tuesday 2nd

Can't beat the sight of size-two women surreptitiously sizing each other up in the communal dressing room at Showroom Seven, can ya? Today, get markdowns on faux-bohemian overpriced labels like Jiwon Park and Imitation of Christ …. Meanwhile, gamine coeds from Columbia and N.Y.U. canter off to their first classes today, bare tummies spilling out over last summer's jeans, and then hurry back to their dorms and use their Ethernet connections to surf bluefly.com (50 to 90 percent off Prada, Gucci, Christian Dior, etc.) for that perfect "fall statement."

[Showroom Seven Sample Sale, 498 Seventh Avenue, 24th floor, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., 212-643-4810.]

Wednesday 3rd

Signs that summer is over? Dour Henry Kissinger -a politician who always wanted to be a Hollywood action star -drops in on the 92nd Street Y to lecture on "Diplomatic Crises." Still awake? It's $25 for the cheap seats, $50 to sit in the front row (where gadfly columnist Christopher Hitchens will be holding up a mirror, trying to prove that Mr. Kissinger has no reflection). Or stay home and start dreaming of Charlie Brown's Great Pumpkin.

[1395 Lexington Avenue at 92nd Street, 8 p.m., 212-415-5500.]

Jeff Salaway was a unifying presence in that fractious world. He was a guy "who could talk to everyone and anyone," said his rabbi, David Gelfand. "The person on the street was his friend, as was the person who drove up in the fanciest car."

"He was a joker, a Pied Piper and a guy full of life," said his publicist, Steve Haweeli.

Mr. Salaway had married Toni Ross, the daughter of the late Time Warner chairman Steve Ross, and he moved comfortably in that world; but he was just as much at ease with the busboys and bartenders who worked at Nick & Toni's, the restaurant that he and his wife opened in 1986.

Nick & Toni's helped define the Hamptons. It was a focal point, a destination, a refuge–and, for some of its regulars, an identity. It was the summer hangout. And summer had come to a cruel end.

So on Sept. 2, two days after Mr. Salaway's untimely death, the more than 1,000 people who converged on his memorial service at the Jewish Center of the Hamptons in East Hampton seemed dazed and stricken, not quite sure what they should be doing or where they should be going. If Mr. Salaway had been there, he would have known exactly what to do. He would have welcomed the mourners with a warm smile and a clever joke that would have reassured them no matter where they had to sit. And he would have known how to handle the guest list that determined who was allowed inside the Jewish Center and who was not–a formality that seemed to upset some people even further.

But Jeff was gone, and so they staggered under the white tent–wherever Mr. Salaway was, there always seemed to be a white tent–and into the synagogue, their swollen eyes covered with sunglasses. Some heads were bowed; some were craned in the direction of the celebrities who kept filing into the place of worship. Actors Alec Baldwin, Chevy Chase, Roy Scheider and Alan Alda could be seen in the crowd, as were singers Paul Simon and his wife, Edie Brickell, Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels, 60 Minutes producer Don Hewitt, Ronald Lauder, Candice Bergen, writers Nora Ephron and her husband, Nick Pileggi, writer Steven Gaines and filmmaker Barbara Kopple, who had interviewed Mr. Salaway for her documentary on the Hamptons just hours before the auto crash that took his life.

Rabbi Gelfand began the service by quoting a sage. "We are never hopeless in the face of death," he said. "But we do rob death of its ultimate victory by living well and fully as long as it's ours to live. So when we die and people weep for us and grieve, let it be because we have touched their lives with beauty and simplicity. And let it not be said that life was good to us; rather, that we were good to life." Mr. Salaway, Rabbi Gelfand said, "was so good to life."

Jonathan Snow, artist-in-residence at the Hayground School, likened Mr. Salaway to "a one-man klezmer band on a mission to make the world rejoice." Added Mr. Snow: "He regaled us with a kind of constant cognitive dissonance that said, 'This is the most serious and important kind of work you can do in this world'–and in the next breath, 'Hoopa-hoopa-hoopa, we were at Grossinger's.'"

Next, a few colleagues talked about Mr. Salaway. They cited his "wry grin," his "generosity of spirit" and the fact that "God didn't bless him with much of a butt," which meant that he was always hiking up his pants.

The restaurant's publicist and former bartender, Steve Haweeli, recalled the time that his balding boss walked into the restaurant with his hair cut in a combed-down Roman style, prompting five of his employees to say in unison, "Caligula!"

A few days after the ceremony, Mr. Haweeli remembered some other good times he'd had with his employer. He recounted meeting up with Mr. Salaway and some friends at the restaurant in the dead of winter, smoking cigars and playing poker. Another time, about seven years ago in August, "the crescendo week for the summer," Mr. Salaway called up Mr. Haweeli and told him poker would begin at Nick & Toni's at 7 o'clock. Mr. Haweeli figured they'd be playing in the restaurant's office, but instead Mr. Salaway and a group that included Chevy Chase were playing in the restaurant's subterranean wine room. "We're down there and Jeff's ordering pizzas, fried calamari, and you can hear from the floorboards above us that the place is just rocking," Mr. Haweeli said. "Every once in a while you'd hear some plates crash, and we're just downstairs playing poker all night with cigars, of course, nice wine, all that stuff." Added Mr. Haweeli: "Jeff liked to have fun."

Dan Rizzie, a painter who lives in Sag Harbor, told The Transom that Mr. Salaway was "the only man I've ever known who could swagger into a room on his knees." In fact, Mr. Rizzie said that it was a tradition between them that every time Mr. Rizzie walked into the restaurant, Mr. Salaway would genuflect. "I'm probably the least well-known artist that came into the restaurant," he said. "But no matter who was there, whether it was Steven Spielberg or anyone, he would drop to his knees and kiss my feet when I came in. It was horribly embarrassing for me and everyone else, but he just didn't have any problem doing things like that. He did it the night he died," Mr. Rizzie said. "Jeff didn't care. He had absolutely no problem with stuff like that. It didn't matter whether it was the guy off the corner or the most famous person in the world, Jeff was the exact same way with everyone."

Mr. Salaway was also a relentless practical joker. Mr. Haweeli remembered the time he got Mr. Chase to sing happy birthday to his pastry chef even though it wasn't her birthday. The next week, he had Alec Baldwin do the same thing. And Mr. Rizzie said that the last time his parents, who are in their 80's, went to Nick & Toni's, Mr. Salaway pulled his mother aside "to let her know that I was a drug dealer. He was sorry to have to be the one to tell her." And, Mr. Rizzie said, "He would just leave messages on your machine–just really dangerous threats and stuff. But you always realized who it was …. "

At the Jewish Center, Mark Ross, Mr. Salaway's brother-in-law, recalled a weekend his family and his sister's spent together on the beach in Delaware. "Jeff didn't know how to do anything small –food, life, anything," Mr. Ross said. "First night, we went to a boardwalk there. We had French fries from two different places, Italian sausages with onions and peppers, fried chicken, some popcorn, some ice cream. Jeff loved really good food and really good bad food." The next night, he said, the two men made smoked pork butt and called themselves "the butt kings."

Next came Mr. Salaway's two sisters, Marilyn and Liz. Liz "did a little Jeff" by donning sunglasses, hiking up her pants and putting her hands behind her neck to stretch.

"She nailed him," Mr. Haweeli said later.

And for all those who, in between the tears, were wondering what would become of their Hamptons hangout, Liz Salaway had another joke. "I want you all to know," she said. "There's a sign. That's in my brother's office. That says, 'Let my people in .'" But she also addressed the matter in a serious way. Referring to her and her brother's parents, who were Holocaust survivors, Liz told the crowd: "And for those of you who are wondering and worrying about Nick & Toni's, one thing you should know about our family is that we're survivors."

You Not Talkin' to Me?

Robert De Niro saw Mike Nichols' The Seagull in the Park on Aug. 22. Aside from the lure of anything Chekhov, Mr. De Niro was presumably there because of his friend Christopher Walken, who was playing loopy Uncle Sorin.

We're told Mr. Walken did a nice job–redeemed the whole production, even–but when it was over, Mr. De Niro didn't go to the back-stage area called the Vomitorium for the traditional post-performance glad-hand. Instead, Mr. Walken had to come into the orchestra to find his friend.

No one knows why. But there was some speculation that Mr. De Niro has not resolved his ancient creative differences with Mr. Nichols. Back in 1975, Mr. Nichols was set to direct a Neil Simon film called Bogart Slept Here . It was the story of an Off-Broadway actor who hits it big in Hollywood. Mr. De Niro, who'd just finished Taxi Driver , was set to star.

After a week, Mr. Nichols fired Mr. De Niro. Production shut down soon afterward and Mr. Nichols left the project. At the time, Mr. De Niro was said to be exhausted. Later Mr. Nichols told The New York Times , "People said I was afraid of failure. I really just felt dead mentally, jaded. I'd always loved rehearsing, but I could barely arouse my own interest."

Mr. Simon, however, was still interested. He had Richard Dreyfuss read for Mr. De Niro's part. Mr. Simon decided to change the story around to fit the new star. It became The Goodbye Girl . Herbert Ross was chosen to direct, and Mr. Dreyfuss won a best-actor Oscar for his work.

Mr. Nichols said through his assistant, Jane Levy, that he has "a good relationship" with Mr. De Niro. He also said he did in fact see Mr. De Niro after the show. Mr. De Niro's representative would not comment. A representative of the Public Theater called speculation about antipathy between Messrs. Nichols and De Niro "ridiculous."

–Ian Blecher

Barish Bopped by Bank

Keith Barish owes a Swiss bank $10,052,040.56 plus interest, according to a lawsuit filed in August.

Court papers filed in State Supreme Court in Manhattan allege that Mr. Barish, producer of The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals and a former partner in Planet Hollywood, defaulted on a loan from the New York branch of the Union Bank of Switzerland. (U.B.S. is no stranger to lawsuits itself: The Swiss bank has been named a defendant in several of the Nazi-collusion suits.)

In October of 1996, UBSNY agreed to loan Mr. Barish $35 million. The court papers don't explain why the producer was taking the loan, and neither UBSNY's attorney, Miriam Dowd, nor Mr. Barish would comment on the matter.

The court papers, which were obtained by The Transom, contend that, for a while, Mr. Barish made regular payments on the loan. But by 1998, with more than $10 million in principal still left on the loan, Mr. Barish allegedly stopped making payments.

Again, the suit sheds little light on why this might have happened. It also doesn't note that, according to published reports, Mr. Barish's company, KB Technology Partners, recently invested $10 million in Terremark Worldwide, a Florida-based computer company (A friend of Mr. Barish, said that he currently lives almost full-time in Miami).

–I.B.

The Transom Also Hears …

Peaches–the artist formerly known as Merrill Nisker–likes to make out. And she likes to make music. In that order. But don't ask her to make out to her music. After a recent show, she went home with a groupie. "He was like, 'Wow, you're Peaches, aren't you? Can we play your album while we're having sex?'" Ms. Nisker told The Transom at a friend's apartment in the East Village. But, she explained, "that just won't happen. I can't tolerate that. It's kind of creepy–like incest. I guess I'm just too familiar with it. It's not interesting to me."

She paused. "I don't know. If I wasn't Peaches, would I have sex to Peaches?" Peaches asked herself. "Me personally, I have to say, I'd rather have a few joints and laugh about the music. I guess I don't like lyrics too much when I have sex."

–I.B.