Assange. Swinton. Assange. No, Swinton. Assange?

Last week, Michael Bloomberg attended a press conference for the 100th episode of Gossip Girl. “I just don’t see how Blair could marry Prince Louis when she’s clearly in love with Chuck,” said the New York mayor, who apparently had nothing bigger on his plate to worry at that moment, such as the allegations of rape made against Greg Kelly, the son of his police Commissioner Ray Kelly, or the NYPD head’s own cameo in an anti-Muslim training video for NYPD recruits.

“I just wish that Nate and Vanessa had been able to work things out … but, again, I’m just a casual fan,” he added.

We don’t begrudge Mayor Bloomberg his guilty pleasure—after all, we spent all of Monday night watching the premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race instead of doing actual work. We’re pretty sure front-runner Sharon Needles is taking all her inspiration from Lady Gaga, who has been stealing her “signature” look from drag queens and selling the designs to Barneys. It seems only fair.

Julian Assange, who is not quite a drag queen (though if he started dressing like Tilda Swinton we might not even notice a difference), is also guilty … of loving The Simpsons! The Wikileaks founder and all-around creepy person of interest will be supplying his own voice for a Feb. 13 episode, the plot of which we’re predicting will involve Lisa picketing SOPA and Bart teaming up with the Australian after confusing the name of the international whistle-blowing organization with that of a rapper with poor bladder control. We’re impressed with Matt Groening’s ability to convince infamously reclusive celebrities to perform cameos. How does one even get through the levels of publicists, assistants and team of ninja henchmen guarding the abodes of Thomas Pynchon or Michael Jackson and pitch them on doing a Fox cartoon? We’d say Scientology was involved somehow, but Nancy Cartwright’s robo-calling fiasco from 2009 made it clear she wasn’t a high enough in their caste system to be considered an Operating Thetan … let alone a Thetan operator.

But let’s not pick on Scientology too much. After all, we are located in New York, where members are basically regulated to asking people taking stress tests in the Times Square terminal. What worries us more is another pseudo-religion. You know, the formerly fringe one based out of Utah, where a single patriarch rules over a cult that’s become alarmingly more mainstream every year despite its seemingly arbitrary set of rules and scripture. We’re talking of course, about the Sundance Film Festival, which just finished its 28^th year of indie hits and celebrity swag parties sponsored by Bing and Grey Goose vodka. We realize Sundance plays a very important function, since by February most actors are so worn out from the exhausting L.A. awards season that they need to depart en masse for a vacation on the slopes—where they will also be handing each other awards and mingling with the Kardashians.

The festival was originally created to promote independent American filmmaking but has turned into a paparazzi paradise where it’s easier to find Tracy Morgan passed out at a party than a ticket to one of the 181 screenings taking place over the course of the week. Still, some of the original anti-Hollywood sentiment remains in the proceedings: The grand jury prize went to Beasts of Southern Wild, directed by first-time filmmaker Benh Zeitlin and starring an 8-year-old unknown named Quvenzhane Wallis as an impoverished African-American girl scraping by in Louisiana with her father. Expect the remake to star Willow Smith, or even worse, one of the Fanning sisters.

(Un?)fortunately, the end of Sundance is just a placeholder in the middle of a season marked by Hollywood award ceremonies, Fashion Week and Jay-Z’s first concert at Carnegie Hall. We’d ask our assistants to help us with all the RSVPs, but they’ve already taken the time off to start gearing up for South by Southwest. Or maybe we’ll just stay home and watch Gossip Girl.

Tracy Morgan at the ceremony after which he was hospitalized (Getty Images)

Shocking reports out of the Sundance Film Festival indicate that the movies have been overshadowed by celebrity behavior--in this year's edition, by the collapse of 30 Rock comic Tracy Morgan. The Hollywood Reporter, er, reports that Mr. Morgan collapsed after an awards ceremony honoring him (and other megastars like Kate Bosworth and AnnaLynne McCord).

He was escorted to a nearby hospital; he reportedly "seemed out of control" at the ceremony but hospital spokesmen said that no drugs or alcohol were in his system. While Mr. Morgan has a history of substance abuse and health problems (including a recent kidney transplant), "seeming out of control" is also his modus operandi. We just wonder if Tina Fey has grown weary of planning episodes responding to Mr. Morgan's real-life issues.

The humble amateur violinist. (via nytimes.com)

Joe Zee and his violin were featured in "Posessed," the Times Sunday Styles feature that gives free, tightly controlled publicity to bold face names with projects to promote (see Rose McGowan, Conan the Barbarian),  and Stephen Adly Guirgis, The Motherfucker With The Hat) under the pretense of writing about their favorite objets.

Joe Zee, whose Sundance reality show "All on the Line" starts up again in November, would like to tell us about his violin because it's a symbol of how he's good at... everything.

“I was good at everything,” said Mr. Zee. “I was like Tracy Flick, sitting in the front row and raising my hand for everything. English, math -- anything with a textbook. I was good at consuming knowledge. And I was great at home ec!” 

He taught himself how to be good at violin. “Because of the piano, I could read music. And I’m a really good mimic, so I could watch TV footage of great concert violinists, watch how they sat, how they held the bow, and tried to just mimic that, over and over. One day it all fell into place, and I just kept doing it until I got it perfect.”

It turned out Joe Zee was good at other instruments too: "After conquering the violin, Mr. Zee taught himself the viola, then the cello, then the bass. 'It was fascinating to be able to do every part of a quartet,' he said."

Joe Zee was not good at one thing: “I wasn’t so good at phys ed."

But according to his column in this month's Elle, it won't be long before he's good at that too.

"I am obsessed with dance. Hip-hop, ballet, ballroom--I don't discriminate. I watch it, I support it, and  in the past few years, have attended classes regularly in an attempt to master it."

His self-professed work ethic is impressive, but we suspect what matters now is how good Mr. Zee gets at promoting Elle on "All on the Line." And with former Elle fashion director Nina Garcia now representing rival magazine Marie Claire on "Project Runway," it's no bunny hop!

Kickstarter is primarily a way to raise money, but the platform has become a way to build an engaged audience even before creating a product or piece of art. The Sundance Institute, the global nonprofit organization founded by Robert Redford, is launching a program in partnership with Kickstarter and Facebook to teach filmmakers how to engage their audiences online.

Facebook employees taught Sundance alums how to change their settings and buy ads during a workshop at the Festival; Kickstarter cofounder Yancey Strickler also led workshops at the Festival.

Kickstarter will provide branding, educational, and promotional support to alumni of Sundance Institute's artistic development program, according to a press release. Beginning this spring, the Institute will curate alumni projects at Kickstarter and encourage its alumni and supporters to contribute.

Watch the trailer for The Woods below.

ajeffries [at] observer.com | @adrjeffries

The Woods Teaser Two from Team G on Vimeo.

Users can take a picture with one of these bears and gain access to some VIP-only events, according to a press release.

GoldRun makes "augmented reality apps" -- a generic term that usually refers to superimposing media over objects in the real world. GoldRun also recently released that app that lets users take a picture with superhottie Brooklyn Decker.

In GoldRun's apps, this amounts to a primitive version of Photoshop on the go. Take a picture of your kid, then pretend he's holding a giant pretzel!

At Sundance, users will be posing with the polar bear from the logo of bootmaker Sorel, which partnered with GoldRun for the promotion.

"From January 20th-25th, play the 'Run with the Sorel Bears' run by tracking down and snapping pics of Sorel bears hiding out all around Park City. Email your photos to sundance@goldrungo.com for a chance to win access to private Sorel-hosted events and cool Sorel gear. Each emailed pic is another chance to win. And don't forget to post your pics to the Sorel Facebook page," GoldRun says on its blog.

This app comes straight from the GoldRun formula. The company has done these slightly-augmented reality social media promotions For H&M, The Today Show and isleptthroughwhat.tumblr.com, created by a blogger who imposes photos of his sleeping friend "Kevin" on images of scenes that would be difficult to sleep through.

Social media marketing is kinda lame, though. How about an app that turns everything into an Andrew W.K. party?

ajeffries [at] observer.com | @adrjeffries

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