Bale in The Dark Knight Rises.

“Get with the program!” scolds another letter from a brainwashed fan of the Batman-as-seen-through-the-pretentiousness-of-the-Christopher-Nolan trilogy, “You are a dinosaur!” He’s probably right, and I probably would—if I could only make one lick of sense out of what this nonsense is all about. Silly pop-culture comic book cinema about grown men in rubber masks and Styrofoam jock straps is bad enough, but incomprehensible gibberish to boot is just plain unacceptable. Halfheartedly, I give The Dark Knight Rises—the third and final Batflick in the Nolan trilogy—one star for eardrum-busting sound effects and glaucoma-inducing computerized images in blinding Imax, but talk about stretching things. That’s all most immature audiences require for their hard-earned money these days. The rest of it should not be reviewed by anyone over the age of 12.

As caped crusaders go, I prefer Superman, Spider Man and, above all, Captain Marvel, who has been criminally ignored by the movies so far. (Can’t you just see Michael Fassbender staring into the camera hissing “Shazam!”?) And as Batman goes, I had a lot more fun when he was fighting off Catwoman and The Joker at the Saturday afternoon double features of my youth in his campy bat cave with his jailbait roommate Robin. Drat! Christopher Nolan sent Bruce Wayne to a shrink and Batman lost his mojo. I like one caption writer’s description of the Batman epics as “car porn for geeks and gearheads.” But that doesn’t make The Dark Knight Rises any better. Trash is trash, but when it costs an estimated $250 million (bat food compared to The Amazing Spider-Man’s $137 million), the charges turn criminal and someone should subject the garbage man to a citizen’s arrest.

Like all previous flicks directed by Christopher Nolan and written by his brother Jonathan, this one defies logic and reeks of repulsive, bloated self-importance (not to be confused with anything resembling narrative) and the arrogant conviction that no matter how slick, obtuse, confounding or incompetent it gets, the fanboys will slobber approval. Only a fool would tackle a synopsis, but briefly: We open eight years after Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) vanished in disgrace, recovering from wounds inflicted by The Joker (Heath Ledger) and taking the fall for the death of phony hero and secretly corrupt D.A. Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckart). Haunted by the pain and tragedy of past losses and living in seclusion under Gotham City, the 73-year-old superhero—having first risen under the tutelage of Bob Kane in 1939—is lured back into the daylight by neo-noir villains like sexy cat burglar Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway) and a monstrous drug-fueled terrorist with a mumblecore voice named Bane (British muscle McGurk Tom Hardy), who commands an army of killers living in the sewers with a face covered by a gas mask (he speaks through a wind tunnel); old friends like police commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman), corporate officer Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) and Bruce’s longtime butler Alfred (Michael Caine); and new allies like idealistic cop John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and the cunning, enigmatic billionaire socialite philanthropist Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard), who joins the board of Bruce Wayne Enterprises to save the empire from going under and turns out to be too good to be true. The coherence ends there. Sick and bent over—his X-rays have him looking like matchsticks—Batman comes out of retirement to the musical accompaniment of Ravel’s “Pavane pour une infante défunte,” digs the Batmobile out of mothballs and hobbles off to bring the world back into balance, starting with the Stock Exchange. The rest of the movie, which runs just under three hours, is an interminable barrage of exploding football fields, flying cars, computer-generated images of crumbling skyscrapers and bridges and raging mobs fleeing the nuclear destruction of Gotham City. When all else fails, Bane threatens to destroy the human race in 23 days with one brash act, and Bruce ends up flat on his back, in more ways than one.

Christian Bale mumbles and whispers through an echo chamber, changing his appearance and his voice for reasons known only to Mr. Nolan. Michael Caine chews holes through his dialogue with a peat-bog Cockney accent so thick you can’t understand what he’s talking about anyway. You can hoke it all up with crushing violence, but that doesn’t make it pleasurable. Amid an endlessly contrived pile of red herrings, Marian Cotillard’s character seems like something they went back and invented in post-production, while Anne Hathaway, who turns out to be Batwoman in mufti, comes off as a cold, karate-chopping zombie with cleavage. There are so many plot twists I stopped counting. The Nolan brothers seem to be making it up as they go along. Not one character is developed beyond a flat, one-dimensional cardboard paper-doll construct without heart and soul, not to mention flesh and blood. Not one of these distractions invades the plot for any purpose except to extend the running time. Speaking lines they cannot possibly understand, not one actor makes any attempt to be believable. So manufactured and synthetic that they eventually lose all sense of reality, they’re like reconstituted orange juice and processed cheese. If The Dark Knight Rises is finally the funeral of Batman forever (promises, promises!), trendy technology once again triumphs over artistry, professionalism, taste and good clean fun.

Turning a mosh pit of mystical comic book gimmicks into a money pit of metaphysical mumbo jumbo, Christopher Nolan gives new meaning to both DUI and DWI—“Directing Under the Influence” and “Directing While Intoxicated”—while raking in millions. I’ll have what he’s having.

rreed@observer.com

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Running Time 164 minutes

Written by Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer (story)

Directed by Christopher Nolan

Starring Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman

1/4

Today, in seemingly direct contrast to that logic, comes news that noted hack Eli Roth wants to make a Cloverfield-like disaster movie for the cost of $80 million dollars. And, as if that weren’t enough, Warner Brothers and director Martin Campbell (Casino Royale) are going ahead with a $150 million dollar adaptation of The Green Lantern, despite the fact that they don’t even have a male lead locked down yet. So let’s see if we have this straight: spending some money on bankable movie stars, bad; spending infinitely more money on crappy ideas, good.

It’s not that we think stars are underpaid—quite the opposite! A quick look at the biggest box office hits of the year finds names like Kevin James, Liam Neeson and Paul Walker in starring roles, something that proves the studios’ main point. But, at the same time, does anyone think giving Mr. Roth $80 million (to be fair, no studio has yet to back his ridiculous pitch) or spending $150 million on The Green Lantern is the path to good business? And this is all coming just a month after Warner Brothers willingly gave Zack Snyder another $100 million to flush down the drain. (Clearly they’re still counting all the money The Dark Knight made.)

We get that everyone want the next big thing—the next Dark Knight as it were—but it just seems totally egregious to throw good money after bad. You can’t preach poverty on the one hand and then spend millions of dollars like a drunken CEO. Plus, by the time The Green Lantern hits theaters in 2010, the model for what makes a hit movie could be totally different. Trends come and go, but the one thing that never goes out of style for an audience is their love of movie stars. And even if we no longer like some of the old models—Harrison Ford, we’re looking at you—there will always be new ones just around the corner—Zak Efron, perhaps. Stars are Hollywood’s renewable resource, and, no matter what, spending money on them is still less risky than an expensive flop. Just ask Watchmen.

Art Direction: Changeling, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Dark Knight, The Duchess, Revolutionary Road

With no Slumdog Millionaire to steal its thunder, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button will happily win this award. And we guess it deserves to: Those teacups that Brad Pitt and Tilda Swinton drank out of were pretty awesome, right?

Cinematography: Changeling, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Dark Knight, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

For some unknown reason, everyone loves the work that Anthony Dod Mantle did on Slumdog Millionaire. Apparently when you steal equal parts of City of God and Man on Fire, you become a genius. Who knew? He'll win, but we still want a recount to find out why Harris Savides missed out on a nomination for Milk.

Costume Design: Austrailia, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Duchess, Milk, Revolutionary Road

We're tempted to select Benjamin Button here based on Cate Blanchett's red dress alone, but if we know Hollywood, they love an honest to goodness period piece. The giant dresses and constricting corsets of The Duchess are tailor made for this award (nyuck, nyuck).

Film Editing: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Dark Knight, Frost/Nixon, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire

The Dark Knight is too long, and to say the fight scenes are somewhat difficult to follow would be kind. But! The action set piece that climaxes with an 18-wheeler flipping over is literally the film sequence of the year. On that alone, we think The Dark Knight takes this trophy home. Well, that and the fact that we didn't like Slumdog Millionaire.

Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Dark Knight, Hellboy II: The Golden Army

We loved Heath Ledger's Joker makeup and all, but in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, they made Cate Blanchett look scary old. Ladies and gentlemen, your winner!

Score: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Defiance, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E

We've been all over Alexandre Desplat's score from Benjamin Button for months. It manages to be both beautiful and timeless. Seriously, you'll be hearing this music in mawkish movie trailers for the next ten years.

Visual Effects: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Dark Knight, Iron Man

In Iron Man they made Robert Downey Jr. fly. Cool enough. But in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, David Fincher and his special effects wizards took Brad Pitt's face and digitally grafted it onto another body. Old man babies always top flying robot suits.

If that one sentence about Inception makes you scratch your head, you are not alone. Call us skeptical (and certainly overly reactionary) but those kinds of sci-fi movies never seem to work. They either feel cold and clinical (Steven Soderbergh's remake of Solaris), schlocky and ridiculous (Paul S.W. Anderson's Event Horizon) or overly esoteric and impenetrable (Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain). And despite our intense love for The Dark Knight, Mr. Nolan has not yet proved to us that he's an automatic director; the type of filmmaker where the mere mention of his name can make us breathless with anticipation. Obviously the Batman films are fantastic, though that kind of goes without saying. But Memento does not hold up like you would think/hope, and it's best if we don't even get started on the twin failures of The Prestige and Insomnia. So, our respect for Mr. Nolan aside, it will be with great trepidation that we approach Inception when it hits theaters sometime in summer of 2010.

But! More important than all that is what happens with the sequel to The Dark Knight! Well, Mr. Nolan hasn't actually agreed to do it just yet. And though it is assumed that he'll eventually sign on to direct (hint: ka-ching!), up to now he has been very non-committal. Maybe Mr. Nolan is waiting because he realizes he can never replicate the success of The Dark Knight. Anything he does that relates to Batman will be scrutinized and dismissed because of the previous film. ("It wasn't as good as the last one!") If he goes that route and decides to pass on doing another one, we'd certainly respect his choice. However it's clear that with or without Mr. Nolan, Warner Brothers is going to make a sequel to The Dark Knight--grossing one billion dollars worldwide will do that to a studio. And as fans, the proposition of a Christopher Nolan-less Batman film is a little scary. You know what? Screw artistic integrity and careful career management, Mr. Nolan! Let's get this Dark Knight sequel moving.

It's nice to know that even in a crappy year for movies, the Academy Awards can still manage to screw up their nominations. You have to respect that kind of commitment. It is now 24 hours later and we have yet to finish stewing over The Dark Knight's snub in favor of The Reader. How bad of a misfire was it? Well, on Movie City News' compilation of 286 critics top-10 lists, The Dark Knight ranks number two overall. The Reader? It's all the way down at 32. Ugh! And don't even get us started on the criminally misunderstood Revolutionary Road, which bottomed out at three nominations (though hooray for Michael Shannon!). We can only assume its lack of Academy recognition was the result of its DVD screeners getting lost in the mail. Revolutionary Road is one of four Oscar nominated films to expand nationwide this weekend, along with Frost/Nixon, The Wrestler and the overdue launch of Slumdog Millionaire. It's a good thing all these Oscar movies are hitting multiple screens, because the stuff actually premiering makes Paul Blart: Mall Cop look like a Jean-Luc Godard film. Here's a handy guide to the new releases.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

What's the story: We're not entirely sure what a "lycan" is, but based on the trailer it probably has something to do with werewolves. The third film in the Underworld series finds Kate Beckinsale replaced by doppelgänger Rhona Mitra—a fact that we're pretty sure 67 percent of the audience won't even notice. We can't say we're very excited at the prospect of Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (it is from the same director who did K-PAX after all), but the casting is irresistibly hilarious. The normally dapper Michael Sheen stars as a shaggy-looking werewolf, while the forever-fantastic Bill Nighy plays a villainous vampire. If you needed proof that even British thespians take paycheck roles now and then, look no further.

Who should see it: Edward and Jacob from Twilight.

Inkheart

What's the story: A young girl discovers her father possesses a magical talent that allows him to bring characters from books to life, simply by reading aloud. Inkheart is actually based on the popular children's book and not a remake of Adam Sandler's Bedtime Stories, though you'd be forgiven if you thought it was. Brendan Fraser stars as the father and will most likely make you yearn for the simpler times of Encino Man. As our esteemed colleague brilliantly writes, Mr. Fraser emotes "with the intensity of a popsicle stick."

Who should see it: Pauly Shore and Sean Astin.

We know already that someone won't be Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button or Milk. All three films have been locked into a Best Picture nomination for quite some time. Conventional wisdom seems to be that The Dark Knight will be the odd film out, but we think it's just as much of a lock as the other three. In addition to being the highest grossing film of the year--don't pretend that doesn't matter--The Dark Knight has done extremely well during the awards season. Its snub at the Golden Globes notwithstanding, Christopher Nolan's epic was the runner-up for the Los Angeles Film Critics (behind Wall-E), a National Board of Review nominee, a Critics Choice nominee and in a compilation of over 220 critics top ten lists, it ranks number two overall... behind Wall-E, again. If, as expected, Mr. Nolan gets a Directors Guild of America nomination on Thursday, it will only further cement the film's bonafides for a Best Picture selection.

Unfortunately the same thing can't be said about Frost/Nixon. Despite racking up nominations all over the place, no one seems to really love this movie, do they? Even if the ever likeable Ron Howard draws a nomination from the Directors Guild (likely to happen), we don't think it'll be enough to save Tricky Dick's Best Picture aspirations. Frost/Nixon feels incredibly vulnerable.

So what will replace it in the fifth and final slot? Wall-E would have been the clear choice, but since the PGA left it off their list and director Andrew Stanton was disqualified from being nominated by the Directors Guild because the film is animated, the outlook is bleak. You can also go ahead and toe-tag Revolutionary Road, The Reader, The Wrestler and Rachel Getting Married. That leaves just two contenders: Doubt and Gran Torino. The story goes that actors make up the largest voting block in the Academy and they love bestowing praise onto actor-heavy films. Doubt, well on its way to scoring four acting nominations, certainly fits that bill. But we'll go out on a limb and say that Gran Torino is the final pick based on a groundswell of support for Clint Eastwood from the entire voting constituency. When you get right down to it, the Oscars are just a big popularity contest and everyone loves Clint... even when he's playing a racist with a heart of gold.

We've already gushed about our love for Alexandre Desplat's amazing score for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. To us, that sounds like the leader in the clubhouse: a deft mix of mawkish emotionality and simple beauty. But old Academy war horses like Thomas Newman and Hans Zimmer are definitely set to give Mr. Desplat a run for his money. Mr. Newman (an eight-time nominee, most recently for The Good German) has two pieces in contention this year--the jaunty and exciting score for Wall-E (better than the movie) and the slowly building trouble-laden music from Revolutionary Road. This is the first time we've gotten to hear a sampling of his work for Sam Mendes' latest, and on first listen we're a little disappointed. It sounds so similar to his American Beauty score that we half expected to see a plastic bag drift through our apartment as we listened.

As for Mr. Zimmer, 2008 was a bellwether year for the seven-time nominee. In Frost/Nixon he employs a ticking clock (literally) and manic strings to give the movie a panicked drive. In another year, it might be our top choice. But, of course, it is Mr. Zimmer's co-writing work on The Dark Knight (with fellow lauded composer James Newton Howard) that has our hearts soaring. The definition of "epic urgency", it happens to be the one score selection here that will likely rouse your soul. Free from the ridiculous Academy Awards rules controversy that almost sabotaged its very possible nomination, if The Dark Knight doesn't win this award, we'll be shocked. We deserve a better class of musical score; Messrs. Zimmer and Howard have given it to us.

The Visitor: We’ve had the weirdest crush on character actor Richard Jenkins for ages, and it was pure pleasure seeing him take on a leading role at last. In The Visitor, written and directed by Thomas McCarthy (The Station Agent), Mr. Jenkins plays Walter, a quietly repressed professor who arrives at his New York pied-à-terre only to discover that a Syrian musician and a Senegalese street vendor have taken up residence. Instead of kicking them out, he befriends them. In fact, The Visitor is full of nice surprises, including a determined avoidance of pieties and lots of sneak-up-on-you emotion.

Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired: We started off 2008 at the Sundance Film Festival (a.k.a. Bananastown) and caught this fascinating documentary at 8:30 a.m. after trudging through heavy snow (and we still loved it!). Directed by Marina Zenovich, the film concentrates on Mr. Polanski’s totally batshit-insane trial for unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, his subsequent exile to Europe and the paparazzi circus that kept up every step of the way. There’s a ton of archival footage of the charismatic and enigmatic Mr. Polanski, plus tons of interviews with all the key players, including Mr. Polanski’s lawyer, the prosecutor and the young lady in question (now grown up with children).

The Dark Knight: Sure, this film got swirled up in a ton of hype even as it fell in the long shadow of Heath Ledger’s tragically early demise … and no, we don’t know what the deal is with Christian Bale’s lispy growl. But, leaving all that aside, this movie simply kicked ass. Dark, moody, twisting, turning, soaring, it was the most exciting moviegoing experience to be had in 2008. Yes, Heath Ledger made quite the terrifyingly awesome Joker, but not to be overlooked are Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine and—our personal favorite—Gary Oldman, taking subtle acting to new heights.

Revolutionary Road: When we first heard there was going to be a film adaptation of this, one of our very favorite books, written by the great Richard Yates in 1961, we were a little worried. Turned out there was no need. Sam Mendes, working from a faithfully adapted script by Justin Haythe, manages to capture all the angst, loneliness and longing from the original. Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio turn in astonishing performances, and as bleak as the story of a marriage falling apart may be, Revolutionary Road is simply exhilarating.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona: Hands down, this is our favorite of Woody Allen’s latest works. Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Allen muse Scarlet Johansson) are two American la-de-da friends of very different temperaments on holiday in Spain when they both fall for the same hot Spanish painter (Javier Bardem). Spain has never looked more sunny and appealing, and all these women (which include Patricia Clarkson, yay!) have never looked more attractive. Just brace yourself for when Penélope Cruz shows up and blows everyone way.

Burn After Reading: No matter what the other critics say, we’ll stand by this Coen brothers film. Sure, it’s a little on the zany side, but hey, we like that! This cast—which includes a hilarious Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton and John Malkovich—looks like they had the time of their life filming this one, a caper involving a missing C.I.A. file.

Rachel Getting Married: When we first got to know Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries, we had no idea she’d one day turn in such a sniping-to-perfection performance like this one. Ms. Hathaway plays Kym, a young woman on leave from rehab, returning to the family fold for the wedding of her older sister (Rosemarie DeWitt). Directed by Jonathan Demme from a script written by Jenny Lumet (daughter of Sidney!), this small film takes a very close look at the madness that happens whenever any kind of family gets together.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Strangely enough, this film made us even more depressed than Revolutionary Road. Brad Pitt stars as Benjamin Button, a man who ages backward. It’s a beautifully lit, gorgeously shot movie (based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald story), and director David Fincher keeps a slow and an almost-old-fashioned-like steady pace. Supporting players Cate Blanchett, Taraji P. Henson and Jason Flemyng are all very fine, and perhaps after this one, we can all forget about “Brangelina” for a while and remember that Brad Pitt is, in fact, a good actor.

Milk: Just when you think Sean Penn can’t surprise you with his “acting” anymore, a movie like Milk comes along and does just that. Mr. Penn disappears completely into his role of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to public office, who was later assassinated. James Franco, Emile Hirsch and Josh Brolin all turn in memorable performances, and director Gus Van Sant departs from the dreaminess of his past few films to tell this real-life and poignant story effectively straightforwardly.

Slumdog Millionaire: This year’s little-best-picture-that-could doesn’t have a big marquee name in it, but audiences have rightly flipped for it. Using the structure of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, director Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 28 Days Later) teaches us all about the tragic childhood of our hero, Jamal Malik (Dev Patel), a “slumdog” from the streets of Mumbai. Watch for the always-great Irfan Khan as the interrogator who doesn’t believe this orphan kid could win a trivia show, and the ridiculously fun song-and-dance final number.

Honorable Mention: Definitely, Maybe: We can’t lie, we love ourselves a good romantic comedy. But the trouble with this genre is that, when not handled properly, things can get pretty ugly (cough, Made of Honor). Definitely, Maybe, written and directed by Adam Brooks, was our very favorite rom-com of the year. Not only are the performances from Ryan Reynolds (who knew?), Isla Fisher, Elizabeth Banks, Rachel Weisz, and Kevin Kline good, it absolutely nails the je ne sais quoi of living in New York in the mid-’90s. Cue the nostalgia!

svilkomerson@observer.com

Yesterday the Los Angeles Film Critics Association bestowed their top honor on Andrew Stanton's Pixar smash, the first time in the 33-year history of the awards that an animated feature received the top slot. (The Dark Knight finished runner-up.) Meanwhile, the critics who have released their year-end lists are doing back flips over the tiny robot: David Edelstein of New York placed Wall-E number two on his list; Anthony Lane at The New Yorker writes that Wall-E is "the only American release of the year that filled its imaginative brief ... All hail Wall-E"; and Time's Richard Corliss calls it the best film of the year. With more recognition surely on tap at the Golden Globes announcements tomorrow, is Wall-E building towards a Best Picture nomination? We sure hope not!

We know this year was notoriously underwhelming, movie-wise, but if critics are proclaiming Wall-E as the movie of 2008, then 2008 was way worse than we thought. We'll give them that the first hour of Wall-E is an unparalleled success--a deft mix of post-apocalyptic scare tactic science fiction, Stanley Kubrick, E.T. and Buster Keaton. If the movie ended after that point, it quite possibly could have been the best movie of the year. Unfortunately, it doesn't. There is the second hour, which was, for lack of a better term, a kids movie... and not even a particularly good kids movie! Did we cry? Duh. Obviously. However we always cry. (We've cried during episodes of Grey's Anatomy this season and we hate that show.) But being touched should not be the sole arbiter to decide a film's worth. We're sorry, but when Jeff Garlin dominates a large chunk of your movie, hamming his way through line readings as if he was doing ADR on Daddy Day Care, it doesn't deserve an Oscar nomination. So for all you Wall-E backers out there, be happy with the guaranteed Best Animated Feature award (also known as "The Pixar Award"), and leave the summer blockbuster Best Picture nomination to a more complete film... y'know, like The Dark Knight.

Not surprisingly, Mr. Nolan gives what he astutely calls a "suitably slippery answer" when talking about another sequel:

Hmm. Tough question. We're not sure we can think of one. Maybe The Bourne Ultimatum? But even that was just a retread of the previous two films. Still, despite his concerns, it wouldn't surprise us in the least if Mr. Nolan signs on to a third Batman. The reason: a load of money.

But, the bigger problem for the next Batman isn't whether or not Mr. Nolan comes back; it's what to do with the Joker. Though no one seems to want to say it, Heath Ledger's death puts a major knot in the storytelling. Mr. Nolan left the Joker alive at the end of The Dark Knight because he obviously wanted the option of bringing Mr. Ledger back again. Now what? Do you hastily kill the Joker off-screen between movies? Stick him in Arkham Asylum and pretend he can't get out? Have someone do a Heath Ledger impression over the phone while the Joker tells Batman he moved to Metropolis? None of it flies. And after the impact the Joker had on the scope of The Dark Knight as a narrative driver, we can't imagine just plum not mentioning him in a third film. It would be ridiculous.

If Mr. Nolan can figure out a way to effectively navigate these waters, more power to him. But we don't have faith. Lest we forget, this is also the guy responsible for The Prestige.