Reynolds proves it's not easy being green.

As summer garbage goes, The Green Lantern can’t go fast enough. Even in the brainless world of cinematic comic books gone bad, it’s as bad as it gets—a dumb, pointless, ugly, moronic and incomprehensible jumble of botched effects, technical blunders, and cluttered chaos. Oh yes. It is also—did I forget to mention?—boring.

I retain a certain fondness for Superman, Batman, Spider Man, and my favorite DC Comics superhero, Captain Marvel, who has mysteriously never been transposed to the screen. But of them all, the never-fail cure for insomnia, even for 10-year-olds who still buy Cracker Jack boxes searching for secret decoder rings, is the Green Lantern, deadlier and dopier than even the Green Hornet. Even to a hyperthyroidal, prepubescent geek, any attempt to relate something as simple as the premise for a plot must be downright defeating. Billions of years ago, a power race divided the universe into 3,000 sectors ruled by intergalactic peace keepers known as the Green Lantern Corps, who live on the planet Oa. The worst threat to the world was imprisoned on the Planet Ryut. This fiend is the Parallax, sort of an intergalactic Osama bin Laden who looks like a praying mantis with rabies. Parallax is now loose and declaring war on the planets, one sector at a time. Wouldn’t you know, this unspeakable enemy of mankind is headed for Earth, where the only person he can’t beat is supersonic F-35 Sabre jet pilot and gym-pumped Esquire cover boy Ryan Reynolds. It gets worse.

The dying Green Lantern warrior who comes to warn us hands over his green Buck Rogers ring to a goof-off with Coke bottle abs named Hal who points the ring at a target and—shazam!—there goes Afghanistan. Hal has competition (Peter Sarsgaard, trashing his career as a creepy wacko scientist, and Angela Bassett, whose specialty is examining purple aliens). He also has a sexy girlfriend (Blake Lively), the daughter of the demented aviation corporation owner (Tim Robbins) Hal works for. The Lanterns seek peace, order and justice. To join them is a big responsibility.  Mr. Reynolds, as Hal, scarcely has the time to pull himself away from his bench presses long enough to bother. The dialogue consists mostly of lectures about brain-eating bacteria, and the locations are identified as stuff like “The Edge of the Milky Way Galaxy.” It took four writers who shall remain nameless to think up lines like “We must harness the power of our enemies and fight fear with fear!” Or this favorite exchange: “Why are you glowing?” “Why is your skin green?” “What in the hell is with that mask?” At the screening I attended, the critics were laughing so loud I missed a few bon mots, but you get the picture. The director is Martin Campbell, who doesn’t.

Humans aren’t the strongest species, or the smartest, but we’re worth saving. As a Lantern, Hal is a hit when he rubs the ring and turns the film’s primary color of lime Jell-O, but he’s also a flop because he has the one thing no Lantern is allowed to have: human terror! If you care, this seemingly interminable rubble of bad technology and computerized escapades is devoted to Hal’s dilemma. Can he overcome fear and save the film industry from bloated budgets and fiscal apocalypse?  Surely it is time to save Ryan Reynolds from himself. Money says it all, but after he went to so much trouble a year ago to prove his acting prowess in Buried, the loafing and posing he does in The Green Lantern just seems like a lot of talent gone to seed.  Even as a prime example of rotten summer silliness, this is a paralyzing experience.

rreed@observer.com

THE GREEN LANTERN

Running time 105 minutes

Written by Greg Berlanti, Michael Green, Marc Guggenheim, Michael Goldenberg

Directed by Martin Campbell

Starring Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard

1/4

Today, in seemingly direct contrast to that logic, comes news that noted hack Eli Roth wants to make a Cloverfield-like disaster movie for the cost of $80 million dollars. And, as if that weren’t enough, Warner Brothers and director Martin Campbell (Casino Royale) are going ahead with a $150 million dollar adaptation of The Green Lantern, despite the fact that they don’t even have a male lead locked down yet. So let’s see if we have this straight: spending some money on bankable movie stars, bad; spending infinitely more money on crappy ideas, good.

It’s not that we think stars are underpaid—quite the opposite! A quick look at the biggest box office hits of the year finds names like Kevin James, Liam Neeson and Paul Walker in starring roles, something that proves the studios’ main point. But, at the same time, does anyone think giving Mr. Roth $80 million (to be fair, no studio has yet to back his ridiculous pitch) or spending $150 million on The Green Lantern is the path to good business? And this is all coming just a month after Warner Brothers willingly gave Zack Snyder another $100 million to flush down the drain. (Clearly they’re still counting all the money The Dark Knight made.)

We get that everyone want the next big thing—the next Dark Knight as it were—but it just seems totally egregious to throw good money after bad. You can’t preach poverty on the one hand and then spend millions of dollars like a drunken CEO. Plus, by the time The Green Lantern hits theaters in 2010, the model for what makes a hit movie could be totally different. Trends come and go, but the one thing that never goes out of style for an audience is their love of movie stars. And even if we no longer like some of the old models—Harrison Ford, we’re looking at you—there will always be new ones just around the corner—Zak Efron, perhaps. Stars are Hollywood’s renewable resource, and, no matter what, spending money on them is still less risky than an expensive flop. Just ask Watchmen.

The Green Lantern: Don’t worry. We’re not exactly sure what the Green Lantern does either, other than possessing a magic ring that looks like something you’d find in a cereal box. No matter though, because come summer of 2010, we’ll all be plunking down $12 dollars to see this one. Casino Royale’s Martin Campbell is set to direct, and while it was reported for a hot minute that youngster Anton Yelchin was going to be the star, as of now no one has been cast. In a twist for DC Comics (the people behind The Dark Knight and Watchmen), The Green Lantern is going to be a more light-hearted affair. Producer Donald De Line (I Love You, Man) came out over the weekend and told fans that the tone would be more in line with Iron Man. If that means they’ll cast Paul Rudd as the lead, count us amongst the interested.

Iron Man 2: Speaking of Iron Man, it appears that Mickey Rourke’s on again/off again flirtation with the project appears to be switched into the 'on' position. When asked recently by a group of paparazzi about whether he’d appear, Mr. Rourke replied: "You bet your ass." Sounds like a confirmation to us!

The Justice League: Hey, remember The Justice League movie that George Miller was going to direct with Adam Brody as The Flash and Common as The Green Lantern? Warner Brothers was so certain this film was going to happen, they even snuck a fake poster for it into I Am Legend. Then during the WGA strike everyone seemed to realize that combining every relevant DC Comics superhero (Superman, Batman, the aforementioned Green Lantern, The Flash) into one movie and leaving it in the hands of people like Seth Cohen was a terrible idea. Well, apparently it’s back! Mr. Miller told MTV that he’s still attached to the film and it will happen "a far way down the track." Expect The Justice League to hit theaters sometime around never.

The Fantastic Four: If you’re looking for a sign of the apocalypse, allow us to introduce you to a reboot of The Fantastic Four. Though the first two films in the franchise, released in 2005 and 2007, pulled in a combined $620 million dollars worldwide, Twentieth Century Fox is in the mood to start over with a new cast—so long Ioan Gruffudd and Jessica Alba!—and a new tone. You guessed it: they want to make The Fantastic Four more like The Dark Knight or Watchmen. How original! Let’s just hope Zack Snyder doesn’t get a hold of this. We can just imagine a sex scene between Reed Richards and Sue Storm scored to "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge.