Reason No. 68 why the disconnect between film critics and moviegoers is bigger than ever: The elitism of the old guard. Over the course of the past week, well known and nominally intelligent film critics Roger Ebert and A.O. Scott both wrote that the decline of the film industry is in direct proportion to the increasing stupidity of the audience. (Jeffrey Wells, hysterical blogger and all around curmudgeon, had written the same thing previously, albeit in more breathlessly hyperbolic terms.) Apparently, if you thought the culture war was reserved for political campaigns and Fox News talking heads, you were mistaken.

Of course, the funny thing is that these critics are waging this culture war on what seems like the entire population of the United States. Their consternation lies mostly with the wild success of two movies: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The latter, with close to $400 million in total grosses is one of the worst reviewed movies in the history of Hollywood to reach such lofty financial heights; the former was famously left unscreened for major film critics and scored a $54 million opening over this past weekend despite that fact. To Messrs. Scott and Ebert, the thinking seems to be that if crappy movies are making big bucks, the audience—particularly the young and impressionable—are to blame. (Mr. Ebert has even gone so far as to say that film critics are more “evolved” than regular moviegoers; this from the man who gave Knowing four-stars [Editor's Note: Some of us here also think that Knowing is pretty awesome.]). What other reason could there be for the perceived “failures” of ostensibly highbrow films like Public Enemies and The Hurt Locker, two critically beloved summer entries that have supposedly underwhelmed? Never mind that Public Enemies is actually kind of successful (Michael Mann’s gangland epic has grossed $94 million to date) and The Hurt Locker hasn’t been shown in more than 535 theaters at any point this summer (by contrast, G.I. Joe opened in over 4,000 theaters). The real reason Hollywood continues to put out a crappy product is because of you! This is all your fault.

And therein lies the problem: It’s not your fault! Was it your fault when Slumdog Millionaire grossed well over $100 million, or when Up and Star Trek, two of the best reviewed movies of the year, grossed over $250 million, each? Sure some great movies (like The Hurt Locker) will inevitably fall through the cracks, but most of the time, we audience members do see the good movies, if we’re given the opportunity. Of course, we see the crap movies too. That’s issue with these film critics: Somewhere along the way they forgot that people just fundamentally like going to the movies. This has nothing to do with intellect—or lack thereof—but a wish to escape the rigors of daily life for a couple of hours. The person who paid to see G.I. Joe this weekend isn’t necessarily dumb, just like the one who paid to see The Hurt Locker isn’t necessarily a Rhodes scholar. It’s time to separate the quality of the films from their paying audiences. The sooner film critics do this, the better.

The most ingenious part of the marketing campaign for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra—on which Paramount has spent an ungodly $150 million—ended up costing nothing at all: That would be the decision to not screen the bloated and sure-to-be eviscerated film for critics before its release tomorrow. Naturally this slap in the face to critical entitlement has ruffled some feathers, but in the process, it has helped Paramount get loads of legitimate free press and has insured that the bad reviews will get pushed under the rug come Friday afternoon or Saturday morning; it’s the ultimate win-win scenario for the studio. Which brings us to a larger question: Are we still supposed to be under the impression that movie reviews mean something to ticket sales?

Don’t get us wrong: Film critics are, and will always be, a vital part of the dialogue. But when it comes to going to the theater and paying for a ticket, the opinions of film critics really don’t account for much. Marketing campaigns and, then later, word of mouth, count for a whole bunch more to moviegoers than what a particular critic thinks. Sure, those effusive reviews that Star Trek received in May were nice (the film sports a nifty 95 percent Fresh Rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is even higher than Best Picture winner Slumdog Millionaire), but does anybody actually believe they can be credited for even a dime of the $254 million total gross? On the flipside, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which was skewered, is one of the ten highest grossing films ever, despite those hyperbolically bad reviews. Did critics stop anyone from seeing Revenge of the Fallen?

Of course not. Obviously then, the people predisposed to seeing G.I. Joe will see it, while those who aren’t, will not. As Paramount Vice Chairman Rob Moore told the Associated Press, “After the chasm we experienced with Transformers 2 between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote G.I. Joe. We want audiences to define this film.” The transparent nature of that statement aside—are we to believe that with nearly $400 million in domestic grosses, audiences didn’t define Transformers?—Mr. Moore clearly understands what critics mean to G.I. Joe, and, by proxy, to all summer blockbusters: Absolutely nothing. Instead of getting all huffy, critics should embrace this freedom and take the summer off. Go to the beach or on a trip. But whatever they do, just stay away from the multiplex.

With all this extra money lying around, perhaps it might be time for Hogwarts to add a new wing to the campus: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ruled the roost over the weekend conjuring up an estimated $79.4 million in ticket sales. (Wizard jokes, hello!) Add that to the nearly $80 million the film grossed since opening on Wednesday, and Half-Blood Prince has already taken in an astonishing $159.6 million in grosses. Meanwhile, opening in 12th place was (500) Days of Summer, which averaged more than $31,000 from just 27 screens. It looks like the breakout indie hit of the summer has potentially arrived. As we do each Monday, here’s a breakdown of the top five at the box office.

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: $79.4 million ($159.6 million total)

We guess there is some bad news—The Half Blood Prince’s three-day total gives it the second-lowest three-day opening weekend in the Harry Potter series; the film failed to reach the $200 million that Tranformers: Revenge of the Fallen grossed in its first five days last month—but those complaints seem like nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking. With $159.6 million already in the bank, The Half-Blood Prince should find itself comfortably grossing upward of $290 million domestically, which would place the film among the top three in the franchise. Another Potter, another blockbuster.

2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: $17.7 million ($152 million total)

This train just keeps rolling, huh? Dawn of the Dinosaurs dipped just 35 percent this weekend, bringing its total north of $150 million domestically and over $500 million worldwide. What started out looking like a potential disappointment for 20th Century Fox is anything but: This brand appears to have enough legs to support a fourth film if necessary.

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: $13.7 million ($363.8 million total)

Can Paramount finagle a way to push Revenge of the Fallen over $400 million domestically? What seemed like a sure thing following the $200 million five-day start now appears to be getting harder and harder to imagine with each passing weekend. To wit: Transformers dropped 43 percent over the weekend and is sorta running out of steam. Do Shia LaBeouf and his killer robot friends have another $40 million in the couch cushions? We’re not so sure.

4. Brüno: $8.37 million ($49.5 million total)

It turns out the joke was on Sacha Baron Cohen after all. By plummeting nearly 73 percent in weekend two, Brüno is now the proud owner of the third-largest weekend-to-weekend drop this year, behind only Friday the 13th (80 percent) and Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience (77 percent). While we will readily admit that with $50 million in domestic grosses already in the bank, Universal will probably end up in the black on their investment, trying to spin Brüno as anything other than an outright disaster is absolutely ridiculous. This movie is a bomb, plain and simple.

5. The Hangover: $8.31 million ($235.8 million total)

Hot on Brüno’s heels were both The Hangover and The Proposal ($8.29 million/$128 million total), and, as usual, both found themselves with the lowest percentage drops amongst the top 10. If this sounds like a broken record, that’s because it is: Outside of the massive openings from Transformers and Harry Potter, the story of the summer remains how much audiences seem to love these two comedies. Brüno should be taking notes.

What’s Austrian for “not as good as we thought?” It was a tale of two weekends for Sacha Baron Cohen’s Brüno. On the one hand, the guerrilla comedy pulled down an estimated $30.4 million in ticket sales to pace the field; on the other, the total gross came in well below the high expectations that were set after Brüno opened with $14.4 million on Friday. There was no splitting the baby with the weekend’s other wide release: I Love You, Beth Cooper was a humongous bomb, landing in seventh place with just $5 million. As we do each Monday, here’s a breakdown of the top five at the box office.

1. Brüno: $30.4 million ($30.4 million total)

Obviously, Brüno wasn’t a sequel to Borat, but it sure performed like one: Almost half of Brüno’s ticket sales came on Friday. The alarming 39 percent drop from Friday to Saturday shows that those who wanted to see this film, saw it immediately, while everyone else just kind of shrugged and went to other comedies available to them; notice the slim drops lower down the chart for The Hangover (11 percent) and The Proposal (18 percent). Things won’t get much better in the weekends ahead: Viewers gave Brüno a C grade, according to Cinemascore, meaning word of mouth will be tenuous at best and flat-out crippling at worst. Borat, this is not.

2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: $28.5 million ($120.5 million total)

After failing to top Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen over July 4, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs rebounded from a less-than-stellar opening salvo to hold off the giant robots in weekend two, easing just 31 percent in the process. With $120 million already in the coffers, the 3-D kiddie flick is on a similar pace to its predecessor, Ice Age: Meltdown, which hit $195 million domestically. However with Harry Potter looming large, reaching numbers that high might be a tad difficult. Don’t hold a collection for Fox, though: With an additional $191.9 million from foreign markets, Ice Age has already grossed enough worldwide to be considered a success.

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: $24.2 million ($339.2 million total)

Despite a 43 percent drop from last weekend, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen still passed the total gross of the first Transformers and has now banked $339 million domestically to date. That it’s also up to nearly $675 million worldwide speaks to the popularity of this brand name. If you don’t think a third film is happening, think again.

4. Public Enemies: $14.1 million ($66.5 million total)

Never underestimate the drawing power of Johnny Depp. In just 11 days of release, Public Enemies has already become Michael Mann’s fourth-highest-grossing movie ever, and should eventually wind up with a total in the $90 million–to–$100 million range. Now that doesn’t mean the people at Universal are doing cartwheels—after all, Enemies cost north of $100 million to make and had a huge promotional campaign—but this isn’t the blood bath that we had expected after the tepid opening. Something tells us that if Public Enemies had starred someone other than Mr. Depp, this second weekend would have been much worse.

5. The Proposal: $10.5 million ($113.7 million total)

The Proposal held off The Hangover (Todd Phillips’s film has become the highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever with $222.1 million) to finish in fifth place over the weekend, pushing its total grosses past $113 million. As it turns out, we were dead wrong about Ryan Reynolds. He is a movie star. And coming in 2010, he’ll have The Green Lantern to further prove that fact.

Ladies and gentlemen: We have a draw! Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs each pulled down an estimated $42.5 over Fourth of July weekend to tie atop the charts, meaning a winner won’t be decided until the final numbers are tallied later today. (Our money is on the kiddie flick.) Opening in third was the epic (and epically long) Public Enemies, which managed to heist an estimated $26.1 million, giving director Michael Mann the biggest opening weekend of his career. As we do each Monday, here’s a breakdown of the top five at the box office.

1. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs: $42.5 million ($67.5 million total)

Even if Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs winds up ahead of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, this start has to be considered a huge disappointment. Despite opening on more screens than either of the previous Ice Age films, Dawn of the Dinosaurs had the lowest-grossing first weekend in the series. Worse, since opening last Wednesday, Dawn of the Dinosaurs has grossed $67.5 million over the five days. That’s an impressive number until you consider that both Up and Ice Age 2 each had higher opening weekends over the course of just three days … and without the added benefit of a holiday. Oh, and did we mention that since Dawn of the Dinosaurs is in 3-D, the ticket prices are higher? Not good.

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: $42.5 million ($293.5 million total)

While a 61 percent plunge from last weekend is alarming—the drop puts Revenge of the Fallen in Terminator Salvation territory—the Transformers sequel still managed to become the highest-grossing movie of 2009, flying by the very game Up to take control of the title. A total of $293.5 million in just 12 days is quite amazing, but, if you really want your eyes to pop, check out the foreign numbers: Revenge of the Fallen has already taken in some $298 million internationally, putting its worldwide grosses above $590 million. Maybe the Obama administration should let Michael Bay take a crack at the economy.

3. Public Enemies: $26.1 million ($41 million total)

The good news: If you take away the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, this is Johnny Depp’s third-biggest opener, behind only Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Sleepy Hollow. Plus, with $41 million since debuting on Wednesday, Public Enemies will likely pass Michael Mann’s last summer entry, Miami Vice, sometime next weekend. The bad news: A very audience unfriendly affair—the film could only muster a B-grade from CinemaScore—we doubt Public Enemies will have the word of mouth to sustain prolonged successes at the box office. Time will tell here, but we aren’t that optimistic.

4. The Proposal: $12.7 million ($94.2 million total)

Where is the love for Anne Fletcher? The choreographer-turned-director (you’ve seen her dance moves in Hairspray and Walk Hard) has helmed three movies thus far—Step Up, 27 Dresses and, now, The Proposal—and each has grossed more than the last. Even better, when The Proposal passes the $100 million threshold, she’ll become only the 10th female director in Hollywood history to guide a film into triple-digit receipts. Give the woman her due, people!

5. The Hangover: $10.4 million ($204.1 million total)

The Hangover held off the sixth weekend of Up (which, with $264.8 million, is now the second-highest-grossing Pixar movie ever) to finish in the top five for the fifth straight week. At $204.1 million, Todd Phillips’ film will become the highest-grossing R-rated comedy sometime this week, surpassing the $209.2 million of Wedding Crashers. Future screenwriters take note: Comedies set in and around blessed nuptials are a pretty good bet for success.

A word of advice: If you’re one of the few who has yet to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (and judging from the $200 million–plus grosses, you probably aren’t), we suggest rushing out immediately to see Michael Bay’s latest in its full IMAX glory. Quality aside—the over-long extravaganza isn’t nearly as bad as critics say, but it also doesn’t make a whole lot of sense—this thing is positively massive when viewed on a screen that measures 76 feet high. We don’t want to spoil it, but towards the end, when a bunch of Decepticons combine to form Devastator … well, prepare to have your mouth fall agape at the sheer size of robotic carnage. Of course, if you’ve ever seen Voltron, you can already imagine what Devastator looks like. And that might be the main charm of Revenge of the Fallen: At its core, the film is simply a greatest-hits package of popular culture. Don’t believe us? Check out this partial list of movies and television that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen gloriously steals from. Spoilers ahead!

Chuck: Tell us if this sounds familiar: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, surprisingly neutered) winds up with tons of secret information in his head (because he looked at a piece of junk from the first movie, natch) and it causes him to have flashes that spill said information out. Umm, really? We were half expecting to see Sam working in a BuyMore by the third act. Chuck creator's Josh Schwartz and Chris Fedak should probably call their lawyers about this.

Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace: Much has been made of the minstrel-show-like robots Skids and Mudflap, and, deservedly so: They are patently absurd and shocking in their racist portrayals. But how come no one mentioned Tyrese Gibson, whose only function is to stand around and comment on how the situation is screwed up, or, about how he screwed it up, all while looking really scared. You want to talk racism? He’s Revenge of the Fallen’s very own Jar-Jar Binks.

Species: While in college, Sam hooks up with a hot-to-trot college freshman that turns out to be a Decepticon, and their make-out session, complete with creepy robotic tonguing, feels like a deleted scene from Species. If Mr. Bay thought we wouldn’t remember back to 1995, he was wrong. (Also, a note to incoming freshman: We've been out of school for a few years, but we're still pretty sure it doesn't look anything like the college in Transformers.)

The Matrix: Mr. Bay didn’t really steal that much from the Wachowski brothers’ classic, but he did have the gall to call a major piece of technology “The Matrix,” which made us giggle a little every time it was said.

Every Michael Bay Movie, Ever: There was an unnecessary 360-degree camera swoop around Sam and Mikaela (Megan Fox, still crazy hot) that reminded us of Bad Boys; Sam writes all over a Bad Boys II poster in his dorm room (for no reason); one of the military grunts actually references using “green smoke” to signal a job has been done, just like in The Rock; the Decepticon Emperor, “The Fallen” (whatever that was), lives on a spaceship that looked suspiciously like the asteroid in Armageddon (plus Sam and Mikaela share an Animal Crackers–less love scene); and pretty much the entire ending—complete with another Linkin Park song—is word-for-word the same as the final scene in the first Transformers. No wonder Mr. Bay doesn’t want to make a third film so soon—he has to wait to build up his catalog again!

It’s not like anyone ever accused the Academy Awards of having good timing, but even by their standards, putting out a major press release on a Friday—following the death of Michael Jackson—has to rank as a poor decision. Since you, like the rest of the developed world, probably missed it: The Music Branch Executive Committee stated that, going forward, songs must get higher than 8.25 on a scale of 6-to-10 to even be considered for a nomination in the Best Original Song category. If no song gets to 8.25, then no songs will be nominated that year; if one song makes it, then the runner-up also gets nominated, regardless of its total score. Still with us? In layman’s terms, this is just a convenient way of getting rid of the Best Original Song category altogether—voters now have an out that allows them to ignore all songs in a given year if they so choose (previously, three songs had to be nominated no matter what). Between this switch and the banishing of lifetime achievement awards to their own separate night, the Oscars will have plenty of room in the telecast for those 10 Best Picture nominees. But why stop with these changes? Here are three other fixes we’d love to see come March 7, 2010.

Add a Best Music Cue Category!

With respect to songwriters and composers, is there anything more important to a movie than a well-placed music cue? We say absolutely not! Movies can be made or broken by the songs they chose for their soundtrack. Greg Mottola’s underrated Adventureland used awesome musical selections throughout, and they helped make a good movie all the more better; on the flipside, Sam Mendes ruined Away We Go with suffocating indie folk. Something so important to the fabric of movies should get recognition at the highest level, no?

Subtract All the Short Film Categories! And the Best Animated Feature, Too!

This is an easy fix that will both shorten the length of the show and simultaneously make it more watchable. People barely see the nominated films and yet the Academy expects us to get excited for shorts that no one has heard of? It’s not happening! Get rid of them all, be they documentaries, animated or narrative. As for Best Animated Feature, it was basically only installed so that Pixar could win Oscars for its lauded work. However, now that the Best Picture field has jumped to ten, logic seems to dictate that the animation house will always be in the mix. Call us traditionalists, but we don’t need to see Monsters Vs. Aliens on the Oscar stage.

Add a Best Action Sequence Category!

Think about it: The Academy Awards already give out awards for makeup and special effects … so why not action scenes? We can’t be the only ones amped to see a competition between the first act of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the second act of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and the last act of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: $112 million ($201.2 million total)

Where to begin? This is the seventh largest three-day opening ever, trailing only The Dark Knight, the first and third Spider-Man movies, the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and, Shrek 3; it’s the largest June opening weekend ever, shattering the $93.7 million mark held by Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban set back in 2004; while the first Transformers needed 12 days to pass the $200 million mark, the sequel managed to do it in just five. Plus, as if all that wasn’t enough, when Revenge of the Fallen surpasses $300 million in domestic grosses, Shia LaBeouf will become the first star to ever appear in $300 million blockbusters over three straight summers (Transformers and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull being the other two). Oh, and we didn’t even mention the $186.1 million that the Transformers sequel has already grossed from foreign territories. Phew! This probably goes without saying, but it’s a very good day to be Michael Bay.

2. The Proposal: $18.4 million ($69 million total)

America’s reignited love affair with Sandra Bullock continued as last weekend’s No. 1 film, The Proposal, dipped just 45 percent to fall into second place. At this rate of attrition and with no romantic comedies on the horizon until The Ugly Truth hits theaters at the end of July, The Proposal will not only clear $100 million, but it could also become the highest-grossing film of Ms. Bullock’s career. America’s Sweetheart is back.

3. The Hangover: $17.2 million ($183.2 million total)

With all the boys flocking to see Transformers, it isn’t surprising to find that The Hangover saw its largest percentage drop yet, easing 35 percent to land in third place. Of course, even bad news is good news for Todd Phillips’s smash: Among movies in the top ten, only Star Trek saw a lower decline. With $183.2 million accrued thus far, The Hangover is on course for upward of $250 million. Maybe that sequel isn’t such a bad idea after all.

4. Up: $13 million ($250.2 million total)

With another $13 million added to the coffers, Up has quietly become the highest grossing movie of 2009. Don’t get too excited though: Revenge of the Fallen might surpass its total by next weekend. Still, when all is said and done, the 3-D extravaganza should be the second-highest-grossing film in the history of Pixar. Well done, Ed Anser!

5. My Sister’s Keeper: $12 million ($12 million total)

Counterprogramming failure. While My Sister’s Keeper easily held off the second weekend of the bomb that is Year One ($5.8 million/$32.2 million total), a fifth place finish has to be considered a disappointment. My Sister’s Keeper only opened to $2 million more than star Cameron Diaz’s last best-selling adaptation, In Her Shoes. The lesson? Audiences want to see Ms. Diaz in romantic comedies, not weepy dramas. Perhaps she should give Sandy a call for some career advice.

If you trek to the theaters this weekend, we hope you’re prepared to encounter hordes of killer robots (and teenage boys). Four movies hit the multiplex today, but all anyone will really care about come Monday morning is Transformers. As we do every Friday, here’s a handy guide to the new releases.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

What’s the story: Noted oversharer Shia LaBeouf is once again tasked to helping the Autobots save the world from the evil Decepticons in Michael Bay’s latest experiment in sensory overload. Considering Revenge of the Fallen opened on Wednesday and has grossed over $60 million at the box office, the chances are good that you’ve already experienced this sequel. For those of you that haven’t, Transformers 2 promises to be bigger than the first film in every sense of the word … except with regards to über-hottie Megan Fox’s wardrobe, which appears to have been shrunk by half.

Who should see it: The giant killer robots from Terminator Salvation.

My Sister’s Keeper

What’s the story: Counterprogramming alert! While all the boys are buying tickets to see Transformers 2, Nick Cassavetes (The Notebook, John’s son) is hoping the girls will check out his weepy adaptation of Jodi Picoult’s best-selling tearjerker. Cameron Diaz stars as a mother who, via in vitro fertilization, genetically engineers one daughter for the purposes of keeping her other, leukemia-stricken daughter, alive. This causes problems when, years later, the younger sister (played by the precocious Abigail Breslin) decides she wants medical emancipation from her parents so that she isn’t forced to give up a kidney to her older sister. Eek! Don’t fret though: Things aren’t as cut and dry as they initially appear. You’d be wise to bring lots of tissues.

Who should see it: Nicholas Sparks.

Cheri

What’s the story: Old friends Stephen Frears and Christopher Hampton (the Oscar-winning Dangerous Liaisons, the forgettable Mary Reilly) get together once again to adapt another bit of classic literature: Colette’s novel of Belle Epoque romance, Cheri. The 51-year-old Michelle Pfeiffer (holy cow!) stars as courtesan who has a May-December fling with the titular hero, here played by young British actor Rupert Friend (Pride and Prejudice). With such a pedigree, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Cheri would be more suited amongst the highfalutin awards bait of the fall, but maybe Miramax is just hoping to get a jump on the season. Don’t be surprised if Ms. Pfeiffer gets some serious Best Actress consideration in what looks to be a comeback role.

Who should see it: David E. Kelley.

The Hurt Locker

What’s the story: The Hurt Locker has been knocking around for such a long time that stars Jeremy Renner and Anthony Mackie were nominated for Independent Spirit Awards … last year! Kathryn Bigelow’s Iraq-war-film-that-isn’t-your-typical-Iraq-war-film (i.e., no preaching) originally premiered at the Venice Film Festival in September of 2008 to the kind of apoplectic praise that one would associate with a possible Best Picture contender. The latest batch of reviews are no different, especially singling out Mr. Renner (late of ABC’s The Unusuals) as one of the summer’s biggest breakout contenders. Consider The Hurt Locker meathead action for the art house crowd.

Who should see it: James Cameron.

So yes, young Shia and the blow-up doll that is being forced down our throats as a sex symbol,  Megan Fox, (who is almost an avatar at this point—quite a lot of needless slow-motion time was spent on watching her perfect breasts sway to and fro as she ran from danger) are back. Let me say for the record that there is not one ounce of exaggeration in the following statement: I could not follow the first 10 minutes of the movie. True story!  Is it because I never watched the cartoon as a child or brushed up on my Transformers mythology before going to see the sequel? Was I distracted by how similar those ten minutes were to that weird long intro of Rock Band or that insidious Army Recruitment ad movie theaters keep playing? But, no matter, I managed to catch up with the plot, which basically boils down to hope-for-the-future Sam Witwicky (Mr. LaBeouf, a long way from his Project Greenlight days) heading to college – somewhere on the East Coast at a campus that looks like Princeton and Harvard barfed up a Dartmouth. He must say goodbye to his parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White, who do their best to bring some fun moments to the script), his robot/guardian Bumblebee, and  his girlfriend — remember, this is a magical and alternate universe where Shia LaBeouf can score a chick like Ms. Fox. But of course, nothing is so simple. His roommates include a conspiracy-theorist blogger named Leo (played by Ramon Rodriguez) who has a poster of Cloverfield up on the wall and, strangely, yet another super-hot chick (Isabel Lucas) seems to want to get with him, but then he has a total Beautiful Mind-like meltdown in a class taught by Rainn Wilson because he’s seeing crazy ancient robotic symbols in his head. And we’re off! 

Turns out Sam alone has the key to the outcome between good and evil and the age-old battle between Decepticons and Autobots. The Autobots have been secretly working with the US Government, but a new National Security Advisor (John Benjamin Hickey) appears determined that all Transformers should be banished from our planet. Sigh…still with me? Needless to say, college must be put on hold as various cities around the globe start getting the stuffing knocked out of hem, and Sam and co. (which includes John Turturro and those kinda annoying twin robots) get cracking on the mystery. I’d be hard pressed to describe what happens next: it involves the Smithsonian, Egypt, Jordan, a grouchy old Bot who had the funniest line in the whole movie, and then a final climatic third act that must have been at least 90 minutes long. In fact, I felt just about every heavy second of the 150 minutes running time. The special effects are indeed mind-blowing, but is there such a thing as too much when it comes to these things? (Teenage boys, I already know your answer). The big battle scenes were so hypnotic that I had trouble distinguishing good robots from bad (don’t get me started about the basic good vs evil of robots in general) and found myself thinking such deep thoughts as, which would be worse? To be trapped in a submarine or outer space? And also, why can’t Megan Fox ever keep her lips closed? And where does she manage to get lip gloss while out in the desert?

Still, all this being said, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will make a squillion trillion dollars. Count on it.