James Franco, perfect!

Because he's too busy doing all the other things to line edit, actor James Franco posted a very confusing 1,000-word book report on the Huffington Post yesterday. This article plays with form and function, taking the form of a letter that Mr. Franco is writing to a friend, "D_____," (who, we learned in the first edition of this series, is a teacher, but also taking classes--much like Mr. Franco himself!) and functioning as evidence that Mr. Franco read all the way through Ham on Rye.

And it must be a good friend indeed to read all the way through Mr. Franco's musings on the new UCLA class he is teaching (he took them on a press tour for Oz: Th Great and Powerful, which makes sense for a creative writing class), how he is kind of like John Gregory Dunne, how Dunne and the Maysles--which he spells Maysels--didn't have to do any pre-research on their subjects so neither should he, the low-budget Charles Bukowski movie he's making and the one Larry Brown story he's actually read in Big Bad Love. (The fact that this whole paragraph was one long sentence gives you a sense of how Mr. Franco actually writes.)

While we won't subject you to any snippets of the actual essays--go look for yourself if you want to fall down that particular rabbit hole--Jeva Lange at The New York Daily News brought up the commenting threads inspired by this particular series. Now that's a much more interesting rabbit hole, not to mention one with a better grasp of the English language. We're currently taking over/unders on how long it will be before Franco starts putting up sockpuppets complimenting his own writing and fighting with detractors ... if he hasn't already! Let's make the walls shadow-colored, you guys!

Rebel with a grudge (Getty)

Two days ago, The New York Observer noticed that Renaissance man James Franco had quietly begun blogging for the Huffington Post, adding to his already extensive resume of writer/poet/Ivy League student/film teacher/director/musician/actor/producer/artist. Tackling the issues of New Orleans, haunted houses, and that time he hung out with Nick Cage in a haunted house in New Orleans, we posted the item of interest because, like it or not, James Franco is a Very Famous Person. (Also because we miss his Twitter feed so much.)

But Mr. Franco was not happy with our assessment of his Frank Bruni-esque musings, and called out The New York Observer in his latest HuffPost column for writing about his new gig instead of "covering pressing world issues."

Mr. Franco, not yet aware of HuffPost's policy of linking to original articles that they aggregate, quoted nearly half our article about him, before going on to defend his subject choice. (Update: The power of the press! Mr. Franco's article now includes a link-back.)

Yes, this is all true. I didn't write about the president's stance on gay rights -- I figured there was enough talk about that already. (Plus, who wants to hear an actor's take on it anyway?) I didn't write about Marina, but only because we are doing an episode of Iconoclasts for the Sundance Channel together and I figured everything one would want to know about her would come out then. And yes, I am working on an album with my art school band, but I wouldn't want to write an article for HuffPost that promotes my own work. Instead, I wrote about New Orleans and ghost tours because I think there is something interesting about the way we are repelled by violence, on one hand, and attracted to it for its entertainment value, on the other. Maybe the great journalists at the New York Observer should stop wondering why I am not covering Obama or Abramovic -- and start asking themselves why, instead of covering pressing world issues, they are covering my writing, which they claim to consider petty.

We apologize to Mr. Franco for not mentioning his extensive work with the Sundance Channel.

But it doesn't end there! To prove that he in no way was affected by our portrayal of the actor as somewhat frivolous, Mr. Franco then launched into a lengthy diatribe about the time he met President Obama and asked him how he dealt with detractors, since their situations are virtually identical.

Because his choice as a commencement speaker was being protested at Notre Dame, and since he wasn't given an honorary degree after speaking at Arizona State because the officials felt like he hadn't accomplished enough, I asked him how he dealt with such detractors. He said, "humor." I tried to take his advice.

For those who don't remember, James Franco faced a similar problem in 2009 when students at UCLA protested the actor giving a commencement speech as a graduating member of his class. (Possibly because he never attended classes.) Why couldn't they just give him an honorary degree, like the President received??

In any case, Mr. Franco decided to cancel his speech, not attend the graduation, and blame it on his filming schedule. Then, taking President Obama's advice, he made a FunnyorDie video mocking his own lack of qualifications as both a student and a speaker.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHVC_EQne7w
Mr. Franco's LongReads Tumblr post then goes on a strange tangent about how hard it is to write commencement speeches, that time he got advice on graduation speeches from Tina Fey, and his very famous appearance at UT Arlington's graduation, which he reproduced for the Internet because it was so good that no one bothered covering it, except to remark on the ceremony having to be moved indoors due to bad weather.

I hope you all realize how lucky you are to be in this position right now. Looking up on stage, at a man with deep brown eyes, a flawless head of hair, chiseled good looks, staring right back at you. And I'm just talking about Arlington U president James D. Spaniolo!!! (Note: point to Spaniolo) You're leading the charge, Spaniolo. Great stuff.

(OPTIONAL: When I say James, y'all say Spaniolo! James! Spaniolo! James! Spaniolo!)

In all seriousness, you guys are incredibly lucky. There's no better feeling than the sense of accomplishment that comes with graduating. It's such a good feeling that I've been chasing it for the last 6 years. I have a BA, a few Masters, and I'm currently pursuing a PHD. Seriously. I think I'm developing a bit of a problem. It's gotten to the point where if I don't graduate something within a 6-month period, I start getting the shakes, I break out with hives. I wake up with cold sweats. Cotton mouth is becoming a pesky little issue. So I feel very privileged to be here today just to get a taste of that sweet graduation feeling. If I'm being completely honest, I'm already starting to get a contact high off it. So thank you for that.

That speech (which was drafted by Deenah Vollmer, passed on to Seth Rogen, and apparently written by everyone in Hollywood except James Franco) ended with the audience cheering.

Because nothing says "I have nothing to prove" like a 1513-word Livejournal entry about the time you talked to the President and gave a really great graduation speech.

A few months back Vassar thoroughly embarrassed itself when a 'technical glitch' delivered 70 acceptance letters to high school seniors the world over--by mistake. Now U.C.L.A. has been struck by the same mysterious case of the stupids. If anything, the California school's boo-boo was worse, since this time 894 high school students had their hopes raised, then dashed:

In an email about financial aid awards, UCLA told 894 high school seniors last weekend that they were admitted to the highly competitive campus. Those students actually remain on the waiting list for the Westwood school.

To its credit, U.C.L.A. was pretty apologetic about the mess, saying in their mea culpa that the school understood that "this is a particularly anxious and stressful time for students and their families as they try to make decisions about college admissions."

Apparently the mistake happened last weekend when financial aid notices were sent to students who had been admitted as well as students on a waiting list. This line unfortunately made the cut in the letter to wait-listed seniors: "...congratulations on your admission to UCLA, we hope that this information will assist you in making your decision to join the Bruin Family in the fall."

Campus spokesman Ricardo Vasquez admitted the mistake was 'human error.'

For a look at how a similar human error impacted students hoping to attend Vassar, read this.

Perhaps the nation's most tweeted city ought to take a lesson from the other coast.

Out west, one Alexandra Wallace, a UCLA student who posted a video on YouTube March 11, blasted her Asian classmates for talking on the phone in the library (regarding, she presumes, their relatives in "the tsunami thing"), among other crimes. Ms. Wallace imitated an Asian student's speech--"Ohhhh! Ching chong ling long ting tong"--while priding herself on her "American manners."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3Xtdb7ixvw&feature=related

The rant, which went viral despite being removed by Wallace on Sunday, promptly earned the third-year political science (indeed!) major a number of death threats. (None of this, by the way, is the lesson worth learning!)

Enter Jimmy Wong, a 24-year-old musician who decided to take a softer approach. He posted a video response Tuesday, March 15, featuring "Ching Chong," a humorous love song dedicated to Wallace. It garnered over 125,000 hits in five hours, yet Wong's ultimate victory lies in the fact that over 100,000 viewers and thousands of page subscribers have since populated his other videos. He was yesterday's #1 most viewed musician on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulEMWj3sVA&feature=relmfu

What messages can we send to Gottfried, ballet people, raging teachers and other loose-lipped New Yorkers? Unabashed "self-expression" is not always brave; in fact, it's frequently dumb--unless done with artfulness, or song! (We must admit, it's stuck in our head.)