Tuesday: 20/20
While you were sleeping, The Blind Side became one of the biggest hits of the entire year. For those of you who haven't seen it yet (or for those of you who want to relive the story from the comfort of your own couch), ABC's 20/20 is offering "the real story" behind the film. So instead of Sandra Bullock's brassy portrayal of Leigh Ann Tuohy, the Tennessean mother who took in a homeless boy and helped turn him into an NFL superstar, you'll get the actual Leigh Ann Tuohy. But don't worry fans, Ms. Bullock and her on-screen husband, Tim McGraw, make appearances as well. Might we suggest having some Kleenex ready? [ABC, 10 p.m.]

Wednesday: Kill Bill Volume 1 & 2
Since the DVD combining both volumes of Kill Bill that Quentin Tarantino has been teasing us with since the release of the first film back in 2003 has yet to materialize, we'll have to settle for this impromptu back-to-back showing on IFC to get our kung-fu fighting fix. For the record, we prefer the crackling part one, which offers some of Mr. Tarantino's most inspired filmmaking, to the more mature and talky part two. And obvious kudos to Uma Thurman, in a performance that was wrongly ignored by Oscar voters, for mixing the vengeful bride with equal parts sass, smarts, pathos, humor and total badassary. That's not a word, but thanks to Ms. Thurman, it should be. [IFC, 8 p.m.]

Thursday: Jersey Shore
We had been reluctant to start watching the latest television lobotomy from MTV, but why fight against something so delectable? Whether or not Jersey Shore is actually real is beside the point. This show—which is quite possibly the beginning of the 2012 apocalypse—is hilarious, ridiculous and impossible to turn away from. Where else can see someone refer to himself as "The Situation" in a serious manner? No doubt as a gift to people like us (think: anti-social), MTV is airing a new episode of this living train wreck on New Year's Eve, meaning we don't have to head out to overpriced bars to encounter loads house music, fist pumping and hair gel. [MTV, 10 p.m.]

Friday: The Twilight Zone
Call us old fashioned, but New Year's Day wouldn't be New Year's Day without a trip into The Twilight Zone. From the ball drop until January 2, SyFy is airing a marathon of the classic series, which means you can dip in and out as you please. However, for those of you looking for some guidance, make sure to check out "Time Enough At Last" (airing at 10:21 p.m.), the old chestnut starring Burgess Meredith, the apocalypse and a pair of fragile reading glasses. Cue the music! [SyFy, all day]

You won't find Garden State on many Best of the Decade lists, and with good reason: Zach Braff's film nearly suffocates you with hipster twee. But, still, has anything been more influential on the latter half of the aughts? Without Garden State, (500) Days of Summer and a host of other 20-something ennui fests wouldn't even exist. Sure, it has become a punch line—and a litmus test; if someone truly loves Garden State, we immediately raise an eyebrow—but it's easy to see why this film struck such a chord initially: it's funny, it has some great music cues and it features Peter Sarsgaard. What more could any indie-lover want? [IFC, 8 p.m.]

Tuesday: Planet of the Apes

Flipping around the channels a couple of weeks ago, we stumbled upon Tim Burton's ill-advised remake of Planet of the Apes, and, to our surprise, we were oddly transfixed. Not because this film is any good—spoiler alert: it's not—but because a remake of Planet of the Apes actually happened! We would have loved to be a fly on the wall during the pitch meeting when Mr. Burton sold 20th Century Fox executives on not only Mark "Talks To Christmas Animals" Wahlberg in the Charlton Heston lead role, but also Estella Warren as the female lead (non-ape edition). Say hi to your mother for us. [Cinemax, 8 p.m.]

Wednesday: Taken

Three reasons to watch Taken, the surprise sleeper hit from this past February: 1.) Liam Neeson, who combines Jason Bourne with the tenacity of a great white shark in the name of saving his daughter from being sold into sex slavery. 2.) The plot, which can literally fit inside a fortune cookie (see: man saving daughter from sex slavery). 3.) Did we mention how much ass Mr. Neeson kicks, all within the safely re-edited confines of a PG-13 rating (Taken was much more violent when it made the rounds through Europe)? Seriously, this movie is a load of fun because it's as simple as a cheeseburger. Just make sure to check cognizant thought at the door. [HBO, 9 p.m.]

Thursday: It's a Wonderful Life

Enough has been written (and re-written) about It's a Wonderful Life, that, at this point, finding some virgin snow to intellectually play around in is borderline impossible. So we'll just say this about our favorite holiday movie: it's so dark and weird and twisted and sad that parts don't feel like a Christmas movie at all. But then the third act happens—replete with Zuzu's petals and "Auld Lang Syne"—and we're a puddle of tears and hope. 63 years later and George Bailey is still the richest man in town. [NBC, 8 p.m.]

Friday: Till Death

Because it isn't officially the holiday until you watch four consecutive episodes of Till Death, Fox is kind enough to air (read: burn off) a marathon of the sit-com on Christmas night. We doubt you'll decide to watch Brad Garrett crack wise about how miserable married life is over putting on the Season Five DVD of Lost Santa Claus brought you, but Till Death is somewhat compelling. Think about it: this is a show that no one watches and yet it still airs. Do you think that worries the cast and crew, or, like so many others, do they just have the "eh, a job is a job" mentality that is so prevalent in America right now? More important, has anyone ever put this much thought into Till Death? Probably not. [Fox, 8 p.m.]

Tuesday: Three Amigos
Our favorite comeback story of 2009? Try Chevy Chase. Having spent the last twenty years starring in projects with titles like The Karate Dog, Bad Meat and, well, not a whole lot else, the prickly star returned with a bang thanks to NBC. After a successful guest stint on Chuck, Mr. Chase has been knocking it out of the park on Community (are you still not watching that show?), where he has recaptured that perfect blend of snarky know-it-all and bemused dullard that made him famous. The bemused dullard is on full display in Three Amigos, where, among other things, Mr. Chase's Dusty Bottoms mistakenly kills the "invisible swordsman" out of sheer laziness. Fun fact: this is the only feature film that Lorne Michaels has a writing credit on! [HBO Comedy, 12:50 p.m.]

Wednesday: Gran Torino
With Clint Eastwood's yearly December offering hitting theaters on Friday (this time in the form of Invictus), it seems like the perfect time to revisit Gran Torino. Released last December, the film is a typical Eastwood directorial affair: economical, brisk, gruff and obvious. But what separates it out from his recent spate of awards-bait is that he's also the star. As a cross between Harry Callahan, Shane and Archie Bunker, Mr. Eastwood owns the screen to such a degree, that we're still kind of shocked he didn't get an Oscar nomination for his work. [Cinemax, 10 p.m.]

Thursday: Fringe
File this under: duh! Last Thursday's perfectly adequate episode of Fringe was the highest rated of the season... on a night when both Grey's Anatomy and CSI were in reruns. One of the more boneheaded decisions we've seen in quite some time was Fox's choice to put its sophomore science-fiction serial on Thursday nights at 9; Fringe has consistently run fourth, meaning its been stuck on the bubble of cancelation. The series still isn't quite there just yet—Fringe needs to focus more on the mythology and the characters and less on the stand alone whodunits—but it's always consistently entertaining and, at times, downright scary. One complaint: not enough Joshua Jackson (Pacey for life!), whose character could become a cocky jerk on the level of Matthew Fox if given the chance. [Fox, 9 p.m.]

Friday: Obsessed
Why you should watch Obsessed—a surprise B-movie hit last spring—can be summed up in just three words: Beyonce kicks ass. Any other reasons seem totally extraneous. [Starz, 8:10 p.m.]

Tuesday: Doubt
We've gotten to the point with Meryl Streep that whenever she appears on screen, Oscar nominations follow. In fact, expect her to garner number 16 for either Julie & Julia or It's Complicated early next year. Obviously, she was tabbed for Doubt, since her showy role as Sister Aloysius Beauvier was practically tailor-made for awards-consideration. But, would it be blasphemy to say she delivers the fourth best performance here? Her scenery chewing is no-match for the nuanced work of Amy Adams, Viola Davis and, of course, Philip Seymour Hoffman. And, frankly, whenever we get to the point that Mr. Hoffman starts getting Oscar nominations for simply appearing on the call sheet, we'll be happy campers. [Starz, 2:05 p.m.]

Wednesday: Notorious
And you wonder why theaters owners are angry with movie studios. Notorious (not the Alfred Hitchcock classic) was released back on January 16 and it's already airing on cable. We remember when it was two years before we could watch new movies on our couch, now it happens in a matter of months! Regardless, the surprise of Notorious—a boilerplate biopic about the life and death of Christopher "Notorious B.I.G." Wallace—is that despite many flaws and utter predictability, it's a blast to watch. Of course the performances are, en masse, ridiculous (kudos to Derek Luke for keeping a straight face while reading his lines as Puff Daddy), but director George Tillman Jr. more than makes up for that fact by keeping the soundtrack humming and the nostalgia pitched just right. Dare we say: this was one of the more satisfying movies we've seen this year. [Cinemax, 10 p.m.]

Thursday: The Squid and The Whale
After spending Thanksgiving with your crazy family, don't you want to indulge in some schadenfreude for dessert? Noah Baumbach's semi-autobiographical indie features such maddening family drama (mostly courtesy of Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney as the most passive aggressive parents this side of Williamsburg) that you'll forget any cutting remarks from your own parents by the time the credits roll. Of course, The Squid and The Whale works as more than just a therapy session; Mr. Daniels and Ms. Linney are fantastic and Jesse Eisenberg's performance proves that he was doing Michael Cera's shtick before Michael Cera became Michael Cera. [Sundance, 10 p.m.]

Friday: Bored to Death
Because it wouldn't be a holiday without a marathon, we'll happily plop down in front of the television for four hours on Black Friday to watch the first season of Bored to Death. We've highlighted this show before, but if you gave up on the comedy series—ostensibly about a hipster-turned-private detective (Jason Schwartzman, perfection) and his wacky adventures—you missed its transformation into one of the funniest shows on television. The later episodes of season one, free from the gimmicky premise, are quite hilarious; an amalgam of fantastic guest appearances (kudos to John Hodgman and Jenny Slate) and riveting supporting turns from Ted Danson and Zack Galifianakis. In a just world, the Emmy race for Best Supporting Actor in 2010 will come down to one of these two, and by a nose, we'd take Mr. Galifianakis. Between Bored to Death, The Hangover, his upcoming appearance in Up in the Air, and, yeah, even G-Force (that thing made bank), did anyone have a better 2009 than the hirsute funnyman? We don't think so. [HBO2, starting at 9 p.m.]

There is some wear on these treads—specifically with regards to Blair, who has been spinning her wheels in a swampy mess of weekly plotting and scheming for no real reason other than the script telling her to do so—but those breathlessly wailing about the demise of Gossip Girl couldn't have it more wrong. This is a teen show that sidestepped the pitfalls of sending its teens off to college by excising the one major problem with that situation: actually going to college! More adult than ever—must we direct you to Chuck Bass, who, as played by Ed Westwick, seems as weathered and worn as Don Draper after a two-day bender with hippie drifters—the "kids" on Gossip Girl have left high school behind to face some real world problems... like the ramifications of having a threesome! We won't spoil whom the three lovers in tonight's controversial ménage a trios are, but the episode title, "They Shoot Humphrey's, Don't They?," might give you a little hint at the identity of at least one participant. [The CW, 9 p.m.]

Tuesday: V
Say hello to Sean Hannity's favorite new show! We doubt the producers of V intended their silly science-fiction remake of the overly praised 1983 mini-series to be some bastion of right-wing ideology—at its heart, V is likely supposed to be play on post-9/11 fears and terrorism—but that's just what happened after the unintentionally hilarious pilot featured a charismatic alien leader talking about universal health care and preaching a message of hope. (No truth to the rumor that the V's, as they're called, come to earth by way of Kenya.) Politics aside, V is already much more entertaining than ABC's other "we wish this was actually Lost" series (that would be FlashForward which gets dumber by the week), simply because of Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell. As the F.B.I. agent trying to stop the alien takeover, Ms. Mitchell displays the same combination of chilled intelligence and beguiling warmth that she did as Juliet Burke. She's such a strong presence, that we actually worry what Lost will be like without her. [ABC, 8 p.m.]

Wednesday: Frost/Nixon
The 2008 Best Picture nominee you probably forgot existed, Frost/Nixon is perfectly adequate mainstream Oscar bait, until the denouement—a last meeting between disgraced former president Richard Nixon (Frank Langella, chewing scenery like a goat) and foppish television talking head David Frost (the sneaky amazing Michael Sheen) at Mr. Nixon's clandestine California home. It's in that quiet moment that Frost/Nixon transforms from a rote history lesson on the power of the media to full-fledged Greek tragedy. Say what you will about director Ron Howard, but sometimes he gets things exactly right. [Cinemax, 10 p.m.]

Thursday: Che
Cinemaphiles, take note! Che, Steven Soderbergh's four-hour biopic on the life of Ernesto "Che" Guevara, hits Sundance channel this week, meaning you can see the movie that nearly ended the acclaimed director's career; Mr. Soderbergh called it a "mistake from day one." As a film, Che isn't the home run you would hope for—the first half, entitled, The Argentine is infinitely stronger than the second, Guerilla-but as with all Soderbergh films, it is a work that becomes impossible to ignore. Benicio Del Toro does what you'd expect him to do as Che, but it's the wildly charismatic Demian Bichir (Weeds) who steals the show as Fidel Castro. The revolution never looked so good. [Sundance, 8 p.m.]

Friday: Smiley Face
A film starring Anna Faris and featuring appearances by John Krasinski (Jim Halpert!), Adam Brody (Seth Cohen!), John Cho (Harold!) and Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester!) should be hilarious. Too bad Smiley Face, Greg Araki's stoner comedy misadventure, falls short for long stretches, especially if you aren't stoned yourself. Still, give Smiley Face credit for one thing: you rarely (if ever) see a movie like this lead by a woman. Ms. Faris, however, appears in almost every scene and is all kinds of funny. If she's actually the female version of Ryan Reynolds, here's hoping there's a Reynolds-like breakout in her future. [Showtime, 4:15 a.m.]

Since Sunday nights are so crowded, you’ve probably let Bored to Death slip through the cracks. Good thing then for DVR and Monday night rebroadcasts! The HBO comedy, about a Brooklyn novelist-turned-private eye isn’t necessarily the funniest new show of the fall—that would be Community [Editor's note: Modern Family!]—but it’s certainly one of the most likeable. Blessed with a brilliant cast (Jason Schwartzman, Ted Danson, and Zack Galifianakis) and razor sharp writing (courtesy of novelist and creator Jonathan Ames), Bored to Death is a series you really ought to be watching… if you could only find room in your schedule. [HBO2, 9:30 p.m.]

Tuesday: Slumdog Millionaire
We’re not sure what’s more surprising: that Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture or that it’s already airing on cable. The Little Movie That Did was (in our humble opinion) the most over-rated and undeserving Academy Award winner since Crash, however that doesn’t mean there aren’t riches to behold within. Come for the paint-by-numbers-yet-crowd-pleasing story that can manipulate even the most hardened skeptic; stay for the closing dance number, which ranks as one of the most jubilant moments from last year. [HBO, 9 p.m.]

Wednesday: Beetlejuice
Halloween is still a couple of weeks away, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a jump on the season with some classic Tim Burton-lead weirdness. Beetlejuice is that rare commodity: a great movie from our childhood that remains great to this day. We have Michael Keaton to thank for that, of course. He’s so caustic, angry and fantastic in the titular role, that we wish he would come out of whatever Witness Protection Program he’s been hiding in for the past few years. [ABC Family, 8 p.m.]

Thursday: Parks and Recreation
For those of you who stuck with Parks and Recreation after a lackluster first season, you’ve been rewarded during season two. Everything about the show—from the writing to the performances—has gotten exponentially better. The key has been distancing the proceedings from The Office in both tone and execution, while simultaneously allowing the fantastic cast a chance to breathe. And, oh what a cast! We’d put Amy Poehler, Aziz Ansari, Rashida Jones, Paul Schneider, Nick Offerman and Aubrey Plaza up against the denizens of Dunder Mifflin and 30 Rockefeller Plaza any day of the week and twice on Thursday. [NBC, 8:30 p.m.]

Friday: Defending Your Life
You might not think that Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep would have great chemistry together, but that just means you probably haven’t seen Defending Your Life. Mr. Brooks’ ode to the afterlife is a twisted little sweet-and-sour romantic comedy made all the better because Ms. Streep has an absolute ball playing the pinnacle of shiksa perfection. If you’ve always thought Mr. Brooks was like a sunnier version of Woody Allen, Defending Your Life will do nothing to dissuade you from that opinion. [Starz, 9:25 a.m.]

Tuesday: Marley & Me
Get out the Kleenex! With nearly $145 million in domestic grosses, it’s clear that moviegoers shed many tears thanks to this weepy, blonde-highlighted adaptation of John Grogan’s bestseller last Christmas. We’re not here to rain on that parade—after all the dogs are almost as cute as Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston—but rather to marvel at the fact that something so mainstream was co-written for the screen by Don Roos and Scott Frank, the men behind The Opposite of Sex and Out of Sight, respectively. We guess you have to pay the bills somehow, right fellas? [HBO, 9 p.m.]

Wednesday: Miller’s Crossing
The Coen Brothers’ Prohibition-era gangland epic doesn’t have the awards pedigree that Fargo or No Country for Old Men might (staggeringly, it garnered zero nominations back in 1990), but we’ll still go ahead and call Miller’s Crossing their best movie. From the rat-tat-tat script to the impeccable cast (career-best performances from Gabriel Byrne, Albert Finney, Marcia Gay Harden and John Turturro) to Carter Burwell’s hauntingly authentic score, Miller’s Crossing doesn’t let go until the finale. And it actually has a finale! Not that we’re still bitter about No Country for Old Men or anything… [Fox Movie Channel, 8 p.m.]

Thursday: 30 Rock
Does anyone remember laughter? Yes, actually. A funny thing happened in the time that 30 Rock has been off the air between seasons three and four: sitcoms got good again! From Community to Parks & Recreation to Modern Family (though we’re still not sure what everyone sees in this one [Editor's note: we see that it is awesome], it seems like the grasp that Tina Fey’s baby has on the title of “television’s funniest comedy” is under fire. Don’t be too concerned though. With—among other season premiere subplots—Jenna (Jane Krakowski) getting an “image makeover” and Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) leading a page strike, we’re sure 30 Rock will leave us lizzing. [NBC, 9:30 p.m.]

Friday: Ugly Betty
As if you needed more proof that Friday night is where television shows go to die, allow us to introduce you to Southland, which NBC canceled last week before it even aired. Ouch. With that said, we wouldn’t get too attached to Ugly Betty. The series, formerly a hit, switches to Friday nights this season and gives Betty a new look (no braces!). Moves like those are usually steps one and two in the path to cancelation, but maybe Betty will break the trend. Nah, probably not. [ABC, 8 p.m.]

Monday: Trauma
Not to be confused with Mercy, here comes Trauma. This new NBC series—which has the snazziest ad campaign of the fall (non-Man Men edition)—eschews whiny nurses for tough-as-nails EMT workers and hopes to give action junkies a boost of adrenaline. Of course, that all sounds perfectly generic, but remember: Peter Berg is an executive producer, and, in addition to shepherding Friday Night Lights, he’s also the man behind such films as The Kingdom. The guy knows how to blow stuff up real good. [NBC, 9 p.m.]

Tuesday: Choke
As a movie, Choke is scattered and messy, which given that it’s an adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk’s scattered and messy novel should be expected. But as a study of the genius that is Sam Rockwell, it’s focused and brilliant. Mr. Rockwell preens and mugs, all herky jerks and fits of motion. He’s a virtuoso here, every bit as mesmerizing as a Young Robert De Niro. (That he’s playing Mr. De Niro’s son in the upcoming Everything’s Fine is not an irony lost on us.) And, hey, if all of that doesn’t float your boat, at least stick around for the final scenes, which get underscored by Radiohead’s “Reckoner.” [More Max, 9 p.m.]

Wednesday: Modern Family
Frankly, we’re a little concerned that we didn’t go head-over-heels for the debut of Modern Family. The new ABC familial comedy—think: a castrated version of Arrested Development—received some of the best reviews of the fall (our esteemed colleague even loved it!) but when we sat down to watch it last Wednesday, our apartment was stricken with an infestation of crickets. What are we missing? The ratings were huge in week one, so we’ll give this one another shot, on the off chance that it becomes the kind of zeitgeist-y hit that we simply have to be watching. But we’re skeptical… [ABC, 8 p.m.]

Thursday: My Cousin Vinny
Many times, the movies you found hilarious as a kid, don’t hold up when you become an adult. That’s not the case here. My Cousin Vinny is just as funny now as it was—hold onto your butts—17 years ago. (Where has the time gone!) Joe Pesci won his Oscar for Goodfellas, but we’d call My Cousin Vinny his tour-de-force. As the titular cousin, he’s frantic, foul and utterly hilarious, blessed with brilliant comic timing and a streak of New York bitterness. It doesn’t hurt that he’s surrounded by a top-notch supporting cast: the late Fred Gwynne, the late Lane Smith, Ralph Macchio and Marissa Tomei, who, of course, actually did win her Oscar for My Cousin Vinny. Somewhere, Vanessa Redgrave is still smarting over that loss. [Encore, 3 a.m.]

Friday: Atonement
Occasionally, it’s hard to separate an actor from a role. Take Saoirse Ronan. The teenage starlet is so unctuous and horrible as the busybody sister, Briony, in Atonement, we can’t think of her doing anything else. This doesn’t bode well for Peter Jackson’s The Lovely Bones, where she’ll play the murdered protagonist, but it works to her advantage here. The adaptation Ian McEwan’s novel is gorgeous—director Joe Wright and his cinematographer Seamus McGarvey make sure of that—but without Ms. Ronan, it wouldn’t have such a biting edge. [@Max, 5 p.m.]

Monday: How I Met Your Mother
Is Monday night the new Thursday night? Tonight brings the season premiere of House, a new Gossip Girl, a two-hour Heroes (yep, that show is still on the air) and the launching of the CBS Monday night comedy block, which includes the series premiere of Jenna Elfman’s Accidentally on Purpose. Phew! Us? We’ll be watching Gossip Girl at 9 p.m., natch [Ed note: But some of us will be watching House]. But before that, we’ll definitely tune in to the season premiere of How I Met Your Mother. We aren’t even sure whether to call the comedy a cult hit anymore—after all, tonight marks the start of season five—but it still feels like less people watch this than they should (this despite the fact that every person we know counts it as one of their favorites.) Come on, folks! What are you waiting for? [CBS, 8 p.m.]

Tuesday: North by Northwest
Our favorite Alfred Hitchcock film manages to be his most accessible. You know the story, but in brief: Everyman extraordinaire Cary Grant gets mistaken for a spy and away we go; cue a cross country chase that culminates on Mount Rushmore. What we’re always amazed by whenever we watch North by Northwest is how it manages to be so thoroughly modern. Whereas some old movies don’t hold up, this one feels like it could be released today and become a huge hit. [TCM, 8 p.m.]

Wednesday: Mercy
Apparently 2009 is the Year of the Nurse. Who knew? We have yet to see Mercy, but from the promos it feels like the new series will to slot itself somewhere in between the darkness of Nurse Jackie and the treacle of HawthoRNe. Nurse Veronica Callahan (Taylor Schilling) has just returned from a tour of duty in Iraq and—wouldn’t you know it—she’s the only person at Mercy Hospital that actually knows what they’re doing! We can’t say we’re all that interested in Mercy, but that it features Michelle Trachtenberg—as the naïve young nurse—makes us take notice. Still, truth be told, we hope Mercy gets canceled, just so Ms. Trachtenberg can become a full-time cast member on Gossip Girl before the year is out. Georgina Sparks forever! [NBC, 8 p.m.]

Thursday: Grey’s Anatomy
Speaking of bad doctor soap operas: Grey’s Anatomy is back! The show you love to hate returns with a two-hour season premiere that will feature the official death of George O’Malley (T.R. Knight, probably happy for the first time in three years) and the recovery of Izzie Stevens (Katherine Heigl, probably still hating every second she has to spend working on Grey’s). With Ellen Pompeo pregnant, and, Ms. Heigl and Patrick Dempsey taking off for episodes at a time to star in movies, expect this season to be a transitional one. Whether Grey’s can become the next ER—forever regenerating its sprawling cast—rests solely on what happens this year. [ABC, 9 p.m.]

Friday: Gangs of New York
The most disappointing news of the fall? That Paramount shifted the Martin Scorsese-Leonardo DiCaprio thriller Shutter Island from its October release date to February. Boo! Now where are we supposed to get our Scorsese/DiCaprio fix? We’ll just have to settle for Gangs of New York instead, which isn’t as good as The Departed and isn’t as bad as The Aviator in the Scorsese/DiCaprio oeuvre. Them aside, the real star here is Daniel Day-Lewis (would you expect anything less?). As the villain, aptly named Bill the Butcher, Mr. Day-Lewis does Daniel Plainview-before-Daniel Plainview, stomping and chomping scenery like a Method Godzilla; he’s brilliant, even if the movie never actually reaches that height. [IFC, 2:45 a.m.]

Monday: The Golden Girls
Thank you for being a friend! If it’s Labor Day Monday, that means it’s time for television marathons, and we’ll certainly take a pass by WE to catch a bit of The Golden Girls. Starting at 1 p.m., you can catch dozens of episodes back-to-back (hence the title “marathon”) and remind yourself that Betty White was funny way before she stole every scene in The Proposal this summer. [WE, starting at 1 p.m.]

Tuesday: 90210
We’d venture to say that the behind-the-scenes drama surrounding the first season of 90210 was more compelling than what wound up onscreen. To wit: The reboot actually rebooted itself midseason! If the final episodes of season one were any indication, this new new version will be less inclined to care about the nostalgia of the original series (less Brenda and Kelly!) and more interested in TMZ-ready scandal. Between 90210 and the new Melrose Place (premiering afterward at 9 p.m.), the CW has made it certain that you’ll want to close Tuesday nights with a long shower to cleanse yourself of the sleaze. [the CW, 8 p.m.]

Wednesday: Glee
If you haven't heard about Glee yet, we hope you aren't missing the cool shade of the rock you've been sleeping under. Hasn't the push for Glee been unrelenting? Since the airing of the pilot in May, not a week has gone by when we haven’t heard something about the new Fox series, a quasi-musical about the trials and tribulations of a high school glee club. While conspiracy theorists posit that Fox showing Glee in lieu of Barack Obama’s address to Congress (airing on all the major networks Wednesday night) is because of their Republican leanings, we’re pretty sure they had no choice. They’ve put too much into Glee to have its premiere shifted because of something insignificant like the fate of the health care industry in America. [Fox, 9 p.m.]

Thursday: Deep Blue Sea
Smart sharks! The premise of Deep Blue Sea—something having to do with scientists genetically engineering the brains of mako sharks to help cure Alzheimer’s (seriously)—is as ridiculous as the pastiche cast, which features LL Cool J, Thomas Jane, Saffron Burrows, Michael Rapaport, Stellan Skarsgard and Samuel L. Jackson, who meets his maker in one of the most shocking death scenes ever filmed. (Oh, um, spoiler! Whatever, people, this thing came out 10 years ago, and the statute of limitations have long passed.)  [SyFy, 9 p.m.]

Friday: Jay-Z: Live from Madison Square Garden: Answer the Call
In honor of September 11 (and to promote his new album, The Blueprint III, which conveniently comes out the same day) Jay-Z will be performing at Madison Square Garden and Fuse is kind enough to air the concert you definitely couldn’t afford to see live. Having heard Hova’s latest—it leaked onto the Internet last week—we’re pumped. While “Run This Town” might be the big single as of now, don’t think you won’t be downloading “Empire State of Mind” before this night is through. That song will be the anthem of the fall. [Fuse, 9 p.m.]