Joey Adams Jr.’s N.Y.C. Sex Jokes
There are so many strip clubs in N.Y.C. that the Mayor has declared alternate-side-of-the-street lap dancing.…
It’s Presidents’ Day-everybody gets an intern! …
Forget Heather Has Two Mommies . Now the kids in N.Y.C. have to read The President Has a Girlfriend ….
George Pataki the lover is a lot like George Pataki the politician. He takes an unimaginative position and he sticks to it ….
These two nuns go to the Bronx Zoo. They’re watching a couple of baboons making love. One nun says, “I wish I could do that.” Other nun says, “So go ask if you can join in.” …
Boy, are these politicians horny. The other day Chuck Schumer and Mark Green were seen pumping the flesh in midtown!
He’s Mr. Bull Market! Phil Potter Rides Again
Philip Potter is the 25-year-old broker who cooperated with a small New York Times article that portrayed him as a baby Master of the Universe. Young Mr. Potter boasted that he had purchased a 50-inch TV set, a $3,500 Rolex watch, $800 suits and an $800 cellular phone. His employer-Morgan Stanley, Dean Witter, Discover & Company-was apparently shocked to be employing a materialist and sent the lad packing 24 hours after the Times article ran.
Everyone on Wall Street assumed that Mr. Potter was finished in this town. Bankers phoned bankers to gleefully discuss Mr. Potter’s hubris and to sigh with relief that they were not in his $200 shoes. A minion at BT Alex. Brown Inc. pinned the Times article on his cubicle wall to remind himself not to grow too proud. Traders prank-called Mr. Potter. They asked if they could bid on his 50-inch TV or Rolex.
But like the seemingly endless bull market that gets knocked down only to get up again, Mr. Potter is back. He started working at Bear Stearns & Company in the beginning of ’98. And he’s no longer a mere associate, as he was at Morgan Stanley; nay, Bear Stearns liked his chutzpah and made him a vice president in its private-client services division. “He’s one of us now,” said Bear Stearns general counsel Mark Lehman, “and he’s doing a fine job.”
The Monica Diaries
Excerpts from several hundred loose pages, wrapped in brown paper and tied with string, which were dumped on The Observer’s front stoop and labeled, “The atached (sic) is my story, the story of a white house intirn (sic) in my own words, not that bitch Linda. ML.”
Oct. 12, 1996, 11:15 P.M.
dear diary,
Nancy wants me to come over monday and watch MP [presumably, the TV drama , Melrose Place -ed.] and I feel all conflicted cause Tracey told me how Nancy told her she thinks I’m a total bitch and that I’m conceeded about my looks and great job and my feelings are, like, why doesn’t Tracey just like look in the mirror -hel-lo!-and maybe she’ll see who’s the b-i-t-c-h!!! Also I lent nancy my black pumps last year and she’s never given them back!!! so now do i ask her for the pumps back and maybe cause a situation , or do i go out and buy new pumps?? ….saw ellen at the mall after that and she goes on and on about her bitch of a sister and i wish i was strong enough to tell ellen to tell her sister to bug off ! after the mall i stopped by the white house and gave the President a BJ (no swallowing) …
Oct. 19, 1996, 11:30 P.M.
dear diary,
nancy and i are now like totally close. i get over there to watch MP and there the pumps are, i mean like on her feet , so what am i supposed to do because maybe she’s like sending me a secret unconscience signal, like, she wants me to say something, so on the first commercial i’m like hey nancy nice shoes and she’s like omigod, omigod , these are like your shoes aren’t they and i’m like you could say that and we cried and hugged and things are sooooo much better now.… so i called Big C and he said Mrs C and Little C were looking at colleges and so i asked if he wants it over the phone and he’s like yeah and so i do it but then when i hear him start to get all emotional and talking about the mysteries of the flesh and that crap i’m just like, puh-leeze !
Nov. 3, 1996, 11:45 P.M.
dear diary,
God i want to like die!!! so yesterday was Janet’s party? the one i’ve been so totally looking forward to? Because i am just slightly very much in total lust with janet’s brother Tom? so i got my short black dress the one with the fur cuffs back from the cleaners and it’s 5 PM and i’m drying my hair and the phone rings and wouldn’t you know it’s the Big He and he’s like Come over I need you and i’m like i can’t there’s this party and he’s not hearing , you know, he’s like, I neeeed you, i can’t get you out of my head, so i’m thinking he sounds pathetic, so i say Ok i’ll come over after the party and he’s like No, no, no, no that will be too late, i need you now , and for some dumb reason i’m like, Ok, so i do my makeup and put on my black dress and i will just have to get a cab from WH to the party and i go to WH and he’s there in his office and sudenly he’s like kissing me and telling me how much he cares about me and he’s pushing meanwhile me down and he’s got his thingy out so i go down and say better make it quick i have this party and he’s like i know i know i’ll have a car get you to the party and wouldn’t you know he like pulls his thingy out and he spooges all over the collar of my dress and i’m like holy shit and i say why why why did you do that, you ruined my dress and i have the party and i’m crying a little and he seems to sinceerly feel bad and he’s zipping up and being like sorry god i’m sorry i’m selfish i’m bad and doing what he always does which is grab for his friggin bible and then he says dont move i’ll be right back so i like wipe off the spooge with a napkin that says president on it and i see the clock the party’s already started and some slut has probably got tom by now and then he bursts back in and he’s holding this, like, thoroughly heinus dress all flowery and dopey laura ashley and i’m like hel-lo , what is that? and he’s like it’s one of chelsea’s dresses it will fit you quick put it on and i’m like are you friggin nuts i am not putting that crap on my body and he’s like well suit yourself and i do calculations and realize that it’s either me at the party in that ugly dress or no party so i say Ok, and i put it on and can’t really even button it all the way and he’s like saying he needs to be at this big meeting and i say will you get my black dress cleaned and he’s like no it would arouse people’s minds and he hands me like $5 and says it will pay for it and i didn’t bother to argue and next thing i’m standing on P ave and there’s no cabs and i’m in this loser dress and of course when i get to the party tom is nowhere in sight which might be good cause if he saw me in that dress he’d be like see ya …
To Be Continued.
