What DiCaprio Said

Did you hear the one about Leonardo DiCaprio? It seems that about three years ago, when he was still practically a boy, the Titanic dreamboat played a big role in a little independent movie called Don’s Plum . It was a little black-and-white experimental picture. Kind of like a really nasty, really slow version of Swingers , mixed with that Léos Carax stinker Boy Meets Girl , except the poseurs in this movie look even younger. Actually, it’s more like an extended version of those Calvin Klein commercials, with the hipsters standing there mumbling nonsense.

Mr. DiCaprio and his friends got to improvise a lot of their lines. The characters talk and talk and talk-to each other over coffee and cigarettes, or else in soliloquies to the bathroom mirror.

Now, Mr. DiCaprio and one of his co-stars in Don’s Plum , Tobey Maguire, who went on to have a nice role in The Ice Storm , are trying to block distribution of the movie, according to a $10 million lawsuit filed recently in Los Angeles County Superior Court by its producer, David Stutman. The two young hunks made sure the film was not shown during last year’s Sundance Film Festival, and they also chased away Miramax Films, which was interested in buying it, according to the suit.

The publicist for the two young men said they did the movie as a “favor to a friend” under “the express agreement that it would never be exhibited as a feature-length motion picture.” Mr. Stutman, for his part, has said that Messrs. DiCaprio and Maguire approached him with the idea for the movie; furthermore, court papers state, Mr. DiCaprio “jumped out of his seat several times, laughing, clapping and high-fiving his friends” when he saw Don’s Plum at a screening.

So what did Mr. DiCaprio-sorry, Mr. DiCaprio’s character-say in his improvised lines? We watched the movie and copied down 20 cute remarks that show why Don’s Plum could sink lover boy’s image:

(1) “Do you girls masturbate at all?” (2) “You rub yourself on a f–ing teddy bear?” (3) “You should have sent her back to sea, bro. That chick is fat . She’s like f–ing a little tank walking by, bro.” (4) “You f–ing squatty piece-of-sh-t hippie c–!” (5) “Stop looking at me like that, I’ll f–ing throw a bottle at your face, you goddamn whore!” (6) “Get out of here, you slut bitch!” (7) “I got my girlfriend off on a zucchini and that got me off.” (8) “You have four orgasmic spots in your a—; that’s why gay guys f– like rabbits.” (9) “F– you, bro, for being a poor guy who wears the same f–ing shirt every week.” (10) “F– you for having that voice.” (11) “F– you for being a 30-year-old f–ing gay fag with crystal blue eyes who probably has a vibrator at home and probably reads f–ing Playgirl .” (12) “You have big tits?” (13) “Did you f– her, dude?” (14) “Your f–in’ pubes are showing.” (15) “I’m here, you came to me, you wanted to f–, all right? And now you’re not giving it up, so get the f– out of here! Get out of here! I don’t like you, you f–in’ redhead. Now leave!” (16) “Girls make me sick-please leave!” (17) “Get the f– out of here, all right? You disgust me. Please, you’re a whore. You’re a whore, go, go, go. Please leave. Come on with this dramatic bull–.” (18) “Don’t laugh, you stupid bitch!” (19) “You’re a funny mother–er, bro.” (20) “I’m gettin’ no love, no action tonight. I can’t take this sh-, bro.”

-George Gurley

The Monica Diaries

Continued excerpts from several hundred loose pages, wrapped in brown paper and tied with string, which were dumped on The Observer ‘s front stoop and labeled, “The atached (sic) is my story, the story of a white house intirn (sic) in my own words, not that bitch Linda. ML.”

August 29, 1997, 11:07 P.M.

dear diary,

life keeps getting weirder and im losing patients … the Big Creep has decided to like majorly blow me off so today i show up at WH but Betty’s like He’s real busy Monica but I will tell him you stopped by and Im like Well Betty I will just wait for him and I sit down and Betty gives me this look and says Monica its really best if you leave and i cant help it i actually start to cry and i dont want Creepo to see me that way so I say Fine Betty please have Fuckface call me and i stomp out and outside i see one of Creepo’s limos and i flip because i think i see my mom in the back but i realize its the stress and my eyes are blurry anyway from crying and anyway Mom is not coming to town till tomorrow which means i gotta call that dumb maid to come clean and i have to buy new marguerita mix …

August 30, 1997, 11:39 P.M.

dear diary,

well Mom says she is worried about me and wants me to see this new shrink next week and im like What- ever …

September 2, 1997, 11:15 P.M.

dear diary,

at lunch i left pentogon to drive to see this new shrink and the waiting room smells like cigars and the door opens and i go Whoa because that Carvel guy that looks like a lizard and hangs with Big Creep walks out quick like he doesnt see me and i figure this must be a fancy shrink if the Carvel guy is seeing him and the shrink comes out and he’s like Hello, Monica and its this chubby guy who looks real familiar wearing a dark blazer and way tacky black turtleneck and hes like Wont you come in? and its dark with big leather chairs and a couch and he says Would you like some tea and he brings me some tea that tastes gross and he’s like Your mother is worried about you, and Im like, What else is new? and he laughs and says mothers tend to worry too much and Im like Oooh, big newsflash, and he says, But nevertheless a persons young 20’s are a hard time because the pressures of life make their imaginations run wild, and Im like Uh-huh, and im feeling weird from the tea and hes like Why dont you tell me about you , are you dating anyone special? and Im like Well I assume Mom told you I am the Presidents girlfriend? and he’s like Ah yes, she did mention you were under that impression, and Im like, Well its no impression bucko its the real love , and hes like Monica its a known fact that children of divorce are suskeptical to fantasies about father figures that their minds can create a whole relashunship that is not real and Im like Well my boyfriends not the figure of my imagination hes the President and the shrink just sits there and everything feels dizzy and the shrink says Ok Monica, lets start again, Why dont you tell me about you, are you dating anyone special? and Im like Hel- lo? Earth to doc? I am dating … the … President? and he sighs and Im feeling way sleepy and then the shrink says, Ok, lets start again, Why dont you tell me about you, are you dating anyone special? and then i cant remember what he said next because the next thing i know its after dark and im at home in my bed and i get up and Mom is in the living room watching ET and shes like Oh, you’re up sleepyhead-would you like Chinese? and im like, Sure but Mom how did i get here? and shes like, Dont be silly sweetums you drove home like you always do.

What DiCaprio Said