From: The Office of Strategic Summer Vacation Planning.
To: Office of the President.
Re: Your Weekend in “The Hamptons.”
Mr. President:
This memo will serve as a follow-up to our discussions regarding your proposed trip to “The Hamptons,” currently scheduled for July 31-August 2, 1998.
As per your request, it reflects the input you requested from the D.O.J. (Department of Justice), the Democratic National Committee, the F.B.I., C.I.A., E.P.A., I.C.M., Harry Thomason and David Geffen.
Issue 1: Transportation. Addressing the “Westhampton” Problem.
As you are aware, our initial planning called for your arrival in “The Hamptons” via Air Force One, utilizing the large airport at Westhampton Beach.
However, as a result of your conversations with the fashion designers Donna Karan and Calvin Klein (wherein Ms. Karan was said to sagely advise, “Westhampton!?!? Are you out of your f–ing mind??!?! Nobody who’s anybody flies into Westhampton,” while Mr. Klein offered a somewhat more reserved “… Westhampton? I don’t think so”), we have subsequently pursued the following alternatives:
(1) Although a half-dozen media moguls have offered private jets, the D.O.J. has advised (and we’re paraphrasing Janet Reno here), “Don’t press your luck, pal.”
(2) While the “Hampton Jitney” still has a limited number of reserved seats available for the weekend, Mrs. Clinton rejected this option, commenting: “Who do I look like, Tipper Gore? I’ve taken my last bus ride. Ever.”
(3) Following your “hot tip” about a “secret 747 landing field” at a property known locally as the “The Creeks,” a C.I.A. satellite overflew the site last Thursday. Although the 747 runway was not found, we did discover six nuclear submarine bays and 24 ground-based missile installations, which Mr. Ron Perelman assures us are strictly for his “personal security.” (Note to Madeline Albright: Does this violate Salt II?)
(4) Along similar lines, we followed up on a report that a local entrepreneur-a Mr. Jerry Della Femina-has “an ego the size of an aircraft carrier.” While this has now been confirmed (Mr. Della Femina’s ego was clearly visible from the C.I.A. spy satellite), East Hampton town Democrats have asked us not to “feed it.”
Resolution: At present, we continue to search for an alternative landing site to Westhampton Beach, keeping in mind you want “the full Hamptons experience,” short of sitting in a motorcade on the Long Island Expressway for six hours.
Issue 2: Schedule of Events. Solving “The Golf Problem.”
Along with fund-raisers scheduled at the homes of Alec Baldwin and Bruce Wasserstein, we have accepted a Mort Zuckerman’s invitation to “throw” a baseball game for you, and have confirmed your desire to visit the local food museum (“Loaves & Fishes”), where you will view what are described as “priceless locally grown and crafted food artifacts.”
Additionally, because of the heated nature of a local golf course controversy (environmentalists versus golf club developers in Amagansett), we agree that it’s best to avoid the topic, and the game altogether.
Therefore, we’ve implemented your suggestion, and have arranged for the Department of Defense to begin seeding clouds over Long Island immediately, which should result in five to seven inches of rain this weekend. (Note: Bruce Lindsey is determining whether this will come out of the White House budget or the D.N.C.)
Issue 3: Security.
At present, the Secret Service has alerted us to two areas of concern:
(1) The possibility of armed conflict and/or territorial skirmishes between security forces employed by Donald Trump, Steven Spielberg and Ronald Perelman. To prevent this, we’ve contacted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and asked if he can broker a peace to stop the infighting between these warring factions of Mossad.
(2) Martha Stewart. As you may be aware, in 1997 Ms. Stewart was alleged to have attacked a local workman with a two-ton, four-wheel-drive vehicle. Although no charges were filed, and the allegations were never proven, the Secret Service has advised we take no chances. Thus, if Ms. Stewart approaches you with anything longer than a frilly cocktail toothpick, our agents have been authorized to subdue her with “all force necessary.”
Issue 4: Talking Points.
Some additional do’s and don’ts for your weekend among the glitterati:
(1) Remember to take Alec Baldwin seriously. Sure, he’s an actor. But stranger things have emerged from Long Island, most notably, Alfonse D’Amato.
(2) It’s probably best not to inquire if “anyone can set you up on a pitch meeting with Tina Brown,” after the next election (especially since Jeff Katzenberg has already begun inquiring about the right of first refusal on your services).
(3) Do not look at any piece of local architecture and remark “What the hell is that? What were they thinking? You mean somebody actually paid for that thing?” Chances are the person who paid for it will be within earshot at one of your fund-raising events.
(4) It’s probably not in your best interests to repeat the joke “wondering where the AAMCO transmission dealers sat at Barbra Streisand’s wedding” to AAMCO transmission spokesperson James Brolin. As you are aware, they sat at the same table with your brother.
(5) If asked about “Mike and Diane” (the teenagers offering up their virginity live on the Internet), please do not reply, “I don’t know. I suppose I’ll just have to point my browser in their direction.”
(6) Under no circumstances are you to go near Gibson Beach in Sagaponack. Known locally as “Media Beach” (lined with Condé Nast babes and CBS producerettes trolling for trouble in the sand). A stroll here could be far more dangerous for you than anything depicted in the first 25 minutes of Saving Private Ryan .
(7) And speaking of Mr. Spielberg: In the event he makes time to see you, please don’t start the conversation again by saying: “Hey, Stevie. I’ve got this wacky idea for a film. It’s about this guy. He’s President. It’s not about me, but he’s President. And he’s being chased by this crazed Special Prosecutor.” (Note: Although Mr. Spielberg passed on the idea, you still may want to try this on Tina Brown at some future date.)
(8) Again, remember to take Alec Baldwin seriously. If his political aspirations come to naught, and you truly do end up with a development deal at Dreamworks in the year 2001, you want to make sure Mr. Baldwin will still take your calls.
(9) At the fund-raising parties, please refrain from surveying the well-toned bodies on the lawn, swirling your drink in your hand, taking a sip, then asking: “So which one is Candace Bushnell?”
(10) However, if you are interested in settling some scores-engaging in a little payback on members of the media elite-just walk up to any middle-aged journalist, look him (or her) deeply in the eyes, and remark: “I feel your pain. I was shocked-just stunned-that I didn’t see your name on the short list to become editor of The New Yorker .”
