Au revoir Baywatch . Natural bosoms are poised for a comeback this summer. The fake rack of the late 1990’s is starting to look tired-and style considerations aside, aren’t you girls getting sick of knocking yourselves unconscious every time you run to catch a taxi? So hurry up and get rid of your implants before Memorial Day-you have only eight working days left.
Cartwheeling fashion barometer Betsey Johnson has just relinquished her ersatz boobs. As recently announced on Page Six, one of Betsey’s implants mysteriously disappeared: “It was like someone popped the soufflé!” The fortuitous accident afforded Betsey the undreamed-of opportunity to compare her fake super-vixen bosom with the original.
“I looked at my fake hooter and it just looked creepy and phony,” she told me. “The big boob has become a competitive tool.…What’s chic about that? Nothing!
“I remember the days when small tits were considered sexy and hip. All the girls I worked with in the 1960’s-Edie Sedgwick, Peggy Moffitt-I didn’t make a bust dart for years,” said Ms. Johnson. “Those chicks were all young, sexy and beautiful, and they all had small knockers.”
I concur wildly with Betsey on this matter, but then I’m just a poofy fashion commentator and window dresser. What about the horny hetero males for whose delectation breast augmentation is apparently undertaken?
Betsey again: “My man is a T&A guy, but he likes my new bosoms. Looking sexy is about posture and pride. Carry yourself like a proud girl-now that’s sexy.”
The North Fork of Long Island-Greenport, Southold, etc.-is not very happening. Precisely why you should check it out.
There is no shortage of motels: The Greenporter (631-477-0066) is located within staggering distance of the Greenport train station and town center with its marvy thrift shops, movie theater and carousel. Double rooms are $90 per night. Ask for room 27 or 28.
If you want to be on the beach, pay a bit more and stay at the Silver Sands (631-477-0011), where $150 per night buys you a blast of pink and turquoise Americana.
If you’re the type who travels with a scented candle or a can of drape-freshening (“safely cleans away odors on fabrics”) Febreze-i.e., middle-class and prissy, i.e., me-then you should probably jump on the ferry to Shelter Island and stay at the only hip hotel on the North or South Fork Andre Balazs’ Sunset Beach Hotel (631-749-2001). Rates are approximately $160 to $380 a night.
If the Sunset Beach is too groovy or too expensive, try the adjacent Pridwin (631-749-0476). Enjoy major Dirty Dancing realness: cookouts, deer ticks and general shenanigans.
Don’t sit for hours in traffic on the L.I.E. feeling like an extra in that old Jean-Luc Godard movie Weekend (rent it from Kozmo.com). Get off the freeway and avail yourself of some Long Island realness, specifically the (magnificent) North Shore Steak House.
Take the Great Neck exit (#33), and head north (or left) until you hit Northern Boulevard. Take a right and then a left and you should be in the parking lot. This unspoiled eatery has had a profound effect: My bloke and I can no longer eat in trendy New York restaurants.
The food is “old-school grill”-discreet ingredients, simply prepared, not cheap but well worth it. I recommend any fish dish and Jonny swears by the delicious T-bone, which is the size of a donkey’s leg. The decor is “dining room” basic-the antithesis of Philippe Starck.
The exuberant style of the upper-middle-class clientele is sheer heaven ! The art of dressing for dinner is alive and well and tucking in at the N.S.S.H.: lacquered hair and lots of jewelry-and that’s just the men. The glamorous women make Linda Richmond from Saturday Night Live’ s “Coffee Talk” look like Mary Tyler Moore in Ordinary People .
Call ahead (516-482-3133). Otherwise you might oblige Noreen to seat you in the cocktail bar for up to an hour.
Don’t dick around when buying a swimsuit. If you are 16 and gorgeous, then wear a crochet bikini (Delphina crochet bikinis are $155 in pink, aqua or green at the new Barneys Co-op at 236 West 18th Street). If you’re not-and I think we both know you’re not-then you need a simple, severe, expertly cut swimsuit, one that will organize your current assets as did the foundation garments of yore.
Buy your swimsuit from a maker with a proven history in design and construction: Calvin Klein knows about swimwear because he knows about undies and bras, and $75 to $100 buys you an amazing fit.
Wolford, with its knowledge of synthetic yarns and hosiery construction, creates pricey swimsuits that lift and separate flesh and internal organs into a pleasing whole. The niftiest design is the Capri one-piece with the cunning, waist-emphasizing, contrast edging, $210 at Wolford stores.
Summer is the time to look a little less wholesome than usual. Release it!
Ipanema your way down the beach in a tie-dyed fringed suede skirt, worn over that swimsuit, by Brazilian designer Patricia Viera, available at Scoop and Barneys Co-op for $350. The four-inch fringe is cut to swing so that when you walk it’s like a samba … when you pass by, each guy will go, “Love that skirt!”
The Ivy League, preppy, sweater-round-the-shoulders, smelly Top-Siders look for men is, let’s face it, a big downer. Get your bloke a Badda Bing wife-beater tank top from Bang Bang for $19.95. This guido-ish garment has The Sopranos strip-club logo emblazoned across the chest.
Bijoux Way at 75 West 38th Street has the best beach jewelry-think Sharon Stone in Casino . Think 1970’s Bulgari, heavy “gold” bracelets studded with diamonds for $1. If you get mugged in the Jones Beach parking lot, give them away and buy more.
Alternatively, buy lots and sell them in the Jones Beach parking lot.