A Very Happy Daddy’s Day! DVDs , Constructed Bras

Father’s Day is usually a lugubrious kind of affair. A colleague told me that the only thing he ever got for Father’s Day was a lousy shirt-and-tie ice-cream cake from Baskin Robbins, “and the kids ate the fucking thing while I was upstairs unblocking the toilet.”

This June 18, surprise the old geezer with one or more of the following:

The remastered DVD of Deep Throat starring Linda Lovelace, available at ontapentertainment.com ($34.95). You’re an adult, so it’s O.K. to buy Dad something risqué. The “Interactive Menuing System” allows Dad to circumvent the turgid dialogue and jump right to the action.

Take Dad to see Jackie Mason in Much Ado About Everything ($25 to $55, 239-6200).

Buy Dad a Johnny Cash-esque black cowboy shirt from Cheap Jack’s (841 Broadway, 777-9564).

Drag Dad over to the new store of John Lobb, the snootiest shoemaker in London, which opened June 8, for custom Monaco boat shoes ($570, 680 Madison Avenue, 888- 9797).

Internet squillionnaire brats: Buy Dad an orylag-lined men’s duffle coat ($24,000, Fendi, 720 Fifth Avenue).

When your skin feels dry, dull, distressed and badly in need of hydration, you may be surprised to learn that the solution to your dermatological meltdown resides in a skin- and hair-care line named after a deformed Phrygian slave who roamed ancient Greece composing and reciting fables of morality. Yes, I’m talking about Aesop.

Though created at a nerve center in Melbourne, Australia, all the Aesop products smell more like erotic unguents from an Algerian brothel. The Fabulous Face Oil (“smear five to ten drops from forehead to cleavage each night”) is a Sheherazade-ish mixture of juniper berry, ylang-ylang and jasmine petal, and it really does have the power to hydrate crepey skin ($40 at Barneys, Aedes De Venustas, Jeffrey).

It also has the power to attract mosquitoes. I went for a bike ride after doing my cleavage and a cloud of them followed me down the street. Best used in tandem with Off!

Did you know that fashion designers actually dictate when store merchandise can be marked down, and that if retailers violate these edicts by slashing prices at their own discretion they get a metaphorical smacking on the backs of their legs with a stiff hairbrush.

Since designer clothing has become so grotesquely overpriced, I have no qualms about drawing your attention to the fact that it is now markdown time. In the olden days, sale time was for the less discerning client who was content with the season’s discounted dregs. Times have changed: It’s only June and there is still some great summer stuff to be had, which, at full price, was simply not worth the money. With these clothes at 25 percent off, I’m saying go for it. (OP=original price; SP=sale price.)

Saks Fifth Avenue: Gucci python print one-arm dress. (OP, $1,355; SP, $813.)

Bergdorf Goodman: Oscar de la Renta fuscia-plaid, strapless, silk-taffeta gown with train. (OP, $4,400; SP $2,639.)

Barneys: Michael Kors hand knit cashmere short-sleeve turtleneck. (OP, $825; SP, $495.)

Henri Bendel: Roberto Cavalli gem-encrusted jeans. (OP, $1,600; SP, $960.)

Jeffrey: Burberry cream leather trench. (OP, $2,425; SP, $1,818.) Robert Clergerie tapestry sandals. (OP, $365; SP, $274.)

Feel free to flaunt your bargains and mock those who paid through the nose.

Before you put on your mascara, fix yourself in the mirror with a penetrating gaze and say out loud, “I have very beautiful lashes.”

You will find that your mascara application (I recommend Revlon’s Lashful Curvaceous, $6.85) goes exceptionally well, and after a while, regardless of how ratty or sparse your lashes, you will brainwash yourself into believing that they’re da bomb.

I stole this beauty tip from an extraordinary Mike Leigh movie called Abigail’s Party (rent it from Kim’s Video, 144 Bleecker Street, 260-1010). The female lead lightly admonishes her gargoyle of a neighbor for the halfhearted application of her lip color and makes her promise to forever say, “I have very beautiful lips” before applying.

There is no limit to the use you can get from this self-esteem-augmenting tip: Before putting on your pantyhose, “I have very beautiful legs”; before inserting contact lenses, “I have very beautiful pupils”; etc.… If you think of a really good one e-mail it to me at simonsays@observer.com, and I will be happy to share it with other readers.

I’m irate about brassieres and so are the women of New York.

“Soft bras are the antichrist of the lingerie world. They’re supposed to be natural–what a joke–they mash your breasts into a mozzarella,” rants designer and lingerie lover Ann Ogden about the proliferation of sheer, flimsy intimate apparel.

I could not agree more: A brassiere needs to look like a brassiere and not a stretchy bikini top. A good bra is a masterpiece of construction and design not an overly elasticized one-piece cop-out– it has a job to do!

When buying an important fetishistic garment like a brassiere, it’s important to have a guiding iconic movie-image in your head, e.g., the opening scene of Psycho . Remember Janet Leigh lounging on the bed in a cheap hotel room having just availed herself of a lunchtime shag? She’s wearing a beautiful structured black brassiere. This is the only image to keep in mind when buying a bra.

Find a lingerie boutique where you can feel the feminine camaraderie of a high-class strip-joint dressing room, where thongs and brassieres are treated with breathy matter-of-factness. Manhattan is full of such places. Bagel Bob on University Place, is not one of them, but La Petite Coquette, right next door, is.

Rebecca Aspan, the proud maitresse of La Petite Coquette (473-2478), advocates “a bra which lifts up and thrusts forward–slightly padded–a little more expensive, but worth it! Remember, French women spend one-third of their income on lingerie.” If you are the down-at-heel concierge in an apartment building on the outskirts of Paris that probably adds up to one long-line girdle every seven-and-a-half years. So what! Buy the black lace Marvel by La Perla ($131) and hang the expense.

N.B. Rebecca carries only sizes 32A to 36C, so if you’re thinking about a black bra for cross-dressing Dad, you will have to log on to www.biggerbras.com. They have a lovely Bali underwire ($21), and sizes go all the way up to a 56 FF.

A Very Happy Daddy’s Day! DVDs , Constructed Bras