So that nice Russian guy you’ve been dating is turning out to be a bit rough around the edges. First he handed you wads of cash and pressured you to dye your hair blond and splurge on tarty clothes. As a result, your closet is now groaning with high-priced Versace and Cavalli, and you look utterly fantastic -sort of like a Southern Italian version of Spider-Man co-star Kirsten Dunst.
Now he’s seen how well you spend money, and he wants you to start money-laundering full-time. Don’t sweat it, toots. This may be a time of “bust” rather than boom, and yet it’s never been easier to blow your wad on high-priced accessories. The notorious Victoria’s Secret diamond-
encrusted bra ($10 million-talk about bust!) and Stuart Weitzman’s bejeweled evening sandals ($1 million, currently on “sale” at Harrods) are just the tip of this gauche and excessive iceberg. So stop whining and start spending!
Throw a couple of gruff English bulldogs ($1,800 and up per pooch from Knowbull Bulldogs, 718-217-4120) into your snazzy 2002 Aston Martin Volante convertible ($186,780, Miller Motorcars, 203-629-3890) and hit Madison Avenue. First stop: Hermès. You need a nifty bag to tote your cash: like, say, a Constance purse with diamond-encrusted H-clasp ($80,000). If you hate the upholstery in your Aston Martin, Hermès will be happy to consider re-upholstering the whole thing in croc for some ungodly amount of money. (Their special-requests department has never done a car, but they have custom re-upholstered jets and yachts for sums too ridiculous to name. All requests must go through the Hermès Paris office.) Also keep in mind that nearby Bergdorf Goodman (754 Fifth Avenue) can re-upholster you : a Maggie Norris custom-made silk corset there retails for $20,000. Vamp down Fifth Avenue in your rhinestone-encrusted Manolo Blahnik boots ($5,800), soaking up admiration for your newly cinched waist, to Harry Winston (718 Fifth Avenue), where the 5.54-carat pumpkin diamond ring that Halle Berry sported on Oscar night awaits you. The when-Harry-met-Halle ring can be yours for three million bucks. Harry will design a new mount (how ’bout an erection setting?) and resize the ring for no additional charge. Bling, bling!
Over to Mont Blanc (595 Madison Avenue), where you can launder $4,900 on a pen. Yes, a fountain pen. The folks at Mont Blanc have collaborated with porcelain craftsmen and goldsmiths to create a Marquise de Pompadour number. This dildo-sized writing instrument comes in a limited edition of 888 and is so heavy it can be used to stun intruders-or Russian boyfriends. (Just make sure to keep the cap on when you toss it in the aforementioned Hermès bag, or you’ll be in for a different, far more difficult kind of laundering.)
You’ve just plowed through about $3.5 million. If that’s not enough, then buy Boris his own $73,000 submarine. Check it out at www.hammacherschlemmer.com. If you find you still have money to launder, you can commission Hermès to re-upholster the interior in croc. If Boris starts having mood swings, hop in the submarine and escape up the Hudson to find what we all want, a simpler life.